This is an introduction to my new course, Establishing HER! See the outline here!
Yesterday, I began paint a picture of where the people pleasing and self-sabotaging behaviors ignited during my adulthood. Truthfully those behaviors began earlier in my childhood but again that’s not what this series is about!!
I ended yesterday’s series having just began another job where I was enjoying the changes that were occurring in me. I can’t say I was feeling confident or prideful, but I was on the way. It was during this time I wrote my first book. Even that was a surprise because it wasn’t supposed to be a book. It was bunch of thoughts I had written, and a friend read it and suggested I publish it. I shared it with another author and his critique caused me to delay the release of the book by 2 years. He told me it appeared I was bashing my then husband and that was not how “Christians” handled their problems.
It was also during this time, I attended a Forgiveness class and decided to allow my then husband to return to our home and work on our issues. Because I wanted to be a GOOD Christian! This return and my desire to “do the right thing” resulted in me resigning from yet another job. It posed too many issues in my marriage and my marriage was my duty! Being the bread winner, gave my then husband pride! It helped his self-esteem and self-worth. So, when he quit his nearly 6-figure income job, I couldn’t understand but quickly went and got a job to hold us over until he was able to secure employment. I hated this job!!! I was working as a cashier at a local craft store for $8 an hour. I created and sold crafts to supplement the income.
It would have appeared that I would have realized my potential at that point. Here I was taking care of the household, putting a child through college on $8 hour and a makeshift craft business!
After finances were re-established, I took a course that changed everything! I became certified as a life coach. I had no idea what I was going to do with the certification. I had no idea at all! I began doing workshops and vision board parties. I began promoting my book. I began taking pride in myself again. By this time all my kids were either grown or in college except one. I had a little freedom to try and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. The abuse was very subtle at this point and I continued to turn my back on the infidelity.
I gave a workshop for a local women’s ministry on abuse that changed my life forever!!! For the first time in my life, I was able to see clearly….
This was part of a 4-day email series I ran to introduce my new self-guided course. The course outline can be seen here.
The life I’m living now is NOT the life I thought I would be living! But has turned out to be the best life EVER!
Until approximately 5 years ago, my only desire in life was to be a mom and wife. NOTHING more! You see, I grew up in the age where a girl got married, had kids, possibly got job and lived! And for most my life that’s what I did and it was enough. It actually was more than enough! It was my duty! It was my “calling”! I was good! But then…..
Let’s take a trip together. Although I had my first child in high school, I was determined to get some college in! I would be the first in my family to go to college and well, everyone was happy and proud. So surely that was what I was supposed to do. Rebellion and my desire to maintain the relationship with the father of my child resulted in me packing my belongs and moving into an apartment with him. You can read all about those shenanigans in my book, “What You’re Hiding is Hindering Your Blessings”. Because that’s not what this series is about.
I remember my first “real job” was with a local municipality. It was a real good job. Great benefits, excellent pay and opportunity for growth. But it posed a problem between me and the father of my two kids. I was making more than him and that was NOT allowed (wish someone had told me it WAS allowed!) When my then supervisor left, I was told to train the person that would become my new BOSS! Instead of fighting for the position for myself, I did as I was told because I didn’t want to offend anyone. I went complaining to my then husband and at his prompting, resigned from that job and began helping him manage a restaurant. That job turned into “owning” our own restaurant and catering business. Needless to say, that was a lot of work! And by this time, I had five kids! A husband in ministry and was co-lead in a very vibrant and active youth ministry.
In spite of all of this, finances began to take a turn and additional funds were needed in the house. So being the good wife, I got a job. This job required me to be away from the home and took a lot of my attention away from my family. Although I enjoyed my job and felt the return of the confidence and pride I experienced during the job with the municipality, it exposed a lot of abusive behaviors in our marriage and family. Determined to fight for my marriage, I resigned from that job hoping it would save a very damaged relationship.
My self-esteem dragged the floor during these years. There was much toxicity, abuse and infidelity in my marriage, but I was determined and willing to do anything to save my marriage! Even turn my back as if it wasn’t happening.
Several years of this behavior resulted in a temporary separation requiring me to return to workforce. But this time was different. During the separation something happened! I started hanging out with women that motivated me and encouraged me. They spoke highly of me and prompted me to take on bigger assignments. I began to establish a name for myself in my work position. The verbal put-downs and negativity that I had become accustomed to daily had stopped! And something was happening on the inside of me!!! Could this be the return of my confidence and self-worth?
I wish I could say that was the turning point, but it WASN’T – tune in tomorrow as I tell you what happened next!
What did I just do? Did I just say NO to what some would call “a chance of a lifetime”? Could I have just turned down my “golden ticket”? Maybe but I don’t think so! At least I hope NOT!
I was approached with a great opportunity! It could have easily been “THE ONE”! The one that changed my whole life! Yet, I turned it down! Who does that??!!
At first, I thought it was fear talking, even had someone tell me that! But then I realized, it just wasn’t what I wanted to do! It did not excite me like I thought it would. I could have easily made it “look” like it aligned with my aspirations, but I had to be honest with myself – it didn’t! And it would have pulled me into a totally different direction than what I wanted to do. (Yes, I’m using my post to justify my decision – you should try it sometimes)
But there is purpose in my rambling!
Have you ever had an opportunity drop onto your lap and although everyone around you was excited about it; You knew it could change the game; You knew this could open great opportunities for you, for some reason something inside of you just didn’t engage? It just seemed OFF!?!? It didn’t quite feel like “THE ONE”!
If not careful, FEAR can set in! Not just fear of the what’s ahead but fear of making the wrong decision. This is where it’s so important to know yourself! To trust yourself! To not allow others to push you into something you don’t want to do. This is your life! Your decisions are based on what’s best for you and no one else! Let’s be real, you will have some people whispering in your ear – not because they think it’s best for you, but because they are looking at how they can capitalize off your decision. Be careful!
Making life changing decisions can be scary! Sometimes, you just don’t know what to do! If you turn left – things could change forever! If you turn right – things could change FOREVER!
Did you know every opportunity is NOT a God-given opportunity? Did you know everything that looks good is NOT good? If the situation makes you question who you are, take another look!
Why are you doing it? Are you doing it for attention, acceptance, validation? Are you looking the approval of someone else? Are you hoping it will prove your “worthiness”? Are you doing it because you need to be in control or seen? Are you doing it because someone said, “this is perfect for you”?
Are you avoiding it because you are afraid? Are you questioning your ability? Are you saying NO because it pushes you out of your comfort zone? Are you allowing limited beliefs to keep you from what you are destined to do?
Tell the TRUTH!!!
Take a moment and think for yourself! What do you want to do? What will make you smile in the morning? What will push you closer to the person you desire to be? What makes your soul smile?
That’s the decision you want to make! Those are the opportunities in life you look for! Not what everyone else says you should do! (OH, how I hate the word SHOULD!)
Get quiet with yourself and ask God for direction, HE will give it to you! Here’s a nugget for you: If you don’t know who you are and what YOU want in this life, you will be pushed into situations that are NOT for you, by people looking for what’s best for them!
So, my decision to decline the golden opportunity, the “GOLDEN TICKET” … was more an opportunity to stay true to the person I want to be instead of the person the world says I should be!
Everyone wants to be HAPPY! But what does that really mean? For the longest time, I thought if everyone around me was happy, I would be happy! Girl, that turned out to be the biggest lie of my life – well at least one of them!
Truth is just because you are happy, does NOT guarantee I will be happy. Ad just because I’m happy does NOT guarantee your happiness. We are each totally responsible for our own happiness.
When we look for someone else to make us happy, it allows them and opportunity to make us UNHAPPY! Well my happiness is NON-NEGOTIABLE!!! I hope yours is as well. But what can you do to assist with your own happiness? Let’s look at some things I did to turn my frown into a smile!
1. Let Go of PERFECTION– What the heck is perfection, anyway? We will never be perfect in an imperfect world! There will always be someone we “think” is better than us or have more than we have. This society is in a constant state of comparison. But comparison is the thief of joy! Every time we compare ourselves to someone else we rob ourselves of a chance to be the best version of ourselves! No one is perfect! That girl you think has the perfect body is starving herself to live up to that expectation. That marriage you think is #relationshipgoals, well they fight every night and sleep in separate beds. That 7-fgure CEO cries herself to sleep at night because she wants a family but have devoted her entire life to work. Let go of what you think is perfect! There is NO perfection!
2. Learn to Say NO – The best sentence I ever read was “NO is a complete sentence”! When was the last time you said no and didn’t bother giving an explanation? I bet you haven’t! I bet before you said it, you played the scenario of how things would unfold and talked yourself out of it! You were so worried about what people would say! How they would respond! Whether they would like you or not! Whether they would get mad. But at what cost? Every time you say YES to someone you are saying NO to yourself which means when you say NO to something you don’t want to do, you are saying YES to yourself!
3. Be Intentional – Although very similar to number 2 but it bears repeating. Many times, we are unhappy because we are NOT doing the things we love. Doing what we love tends to promote happy vibes! I had to learn I don’t like small talk! When I’m around people talking about “the weather” it makes me sad. But give me a philosophical topic and I light up like a Christmas tree. Once I made that determination, it was clear hosting events centered around meet and greets were NOT for me. So, I stopped doing them!
4. Hang Around Positive People– This was hard for me to identify! Can you imagine? It took me a minute to realize when I engaged negative people I picked up on their energy and carried it around with me. (Pitfall of being an empath) I also believe it was hard to recognize because I was a people pleaser and wanted to make others happy. When I stopped allowing people to dump all their negative energy on me, my mood changed!
5. Just BE!– Be present! Be in the now – yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not promised. You CANNOT live your life on what was nor on what might happen! When we constantly think about the future or the past, we rob ourselves of the NOW! Our happiness is in the NOW! If we base happiness on “when” something happens, we will develop a habit of trying to be happy instead of “being” happy. There is NO way to try to do something either do it or don’t!
We cannot guarantee everyday will be a “happy” day, but we can guarantee and promise to make the best out of it! We can set an intention to find something to be happy about. We can stay true to our NO and cherish our YES. We can make sure the things we do are with positive people and are doing things we enjoy. We can also stay present and not get distracted by things out of our control. So, the next time you find yourself struggling to be happy, ask yourself “Am I negotiating my happiness? And what is it costing me?”
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I started this blog so many times and deleted it because y’all have this grand expectation of me to do the spectacular, never bend and definitely never break. Or at least that’s what I think. But let me tell you this has been a year of bending, demolishing and rebuilding over and over again. A couple weeks ago I received a message from a young lady saying how something I’d said encouraged her to remove her mask and I knew I could not stop. I could not withhold my feelings. I could not allow this moment to pass and be sweep under the rug like so many other things.
Although 2018 came in with a blast full of excitement and opportunities, the last three months were full of difficulty. My emotions were all over the place and if I had to be honest, I can’t remember NOT crying during that time.
When you’ve been given an assignment and you decide to take it on, it cost you! It cost a lot! I’ve heard people say “Wow, you bounced back good” “You are so strong” “You make it look so easy” “Girl, how did you do it?” “How do you feel about it”. I wanted to scream this SHIT ain’t easy!!! It hurts like HELL! But then I remember that’s not how a Godly, honorable woman should speak so I say it anyway!
I had to realize those people I was trying to save face for were also facing demons as well. They have hurts and struggles. But more importantly they can NOT tell me how I feel, what I should feel or when I should no longer feel it!!!
This year I had to fight two large companies to save my mother’s home because they were trying to take advantage of an elderly women slowly battling dementia. While speaking to a group about domestic violence, hurts from my own nightmare can flooding back with vengeance. And although the pain was there, I still had shameful cravings for the man that hurt me in ways you couldn’t imagine. Not because it was so good but because it was horrible! But because it was comfortable and familiar and I was afraid of walking an unfamiliar road alone. Having people reach out thinking there were coming to help me only to use me for what they thought they could get from me. Listening to “loved ones”, you know those well-meaning family and friends, ask you when you are going to start dating again, when the hold time your heart is still torn apart from the demise of your 30-year marriage and the whack job you thought was there to replace him. Having memories thrown in your face through social media of how just 2 years ago you were celebrating and rejoicing in said marriage only to wake up one morning to a social media announcement that he had remarried. And while dealing with your own hurt you have to console your child who is battling his own hurts as a result of the divorce not to mention the unhealthy behaviors of his parents towards each other. Yet you have the saints telling you “God is going to fix it! It will be okay. Pray about it, God will work it out” Again I just wanted to yell SHUT UP and add a lot of ungodly words with it!
But then I because I refuse to let people see the hurt behind
the smile, I would keep pushing, keep posting inspiration, keep encouraging and
keep coaching. But inside I was torn to pieces. To say a mess was an
understatement and while doing all of this I decided to focus on my health and
take some an appetite suppressant because all the emotions had caused me to relapse
and I was starting to binge eat again. Well those meds caused an extreme
emotional imbalance. I could be smiling one minute and crying the next. If I slept
more than 3 hours at a time it was a miracle. I couldn’t concentrate and was
extremely depressed. I even remember posting about it and one of my “saint-friends”
telling me that I was messing up my brand and distorting my faith. Could she
not see I needed help? I was struggling!!!
What happen to the jolly person that burst into 2018 full of hope and aspirations? What happen to that woman that was so confident that it really didn’t matter what her ex was doing? What happened to the woman that was so strong she decided to go NO contact while she healed (which is why I had no idea about this relationship)? What happened to the woman that had vowed to walk in her purpose and allow nothing to distract her? Where was she? What happened to her? Then it dawned on me… she never stopped to heal! She never stopped to feel! She had listened to everyone else tell her how she should feel! She stopped listening to what she wanted and what she needed. That’s when I stopped took a moment to breath, I could not continue this rollercoaster ride. If I got off before I could get off again. I pulled out my coaching resources and took myself on as a client. It was hard. I was in complete and total denial. I was broken. I was filled with hurt and desperate to be loved but I knew I had to fight this battle just me and GOD! If not I would always be looking for someone to pull me out of it.
Do I still have my moments? YES!! But nothing as drastic as
it was. The holidays begged me to get on the ride but I declined and found
other things to occupy my time. When I felt the emotions forming, I acknowledged
them but I refused to let them control me. I knew God did NOT bring me through
hell to die trying to live. If I have to take one day at a time, I’m willing to
do it!
I write this with tears rolling down my face. A woman broken by life’s circumstances and being put back together by God’s love, again! But I’m so glad he allow me to bring those pieces as many time as I need to. I, also, write this because you may be feeling some of the things mentioned in this blog and wondering “Why me?” “What’s next?” You may be frustrated from the isolation and trying to figure out what to do next.
Well the first step is to STOP! Stop denying what you’re feeling! Stop thinking something is
wrong with you for feeling what every it is. Then ask yourself what can you do
to change it and what do you need to allow God to change. Then the ultimate task
is to be okay with the answer. You are
human! You can hurt! You can be offended! You can even get mad! The thing is
you CANNOT stay there.
From one wounded soul to another, WE will get through this! It will just take a little more time.
