by Coach Tina | Jan 31, 2020 | Encouragement, Growth, purpose, Relationships
It happened just like that… sitting here minding my own business and he jumps in my inbox! This fine specimen of a man. Fine is a bit of an understatement. He is gorgeous! Carmel brown, nice trimmed beard, balled head, full lips, beautiful smile, 6 feet tall, muscular body, Master’s degree, management, loves to travel, looking a woman to spoil…. Yes baby, here I AM! And then the ball drops! He has a 5-year-old daughter that lives with him! I know! I feel the exact same way….. pure disappointment!!
Why is God playing with my emotions? And no, I’m not sharing his profile with any of y’all! If I can’t date him y’all ain’t either! Cause then I will have to come hang out at your house just to see him! LOL
Boundaries are never easy! But one of mine as I entertain the idea of dating with purpose, is not dating anyone with young kids. Having spent the last 31 years of my life responsible for the daily needs of someone, I have decided I need a break from any type of “child rearing”. I’ve also determined my butt is spoiled. I have NEVER thought about my need to be loved, appreciated, cherished or made a priority as spoiled. But it IS! First step is admittance! I also never thought those things were at the top of my list of needs, but they are! I NEED those things and I want them from a man that can give them to me without restriction. So, I had to be honest with myself – my needs are probably not going to be met by a man with a young child especially one that he has full custody of. So, the boundary was set! But whew baby! Let me go look at that picture one more time…
Do you have areas in your life that you NEED to set some boundaries around? Here are some signs you lack boundaries.
- You find yourself making too many grand sacrifices for others at your own expense
- You feel guilty when others aren’t happy (as if it’s you’re responsible for their happiness)
- You say “yes” when you want to say “no”
- You feel guilty for dedicating time to yourself
- You feel others take you and/or your time for granted
- You are out of touch with your needs
- You are concerned about what other people think of you
- You attract people that are emotionally unavailable, controlling or domineering
I see you nodding your head! You are NOT alone. Most women do not have good boundaries! We have been conditioned to cater to the needs of others. From day one we were taught to care for someone else before we cared for ourselves. Think about when you were introduced to a baby doll. You were told, “here is your baby. Make sure you take care of her”.
Well now it’s time to take care of you. What do you need? What do you desire? What do you deserve? If you are having problems setting boundaries, please reach out I would be glad to work with you.
Now let me look at this picture one more time and delete this profile. No need to have a temptation staring in my face!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jan 7, 2020 | Growth, purpose
Everyone is adamant that 2020 will be “THEIR YEAR”! But what the heck does that even mean? Let’s be real didn’t we say that last year? Yes shade thrown!!
We were determined NOT to have another year like the year before. Determine to make the changes that we’ve been wanting for the last 5 years. Determine NOT to continue the path we’ve been on forever and a day. YEP! We all said it! This year WILL BE DIFFERENT – this will be MY YEAR! Only to get to December and realize there was NO significant changes.
Well let me throw a little bit more shade – get your sunglasses! That was NOT my story. Last year was phenomenal. I learned so much about myself and I’ve shared it with you in different formats and on different platforms. But in case you aren’t following me and just happened to stumble across this blog post – let me tell you!
2019 was a really good year! Actually, the last couple years have been really good and I’m expecting 2020 to be even better. Could there be another book? Could there be a YouTube channel? Could there be an additional conference? Could there be some more weight loss? Could there be a committed relationship? Could there be a move? I don’t know but I am ready for it all.
One of the things I do every year is choose a word to focus on. Last year was no different. My word(s) was POWER MOVES! Boy, did I make some big power moves. I stepped out of my comfort zone. Like really jumped! I will share those in another blog but for now I want to help you find your word for the year.
5 Steps to your word:
- REFLECT – reflect on last year. I mean really think hard about what you like and didn’t like. What you could have done different and what you enjoyed doing. Now think about what you would like to have more of. What would you like less of. How do you REALLY feel after that reflection? Are you happy, sad, excited, tired? What would you like to feel?
- VISUALIZE – Now I want you to imagine if you could “feel” that way every day! Fulfilled, satisfied, inspired, joyful, happy, loved, encouraged, empowered. Did you feel a peace come over you as you thought about those feelings? If not, girl, go read that list again! Because that’s how you want to feel! NO stress. NO anxiety. NO regrets. Just you doing the things that make you happy! But what’s keeping you from feeling like that?
- CREATE A LIST – create a list of all the things you THINK are keeping you from feeling that way. NO self-editing. Just make a list. Here are some things you can think about. Lack of confidence, willpower, the how-to, determination, support, productivity. Are you fearful, doubtful, scared? Do you lack support? What’s hindering you?
- REVIEW and REFINE – Now look at all the things that are hindering you. Is there a pattern? Write down words that show up consistently. Narrow this list down to 3 words. Which word provides an opportunity for growth. Which word makes you excited, nervous, scared or uncomfortable? Guess what? THAT’S YOUR WORD!
Remember when I said my word for 2019 was POWER MOVES – I had to stop playing small. I had to do things that would prevent me from returning to the OLD WAY of doing things I had to put myself out on front street, be accountable. I had to make some moves that would scare the HELL out of me. I had to do some things that would make me look at myself differently. And believe me every time I turned around, I was placed in position to were I HAD to show up.
- IT’S MORE THAN A WORD – Ask yourself one last question: Can you commit to this word? Can you lean into the changes required to make this word come alive in your life? If so, you have created the word for the year.
Take a moment and share you word with me in the comments. Write a post on social media and tag me with the #wordoftheyear. Join the facebook group where you can see the video, I made that talks about this process. What ever you decide… just create word for the year so you can have a place of reference when things seem funny and unmanageable. Remember YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Oct 14, 2019 | Abuse, Growth
I’m not going to lie… it seems every few months I find myself in a place of doubt, uncertainty, conflict. A place where I feel I’m not enough. A place where I find myself saying things like “I’m DONE! I can’t do this! It’s more than I can handle! Who do I think I am giving advice with all my issues?” Should I be feeling like this as a coach? Maybe I’m in the wrong field! Yes, I’m in the right field! Yes I am enough. Yes I can do this. Yes! Yes! Yes!
Darn PTSD! It’s a beast! Thank God for therapy and JESUS!
Although I know I’m not alone in this battle, it can be a very lonely and confusing experience. But when you are called to make an impact; make a change; do something out of the ordinary; step outside of your comfort zone; go against the grain; call light to the dark; or do things you never thought you could do, it’s going to require something bigger than you. It’s going to cost you something. It’s going to push you into an unknown place, a place you don’t like. And that can be scary!
This month is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Each year I share a bit of my survival story on social media and at local events focusing on the different types of abuse (because it’s not always physical). AND each year, I’m combated with all the reason why I should have kept my mouth shut and quietly embraced just being out of it. Why I shouldn’t give details about what took place. Why I shouldn’t bring up the pain. Why I shouldn’t have said ANYTHING! How my story is NOT as bad as someone else’s. How I should leave this to those with a little more experience and expertise in the field. Every year there will be at least one person to declare “it’s over, let it go”; pushing me into a world spin of mixed emotions about having shared my story.
But this year was different! This year when the private message came, I smiled (I was ready for it). When the post went up about how people should celebrate being free and how talking about it was an indication there was still healing to be made, I remembered the message I got the day before of how my story helped a young lady realize she, in fact, was in an abusive relationship. The judgement of those that could not fathom the impact this traumatic event had on me could not silence me. Sharing my story did not mean I wasn’t healed or wanted to cause pain to my abuser but that I wanted to help another woman NEVER walk through that pain alone like I did. Sharing my story allowed me to reclaim the power that I gave to my abuser every time I kept quiet about what I experienced. Sharing my story got me a step closer to complete healing.
It was liberating not to feel a need to justify my decision to share my story. It felt empowering to not care what people thought or how they felt about me telling my story. My recovery was no longer based on what others thought was appropriate. It was all about what I needed to move forward in my personal healing. It was about using my story to tear down the myths and lies associated with abuse.
We are overcome by our testimony. Yet people want you to be quiet and sit in the pain of it. They want you to be silent because they are simply validated by your misery. When you no longer cater to their needs, they lose their hold over you. You don’t have to prove who you are to anyone except the person in the mirror. She is the ONLY one you must justify your feelings or emotions to. Most people are basking in their own misery and want you to bask in yours. Your testimony is a time to celebrate what you’ve come through. You do not have to be afraid to share it out of fear of what others will say.
The whole idea of feeling like you are not enough or that you can’t do this – is a direct reflection of you comparing yourself to others or trying to live up to expectations of others. You were created for this. Your road may be difficult, and the path may be bumpy. You may have to step over a few stumps every now but it gets easier with time. The road may become harder but how you navigate it will become easier.
Do I still have those moments where I want to throw in the towel? YUP! I probably always will. Because now I realize it’s not because I’m not equipped for the assignment but that the assignment is bigger than me and I CAN’T do it on my own. I need GOD to help me. I need HIM to hold my hand through it. I need HIM to go before me and fight the battles that I am no longer required to fight.
Do you avoid sharing your story because of how others have perceived it and your interpretation of it? Do you allow the expectations of others to control how you view your ability to do what you’ve been called to do? Could you relate to parts of this blog? I’d love to hear your thoughts share them below.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 18, 2019 | Bible Challenge, Growth, purpose
Sometimes I think I do too much!! I tell too much! I think it comes off as complaining or attention seeking! THEN I will hear from one of you and how my story has given you courage to fight another day. Given you permission to say NO. Encouraged you to try again. Reminded you that you are not alone.
That’s what your story should do! It should encourage others to want to be better, to do better, and to help others. You didn’t go through what you went through just to experience it. You went through it to show up as a survivor, as a warrior. To show up victoriously!
God allowed you to survive because HE knew HE could trust you with what you learned.
Truth of the matter – wanting to shy away from my story and hide behind the mask is exactly what my abusers want me to do. Speaking out meant they can no longer control me. Speaking out meant I can heal from what afflicted me.
Every time I share my story I get stronger. A link in the chain of bondage breaks. Every time I speak on abuse or encourage another woman, I’m reminded I’m no longer in that situation and I have something to celebrate.
I’m not going to lie; it’s not easy telling it! I tend to shy away from the parts that haunt me at night. There are times I look in the mirror and can see that woman who didn’t believe she was enough. Every now and then I see that woman that believed she did something to deserve what happened to her. But then I look myself in the eyes and say:
YOU MADE IT! YOU SURVIVED! YOU ARE AMAZING! YOU ARE ENOUGH! YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!
YES, I talk to myself! It helps erase the memories of being told I wasn’t enough. That I would never be enough. That something was wrong with me. I get through the dark by remembering to be the light!
You are called to be a light in this world. (Matthew 5:14) I’ve never seen a light shrink or fade because someone didn’t like it. Do you think the sun would hide because someone said it was too bright? Do you think a light bulb would cut itself off because someone didn’t like its color? Girl, please! Remember the ones that are tired of hearing your voice, are the ones that tried to silence it in the first place. Speak louder! Let them know they can’t control you or your healing.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jun 20, 2019 | Abuse, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, purpose
Rest, if you must, but don’t quit. Edgar Quest
Let’s be real sometimes rest just don’t seem like enough! If you’ve ever been emotionally or mentally tired, your understanding of that statement surpasses one who is physically tired. When you are physically tired, a nap usually does the trick. But when you add emotions into the equation, a nap is just not enough. But what do you do?
June has been a deep dive into “Persevere: Don’t Quit!”Let me tell you – I have been challenged, pulled, and pushed all around with this one. I’ve wanted to yell, cry, scream and yes even cuss a few people out. I wanted to tell them what I really thought about them and how I could see right through them and their tricks. I could see how they were manipulative and self-centered. I wanted to let them know how what they said and did hurt my feelings. I wanted to yell I am enough with or without them. I wanted to let them know that the silent treatment no longer works on me. I wanted to let them know they no longer had control over me. AND THEN…. I realized a few things!
- They didn’t deserve that kind of energy from me. (energy is everything)
- I just wanted to prove a point. (never good)
- I was looking to validate how I felt by making them look at me. (they could care less)
- I was ACTUALLY allowing their mistreatment to affect me by dwelling on it. (doing exactly what they wanted)
- Their behavior was typical of an abuser and I shouldn’t be surprised. (get yo life)
- Everyone must answer to their own behavior and as much as I wanted, I could NEVER make a person change. (they ain’t changing)
- I was responsible for how I responded NOT why the person did what they did. (prioritize)
- I had to do more than just warn people of misbehavior, I had to show them what it looked like. And more importantly how to protect yourself from it. (get in position)
I found myself in a dilemma: FIGHT OR QUIT! Well I ain’t NO QUITTER! I knew what I had to do but not sure how to do it. I didn’t want it to look like I was whining. I didn’t want it to look like I was bitter. And I definitely didn’t want to look like a PUNK! I could NOT sit back and watch people I cared about be torn apart by wounded vindictive predators. I had to own my story! I had to get over the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). I had to stand up and fight. I had to take back the control I had given away. I had to stop being afraid of what people would say. I put my gloves on because ONE thing I’ve learned people are going to talk so why not give them a good story to tell.
I’m not sure how this all will look but now that I’ve rested, it’s time to FIGHT! Fight for myself. Fight for other women. Fight for those that aren’t aware. Fight for those who are aware but afraid to admit what they know. Fight for our little girls!! Our little girls SHOULD NEVER have to experience abuse, insecurity, bullying or mishandling! They will KNOW who they are! They will know how to fight! They will know it’s okay to rest but never quit!
This isn’t JUST about abuse from a man. This is abuse from all toxic people!!! I look forward to you joining in for the ride. Make sure to drop your comments, questions or concerns below. If there are topic you want me to cover leave those as well. But whatever you do, DO NOT QUIT! You are in the fight for your life. Put on those boxing gloves and let’s go!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | May 22, 2019 | Encouragement, Fear, Growth
Some days, I have it all together!
Some days, I make it LOOK like I have it all together.
But every now and then I have days where everything in me screams in total rage, making me want to throw in the towel and say, “to HELL with everything!” Sound familiar?
The days when everything was screaming at me and I wanted to give up, are also the days I didn’t want to put on my big girl pants. Heck, I didn’t want to put on any pants! I wanted to climb under my covers and just let the time pass away. I didn’t want to be a coach. I didn’t want to be motivating or encouraging. I didn’t want to be a “christian”. I didn’t want to be friendly. I didn’t want to even exist. Existing hurt to bad. Existing meant I had to accept what was going on. Existing meant I had to pull myself up and do something. Existing meant I had to BE! And I just didn’t want to BE – I wanted to be left alone!I I wanted the world to stop for just a moment so I could catch my breath and sit in my pity party! It was those days, I found myself replaying EVERY negative word my abusers (Yes, multiple) ever said to me. I questioned everything about me. I searched for every flaw I could find. I didn’t need anyone else to torture me, I tortured myself. Constantly second guessing every decision I ever made. When I went deep, I went REAL DEEP! I would grab a spoon, climb into a hole and dig it deeper! 
However, when I look back at those days, I have to admit, those where the days I grew the most. Those were the days I came out ready to fight. Those were the days I came out loving myself a little deeper. Those were the days I set boundaries that I could implement without fear. Those were the days courage took over and fear took a back seat. Those were the days my abusers lost power over me. Those were the days my big girl pants became more attractive and fit flawlessly. Those were the days not only did I BECOME, but wanted to help others get out of their own way and BECOME!
We’ve been taught to “keep it together”. To wear a smile at all times. To put our best foot forward. To NEVER let them see you sweat. To stay away from the darkness. GIRL, BYE!!! Keep holding that stuff in! You are going to explode! If it never rained, how would we ever learn to appreciate the sunshine?
The dark days are not there to discourage you. If you allow them, they will encourage you. They will build you. They will grow you. It’s when you deny your feelings, acting like everything is alright, when you actually fall apart. One of my favorite authors, Shelia Walsh says it best, “It’s okay to not be okay”! That was the best thing I ever
We were not put here to be perfect.
Perfect people DO NOT EXIST! Perfect places DO NOT EXIST!
Perfect situations ARE CREATED by imperfect people!
When I feel those dark moments arising, I take out my planner and schedule a mental health day! Seriously, I take a pen and mark a day in my calendar for me to give in to those feelings. Once that day is over, I document what I learned and move on. To some that may seem extreme but to be honest, it has been my saving grace. Learning to accept myself as I am and not allowing the need to be perfect control me, has been one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever given myself. You should try it! My name is Tina and my perfection is flawed!
Until Next Time,
