by Coach Tina | Apr 29, 2021 | Healing
Today marks 6 months since my mother gained wings. Saying “I miss her” is an understatement. I think of her every day, every moment of the day. Some days I smile thinking about some smart comment she would have made. Some days I think about how beautiful she was in the last dream I had of her and it reminds me she is NO longer battling with chronic pain or her own sadness. She had started talking about how much she missed her loved ones, so in my heart I knew it would not be long, but I just wasn’t ready. Then there are those days where I am mad as hell. I want to yell. I want to scream. I want to just lay in my bed, pull the covers over my head and cry because the pain penetrates so deeply. Some days I feel I cannot breathe because I miss her so much. I find myself constantly bouncing between anger and sadness then guilt and sorrow.
I find myself waddling in self-pity; asking questions like: Did I do enough? Did she know how much I loved her? Should I have made her come live with me? Would she still be alive if I had of done something different? I think about the times I could not talk to her because of some business meeting. Or the days I would get frustrated because she would call me three times to tell me the same thing. God how I wish I could get one of those random calls. I wish she could tell me how Big Grand, Aunt Betty, Jesse and my Dad are doing and more that she could tell me “she’s okay!” I wish I could just have one more day with her. This pain hurts!!! It is just unfair. No one should have to bury their Mom. And no one should have to bury their child. Death sucks!
As soon as I typed that, the thought came to mind “we are born to die”. Death is a part of life. We are not created to stay here forever. God created us to fulfill an assignment and once that assignment is complete, we are called back home to sit with Him and admire the work. I like to imagine my mom sitting with my Dad saying, “look at our baby girl!” I truly hope I am making them proud.
THE BRICK
Life is not always fair. Things happen that cannot always be explained. Somehow, they always seem to happen at the “wrong” time. But when we look back, we realize they happened at the best time. God knew when we could handle it. He knew it had to happen when it did. Only He knows what’s necessary for the next growth experience of our lives.
I look at it like jumping hurdles. We NEVER start off jumping high hurdles. We must build confidence and stamina. We must learn to trust ourselves and our coach. We must get over the fear of falling or failing. Such is life – it’s a big obstacle course filled with hurdles! The difference is most of the hurdles seem to appear out of nowhere. But if you look back you can see they were strategically placed and each one made you stronger than the one before. God knew my first loss could not have been my mom! I may not have been able to deal with that kind of pain. He also knows that whatever comes next, I will be able to get through it because of what I’m learning now.
The storm you are experiencing right now, is not designed to break you. It is designed to build you. To help you build strength. To teach you to trust in yourself and in the process. You will get through this and YOU WILL be better because of it. Okay, you knocked down the hurdle meaning you laid in bed crying or eating a pint of ice cream but you are still here! Girl, get up, dust yourself off. Take a few steps back, look forward, gain momentum, run and JUMP! You can do this! I believe in you. LET’S GO!
Until next time,
by Coach Tina | Apr 12, 2021 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus
Change is inevitable but growth is optional! Jack C. Maxwell
Maxwell said it better than I ever could! Change is going to happen whether you like it or not. But everyone will NOT grow through the change. We saw many changes occur during 2020, yet there are still a lot of things that remain the same. We are still battling COVID-19. We are still seeing people mistreated because of the color of their skin. We are still seeing babies left on the side of the road. We are still judging people for who they love and how they use their bodies. We are still seeing women paid significantly lower than their male counterparts. We are still hearing how women are supposed to support their man even when he is toxic. We are still forcing children to have a relationship with people who have mishandled them, neglected them or abused them. We are still seeing women blamed for staying in an abusive relationship instead supported her attempts to leave. We are still shaming women on what they wore instead of punishing the man that raped them. We are still giving a time limit to how someone deals with pain instead of support while they do. But things have changed, right!
Most of my clients are women that have overcome trauma or are struggling with transitioning into a new phase of life because they have been forced into a “change” they did not ask for! They are having to create a new norm. A forced change is harder than a change that you want to happen.
Unfortunately although change is inevitable, growth is not! Many times, we become comfortable in the chaos. We know what to expect and what not to expect. We adjust. We accommodate the pain. We begin to believe this is the best it can be. We avoid disruption. We avoid upsetting the norm at all cost. But can we be honest and say, we are just comfortable! Even though it hurts, it’s our hurt! It’s our pain! It’s part of who we are!
But is pain really what we want? Is pain what we desire? Is the pain worth it? I’m sitting here myself yelling “HELL NO!” while dealing with the fact I have made some adjustments to accommodate things I’m not happy with.
Which leads me to this brick.
Our resistance and unwillingness to step out of our comfort zone is the result of us refusing to do so. It’s hard to swallow; but if we don’t make a change knowing a change is necessary, we are refusing an opportunity to grow! Because if we want significant change, nothing would stop us. If we really wanted the pain to end, we would do whatever it takes to make it stop. The problem is the pain has not become painful enough. When we get tired of being tired. When we are done lying to ourselves and trying to convince ourselves that it’s not that bad, things will change. When we stop sitting around hoping for change instead doing something about it, that’s when the growth will happen. Some things require you losing in order to gain. Change is not enough! In this day and time, we need GROWTH!
Growth requires you to break the bond you have made to being comfortable. Change is going to happen whether we want it to or not. But growth is going to require a little work! No, it’s going to require a LOT of work. It will require you to break the attachment you have with your comfort zone. It will require to create a new norm. It will require you to stop making excuses. It will require you to focus! I will require YOU TO CHANGE!
In order to achieve the goals you truly desire, you must command your mind to align with your aspirations. You cannot achieve anything that your mind cannot see you accomplishing. The change you are looking for, requires you to be uncomfortable. It requires you to not only step out of your comfort zone but destroy the bridge that leads you back to it. It requires you to say YES to yourself and NO to your fears. It requires you to cut ties with anything that caters to person you no longer want to be. It requires you to do the things that scare the hell out of you and reach towards the Eden you desire! You can do this. I believe in you. You can have everything you desire but first you must break the bond you have with comfort!
Until Next Time
As always if you would like more you can always check out the events page to see what’s happening next.
by Coach Tina | Mar 22, 2021 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Healing
Rejection scared me! I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be loved. In my eyes, rejection equaled failure! That was until I read the quote “Rejection is God’s protection”. It changed my whole life. I no longer saw rejection as a bad thing but more as direction and guidance!
I always thought being rejected was punishment. I thought if I was not accepted, there was something wrong with me. I felt I had not done enough; I had not been enough. What I wanted did not matter. That what they wanted, was more important. That I needed to change how I did things. That I had to change who I was. That I had to be what they wanted me to be. BUT this quote reminded me that God loves me enough to not allow me to have less than I deserved! I hope you catch that!
When you view it from a point of protection and guidance, you realize that what you wanted was less than you deserve. So often we are asking for things that are below what we can have. We are settling. We are living below the standard. Often, we don’t see the potential of what could be or what we could have.
Rejection cannot be taken personal. It will drive you crazy. Ask me how I know!
The thing that seemed to have rejected you was not enough for you. It was NOT what you needed in this season or in the season you are walking into. It may have catered to the person you were then, but it would have never challenged you to become the person you are today.
It’s hard to see rejection as direction or guidance, when we are in the midst of it. But when you begin to change your mindset surrounding NO, you will see it opens the doors for such bigger opportunities and allows you to look at it from a different lens.
I don’t want to come off as someone who does not struggle with being told NO! Girl, it is the last thing I want you to think about me. I HATE BEING TOLD NO! Although I don’t see it as a personal attack anymore, I still see it as someone told me NO. And that little 6-year-old inside of me does not like to be told NO. She is extremely spoiled. But I gently reminder her that we will try again.
BRICK: NO means Next Opportunity! NO means there is something better waiting. NO means I can have better. NO means I haven’t finished growing and what I’m asking for is not going to help me achieve the growth I desire. NO is Never the end!
Apply it: Take a moment and think about something you really wanted but did not get. Now imagine if you had it, what would be different about you? Would you be the person you are now? Would you have been settling? Did you grow from being told NO?
Were the emotions you felt due to the rejection or the thoughts of not getting what you wanted? Most of the time we are more moved by the NO, than not getting what we asked for!
You apply for a job. You do minimal preparation for the interview. The job is NOT your ideal job. It’s NOT the job you want but it will pay your bills, provide you with a sense of accomplishment, and advance your career. It will do for now! Then comes the blow! You get the dreaded “Thank you for applying. We have decided to go with another candidate”. Immediately you feel the sting of rejection. NOT because you really wanted the job, but because you did not get it! Had you got that job, you would have stopped looking for your ideal job. You would have stopped working on your resume. You would have stopped working on your personal development. You would have stopped trying. You would have settled and made yourself content!
Rejections could be the best thing that ever happens to you! Remember mindset is everything! What about this Brick resonated with you the most? I’d love to hear about it
Until next time,
by Coach Tina | Feb 1, 2021 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Forgiveness, Healing
I don’t know about you, but I haven’t always been very loving or kind to myself – who am I fooling? There are times I’m still NOT very kind to myself!
When I find myself being nit-picky over everything I do or say, I have to stop and re-adjust my crown. Because if I don’t see myself as a QUEEN, no on else will. If I don’t love myself unconditionally, no one else will. If I can’t show myself grace, no one else will.
However, let me be very transparent; I hate to even write this. Because once you write something, it’s available for the entire world to see. But my judgmental attitude towards myself cause me to be judgmental towards others! YUP! IT DID! Tell the truth shame the devil. When I was in the height of my food addiction, I turned my nose up on those that couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to weigh over 300 pounds or couldn’t understand it was an addiction. When I was hiding the flaws of my marriage, I judged those that didn’t want to hear me complain about it or understand why I didn’t just leave. When I was disgusted by my lack of self-esteem, I called my confident sisters cocky and bougie. When I doubted my ability as a coach, I got mad at those who were further along but didn’t want to share their secrets to success. UMM, the audacity!
Everybody talks about self-love. How important it is and why we must show ourselves love. But they never tell us what it is or how to do it. I don’t mean those blogs where they tell you to take yourself on a date, buy yourself flowers, etc. I mean what the heck is self-love. How does it show up? How do I stop hating myself when that’s all I’ve ever done? How do I show up for myself when no one else ever has? How do I let go of the crave associated with how I currently see myself? YES, you can crave toxicity! We can talk about that later! Enough of the bubble baths and flowers – let’s get real!
What is self-love? One of my favorite definitions is: Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Let’s break that down. Having a high regard – making it a priority. For my OWN – not comparing to others. Well-being – making sure I’m okay. Happiness – not looking for someone else to validate and affirm me. Self-love does NOT mean you are self-centered or narcistic or that you have the grandiose ego! It simply means you are willing to make your happiness and well-being a priority in your life.
But if you’ve never been given permission to do that, it can be difficult. Well, I’m giving you permission! I’m saying it’s okay for you to make yourself a priority. I’m saying it’s okay to be happy. I’m saying it’s okay to protect yourself. I’m saying it’s okay to love yourself. I’m saying it’s okay to make sure you are well. I’m saying it’s okay to say YES to yourself.
Maybe you don’t need permission. Maybe you do a good job showing yourself love. Can I ask you a question? Why are you playing small? Why are you settling for a job you hate? Why are you in a relationship that does not serve you? Why are you making excuses for going after that promotion? Why did you pass on the dress you loved because your friend didn’t like it? Why are you comparing yourself to others? Why are you doubting your abilities? Why haven’t you signed up to take that class? Why are you limiting yourself to your comfort zone? OKAY I know that was more than A QUESTION! But you get the point.
The lack of self-love does not always show up as hateful words. It can show up as subtle biases or comparisons, negative thoughts or unappreciation for the person you see in the mirror. It can show up in limiting beliefs or allowing imposter syndrome to keep you from moving forward. It shows us in judging your sisters. It shows up using religion as the standard in which to live. Pause – God loves you as you are. He does not measure you by your abilities or lack thereof but by your love for Him and desire to make Him Lord of your life.
Survivors of trauma often battle showing love, receiving love, and knowing what love is. So why are you being so hard on yourself for not knowing? It’s a process. It takes time to learn to love yourself after you have been taught you aren’t enough. Give yourself grace. Get up. Straighten your crown. Hit the reset button. And try again. When stumble, get up and do all it all over again as many times as you have to That, my friend, is self-love!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jan 14, 2021 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Growth
then the craziest thing happened!
Have you ever said,
- “to hell with it!”
- “I can’t do this anymore.”
- “It’s too hard!”
- “Why am I even trying? I’m gonna fail!”
Girl I said all those things and more! I have given up more times than I care to admit. I was constantly starting things and when I did not get the results I wanted, I would outright QUIT! I don’t mean just walk away – I would act as though it never existed! Like the thought never entered my head. I was DONE – DONE! But you know that’s not how it works, right?
I’m going to let you in on a little secret, but you cannot tell anyone. Wanting to quit is NORMAL! Thinking you did is even more normal! Another secret: It’s okay to have the desire to quit. It is even okay to stop for a moment. Everybody does it. You are NOT alone! YOU just cannot stay in that position forever.
Do you know how many times I quit being an ADULT? Like how the heck do you quit being an adult? I don’t know but I have days where I look myself in the mirror and say I am NOT ADULTING today! Sadly, it didn’t last very long. I found out not only could I not no longer be an adult, I had other adults that expected me to be an adult! See I threw in the towel but had to pick it back up and I’m glad I did! Because the craziest revelation came from it!
I learned some valuable lessons:
- Quitting is our final excuse. Yup I said it! I know I lost some of you right there! But quitting is what we do when we cannot find a good enough reason to keep going! Quitting is the result of exhausting all our other excuses. Let’s be honest, waking up to back pain is a great reason not to work out; but not working out the next day because of that pain is NOT! QUITTING! says I’m done even when there is no back pain. Quitting is the excuse that needs no explanation. But it also doesn’t produce the desired results.
- Quitting is grown folk status. We are all grown! We declare it EVERYDAY! I don’t know about you but I was so glad to get out of my momma’s house so I could do whatever I wanted to do. So, now that I am good and grown, no one can tell me what I can and cannot do even quitting. It’s easy to declare a thing over and done. But truth be told, quitting is NOT a requirement or a pre-requisite of being declared grown! In fact, quitting shows just how immature we view ourselves and our abilities. When you decide to push through the excuses and opposition, that’s where the grown status takes root.
- Life is HARD! Okay and what’s your point? Life is hard for everyone at some stage in life. You cannot allow difficulty to keep you from going after what you want. You cannot allow what seems impossible to paralyze you from moving forward. Think about it this way, it’s always hard until you do it! Now after you have completed it and realize it’s not something you want to continue doing, then and only then do you have the option of walking away. Notice I said walking away not QUITTING!
- Failure is a result of quitting. There is NO such thing as failure. You either achieve your goal or learn a new way of doing it. Failure comes from NOT trying! If you are at the bottom of a large mountain and refuse to climb, then you fail! But if you attempt, even if you must keep trying every day until you master it, you have NOT failed! If you quit, you fail. If you fail, you never learn. If you never learn, you never grow. If you never grow, you die. Death is a result of quitting.
- Quitting is a habit. I know what if feels like to quit. I want to know what if feels like to cross the finish line! I had changed my habits. I had to change my mindset. I had to stop allowing quitting to be my norm. I had to want success more than inconsistency.
I’m not going to lie to you. There are still days where I want to quit. I want to lay in my bed in complete silence and darkness but WHY? What will it accomplish? How will it help me? What problem will it solve? The biggest lesson I learned is NO ONE can stop me from achieving my goals but me. NO ONE can cheer harder for me that me. But it requires getting up every day and making an effort to be better than I was the day before. There is NO perfection just opportunities.
If you have ever felt like quitting and can relate to this brick, I need you to do two things 1. Share why you didn’t give up. 2. Share this with someone that needs to know they are not alone and give them a reason to keep going.
Until Next Time,
