by Coach Tina | Mar 19, 2019 | Encouragement, Focus, Growth
What did I just do? Did I just say NO to what some would call “a chance of a lifetime”? Could I have just turned down my “golden ticket”? Maybe but I don’t think so! At least I hope NOT!
I was approached with a great opportunity! It could have easily been “THE ONE”! The one that changed my whole life! Yet, I turned it down! Who does that??!!
At first, I thought it was fear talking, even had someone tell me that! But then I realized, it just wasn’t what I wanted to do! It did not excite me like I thought it would. I could have easily made it “look” like it aligned with my aspirations, but I had to be honest with myself – it didn’t! And it would have pulled me into a totally different direction than what I wanted to do. (Yes, I’m using my post to justify my decision – you should try it sometimes)
But there is purpose in my rambling!
Have you ever had an opportunity drop onto your lap and although everyone around you was excited about it; You knew it could change the game; You knew this could open great opportunities for you, for some reason something inside of you just didn’t engage? It just seemed OFF!?!? It didn’t quite feel like “THE ONE”!
If not careful, FEAR can set in! Not just fear of the what’s ahead but fear of making the wrong decision. This is where it’s so important to know yourself! To trust yourself! To not allow others to push you into something you don’t want to do. This is your life! Your decisions are based on what’s best for you and no one else! Let’s be real, you will have some people whispering in your ear – not because they think it’s best for you, but because they are looking at how they can capitalize off your decision. Be careful!
Making life changing decisions can be scary! Sometimes, you just don’t know what to do! If you turn left – things could change forever! If you turn right – things could change FOREVER!
Did you know every opportunity is NOT a God-given opportunity? Did you know everything that looks good is NOT good? If the situation makes you question who you are, take another look!
Why are you doing it? Are you doing it for attention, acceptance, validation? Are you looking the approval of someone else? Are you hoping it will prove your “worthiness”? Are you doing it because you need to be in control or seen? Are you doing it because someone said, “this is perfect for you”?
Are you avoiding it because you are afraid? Are you questioning your ability? Are you saying NO because it pushes you out of your comfort zone? Are you allowing limited beliefs to keep you from what you are destined to do?
Tell the TRUTH!!!
Take a moment and think for yourself! What do you want to do? What will make you smile in the morning? What will push you closer to the person you desire to be? What makes your soul smile?
That’s the decision you want to make! Those are the opportunities in life you look for! Not what everyone else says you should do! (OH, how I hate the word SHOULD!)
Get quiet with yourself and ask God for direction, HE will give it to you! Here’s a nugget for you: If you don’t know who you are and what YOU want in this life, you will be pushed into situations that are NOT for you, by people looking for what’s best for them!
So, my decision to decline the golden opportunity, the “GOLDEN TICKET” … was more an opportunity to stay true to the person I want to be instead of the person the world says I should be!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Feb 11, 2019 | Focus, Growth
by Coach Tina | Nov 20, 2018 | Forgiveness, Growth
Not forgiving is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die – (quoted by many)
There was a time I had a really hard time dealing with offenses. If someone did something to me, not only did I make it personal, but I dwelled on it. I sat in the pain and allowed it to fester. I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to mistreat or harm me. I was that person that would do anything for anyone. I just found it hard to justify why someone would deliberately hurt me. Then things would take a turn and I would search to see if there was something I did that warranted the offense. Many times, I would justify it with anything I could. Until I had to acknowledge that some people were just mean, and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. 
I also had to come to grips with “hurt people hurt people”. Once I understood these lessons and realized I was doing myself a disservice by making the offense about me, I was able to change the way I looked at the offense. What they were projecting had absolutely nothing to do with me but what they were feeling about themselves. Their “inner me” was having a field day revealing all their insecurities and to combat it they were lashing out at anyone in their path.
So, in most cases I decided to get out of their path and allow them to project that pain on someone else. No longer would I allow people to spur their hate and anger on me when I had nothing to do with it.
Although that philosophy was awesome and provided a logical explanation of their behavior, I found it did not do anything for the pain I still carried around because of the attacks that had already taken place. I found myself emotionally, mentally, physically even spiritually drained. I didn’t want to commune with anyone. I isolated myself from people. I shut down emotionally. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t move forward with the plans I was making for myself. I was a mess.
That is when I realized – I needed to forgive. I needed to really whole heartedly forgive. I needed to let go of the strings that were binding me to that pain and the offenses. I needed to stop allowing what they did to control what I was doing now. But how? How do you move forward from something that had become a customary part of your life?
Well in this week’s blog we will talk about not only how to let go but what happens if you don’t! I will show you how holding on to unforgiveness truly is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die. Holding on to forgiveness robs you of so many things; the most important thing in my opinion, is it robs you of who you were created to be.
Many may deny that unforgiveness causes physical and emotional breakdowns in a person’s life. But tell me if you can you relate to any of these statements?
1. You have unexplained burst of anger. You just get mad for no apparent reason. Everything can be going well and suddenly you explode. And the person at the end of the explosion is usually the person who has offended you in some way but that don’t always have to be the case. You can explode on any one that is in your path.
2. You insist on making sure the offender knows they have offended you. It wouldn’t be right if you didn’t bring it to their attention. They would certainly feel bad if they knew how you felt and maybe right the wrong. Right? Are you bringing it to there attention to help them or to help yourself?
3. You are petty and malicious. You look for things to bring up about the offense or about the offender. You keep track of what they do. You take subtle jabs and possibly send rude messages making sure they are aware of your pain. You gossip about them to anyone that will listen. You look for their flaws to extenuate them. Are you getting better or worse by talking about them?
4. You do not take responsibility for your part in the offense. You can remember exactly what happened, when it happened, what you were wearing when it happened. You can remember what the person smelt like when they did it. But you seldom remember your response or what you did after the offense. It’s always their fault! You did NOTHING wrong?
Do any of those sound familiar? YES!! Then you have a forgiveness problem.
I could go down the spiritual road about forgiveness and remind you, if you don’t forgive, God will not forgive you. (Mark 11:26). But, I’ll leave that for another blog. Today I want to let you know you will NEVER be able to accomplish the goals and dreams you have, holding on to unforgiveness! You will become so consumed with what that person did, it will rob you of your focus, your passion, and your desire. Is it worth it? Is holding on to a grudge that someone has done worth you forfeiting what you desire to do in your life?
You can sit and make all the plans you desire. You can make the prettiest vision boards (y’all know I love a vision board), you can hire the best life coach (that would be me) or you can purchase every self-help book written. Until you clear your heart of unforgiveness, you will not fully fulfill your lifetime dreams or goals.
Are you ready to let it go? It will not happen overnight, but I promise by doing the exercise below, you will at least have a desire to forgive! You will have the tools required to forgive.
- Identify the offender. Choose someone low on your list for this first go around. Someone whose offense was significant but minor. I want you to experience what forgiveness feels like. Many of you are holding on to years of unforgiveness and this will help you feel it for the first time. You will do this with each person on your list.
- Identify your feelings associated with the offense. How do you feel when you think of that person? Do you have rage? Are you angry? Are you shameful? Guilty? Write down the feelings. Write down what you smell, the color associated with it. Write down every emotion you are experiencing right now.
- Let’s forgive. Look at what you wrote on your paper. Examine the feelings carefully. Now imagine if that person was feeling any of those emotions when they offended you. What if someone did something to them that cause those emotions to rise in them and to compensate for how they were feeling they lashed out on you. They were hurting, and you happened to be a vessel they used to release the anger.
Here’s an example. I was riding down the freeway and a car cut me off. I was so mad! I blew my horn! I yelled. I thought about how I could have had a wreck and never seen my child again. I called her all sorts of names. Then I stopped and thought what if she just got a call saying her child was sick or even dying? What if she didn’t see me because her eyes were filled with tears? What if she didn’t even know I was there because her mind was somewhere else? It made me look at the situation differently. I was okay. No damage was done. I prayed for her to get where she was going safely and everything in her life would be okay.
That’s what happens when you forgive. It makes you change the way you view the person that offended you. No, it doesn’t make it right. They shouldn’t have mishandled you. You didn’t deserve it, but they were hurting. It had absolutely nothing to do with you. It was their projection of their pain onto you. But it had nothing to do with you.
Now here is the hard part; you must make a choice; do you continue to blame them for what cannot be changed? Or do you refuse to allow their pain to hinder you from your goals. Your plans. Your purpose.
Give them back their emotions. Their hurt. Their pain and move on with your life. Remember forgiveness is not saying the offense didn’t happen; it’s saying I refuse to allow it to control my life.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Nov 5, 2018 | Abuse, Fear, Growth, purpose
A night with a sexual or physical assault victim can take an advocate or survivor down a very dark path if they aren’t careful. But it can also be a gentle reminder of their own strength and help them fight another day. It may give them courage to speak truth despite the fears that rage inside or it can quiet them and cause them to get lost in their own hurt and pain. Advocates struggle with memories, too!
Every survivor that I’ve encountered have memories. But each memory tends to be covered with grace. Although the memories hurt, they find a way to soften the reality somehow. Time does not help. Time will play tricks in the mind of a survivor and prompt them to disassociate from reality. Many will begin to replace ‘the bad times” with “the not so bad times” and “the not so bad times” with “the good times” eventually asking themselves “what was all the fuse about?” I’m convinced this is the body’s way of helping process what has happened in a way that is less invasive and tormenting.
Regardless of how long I advocate and work with victims and survivors of abuse, there is something about responding to a sexual or physical assault call that makes my heart sink, my stomach knot up and brief flashbacks of my own abuse take over my thoughts. Those first few minutes after the person identifies their self and
what they are calling about, I freeze. And on the ride to the location, I fight to stay present and not replay my own abuse or the feelings of guilt and shame associated with it. It’s because of those moments I’ve questioned if I should be advocate. But I now know that it is because of my experience that I make a great advocate.
One would say why would you feel guilty or shamed? Well, you clearly have never been a victim of abuse or in a toxic relationship. Those feelings for me were drilled into my psyche. I was told over and over how his behavior was my fault. How by talking about it I was bringing shame to the family and to God. How I needed to get thicker skin. The shame for me, was because I felt I wasn’t living up to the expectations that was established for me. I didn’t know it was abuse; it had become my norm.
Last night, as I sat with that young lady, looking at her bruised covered body, the sound of her saying “I should have known better. I should have listened to my gut”. Then to hear her conversation switch to “I shouldn’t have made him so mad. It’s all my fault”, triggered an anger inside of me. It was the anger I never allowed myself to feel against my own abuser. I had a quick flash back of standing in front of the judge as he said to me “I can see the bruises from here, but I need you to tell me what happened.” Full of fear my words became stuck between my voice box and my mouth. Nothing would come out and the longer I stood there the more embarrassed I felt for allowing this to happen. Yet the fear of what would happen if I said anything overtook me. I struggled with how I would be viewed. How he would be viewed. What if they took my kids. What if he got so mad that he left, I didn’t a job. How would I take care of my kids? What if the next time it was worse. What if a restraining order only made him madder. What if, what if.… Had it not been for the domestic violence advocate I would have stood right there and talked myself out of requesting the restraining order.
When I looked in the eyes of this young lady, I could see the fear as you struggled to make a very hard decision of pressing charges. My heart broke for her because I understood it so well. You just want the nightmare to be over. You are even willing to take an “I’m sorry” even though you know you had heard it before.
My job is not to convince that woman to leave. Although I’m going to do my very best to, my job is to stand beside her and support her decision. My job is help her see her value and understand no one has a right to hit her and make feel less than. Finding her worth hardly ever happens that night but to know that someone heard her and supports her decision is life changing.
I still struggle with sharing parts of my story and I don’t always see my own worth. But with each day and each victim I speak with, I see the purpose in what I went through and why it’s so important for me to share my story. My abuser cannot hurt me anymore. My self-worth is stronger than the fear I have of him. The desire to help others is more important than what someone who refuses to see the truth thinks of me. Knowing that I have helped someone find their voice makes mine stronger. No more victim! No more shame! No more guilt! At least not until the next the call and it pushes me even harder to stand up for those that don’t have the strength to stand up for themselves. At least not yet!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Oct 31, 2018 | Growth
First let me give a disclaimer: I grew! I matured! I embraced who I am and who I’m not! I was stretched into a better person, a better leader, a better mother and a better friend. I learned the importance of fervent pray and consistency. I learned to set boundaries and make my needs clear. I learned that those boundaries shielded me from this month being even more dramatic. With that disclaimer alone, you can see that October tried to take me out! But it did not win. I’m still HERE! Thank GOD!
You would think that by now I would be able to identify the little tricks that arise to distract me and rob me of my focus. But NOPE, not yet! They sneak up on me, tie my shoe laces together,
push me down and take off running. One day I will learn to either check my shoes before I take off after them or turn the other way and completely ignore them. The ladder probably won’t happen any time soon.
One scenario, I’m sure others will follow….
I was given the grand opportunity to sit on a panel at a Domestic Violence training. The facilitator asked questions that brought out parts of my story that I had NEVER shared verbally to a large group. Although I had dealt with my personal shame and guilt through therapy, I still carried this extreme loyalty to my abuser and his reputation. I felt I had somehow sharing certain parts of the story was a betrayal to him. I couldn’t wrap my mind around where this sense of loyalty had come from. But somehow, I had violated it and I felt horrible.
The whole situation made me shut down, isolate myself and feel an extreme amount of shame. I was depressed and withdrawn from my loved ones. I didn’t want to look myself in the mirror. I questioned my abilities as a leader, as a mentor, as coach, as mother as a WOMAN!!
What had I done?
At the end of the day I realized – I grew! I gained strength. I reconnected with my purpose. I made myself a priority. I took back my dignity! I took back my power! I made myself proud! I stood up and decided I would not allow anyone to take my voice again. My voiced mattered. My story deserved to be shared and I could not allow fear of those that refused to see the truth to stop me from embracing mine.
I declared a do-over!
I wanted a chance to help that woman that approached me at the end saying how she could relate to my story. I wanted to be able to look her in the eye and say, “but look at you now, you are strong, beautiful and you are free”! I wanted to reclaim those hours that I laid in the bed thinking I’d done something wrong. I wanted to reclaim the time I wasted thinking they must have thought I was crazy staying in the abuse for so long. I wanted to push aside the thought that someone in the room knew him and was telling him what I said. I wanted to proclaim that whatever they thought or who was there was none my business and not care. I wanted to sit tall in the chair as I share my story so that when I looked at the video I wouldn’t see a scared young girl but a mighty warrior. I wanted a do-over!!!
And when I finally realized my story deserved to be heard and that I had survived things that many did not. When I picked my feelings off the floor and decided to never lay them down again. When I decided to NEVER give anyone power over me again. When I decided that I have NOTHING to be ashamed of. When I decided that he did not deserve my protection – I gave myself a DO-OVER!
I stood in the mirror with tears rolling down my face and declared I am worthy! My story deserves to be heard. I declared I would never allow the feeling of emptiness to overtake me again. I declared I will walk with my head held high and know that I did the best I could at the moment and now that I know better, I will do better.
So, for anyone sitting on your story thinking that by sharing your experience it will violate a self-issued protective order against your abuser, let me be the first to tell you “IT WILL NOT! Your loyalty is to you and your healing. Telling your story will be difficult but it will help with your healing process. You are not seeking revenge you are seeking healing. You are identifying your pain so that you can heal. You are snatching back your power. You are releasing the hold your abuser has over you. You are declaring that you are a survivor! You are taking control of your life. And that I am proud of you.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Sep 27, 2018 | Fear, Growth
The voices were so loud! They seemed to be screaming at me. They intimidated me! Reminding me of all the times I failed. Reminding me of how people laughed at me when I failed. Reminding me of all 
the people waiting for me to fail. Reminding me of how I felt when I failed. I could NOT get them out of my head! They were so loud, it felt like a herd of cattle running back and forth in my mind.
Then I heard a still voice. A voice that said ‘YOU can do it’. A voice that said, ‘if YOU don’t, who will’. A voice reminding me how I prayed someone had spoken up for me and that NOW I have an opportunity to speak up for myself. A voice reminding me that NO one can stop my progress but me. A voice reminding me there is no failure, just an opportunity to do it better. A voice reminding me if I don’t try, I’ve already failed. A voice reminding me that the only view that matters is my own. A voice reminding me that I am the expert in my own life. A voice reminding me that by speaking up, I give permission for others to do the same. A voice reminding me of how awesome I am because I tried.
There comes a time when you must JUST DO IT ANYWAY! In the midst of your fears – do it anyway! While feeling incapable – do it anyway! When it doesn’t quite make sense – do it anyway! When it appears you’re all alone – go ahead DO IT ANYWAY!
Your life was NOT created to be a spectator sport. It was created to be an example of what can happen if you DO IT ANYWAY! It’s time to quiet the loud voices so you can hear the still small voice that matters.
Until Next Time,
But there is purpose in my rambling!
