by Coach Tina | May 31, 2022 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Growth, Healing, purpose, Relationships
I can trust myself to make good decision that propel me to be a better me.
Let me start by saying learning to trust yourself after any type of betrayal is HARD! It always amazes me how we can eventually forgive the person that betrayed us yet find it difficult to trust ourselves enough to make decision that prevent us from entering relationships that potentially can cause the same damage.
I’ve had a few moments where I’ve felt the weight associated with being betrayed. I have moments where I felt I had sacrificed my own happiness and desires for others and was let down when they did not reciprocate the effort. It left me feeling I wasn’t doing enough and tried to do more, instead of realizing it wasn’t that I wasn’t doing enough, it was because the other person couldn’t receive what I was offering or unable to show the appreciation I needed them to show.
There is so much to unpack in that statement alone. We should probably do that at some point. But that is NOT what this blog will address. I found the betrayal of others, caused me to question who I was and challenged me to look at what I was doing. I was certain if I could not “satisfy” someone else with my good intentions, then maybe my “good intentions” weren’t good after all.
It took a long time for me to trust my feelings, my apprehensions, my discernment, to trust myself. I still have moments where I question if my intentions are authentic and healthy. I constantly ask myself if I’m making the right decisions. I often over-analyze the situation. I even talk myself out of some things only to go back to them.
I said all of that to say, I really don’t think a person that has been traumatized every stops second guessing themselves and their intentions. It has become part of our norm. However, it does not have to remain our only norm. We can limit our hesitations by learning one simple rule.
It’s only a mistake, if you don’t learn from it.
I had to learn there is not such thing as a mistake; it’s a mishap. There is NO failure. There’s opportunities. You either complete the task or learn what does not work and start again with a different perception. That simple philosophy has changed my entire life, professionally and personally. I don’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I just has to be MY best. PERIODT! If I am giving everything I have and it’s not enough, that is the problem of the recipient not mine. If I am being authentic in what I say and do and they don’t believe it, that’s their problem. If my good isn’t good enough, they are free to find someone they believe can do it better. When I tell you this statement set me free – it would be an understatement. I no longer question whether it’s enough for them, I make sure it’s enough for me. That I am being true to myself and giving the best that I have to offer. Giving my best has allowed me to learn to trust myself again and push myself into the best version of myself. Unapologetic and authentic. Intentional and determined. Bold and courageous. I finally started giving myself what I was wanting from others. Acceptance!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Dec 10, 2021 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, purpose
You are not self-centered! Read that again!
A call with a focused relentless, self-sacrificing, yet timid, guarded people pleaser revealed a woman struggling to pursue her dream of starting a business not because she lacked motivation; but because she was told it was selfish to devote so much time on something that would ultimately fail. 
Anger was not a strong enough word! I would need to seek legal council for the words and things I wanted to say and do to her abuser.
Every day, I see women make sacrifices to support the dreams of others. Yet sit on their own. In their minds they feel the idea is not good enough or they, themselves aren’t good enough. They can see the fire for others but can’t personally move past the negative self-talk that sounds like the voice of an abuser.
At some point in her life someone planted seeds of doubt and fear in the mind of my caller and it warped her 
ability to see herself achieve success. Now she had settled into a relationship with someone that did not want her to grow outside of the box they found her in.
This is yet another subtle display of abuse! An abuser does not have to hit you to abuse you.. if they can rob you of your ability to see better for yourself, they have accomplished their goal. Many abusers are aware if you see your true potential and walk in your assignment, they would lose their control over you. Remember abuse is all about control.
Pursuing your dream does not make you self-centered or selfish nor will it cause you to abandon those you love or upset those that love you. In fact it will build confidence, self-reliance and help you teach others how to treat you.
I contracted with that woman! I was determined to help her see her worth, take back her life and open her business. She did all three and is doing amazing.
Calls like that remind me why I do what I do. I am more determined than ever to build a system where women support, motivate and encourage each other to boldly pursue their dreams, walk with confidence and tendency and step out of a cycle of abuse.
I hate abuse. I hate abusers. But I despise a coward that uses fear to hold someone back from pursuing their dream.. oh wait that’s just another definition of an abuser.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Oct 13, 2020 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Fear, Focus, Growth
I would but… I should but… I wish I could… I was going to….
We’ve all had moments where we allowed our fears to stop us right in our tracks. Sometimes the fear is valid but most of the time it was the lack of confidence in our own abilities.
What if I fail? What would people say? How will I come back from it? It’s too hard! I don’t know what to do! What will it look like? Here we are focusing on the “YOU” instead of what is to be accomplished. Fear always points back to you!
Did you know every time you second guess yourself, you allow self-doubt to grow? Change can be scary; but it can also be empowering!
When was the last time you just JUMPED! I mean decided and went for it. If you are honest with yourself it was probably one of the BEST decisions, you ever made. OKAY, I’ll speak for myself. The times when I did not allow my analytic mind to overanalyze the outcome and just did it; not only was it successful but I gained self-confidence, self-trust and self-respect. At the end, I realized there was NOTHING to fear but fear itself! I was allowing my fear, well more the lack of belief in myself and my abilities, to keep me from doing the things I really wanted to do.
I allowed hidden insecurities to keep me away from what I had been praying for. I allowed what wasn’t even in front of me and honestly, what was behind me; to keep me from living the life I desired. The life I craved. The life I deserved!
Don’t get it twisted! I fight fear EVERY DAY! As a survivor of abuse and trauma, it’s a natural response to be extra careful. I mean we lived that life. It was a norm. We were conditioned, groomed and manipulated into living a life of fear and discontentment. We learned to settle. We learned to not rock the boat. We learned to take baby steps or none at all. Don’t move to fast and don’t move without thinking it all the way through. I could cost you!
We were taught our thoughts were invaluable and lacked the ability of fulfillment. We were constantly questioned about every decision and every thought. We began to believe the lies that were told to us. When we did think, there was so much disbelief and anxiety that it caused physical pain. For years I suffered from migraines and backpain only to realize it was stress associated with my lifestyle.
The anxiety associated with that lifestyle began to affect everything in my life; work, friendships, relationships, family, faith, health. I began having problems sleeping. My binging and food addiction took over my life. I isolated myself. I gave up. I knew I would never do anything to hurt myself; but if I didn’t wake up, that would be okay too. I hit rock bottom.
Until…
I got tired of being tired of being tired and decided a change had to occur. But how? My self-esteem was so low. I didn’t trust myself to make any decision. I had no idea what life was supposed to look like. I didn’t know what healthy was because I had never experienced it. Dysfunction was a norm and I ate it every day! How do you go from living on life support to thriving?
Here’s how...
Acknowledge were you are. Decide what you want it to look like. Your image! NOT the image you see on television, read about on social media or in some fiction book or novel. Create your own picture. It doesn’t have to be perfect…when has life ever been perfect? The idea is to make today better than yesterday and make tomorrow better than today. Give yourself permission to try. Give yourself permission to dream. Give yourself permission to live. Surround yourself with people that push you out of your comfort zone and will hold your hand when you are afraid.
Self-love is the one investment you are a guaranteed a return on. I believe in you and will continue to believe in you until you can believe in yourself.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 29, 2020 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus
There are multitude opinions concerning self-reliance. The two I hear the most is everyone SHOULD be self-reliant; relying predominantly on your own powers and resources rather than those of others. The next one is you NEED others to become the person you were created to be. These are great examples why it’s important to know what you want, who you are and who you can depend on! I believe both opinions have very strong and valid argument potential. I also believe you cannot live in a bubble and expect to live a full and vibrant life. BUT you also cannot sit around waiting for someone to ride in on a white horse and save you. You must have a desire for self-reliance and self-preservation.
We were created to dwell among others. I am a true believer, the people you need in your life will appear when you are ready to receive them. I also believe everything you need to be successful is already inside of you, but you must learn how to manifest it and bring it to the surface. “Bringing it to the surface” could merely be reading a book, hiring a coach, sitting under a mentor, praying. But you must be willing to dig! You must be willing to go after what you desire in this life!
Many survivors of abuse or traumatic life experiences, struggle finding a balance between self-reliance and needing outward validation. And why shouldn’t they? For years, they have constantly been told what to do, what to think and how to react. Notice I said react not act.
Self-reliance demands you to be proactive not reactive. It demands you to know what you desire not what others desire for you. It demands you to make yourself a priority, something most survivors know nothing about! Self-reliance requires you to be truthful. Again, not a quality most survivors are comfortable with. Self-reliance says trust yourself. Until they go through a healing process, survivors don’t trust anybody especially not themselves.
So how do you become self-reliant when you are afraid to put that much confidence in yourself:
- Go with your gut – no one knows you better than you. Even in the midst of your fears, there was a still small voice that told you something wasn’t right. You weren’t able to act upon it, but you felt it. You hoped it was not true, but you felt it. Now it’s time to trust that feeling.
- Become your own best friend – it’s time to get to know yourself. You have been faithful and committed to everyone except you. You have made sacrifices for everyone. You have done the unthinkable for the sake of friendship. NOW it’s time to become your own best friend.
- Forgive yourself – It amazes me how easy it is to forgive others yet forgiving our self is one of the hardest things to do. I will admit THIS was my biggest stumbling block. I was so hard on myself because I SHOULD have known better. But, how? Why? Now is the time to forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know and ignoring what you did. We all want to see the best in situations even when they aren’t there.
- Ask yourself the hard questions – Self- reliance is based on what you NEED not what you want. You can never get that until you dig deep inside yourself and determine what you NEED. Ask the hard question. Why can’t I fully depend on myself? Why can’t I move past this place? Why is it so hard? Then listen to the answers. At this point it will be essential for you to change the narrative and create a new thought pattern.
Self-reliance does NOT mean you don’t need anyone. It simply means you have learned to exhaust your own abilities before going to someone else. You are not looking for someone to fix the problem for you. You are not sitting back hoping things just happen. You are taking the initiative and putting in place what you want to happen. Then seeking individual that will help you accomplish your goal. I’m cheering for you. I know coming out of a space where you haven’t had the privilege of depending on yourself, it’s hard to do. But you have no other choice. You must protect the woman you are fighting to become. You must give her a fighting chance. So, again, I ask, who do you depend on?
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 13, 2020 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus
Survivors of traumatic life experiences tend to struggle making simple decisions; so, life changing decisions take extra effort. Indecisiveness is not because they lack the ability to decide; but usually because one has been chastised for making “wrong” decisions
What do I wear? Where should we eat? What is the right response? Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I enough? Who will this effect? Will they like me? Can I do it? What if I fail? Maybe someone else should do it; I’m not good enough! I don’t have the skills or knowledge to make that choice. What would she do? What would he do?
Making decisions for a survivor is hard work and extremely exhausting!
They tend to weigh every decision as if life depended on it because in most situations it did! They overthink EVERYTHING! Survivors are constantly reassessing their thoughts and ultimately their choices. They lack the ability to know what healthy looks like because they are rarely exposed to healthy choices. They look at every situation from every lens possible just make sure. They seek validation from those that appear to be smarter, wiser, braver, stronger and more confident. Many times, the only validation they truly desire is from the individuals that have abused them.
It can be hard to see yourself as an INDEPENDENT WOMAN when you struggle to make simple decisions. One characteristic of an independent woman is SHE’S DECISIVE. She stands her ground. She does not waiver. She is intentional. She is bold and confident in her choices. If you struggle to make decisions, seeing yourself as independent can be a joke. But here me clear – decisiveness is the ABILITY to decide. You have the ability. It may just require extra effort!
A decisive person is a person who makes a decision and sticks with it. Many survivors are good at that. They made the decision to stay in the abuse even when it wasn’t the best decision. They made the decision to cover the abuse without feeling they had a choice. They made a decision to love past the pain even when it hurt more than they could bare.The ability is there; the reasoning may be questionable. Seeing yourself as decisive when you doubt your ability to make wise choices can cause anyone to second guess themselves.
BRICK: EVERYONE HAS MADE DECISIONS THAT CAUSED THEM TO QUESTION THEMSELVES!
You are NOT alone! The difference is they didn’t allow their choices to defined them. They didn’t allow their choices to keep them from making another decision. They used the lessons as opportunities to create a better way of doing it. You can do the same.
Check out these 5 characteristics of a decisive woman.
- SHE LIVES IN THE PRESENT – she realizes her past is JUST THAT the past! Her focus is on what’s ahead not what’s behind her. There is NOTHING in your past that can stop you without your consent.
- SHE IS RESILIENT – when things don’t go according to plan, she changes the plan not the goal. Resilience says learn the lesson, get up and do it again this time with a better understanding. You are NEVER starting over you are starting again!
- SHE TAKES RISKS – it didn’t work before! Guess what you are a different person now! Talking risk is the only way to push past limiting beliefs. You may surprise yourself with how great of an opportunity you almost missed.
- SHE LOOKS AT THE BIGGER PICTURE – this world is so big and so is life. She realizes life has limited her from seeing the bigger picture. Once she decides there’s more to life, she allows NOTHING to stop her from enjoying it all. NOT even herself.
- SHE IS FOCUSED – she sets goals. She steps out of her comfort zone. She realizes without goals it easy to return to the past. She uses her goals to make decisions not the words of others.
How do you become more decisive?
- Prioritize your thoughts
- Trust your gut
- Take a chance
- REPEAT as many times as necessary!
Getting it right is not the goal; choosing what feels right to you is the goal! You made a choice to step away from toxic and abusive situations. That was one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever made. It was a struggle. It may have taken several attempts, but you made it. Decide what you want now. Trust yourself. Take a chance and if necessary do it again and again until you are satisfied with the outcome. This is your life! You get to decide what feels right. I see you INDEPENDENT WOMAN! It looks good on you!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Oct 14, 2019 | Abuse, Growth
I’m not going to lie… it seems every few months I find myself in a place of doubt, uncertainty, conflict. A place where I feel I’m not enough. A place where I find myself saying things like “I’m DONE! I can’t do this! It’s more than I can handle! Who do I think I am giving advice with all my issues?” Should I be feeling like this as a coach? Maybe I’m in the wrong field! Yes, I’m in the right field! Yes I am enough. Yes I can do this. Yes! Yes! Yes!
Darn PTSD! It’s a beast! Thank God for therapy and JESUS!
Although I know I’m not alone in this battle, it can be a very lonely and confusing experience. But when you are called to make an impact; make a change; do something out of the ordinary; step outside of your comfort zone; go against the grain; call light to the dark; or do things you never thought you could do, it’s going to require something bigger than you. It’s going to cost you something. It’s going to push you into an unknown place, a place you don’t like. And that can be scary!
This month is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Each year I share a bit of my survival story on social media and at local events focusing on the different types of abuse (because it’s not always physical). AND each year, I’m combated with all the reason why I should have kept my mouth shut and quietly embraced just being out of it. Why I shouldn’t give details about what took place. Why I shouldn’t bring up the pain. Why I shouldn’t have said ANYTHING! How my story is NOT as bad as someone else’s. How I should leave this to those with a little more experience and expertise in the field. Every year there will be at least one person to declare “it’s over, let it go”; pushing me into a world spin of mixed emotions about having shared my story.
But this year was different! This year when the private message came, I smiled (I was ready for it). When the post went up about how people should celebrate being free and how talking about it was an indication there was still healing to be made, I remembered the message I got the day before of how my story helped a young lady realize she, in fact, was in an abusive relationship. The judgement of those that could not fathom the impact this traumatic event had on me could not silence me. Sharing my story did not mean I wasn’t healed or wanted to cause pain to my abuser but that I wanted to help another woman NEVER walk through that pain alone like I did. Sharing my story allowed me to reclaim the power that I gave to my abuser every time I kept quiet about what I experienced. Sharing my story got me a step closer to complete healing.
It was liberating not to feel a need to justify my decision to share my story. It felt empowering to not care what people thought or how they felt about me telling my story. My recovery was no longer based on what others thought was appropriate. It was all about what I needed to move forward in my personal healing. It was about using my story to tear down the myths and lies associated with abuse.
We are overcome by our testimony. Yet people want you to be quiet and sit in the pain of it. They want you to be silent because they are simply validated by your misery. When you no longer cater to their needs, they lose their hold over you. You don’t have to prove who you are to anyone except the person in the mirror. She is the ONLY one you must justify your feelings or emotions to. Most people are basking in their own misery and want you to bask in yours. Your testimony is a time to celebrate what you’ve come through. You do not have to be afraid to share it out of fear of what others will say.
The whole idea of feeling like you are not enough or that you can’t do this – is a direct reflection of you comparing yourself to others or trying to live up to expectations of others. You were created for this. Your road may be difficult, and the path may be bumpy. You may have to step over a few stumps every now but it gets easier with time. The road may become harder but how you navigate it will become easier.
Do I still have those moments where I want to throw in the towel? YUP! I probably always will. Because now I realize it’s not because I’m not equipped for the assignment but that the assignment is bigger than me and I CAN’T do it on my own. I need GOD to help me. I need HIM to hold my hand through it. I need HIM to go before me and fight the battles that I am no longer required to fight.
Do you avoid sharing your story because of how others have perceived it and your interpretation of it? Do you allow the expectations of others to control how you view your ability to do what you’ve been called to do? Could you relate to parts of this blog? I’d love to hear your thoughts share them below.
Until Next Time,
