by Coach Tina | May 31, 2022 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Growth, Healing, purpose, Relationships
I can trust myself to make good decision that propel me to be a better me.
Let me start by saying learning to trust yourself after any type of betrayal is HARD! It always amazes me how we can eventually forgive the person that betrayed us yet find it difficult to trust ourselves enough to make decision that prevent us from entering relationships that potentially can cause the same damage.
I’ve had a few moments where I’ve felt the weight associated with being betrayed. I have moments where I felt I had sacrificed my own happiness and desires for others and was let down when they did not reciprocate the effort. It left me feeling I wasn’t doing enough and tried to do more, instead of realizing it wasn’t that I wasn’t doing enough, it was because the other person couldn’t receive what I was offering or unable to show the appreciation I needed them to show.
There is so much to unpack in that statement alone. We should probably do that at some point. But that is NOT what this blog will address. I found the betrayal of others, caused me to question who I was and challenged me to look at what I was doing. I was certain if I could not “satisfy” someone else with my good intentions, then maybe my “good intentions” weren’t good after all.
It took a long time for me to trust my feelings, my apprehensions, my discernment, to trust myself. I still have moments where I question if my intentions are authentic and healthy. I constantly ask myself if I’m making the right decisions. I often over-analyze the situation. I even talk myself out of some things only to go back to them.
I said all of that to say, I really don’t think a person that has been traumatized every stops second guessing themselves and their intentions. It has become part of our norm. However, it does not have to remain our only norm. We can limit our hesitations by learning one simple rule.
It’s only a mistake, if you don’t learn from it.
I had to learn there is not such thing as a mistake; it’s a mishap. There is NO failure. There’s opportunities. You either complete the task or learn what does not work and start again with a different perception. That simple philosophy has changed my entire life, professionally and personally. I don’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I just has to be MY best. PERIODT! If I am giving everything I have and it’s not enough, that is the problem of the recipient not mine. If I am being authentic in what I say and do and they don’t believe it, that’s their problem. If my good isn’t good enough, they are free to find someone they believe can do it better. When I tell you this statement set me free – it would be an understatement. I no longer question whether it’s enough for them, I make sure it’s enough for me. That I am being true to myself and giving the best that I have to offer. Giving my best has allowed me to learn to trust myself again and push myself into the best version of myself. Unapologetic and authentic. Intentional and determined. Bold and courageous. I finally started giving myself what I was wanting from others. Acceptance!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Nov 11, 2020 | Empowerment, Focus, purpose, Relationships
Last week we turned back our clocks and although we gained an hour, with all the uncertainties of 2020 it got lost in the shuffle. I don’t know about you, but I have not seen the benefit in gaining that hour. In fact. I feel like I lost several months. OH WAIT! That may have something to do with the Pandemic!
We could sit and think of all the things we’ve lost or missed out on this year. Like is it just me or did it seem like summer didn’t happen? Anyway, we could sit and pout or complain but it will not bring back time. So, what do we do? We put time into what we have before us. We focus on the NOW. We do things that make us happy. We live in the moment. We don’t look at was and we don’t look too far ahead. We enjoy our loved ones and celebrate where we are. It may seem as if time stood still but, TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE!
Sometimes when interacting with clients, I’m reminded of how life seems to drag while your mind goes a million miles a minute. I remember while navigating through my own turbulence, I felt as if I couldn’t make sense of what was going on. I found myself confused, uneasy and extremely disorganized. Does that sound familiar? Is that 
where you are? Can you relate?
It wasn’t until I stopped focusing on what was and fearing what was to come, that i was I able to slow my brain down long enough to embrace where I was. I had to admit the space I was in, was not pretty but it wasn’t as scary as I had allowed myself to believe.
Most of these bricks are geared to women who are triumphing out of an abusive or toxic relationship. This does not altogether mean a romantic relationship. It can be friends, family, work, community – it can even be the relationship you have with yourself. YES, you can be the toxic contributor and need to figure out how to stop. When we are in turbulence life seems uncertain. Each move we make while in a state of turbulence tends to cause more dysfunction. We must be intentional and deliberate with our actions.
But remember time waits for NO ONE! So how do you slow things down? How do you get off the turbo ride? How do you identify the toxicity in your life? How do you get to that place where you can live in the moment? Sounds simple and difficult at the same time but basically YOU STOP! You take a deep breath and stop! You assess your surroundings, give yourself a moment to exhale and decide what you want to do next. You are not required to make any rash decisions. But you are required to decide what your NEXT will look like.
What do you want? What would you like your life to look like? What is standing the way? Who is standing in the way? If we are honest, most of the time WE are the only one standing in the way. We allow fear and uncertainty to keep us from going after the things we truly desire and then we battle the thoughts of regret. It’s time to stop allowing time to control you and begin to enjoy the time you have.
What do you need to focus on this week that will allow you to live in the moment? What have you been putting off because you don’t have a plan? What are you afraid of? The answers to these questions, will give you the blueprint you need to not only gain an hour but regain your life.
I can’t wait to see what you decide is holding back and how you will stop, breath, exhale and move forward. Leave a comment below so I can celebrate your new discovery.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jan 31, 2020 | Encouragement, Growth, purpose, Relationships
It happened just like that… sitting here minding my own business and he jumps in my inbox! This fine specimen of a man. Fine is a bit of an understatement. He is gorgeous! Carmel brown, nice trimmed beard, balled head, full lips, beautiful smile, 6 feet tall, muscular body, Master’s degree, management, loves to travel, looking a woman to spoil…. Yes baby, here I AM! And then the ball drops! He has a 5-year-old daughter that lives with him! I know! I feel the exact same way….. pure disappointment!!
Why is God playing with my emotions? And no, I’m not sharing his profile with any of y’all! If I can’t date him y’all ain’t either! Cause then I will have to come hang out at your house just to see him! LOL
Boundaries are never easy! But one of mine as I entertain the idea of dating with purpose, is not dating anyone with young kids. Having spent the last 31 years of my life responsible for the daily needs of someone, I have decided I need a break from any type of “child rearing”. I’ve also determined my butt is spoiled. I have NEVER thought about my need to be loved, appreciated, cherished or made a priority as spoiled. But it IS! First step is admittance! I also never thought those things were at the top of my list of needs, but they are! I NEED those things and I want them from a man that can give them to me without restriction. So, I had to be honest with myself – my needs are probably not going to be met by a man with a young child especially one that he has full custody of. So, the boundary was set! But whew baby! Let me go look at that picture one more time…
Do you have areas in your life that you NEED to set some boundaries around? Here are some signs you lack boundaries.
- You find yourself making too many grand sacrifices for others at your own expense
- You feel guilty when others aren’t happy (as if it’s you’re responsible for their happiness)
- You say “yes” when you want to say “no”
- You feel guilty for dedicating time to yourself
- You feel others take you and/or your time for granted
- You are out of touch with your needs
- You are concerned about what other people think of you
- You attract people that are emotionally unavailable, controlling or domineering
I see you nodding your head! You are NOT alone. Most women do not have good boundaries! We have been conditioned to cater to the needs of others. From day one we were taught to care for someone else before we cared for ourselves. Think about when you were introduced to a baby doll. You were told, “here is your baby. Make sure you take care of her”.
Well now it’s time to take care of you. What do you need? What do you desire? What do you deserve? If you are having problems setting boundaries, please reach out I would be glad to work with you.
Now let me look at this picture one more time and delete this profile. No need to have a temptation staring in my face!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Aug 8, 2019 | Encouragement, Fear, Relationships
As a coach, I am a stickler about facing your fears. I, also, insist that once you identify an area in your life that causes you to pause; take that pause and access what’s interrupting your seemingly “perfect” life.
WELL – I’m not exempt from that and I will be the first to admit the last three years have been filled with moments that not only caused me to pause but come to a complete STOP and re-evaluate life!!
But because I feel every situation is a learning opportunity – I decided to share my latest adventure.
After taking a much needed emotional sabbatical and adjusting to “single life”, with the encouragement from a friend, I created an online dating profile. The idea of going online to find a companion made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Not because I think there’s something wrong with online dating but as a person that has NEVER officially dated (remember I married my high school sweetheart) and was involved in a very toxic and unhealthy relationship for all of my adult life; I didn’t know what to look for, so how in the world would I make a good decision about who to choose on a dating site. Well, I proved myself correct. The first few choices were HORRIBLE! In fact, many of the men on the site were looking for a one night stand or friends with benefits. Well…… that did not set good with me. It caused me to ‘clutch my pearls’! Thankfully I was able to see through the load of bull they were throwing and duck!
When I came across a profile of a married pastor “looking for someone to allow him to explore the other side of his temptation”, yes, that’s exactly what the profile read! I knew I was way over my head and this was not for me. But with more encouragement, it was suggested I choose another app and not throw in the towel so quickly. PAUSE!
As mentioned earlier, I knew I had to face this “pause” because it was causing an interruption in my life. It wasn’t that I wanted to be married again but I did feel something was missing in my life. Companionship had always been a part of my life and I just knew that was what I needed. And more importantly, I had several clients asking me how to re-enter the dating scene after a toxic relationship and I had NO answers! So into the “fire” I dove!
The next dating app was a bit better. It showed great possibility. Although this blog is NOT a review of the apps but more of my experience, drop me a message below if you would like to know my review of the three apps I used.
Admittedly, I met several really nice men, but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself. Thankfully I did a lot of self-discovery prior to going on the dating site but there was still so much more to uncover. I will share more of the self-discovery in another blog. But I highly recommend you doing some self-discover and self-dating prior to exposing yourself to the harshness of online dating.
Diving in, I had all these ideas of what I would and would not accept, what I was looking for, and how I wanted to be treated. I had a long list of non-negotiates. I was swiping left like I already had a man! Then I realized “hold on, Chic! You are being a bit judgmental and bougie. Who do you think you are? What gives you the right to judge these men?” But as soon as those thoughts occurred is as soon as the answers followed. ME!! I give myself the right to judge what I want and don’t want. What’s acceptable and what’s not! I don’t have to settle for something that doesn’t set right with me. I don’t have to accept being mishandled and pass it off as a misunderstanding! I am NOT desperate! I’m actually enjoying being single and getting to know myself. I lived most of my life settling and catering to the needs of others. I don’t have to do that any more. My singleness is a choice not a punishment. That little dialogue alone changed my entire interaction with my “dating experience”.
I would encourage you to ask yourself “Why am I exploring the world of dating? What am I looking for? Am I looking for validation? Am I looking for acceptance? Am I trying to overcome a failed relationship? Am I lonely? Do I feel incomplete? What’s really going on?” You cannot enter this field indecisive! You cannot tip toe around thinking the answer will come. You have to know and you have to be sure of what you know. You must go into this knowing what you want or you will find yourself caught up in what others want to give you! Take yourself off the clearance rack. You are high quality merchandise!
Between all three online dating sites, I only invested 6 weeks to this experience and although this is NOT enough time to get boo’d up and walk down the aisle, I knew that was NOT my objective. Honestly I don’t know if any amount of time would have me walking down the aisle right now. But I do know that it helped me reconnect with myself, take pride in who I am, trust my judgment, and speak up for myself. It helped me set some boundaries and re-evaluate some that have already been set. This experience helped me identify what I like and what I don’t. It helped me see my value through my own eyes an not the eyes of others. It also showed me areas I need to continue to work on. I can still be a little judgmental. I can still be a little bougie. I can still be a little self-righteous. I can be a little petty. I can be a little reserved and over analyze things. But I also know I’m a really good person with a lot of love to share with the right person.
So as I explore the relationships that I did build while doing this experience and work on those areas that present a pause in my life, I have new found information for my clients. The first of which would be do not rush it. Don’t second guess yourself. Don’t do anything you aren’t 100% comfortable with doing. If you don’t heal who you are you will only attract the things that you ran from in the first place. Because whether we want to admit it or not we attract who we we are NOT what we want!
Until Next Time,
