by Coach Tina | Sep 8, 2018 | Encouragement, Growth, Highlights
OUTSPOKEN ∙ CONFIDENT ∙ HONEST ∙ DIRECT ∙ BOLD ∙ CANDID ∙ STRAIGHT-FORWARD
Words we would use to describe a strong and confident woman who knows who she is and what she wants. These are also the words used to describe a woman who is guarded and unwilling to let too many people get close because she refuses to be hurt again!
Meet Trina
When we meet Trina, her personality filled the room. She came across as a woman completely in control of who she was and able to accomplish whatever she desired. Her demeanor was one of confidence yet very guarded. A single mom demanding respect for her accomplishments and those of her kids, she expected nothing but the best.
For a person who demands respect and enjoys control, an impromptu coaching session was not on her list of things to do that day and it showed in her demeanor. The first words to come out of her mouth were “I’m good. I don’t know why I was ‘forced’ into this conversation.” Here’s the video about our first encounter.
With her wall of protection securely in place we dove in and soon the gate opened, and I was allowed to walk in. Hurt and pain had built a secure wall of protection not only around Trina’s heart but around her mind as well. Independence and self-motivation had become her way of life.
After a conversation, she purchased “What You’re Hiding is Hindering Your Blessing”. Her assignment, read the book and call me. She soon began participating in the SisterTalk face-to-face group and committed to a follow-up session. We worked on setting boundaries and self-care.
Today, Trina’s entire outlook on life has changed. She has literally torn down the wall of protection, which she admits was a wall of isolation, and is now, in her words “living her best life”. She learned to stop allowing fear to keep her from pursuing the life she desired. A resent solo vacation helped her to see how strong she really is and how spending time with herself pushed her out of her comfort zone into a place of risk and reward.
Trina recently completely renovated a floor in her home, having never used any power tools in her life. She is currently serving as a co-facilitator for Girl’s SpeakOut-Raleigh, and will be featured at the 4th Annual HELP Conference, stepping completely out of her comfort zone!! Her confidence in herself and her abilities has sky-rocketed. Here’s her words:
“my experience with your coaching has helped me to fine tune the things about me where I had doubts. I’ve always been outspoken but now what “seemed like” confidence and surety – IS. I am no longer faking it until I make it, I am all those things I aspired to be. I have a little more empathy and compassion because I understand better that bad or unfortunate things are not exclusive to me and that my being on the other side of some of those things can be the push that someone else needed. I don’t feel as guarded but I do know how now to set boundaries and apply them. I am fearless and learning what things serve me for the bigger and better purpose versus the things that keep me stagnant and stuck in what’s familiar even when it’s not healthy. Learning that my own validation is sufficient has been an eye opener. Realizing that I’ve already failed if I never try, I step out of my comfort zone and do things that help me grow as person.”
She tore her wall down! And began to live!
by Coach Tina | Sep 4, 2018 | Gratitude, Growth
Those that have been following me for a while know my favorite season is FALL! It’s something about sitting in the crisp air, watching the leaves change colors and drinking warm apple cider. It just makes me happy and everyone wants to be happy right?
Well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately (which is always dangerous). The type of thinking where you ask yourself crazy questions like:
Why did you allow that to happen?
Why didn’t you stop it from happening?
What if you really weren’t enough and that’s why it happened?
What if you made the wrong decision?
What if you walked away to soon?
What if things could have gotten better?
Like where in the heck did these thoughts come from? It happened because it would have NEVER changed. I would have NEVER stopped it. It WASN’T my job to stop it. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with me. I AM good enough … the Bible tells me so! NO seriously that’s why I’m good enough! The wrong decision? According to who? Things would have NEVER gotten better, and I SHOULD have stopped sooner!! (That’s how I must talk to my inner voice to quiet her down – you should try it)
But those questions were keeping me up at night and causing me to want to binge. I had to address them and address them now!
Why was I feeling these things? Why was I basking in this pain? Like WHY!!
I was forced to be honest with myself. I was feeling empty. I was feeling lonely. I was feeling unhappy.
But something about knowing Fall is around the corner helped me. Pushed me. Motivated me. Replenished me.
Would I still be a single, divorced woman? Yep! But that does NOT define me. I am a single, divorced woman that is living the life she has created for herself and enjoying the freedom of not having to carry the burdens of someone else. I am a woman able to decide what makes her happy without worrying if it will make someone else uncomfortable. I am a woman unwilling to downplay who she is because it causes someone else to question who they are. I am a woman strong, bold and beautiful. I don’t know if you caught that or not but the adjectives I used to describe myself changed. Why? Because that’s not what defines me – it’s what happened. It was my Fall. Crisp air, changing leaves and warm apple cider!
Fall is a reminder to me that change is good and can be beautiful. It reminds me that to grow something must die. It reminds me that at the end of everything is the beginning of something else. It reminds me that life is all about what you make it.
So, as I sit here on this hot summer day, drinking a glass of ice cold water because it’s still very hot here, I smile with anticipation that just like the seasons change, so does life. I put this big expectation on myself that I should be over the pain by now. That it shouldn’t bother me. That it shouldn’t still hurt. But then I stop because I would NEVER put those same expectations on a client. So why do I put them on myself. I am human! Just like the seasons change so will my feelings and it’s okay!!
Until Next Time,
Purchase your tickets for HELP Conference 2018 here
by Coach Tina | Aug 29, 2018 | Focus, Growth, Highlights, purpose
Meet Alicia!
Alicia came to BuildHER Life Coaching after signing up to be a vendor at the 2017 HELP Conference. Because of health issues, she was unable to attend but stayed connected to Tina via social media. She quietly followed for a few months before making post comments and engaging in the monthly bible challenges. She began to see a change in her overall perspective but wanted more. When the Declutter and Live Challenge opened, Alicia knew she wanted to be a part and signed up immediately. According to her, “the challenged changed her life”.
Alicia was one of many that was good at setting goals even making small steps to accomplish them but would easily become distracted by outside stressors or health issues and get off track. Determined “to complete something” and “make this time different”, Alicia dug in deep, focused on doing the work, completed each group challenge and followed the instructions provided in the coaching sessions.
Her first physical connection was attending the SisterTalk Group. Although she had seen a dramatic change in her life by interacting with the group on social media, she wanted more. The group helped Alicia to see she was not alone in this fight to change her life and the importance of connecting with other women.
Eager for more, Alicia purchased Tina’s book “What You’re Hiding is Hindering Your Blessing” and well here are her words: I hadn’t even finished reading the 3rd chapter and I knew I had to make a change and it was up to me to do it! OMG! Thank you for allowing God to use you. There is indeed an anointing on your life. I had a spiritual and emotional break thru this morning, and I am convinced it happened because I was willing to get some of the clutter out of my life. I know now that I’m not created to be the Energizer Bunny–may sound silly. However, for about 15 years I have tried to do so much and was in direct disobedience to God by not resting and taking care of myself. I would go and go and go for others, and then watch as those same people criticized me for not doing enough or doing things their way. Now, I will not be the Energizer Bunny any more. I will be my energetic, servant-hearted self, but no longer at the expense of my own health and relationships. God is working on me ~Hallelujah!
After working several years in day care services, Alicia is now serving as the NEW Day Care Director at WeeCare Child Care in Fuquay-Varina!! She enjoys going to the beach with her friends, and growing her Thirty-One Business. But more than anything she’s excited to have gotten her health back track by putting herself first. She tore down her wall and is now building her masterpiece.
HELP Conference 2018 – October 13th Get tickets here
by Coach Tina | May 17, 2018 | Encouragement, Fear, Growth
The journey to recovery (whatever that recovery is in your life) can feel like an emotional roller coaster. One day you’re up, the next day you’re down. And at any moment, memories can lead you down a path of regret, fear and disbelief or send you dancing in the rain as you remember how free you feel from all the despair and pain.
One of the major battles can be trying to decide what you are feeling! Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you mad? Maybe it’s excitement. Nah, that must be fear! For me the mere freedom to “feel” anything was overwhelming. I had lived in denial for so long, I didn’t know how to step away from it.
Determined to get off the roller coaster of emotions, I began reading self-help books and talking to my therapist. I even called some of my coaching friends for advice. I had the saints to pray. I went on a spiritual fast. I was tired of the roller coaster and I wanted OFF!
Sadly, regardless of which source I decided to listen to (because you know we always listen to the one that tell us what we want to hear), the instructions were the same. Face your fears and deal with the “stuff”. Stop running from the inevitable. “Eat the cake Anna Mae”! I had to climb the hill. I had to go up the mountain. 
They weren’t telling me anything different from what I told my own clients. Heck, they weren’t telling me anything I hadn’t told myself (remember I talk to myself on a regular). I just didn’t want to deal with it. I wanted to pack it away and hope it would eventually go away. It seems the more “stuff” I dealt with the more “stuff” showed up. The memories I had suppressed were scary and filled with pain and heartache. I didn’t want to deal with that mess. I just wanted to act like it never happened!!! And here it was starring me in my face – like it paid my bills. Actually, it did because I couldn’t move forward until I dealt with all this crap!!!
When I finally stopped procrastinating and avoiding my truth, I realized I was the one hindering my own progress. It wasn’t what other people had done to me. It was my need to hide the pain and fear. It was my need to be in control of the situation. It was fear that was robbing me from my happiness!!
I had allowed fear and denial to keep me from experiencing joy and happiness. From living a life of hope and joy. Dang!! I had to stop blaming everyone else and square up with the person in the mirror. I did it! Yep, all me! Nobody else! I was the one holding myself back.
Well I dug in head first and slowly replaced the insecurities with confidence. I started dancing in the rain. I started to enjoy life. I laughed more. I took risk because I refuse to allow fear to lead me around in shackles. Do I still find myself on the roller coaster? YEP!! Sure, I do but I’ve learn to appreciate the ride. I realize when the ride seems scary, it’s me refusing to go to the next level. Yet every level I tackle increases my confidence and trust in myself and the decisions I make. My self-worth is no longer contingent on what others think of me. It’s based on what I believe about myself. Is it hard? YES!! I will never lie to you. There are days I just want to be by myself and cry and that’s what I do. Then there are days I really need to be around my friends and love on each other and we do that very well (sometimes too well-see about last night).
I’ve learned not to allow the roller coaster ride to scare me. In all honesty, it was the scariest rides that I can attest to saving my life. Taking the climb allowed me to look at the world from a different view. It wasn’t always pretty but the view from the top was breath-taking and freeing. Well just like with any roller coaster ride you can’t stay at the top for long but that ride down. Babeeee it allowed me to lift my hands above my head, scream at the top of my lungs as the wind blew through my hair and rejoice because once again I made it through the ride of my life.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | May 11, 2018 | Encouragement, Gratitude, Growth
Mothers make sacrifices that often go unnoticed and unappreciated. They sacrifice their body, their mind, their emotions, their entire life to nurture another human. And most mothers would do it all over again without regret.
As we prepare for the Mother’s Day weekend, I am reminded of how my little ones would gather in my bed with their Mother’s Day gifts. Maybe it was a homemade tea bag card that read “You’re tea-riffic” or a little clay statue that I couldn’t quite make out until I got the nerve to just ask what it was, or the flower they picked off the bush in the front yard because they left their gift at school on Friday. Whatever it was, it was appreciated because it came from my kids. Oh, the days!!!
As they grew older they began to understand the concept of Mother’s Day and would take over my kitchen and prepare dinner giving me a day off – thank God for their father’s willingness to participant and provide guidance.
Now that my kids are young adults, they call me from their own homes and it’s a little later in the morning. They actually put some thought into the cards they purchase from the store and attach them to gifts off my wish list instead of just randomly buying stuff I’ll never use. They ask if I’d like them to cook or go out to dinner. They understand that I have wants and try to accommodate them. The benefits of having grown thoughtful kids!!!
But this year the shift of having a house full of kids to becoming an empty nester has been quite a challenge. I find myself longing for the days of them gathering in my bed or the little cheesy cards. I’m not so much missing the disfigured clay structure or the withered flowers, but to be able to lay in the bed as someone else took over the responsibilities for the day seems very enjoyable. I imagine sipping on a cup tea while watching the sun rise out of the ocean as my kids sleep in a room nearby. Now that would be real nice. Note to self: Make reservations to spend Mother’s Day at the beach next year!!
When the kids are younger we tend to take it all for granted. Time goes fast and before we know it they have a life of their own, making their own memories. However, if you’ve done the job right, the sacrifices you’ve made will be rewarded not by what they do for you on Mother’s Day but what they do through the year. It took me a long time to see that when my kids prosper, it is a direct indication that I’ve raised them correctly. I mean when they have money they can buy better gifts, right!!
So, to all the mothers out there feeling some kinda way about Mother’s Day and your grown children, take a moment and ask yourself what do you need? What can you do for yourself to make you feel appreciated? What can you do to show appreciation for the sacrifices you’ve made? And then do it!! I’ve already decided GIVE ME A SUNRISE!!!
You do not need permission to treat yourself kind. Have a glass of wine or a cup of tea and enjoy. Knowing you are an awesome MOTHER and amazing WOMAN! You don’t need a holiday to prove it.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | May 3, 2018 | Encouragement, Growth
I took a mental health day! I sat in my chair sipped on coffee until I didn’t want any more. Then I poured myself a big glass of water, opened my blinds and stared out the window. My mind was completely blank. There were no real thoughts at all. Then I thought about all the things on my to do list and smiled realizing I was NOT going to tackle any of them today. I had other plans and things to that must be dealt with once and for all!! I was taking a mental health day!
Let’s back up and see why it was so important for me to take a moment and regroup
I found myself sitting at my desk and out of the blue tears started rolling down my face. It freaked me out like what was going on? Why am I crying? Why am I emotional? I really couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I was just being motivational and encouraging and here I sit crying. Why?
I started thinking about all the things that had went wrong in my life and what I could have done to prevent them. I found myself contemplating going back to the things that I asked God to deliver me from. I don’t mean just thinking about it, I picked up the phone to make the call. Thankfully the tears started falling and distracted me. I had temporarily lost my mind. I fought through hell to break that soul-tie why would I even entertain re-entering that dysfunction?
I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes, so I could go to the bathroom and pull myself together. I stood in front of the mirror and gave myself a pep talk ‘Pull it together! You are stronger than this! This is totally unacceptable! There is nothing wrong with you! Stand up straight and walk like the queen you are! YES!! I talk to myself like that – try it before you place judgement!
I returned to my desk ready to tackle the rest of the day and just like that, the tears started rolling down my face again. I realized I was slipping into a mild depression! So, I did what I tell my clients – reach out! Don’t allow yourself to slip into a place you fought to get out of.
I called a member of my support team and after a brief conversation and prayer, I felt better and was able to finish the day. But I knew upon leaving, I would not be returning to work the next day. I needed to get my head together and figure out what this was all about.
I thought I had dealt with all the feeling associated with the abuse, the separation and ultimately the divorce. I had forgiven him and had forgiven myself. I had moved on. I had the therapy bills to show it!
I, then, had to be honest with myself -I had dealt with it, I had forgiven but I was still grieving. I was entering the final stages, but I was grieving. I started doing some research on grieving and found very little about grieving someone that is still alive.
I read how it could take up to a year for every 10 years you are with a person – what that’s three years! Then they say add additional time if the relationship was toxic or abusive. Man, ain’t no body got time for that!! I’m ready for this to be over and done with!
Then I read this quote – You only struggle because you are ready to grow but aren’t willing to let go. Drew Gerald
Well, dang!!!! I have to deal with these feelings if I wanted to move on. I have to step up to the plate. I have to cope with what I was really feeling. I had to deal or stay stuck. So it went like this – I am angry. I am hurt. I am embarrassed. I am full of ashamed and guilt. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I was ABUSED!!! But wait – I knew all of that! I had already acknowledged that. BUT I hadn’t let it go!!!
I hadn’t let it go! I was still holding on to so much anger and pain! Although I had healed a lot; there was a part of me that was a lot I was still holding on to. I was so mad! Like when would this stop! When would this end! So I set deal with it once and for all. I wanted answers. I want to know why. I was pissed. Maybe the research was right – it does take time to get over all the pain.
So, on my mental health day. I sat and allowed myself to accept where I was in the process. I gave myself the space to cry and to grieve and to be angry. I gave myself permission to be okay with not being okay. And the funniest thing happened – NO TEARS!! Like, where were the freaking tears! I sat aside a whole day to allow the tears to fall and nothing, absolutely nothing happened!
That’s when I realized by facing my fears and given room for me to feel what I so desperately wanted to avoid, I took control over them. I won the battle. Now do I believe it’s completely over? NO!! But I will give way to the feelings as they come. I will stop being so hard on myself thinking something is wrong with me and that it’s wrong for me to express my feelings.
My mental health day was a good day and it didn’t involve a glass of wine at least not yet – it gave me an opportunity to check my mental health and see that all is well after all.
Until Next Time,
