I started this blog so many times and deleted it because y’all have this grand expectation of me to do the spectacular, never bend and definitely never break. Or at least that’s what I think. But let me tell you this has been a year of bending, demolishing and rebuilding over and over again. A couple weeks ago I received a message from a young lady saying how something I’d said encouraged her to remove her mask and I knew I could not stop. I could not withhold my feelings. I could not allow this moment to pass and be sweep under the rug like so many other things.
Although 2018 came in with a blast full of excitement and opportunities, the last three months were full of difficulty. My emotions were all over the place and if I had to be honest, I can’t remember NOT crying during that time.
When you’ve been given an assignment and you decide to take it on, it cost you! It cost a lot! I’ve heard people say “Wow, you bounced back good” “You are so strong” “You make it look so easy” “Girl, how did you do it?” “How do you feel about it”. I wanted to scream this SHIT ain’t easy!!! It hurts like HELL! But then I remember that’s not how a Godly, honorable woman should speak so I say it anyway!
I had to realize those people I was trying to save face for were also facing demons as well. They have hurts and struggles. But more importantly they can NOT tell me how I feel, what I should feel or when I should no longer feel it!!!
This year I had to fight two large companies to save my mother’s home because they were trying to take advantage of an elderly women slowly battling dementia. While speaking to a group about domestic violence, hurts from my own nightmare can flooding back with vengeance. And although the pain was there, I still had shameful cravings for the man that hurt me in ways you couldn’t imagine. Not because it was so good but because it was horrible! But because it was comfortable and familiar and I was afraid of walking an unfamiliar road alone. Having people reach out thinking there were coming to help me only to use me for what they thought they could get from me. Listening to “loved ones”, you know those well-meaning family and friends, ask you when you are going to start dating again, when the hold time your heart is still torn apart from the demise of your 30-year marriage and the whack job you thought was there to replace him. Having memories thrown in your face through social media of how just 2 years ago you were celebrating and rejoicing in said marriage only to wake up one morning to a social media announcement that he had remarried. And while dealing with your own hurt you have to console your child who is battling his own hurts as a result of the divorce not to mention the unhealthy behaviors of his parents towards each other. Yet you have the saints telling you “God is going to fix it! It will be okay. Pray about it, God will work it out” Again I just wanted to yell SHUT UP and add a lot of ungodly words with it!
But then I because I refuse to let people see the hurt behind the smile, I would keep pushing, keep posting inspiration, keep encouraging and keep coaching. But inside I was torn to pieces. To say a mess was an understatement and while doing all of this I decided to focus on my health and take some an appetite suppressant because all the emotions had caused me to relapse and I was starting to binge eat again. Well those meds caused an extreme emotional imbalance. I could be smiling one minute and crying the next. If I slept more than 3 hours at a time it was a miracle. I couldn’t concentrate and was extremely depressed. I even remember posting about it and one of my “saint-friends” telling me that I was messing up my brand and distorting my faith. Could she not see I needed help? I was struggling!!!
What happen to the jolly person that burst into 2018 full of hope and aspirations? What happen to that woman that was so confident that it really didn’t matter what her ex was doing? What happened to the woman that was so strong she decided to go NO contact while she healed (which is why I had no idea about this relationship)? What happened to the woman that had vowed to walk in her purpose and allow nothing to distract her? Where was she? What happened to her? Then it dawned on me… she never stopped to heal! She never stopped to feel! She had listened to everyone else tell her how she should feel! She stopped listening to what she wanted and what she needed. That’s when I stopped took a moment to breath, I could not continue this rollercoaster ride. If I got off before I could get off again. I pulled out my coaching resources and took myself on as a client. It was hard. I was in complete and total denial. I was broken. I was filled with hurt and desperate to be loved but I knew I had to fight this battle just me and GOD! If not I would always be looking for someone to pull me out of it.
Do I still have my moments? YES!! But nothing as drastic as it was. The holidays begged me to get on the ride but I declined and found other things to occupy my time. When I felt the emotions forming, I acknowledged them but I refused to let them control me. I knew God did NOT bring me through hell to die trying to live. If I have to take one day at a time, I’m willing to do it!
I write this with tears rolling down my face. A woman broken by life’s circumstances and being put back together by God’s love, again! But I’m so glad he allow me to bring those pieces as many time as I need to. I, also, write this because you may be feeling some of the things mentioned in this blog and wondering “Why me?” “What’s next?” You may be frustrated from the isolation and trying to figure out what to do next.
Well the first step is to STOP! Stop denying what you’re feeling! Stop thinking something is wrong with you for feeling what every it is. Then ask yourself what can you do to change it and what do you need to allow God to change. Then the ultimate task is to be okay with the answer. You are human! You can hurt! You can be offended! You can even get mad! The thing is you CANNOT stay there.
From one wounded soul to another, WE will get through this! It will just take a little more time.
Until Next Time,
