by Coach Tina | May 31, 2022 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Growth, Healing, purpose, Relationships
I can trust myself to make good decision that propel me to be a better me.
Let me start by saying learning to trust yourself after any type of betrayal is HARD! It always amazes me how we can eventually forgive the person that betrayed us yet find it difficult to trust ourselves enough to make decision that prevent us from entering relationships that potentially can cause the same damage.
I’ve had a few moments where I’ve felt the weight associated with being betrayed. I have moments where I felt I had sacrificed my own happiness and desires for others and was let down when they did not reciprocate the effort. It left me feeling I wasn’t doing enough and tried to do more, instead of realizing it wasn’t that I wasn’t doing enough, it was because the other person couldn’t receive what I was offering or unable to show the appreciation I needed them to show.
There is so much to unpack in that statement alone. We should probably do that at some point. But that is NOT what this blog will address. I found the betrayal of others, caused me to question who I was and challenged me to look at what I was doing. I was certain if I could not “satisfy” someone else with my good intentions, then maybe my “good intentions” weren’t good after all.
It took a long time for me to trust my feelings, my apprehensions, my discernment, to trust myself. I still have moments where I question if my intentions are authentic and healthy. I constantly ask myself if I’m making the right decisions. I often over-analyze the situation. I even talk myself out of some things only to go back to them.
I said all of that to say, I really don’t think a person that has been traumatized every stops second guessing themselves and their intentions. It has become part of our norm. However, it does not have to remain our only norm. We can limit our hesitations by learning one simple rule.
It’s only a mistake, if you don’t learn from it.
I had to learn there is not such thing as a mistake; it’s a mishap. There is NO failure. There’s opportunities. You either complete the task or learn what does not work and start again with a different perception. That simple philosophy has changed my entire life, professionally and personally. I don’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I just has to be MY best. PERIODT! If I am giving everything I have and it’s not enough, that is the problem of the recipient not mine. If I am being authentic in what I say and do and they don’t believe it, that’s their problem. If my good isn’t good enough, they are free to find someone they believe can do it better. When I tell you this statement set me free – it would be an understatement. I no longer question whether it’s enough for them, I make sure it’s enough for me. That I am being true to myself and giving the best that I have to offer. Giving my best has allowed me to learn to trust myself again and push myself into the best version of myself. Unapologetic and authentic. Intentional and determined. Bold and courageous. I finally started giving myself what I was wanting from others. Acceptance!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Feb 1, 2021 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Forgiveness, Healing
I don’t know about you, but I haven’t always been very loving or kind to myself – who am I fooling? There are times I’m still NOT very kind to myself!
When I find myself being nit-picky over everything I do or say, I have to stop and re-adjust my crown. Because if I don’t see myself as a QUEEN, no on else will. If I don’t love myself unconditionally, no one else will. If I can’t show myself grace, no one else will.
However, let me be very transparent; I hate to even write this. Because once you write something, it’s available for the entire world to see. But my judgmental attitude towards myself cause me to be judgmental towards others! YUP! IT DID! Tell the truth shame the devil. When I was in the height of my food addiction, I turned my nose up on those that couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to weigh over 300 pounds or couldn’t understand it was an addiction. When I was hiding the flaws of my marriage, I judged those that didn’t want to hear me complain about it or understand why I didn’t just leave. When I was disgusted by my lack of self-esteem, I called my confident sisters cocky and bougie. When I doubted my ability as a coach, I got mad at those who were further along but didn’t want to share their secrets to success. UMM, the audacity!
Everybody talks about self-love. How important it is and why we must show ourselves love. But they never tell us what it is or how to do it. I don’t mean those blogs where they tell you to take yourself on a date, buy yourself flowers, etc. I mean what the heck is self-love. How does it show up? How do I stop hating myself when that’s all I’ve ever done? How do I show up for myself when no one else ever has? How do I let go of the crave associated with how I currently see myself? YES, you can crave toxicity! We can talk about that later! Enough of the bubble baths and flowers – let’s get real!
What is self-love? One of my favorite definitions is: Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Let’s break that down. Having a high regard – making it a priority. For my OWN – not comparing to others. Well-being – making sure I’m okay. Happiness – not looking for someone else to validate and affirm me. Self-love does NOT mean you are self-centered or narcistic or that you have the grandiose ego! It simply means you are willing to make your happiness and well-being a priority in your life.
But if you’ve never been given permission to do that, it can be difficult. Well, I’m giving you permission! I’m saying it’s okay for you to make yourself a priority. I’m saying it’s okay to be happy. I’m saying it’s okay to protect yourself. I’m saying it’s okay to love yourself. I’m saying it’s okay to make sure you are well. I’m saying it’s okay to say YES to yourself.
Maybe you don’t need permission. Maybe you do a good job showing yourself love. Can I ask you a question? Why are you playing small? Why are you settling for a job you hate? Why are you in a relationship that does not serve you? Why are you making excuses for going after that promotion? Why did you pass on the dress you loved because your friend didn’t like it? Why are you comparing yourself to others? Why are you doubting your abilities? Why haven’t you signed up to take that class? Why are you limiting yourself to your comfort zone? OKAY I know that was more than A QUESTION! But you get the point.
The lack of self-love does not always show up as hateful words. It can show up as subtle biases or comparisons, negative thoughts or unappreciation for the person you see in the mirror. It can show up in limiting beliefs or allowing imposter syndrome to keep you from moving forward. It shows us in judging your sisters. It shows up using religion as the standard in which to live. Pause – God loves you as you are. He does not measure you by your abilities or lack thereof but by your love for Him and desire to make Him Lord of your life.
Survivors of trauma often battle showing love, receiving love, and knowing what love is. So why are you being so hard on yourself for not knowing? It’s a process. It takes time to learn to love yourself after you have been taught you aren’t enough. Give yourself grace. Get up. Straighten your crown. Hit the reset button. And try again. When stumble, get up and do all it all over again as many times as you have to That, my friend, is self-love!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Nov 20, 2018 | Forgiveness, Growth
Not forgiving is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die – (quoted by many)
There was a time I had a really hard time dealing with offenses. If someone did something to me, not only did I make it personal, but I dwelled on it. I sat in the pain and allowed it to fester. I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to mistreat or harm me. I was that person that would do anything for anyone. I just found it hard to justify why someone would deliberately hurt me. Then things would take a turn and I would search to see if there was something I did that warranted the offense. Many times, I would justify it with anything I could. Until I had to acknowledge that some people were just mean, and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. 
I also had to come to grips with “hurt people hurt people”. Once I understood these lessons and realized I was doing myself a disservice by making the offense about me, I was able to change the way I looked at the offense. What they were projecting had absolutely nothing to do with me but what they were feeling about themselves. Their “inner me” was having a field day revealing all their insecurities and to combat it they were lashing out at anyone in their path.
So, in most cases I decided to get out of their path and allow them to project that pain on someone else. No longer would I allow people to spur their hate and anger on me when I had nothing to do with it.
Although that philosophy was awesome and provided a logical explanation of their behavior, I found it did not do anything for the pain I still carried around because of the attacks that had already taken place. I found myself emotionally, mentally, physically even spiritually drained. I didn’t want to commune with anyone. I isolated myself from people. I shut down emotionally. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t move forward with the plans I was making for myself. I was a mess.
That is when I realized – I needed to forgive. I needed to really whole heartedly forgive. I needed to let go of the strings that were binding me to that pain and the offenses. I needed to stop allowing what they did to control what I was doing now. But how? How do you move forward from something that had become a customary part of your life?
Well in this week’s blog we will talk about not only how to let go but what happens if you don’t! I will show you how holding on to unforgiveness truly is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die. Holding on to forgiveness robs you of so many things; the most important thing in my opinion, is it robs you of who you were created to be.
Many may deny that unforgiveness causes physical and emotional breakdowns in a person’s life. But tell me if you can you relate to any of these statements?
1. You have unexplained burst of anger. You just get mad for no apparent reason. Everything can be going well and suddenly you explode. And the person at the end of the explosion is usually the person who has offended you in some way but that don’t always have to be the case. You can explode on any one that is in your path.
2. You insist on making sure the offender knows they have offended you. It wouldn’t be right if you didn’t bring it to their attention. They would certainly feel bad if they knew how you felt and maybe right the wrong. Right? Are you bringing it to there attention to help them or to help yourself?
3. You are petty and malicious. You look for things to bring up about the offense or about the offender. You keep track of what they do. You take subtle jabs and possibly send rude messages making sure they are aware of your pain. You gossip about them to anyone that will listen. You look for their flaws to extenuate them. Are you getting better or worse by talking about them?
4. You do not take responsibility for your part in the offense. You can remember exactly what happened, when it happened, what you were wearing when it happened. You can remember what the person smelt like when they did it. But you seldom remember your response or what you did after the offense. It’s always their fault! You did NOTHING wrong?
Do any of those sound familiar? YES!! Then you have a forgiveness problem.
I could go down the spiritual road about forgiveness and remind you, if you don’t forgive, God will not forgive you. (Mark 11:26). But, I’ll leave that for another blog. Today I want to let you know you will NEVER be able to accomplish the goals and dreams you have, holding on to unforgiveness! You will become so consumed with what that person did, it will rob you of your focus, your passion, and your desire. Is it worth it? Is holding on to a grudge that someone has done worth you forfeiting what you desire to do in your life?
You can sit and make all the plans you desire. You can make the prettiest vision boards (y’all know I love a vision board), you can hire the best life coach (that would be me) or you can purchase every self-help book written. Until you clear your heart of unforgiveness, you will not fully fulfill your lifetime dreams or goals.
Are you ready to let it go? It will not happen overnight, but I promise by doing the exercise below, you will at least have a desire to forgive! You will have the tools required to forgive.
- Identify the offender. Choose someone low on your list for this first go around. Someone whose offense was significant but minor. I want you to experience what forgiveness feels like. Many of you are holding on to years of unforgiveness and this will help you feel it for the first time. You will do this with each person on your list.
- Identify your feelings associated with the offense. How do you feel when you think of that person? Do you have rage? Are you angry? Are you shameful? Guilty? Write down the feelings. Write down what you smell, the color associated with it. Write down every emotion you are experiencing right now.
- Let’s forgive. Look at what you wrote on your paper. Examine the feelings carefully. Now imagine if that person was feeling any of those emotions when they offended you. What if someone did something to them that cause those emotions to rise in them and to compensate for how they were feeling they lashed out on you. They were hurting, and you happened to be a vessel they used to release the anger.
Here’s an example. I was riding down the freeway and a car cut me off. I was so mad! I blew my horn! I yelled. I thought about how I could have had a wreck and never seen my child again. I called her all sorts of names. Then I stopped and thought what if she just got a call saying her child was sick or even dying? What if she didn’t see me because her eyes were filled with tears? What if she didn’t even know I was there because her mind was somewhere else? It made me look at the situation differently. I was okay. No damage was done. I prayed for her to get where she was going safely and everything in her life would be okay.
That’s what happens when you forgive. It makes you change the way you view the person that offended you. No, it doesn’t make it right. They shouldn’t have mishandled you. You didn’t deserve it, but they were hurting. It had absolutely nothing to do with you. It was their projection of their pain onto you. But it had nothing to do with you.
Now here is the hard part; you must make a choice; do you continue to blame them for what cannot be changed? Or do you refuse to allow their pain to hinder you from your goals. Your plans. Your purpose.
Give them back their emotions. Their hurt. Their pain and move on with your life. Remember forgiveness is not saying the offense didn’t happen; it’s saying I refuse to allow it to control my life.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Feb 19, 2016 | Encouragement, Forgiveness, Growth
Ever had those moments where you ask “what good can come out of this”? We’ve all heard the scripture “all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
But what good can truly come of lying, stealing, murder, cheating, adultery, anger, mistreating children, etc.? What purpose can be created from things like that?
It’s hard to see the good in a situation when you are experiencing it. But remember it is a promise of God. He promised to work things out for us as we love Him and live for Him. As we focus on things that are good and pure (Philippians 4:8), goodness is coming our way.
When I was sexually assaulted, I could see no good in that. When my father died; when I struggled with low self-esteem; when my marriage began to fall apart; when my blood pressure elevated and I was on the verge of having a stroke, nope – no good in any of those situations. But God has used each of those circumstances and allowed me to speak to women in the exact same situation and be a witness that she will come through, if she stays focused. He will work it together for good, if you give Him the opportunity.
You must be intentional!
You must intentionally give Him an opportunity. John Kornfield says it best “intentions lead to behaviors which lead to habits which lead to person
al development which lead to destiny”. You will never make it to your destiny living haphazardly. You will never make it to your destiny holding on to hurt, anger, or pain. These things will keep you stuck in your current situation. They will hinder you from living the purpose God has for you.
Now don’t get it twisted, I have my days where the things I want to forget are so vibrant and in the forefront, that it takes everything in my power to push them aside. But it’s then that I have to make it intentional!! It is then I have to make it deliberate. It has to be done on purpose. It can only be done with God’s help.
Those people that hurt you, you have to intentionally love them. The ones that talked about you, intentionally speak life to them. The ones that told lies on you, intentionally pray for them. For as you deliberately do the right thing, it becomes a behavior to you. As your Godly behaviors develop, they become habits. Your habits will help develop you into the person you were destined to be.
Those things that are the hardest to forgive, are the things God requires that you intentionally give over to Him. He gave us permission to “cast all our cares on Him”. Yet we continue to walk around angry, hard-hearted, and broken. God is ready and able to lighten the load and to mend the hurt.
You cannot do anything to change the past, all you can do is live forward and live an unapologetically good life. A purpose filled life. A life destined for greatness. A life made of intentions.
Until Next Time,
Tina
by Coach Tina | Oct 1, 2015 | Forgiveness
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how to let go and forget the transgressions of others. Since then I’ve had people chime in asking how do you forget what someone did to you when you are struggling with the forgiving them for what they did in the first place. I must admit that is a very valid response. So let’s address it.
I will also admit that it isn’t always easy for me to offer forgiveness to individuals that do me wrong or I feel have done me wrong (but that’s for another post). But I realized that I had to learn to forgive or I would never get over the hurt. There have been a few things in my life that required that I forgive: abuse, infidelity, slander, rape, lying, and the list goes on. Even though I was not sure how I was going to get over the hurt associated with those things, I knew walking around mad was not helping me. I had to let go of the anger because it was destroying me.
Holding on to anger and not forgiving people will hurt you far more than it will ever hurt the other person.
I also learned many times the person you are angry with don’t even know the extent of your anger and may not even realize they have hurt you. When you hold on to that pain you tend to replay the situation over and over in your mind, causing you to relive the hurt. You think of all the things you should have done that “may” have changed the outcome. You beat yourself up and find ways to blame yourself. Do you see the pattern? You are inflicting pain on yourself for what someone else did.
BUT when you forgive you free yourself from that anger. When you forgive you stop the negative talk in your mind. You can change the images and thoughts you have about the situation. You provide an opportunity to break free of the bondage the hurt/person has over you. You place blame where blame is due and allow them to take responsibility for what they did. You stop blaming yourself for someone else’s actions or behaviors. Now do you see the pattern? You no longer allow that pain to bind you.
It is important for you to understand –
- Forgiveness is not something you do for the other person. It is something you do for yourself.
- Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is an action.
- Forgiveness is not pardoning what they did. It is refusing to allow them to have power over you because of what they did.
- Forgiveness is not saying what they did didn’t hurt you. It is saying they will not continue to hurt you.
But how?
Forgiveness is something you DO every day. You have to make a conscious decision to let go of the pain. Unfortunately, forgiveness don’t come with feelings. It can only be completed by actions. I will go into further details in a later post but the first thing to do is: STOP SEEING YOURSELF AS A VICTIM!!! The actions of others is NOT a reflection of you. The choices they’ve made is a complete reflection of themselves and the issues they have within. If a person will hurt you, many times it’s because of the hurt they are experiencing themselves.
There may be times when you have to disassociate yourself with the person that caused you pain and that’s okay. Just because you don’t allow them in your presence does not mean you haven’t forgiven them. It simply means you have decided to place a boundary to protect yourself. Remember your job is to make every effort possible to take care of yourself.
Until Next Time,
Tina
by Coach Tina | Aug 13, 2015 | Forgiveness, Growth
I have a confession to make. I’ve had my struggles with issues that required me to offer forgiveness and well my confession is I didn’t do so well. Are you really forgiving if you don’t forget? I’ve always been that person to say you can forgive without forgetting because forgetting sets you up for it to happen again. Well… that may be true BUT holding on to the thoughts of what happened keeps you stuck in the pain of what was done to you.
There are super saints out there that have no problem forgiving AND forgetting when people mistreat them or do them wrong. I have to admit I am NOT one of them but I’m praying that God will help me to truly forgive and forget the things and/or people that have hurt my feelings in the past.
Forgetting the wrong doings of others can be a hard assignment but with dedication and commitment I believe it can be done. What helps me is to remember, I want to be forgiven and I even want my flaws and mishaps to be forgotten. How can we expect others to do for us what we are not willing to do for them?
But how do you forget?
- Memories have a way of just popping up. If a memory occurs, take a deep breath and remember you are in control of your thoughts. You have the ability to make them anything you want them to be.
- Be real with yourself. Ask “Did something happen to retrigger that thought?” Many times memories are triggered by the strangest things. We are like onions sometimes we cannot deal with all of the situation at one time and we need to handle it piece by piece. If that is the case deal with your feelings but don’t dwell in your feelings.
- Realize you have an option. You can continue to allow this situation or thought to control you or you can control it. Ask yourself “Is this worth getting upset over?” “Do I really want to deal with this now or can I move on?”
- Then decide how you will deal with the memory. As I said you are in control of your thoughts and your decisions. If you choose to put the memory aside and not allow it to upset you – forgetting has begun. If you choose to allow it control you and take over your thoughts – you need to work on forgiving because there is still some issues there.
I told you forgiving and forgetting requires work and dedication but I believe that we are more than capable of putting in the work to master the task and to grow to be our BEST!
Until next time,
Tina
