by Coach Tina | Oct 13, 2020 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Fear, Focus, Growth
I would but… I should but… I wish I could… I was going to….
We’ve all had moments where we allowed our fears to stop us right in our tracks. Sometimes the fear is valid but most of the time it was the lack of confidence in our own abilities.
What if I fail? What would people say? How will I come back from it? It’s too hard! I don’t know what to do! What will it look like? Here we are focusing on the “YOU” instead of what is to be accomplished. Fear always points back to you!
Did you know every time you second guess yourself, you allow self-doubt to grow? Change can be scary; but it can also be empowering!
When was the last time you just JUMPED! I mean decided and went for it. If you are honest with yourself it was probably one of the BEST decisions, you ever made. OKAY, I’ll speak for myself. The times when I did not allow my analytic mind to overanalyze the outcome and just did it; not only was it successful but I gained self-confidence, self-trust and self-respect. At the end, I realized there was NOTHING to fear but fear itself! I was allowing my fear, well more the lack of belief in myself and my abilities, to keep me from doing the things I really wanted to do.
I allowed hidden insecurities to keep me away from what I had been praying for. I allowed what wasn’t even in front of me and honestly, what was behind me; to keep me from living the life I desired. The life I craved. The life I deserved!
Don’t get it twisted! I fight fear EVERY DAY! As a survivor of abuse and trauma, it’s a natural response to be extra careful. I mean we lived that life. It was a norm. We were conditioned, groomed and manipulated into living a life of fear and discontentment. We learned to settle. We learned to not rock the boat. We learned to take baby steps or none at all. Don’t move to fast and don’t move without thinking it all the way through. I could cost you!
We were taught our thoughts were invaluable and lacked the ability of fulfillment. We were constantly questioned about every decision and every thought. We began to believe the lies that were told to us. When we did think, there was so much disbelief and anxiety that it caused physical pain. For years I suffered from migraines and backpain only to realize it was stress associated with my lifestyle.
The anxiety associated with that lifestyle began to affect everything in my life; work, friendships, relationships, family, faith, health. I began having problems sleeping. My binging and food addiction took over my life. I isolated myself. I gave up. I knew I would never do anything to hurt myself; but if I didn’t wake up, that would be okay too. I hit rock bottom.
Until…
I got tired of being tired of being tired and decided a change had to occur. But how? My self-esteem was so low. I didn’t trust myself to make any decision. I had no idea what life was supposed to look like. I didn’t know what healthy was because I had never experienced it. Dysfunction was a norm and I ate it every day! How do you go from living on life support to thriving?
Here’s how...
Acknowledge were you are. Decide what you want it to look like. Your image! NOT the image you see on television, read about on social media or in some fiction book or novel. Create your own picture. It doesn’t have to be perfect…when has life ever been perfect? The idea is to make today better than yesterday and make tomorrow better than today. Give yourself permission to try. Give yourself permission to dream. Give yourself permission to live. Surround yourself with people that push you out of your comfort zone and will hold your hand when you are afraid.
Self-love is the one investment you are a guaranteed a return on. I believe in you and will continue to believe in you until you can believe in yourself.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jun 19, 2020 | Encouragement, Fear, Growth
I have always used words to paint a picture of what goes on in my head; however, difficult and controversial topics tend to cause my words to swell up in my throat and leave me gasping for air.
After years of sitting quiet, I intentionally strive to make my voice relevant and impactful while trying hard to not offend anyone. I was told my passiveness was a result of PTSD. Possibly. But I also believe it’s a result of an extensive battle of traumatic life experiences, people pleasing and just wanting to be liked. I never wanted my words to offend another or cause harm because I knew firsthand what that felt like. I thought by staying in the middle lane and unbiased, I was handling things the right way. I’m now learning that just isn’t the case. There is NO middle lane when it comes to controversial topics and some people are not going to see your viewpoint. But you MUST give it. You must choose a side. You cannot allow fear of being rejected silence your voice.
This blog has always been about women finding their voice and speaking truth in all situations and circumstances. As our country fights two Pandemics – COVID-19 and racism, I find myself a bit overwhelmed by it all. I normally withhold a lot of my viewpoints while giving those who appear to be better equipped and articulate the floor. I now realize I was just doing what I always do and staying safe out of fear of rejection.
Earlier this week in my private Facebook group I made a post, and someone commented that it offended them. So, I deleted it. OH, how I regret doing so! Not because it’s MY page. Not because she removed herself from the group even after I deleted the post but because it was an example that everyone is not going to co-sign on your beliefs and it’s okay. I had another situation this week were I gave my voice to someone that appeared to be struggling to use hers. Again, I could have lost some supporters. BUT I vowed a pledge to be a voice for the voiceless and if they walk away, they are not my people.
The old me would have sat quiet or tried to help them see my point of view. The NEW me realizes people are entitled to their own opinion and can choose who they want to connect with. I also realize that everyone is not going to like me or my thoughts and that is okay.
Why I am I saying this? Most people that will read this blog struggle with wanting to be heard and more importantly wanting to be liked. Let me clear something once and for all. EVERYONE IS NOT GOING TO LIKE YOU! and that is not your problem. Liking your self – NOW that IS your problem and your responsibility! Your voice matters. Your thoughts matter. YOU MATTER!
This week our theme was “Standing Out in The Crowd!” It always amazes me how I choose topics months in advance and by the end of the month I have a new perspective on what they actually means. They force me to grow. They force me to STAND a little taller.
This week has been no different. I’ve learned some hard truths.
- You cannot be a leader afraid to speak up.
- You cannot manifest a life you love sitting in the corner hoping it happens.
- You cannot be the voice you desire allowing fear to overrule you.
- You cannot be consumed when others don’t agree with your viewpoint.
As we close yet another week of fighting two vast and life changing Pandemics, it’s important for you to decide what side will you reside on and more be willing to stand up for what you believe. It’s time to Stand Out in the Crowd and let your voice be heard.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Aug 8, 2019 | Encouragement, Fear, Relationships
As a coach, I am a stickler about facing your fears. I, also, insist that once you identify an area in your life that causes you to pause; take that pause and access what’s interrupting your seemingly “perfect” life.
WELL – I’m not exempt from that and I will be the first to admit the last three years have been filled with moments that not only caused me to pause but come to a complete STOP and re-evaluate life!!
But because I feel every situation is a learning opportunity – I decided to share my latest adventure.
After taking a much needed emotional sabbatical and adjusting to “single life”, with the encouragement from a friend, I created an online dating profile. The idea of going online to find a companion made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Not because I think there’s something wrong with online dating but as a person that has NEVER officially dated (remember I married my high school sweetheart) and was involved in a very toxic and unhealthy relationship for all of my adult life; I didn’t know what to look for, so how in the world would I make a good decision about who to choose on a dating site. Well, I proved myself correct. The first few choices were HORRIBLE! In fact, many of the men on the site were looking for a one night stand or friends with benefits. Well…… that did not set good with me. It caused me to ‘clutch my pearls’! Thankfully I was able to see through the load of bull they were throwing and duck!
When I came across a profile of a married pastor “looking for someone to allow him to explore the other side of his temptation”, yes, that’s exactly what the profile read! I knew I was way over my head and this was not for me. But with more encouragement, it was suggested I choose another app and not throw in the towel so quickly. PAUSE!
As mentioned earlier, I knew I had to face this “pause” because it was causing an interruption in my life. It wasn’t that I wanted to be married again but I did feel something was missing in my life. Companionship had always been a part of my life and I just knew that was what I needed. And more importantly, I had several clients asking me how to re-enter the dating scene after a toxic relationship and I had NO answers! So into the “fire” I dove!
The next dating app was a bit better. It showed great possibility. Although this blog is NOT a review of the apps but more of my experience, drop me a message below if you would like to know my review of the three apps I used.
Admittedly, I met several really nice men, but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself. Thankfully I did a lot of self-discovery prior to going on the dating site but there was still so much more to uncover. I will share more of the self-discovery in another blog. But I highly recommend you doing some self-discover and self-dating prior to exposing yourself to the harshness of online dating.
Diving in, I had all these ideas of what I would and would not accept, what I was looking for, and how I wanted to be treated. I had a long list of non-negotiates. I was swiping left like I already had a man! Then I realized “hold on, Chic! You are being a bit judgmental and bougie. Who do you think you are? What gives you the right to judge these men?” But as soon as those thoughts occurred is as soon as the answers followed. ME!! I give myself the right to judge what I want and don’t want. What’s acceptable and what’s not! I don’t have to settle for something that doesn’t set right with me. I don’t have to accept being mishandled and pass it off as a misunderstanding! I am NOT desperate! I’m actually enjoying being single and getting to know myself. I lived most of my life settling and catering to the needs of others. I don’t have to do that any more. My singleness is a choice not a punishment. That little dialogue alone changed my entire interaction with my “dating experience”.
I would encourage you to ask yourself “Why am I exploring the world of dating? What am I looking for? Am I looking for validation? Am I looking for acceptance? Am I trying to overcome a failed relationship? Am I lonely? Do I feel incomplete? What’s really going on?” You cannot enter this field indecisive! You cannot tip toe around thinking the answer will come. You have to know and you have to be sure of what you know. You must go into this knowing what you want or you will find yourself caught up in what others want to give you! Take yourself off the clearance rack. You are high quality merchandise!
Between all three online dating sites, I only invested 6 weeks to this experience and although this is NOT enough time to get boo’d up and walk down the aisle, I knew that was NOT my objective. Honestly I don’t know if any amount of time would have me walking down the aisle right now. But I do know that it helped me reconnect with myself, take pride in who I am, trust my judgment, and speak up for myself. It helped me set some boundaries and re-evaluate some that have already been set. This experience helped me identify what I like and what I don’t. It helped me see my value through my own eyes an not the eyes of others. It also showed me areas I need to continue to work on. I can still be a little judgmental. I can still be a little bougie. I can still be a little self-righteous. I can be a little petty. I can be a little reserved and over analyze things. But I also know I’m a really good person with a lot of love to share with the right person.
So as I explore the relationships that I did build while doing this experience and work on those areas that present a pause in my life, I have new found information for my clients. The first of which would be do not rush it. Don’t second guess yourself. Don’t do anything you aren’t 100% comfortable with doing. If you don’t heal who you are you will only attract the things that you ran from in the first place. Because whether we want to admit it or not we attract who we we are NOT what we want!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | May 22, 2019 | Encouragement, Fear, Growth
Some days, I have it all together!
Some days, I make it LOOK like I have it all together.
But every now and then I have days where everything in me screams in total rage, making me want to throw in the towel and say, “to HELL with everything!” Sound familiar?
The days when everything was screaming at me and I wanted to give up, are also the days I didn’t want to put on my big girl pants. Heck, I didn’t want to put on any pants! I wanted to climb under my covers and just let the time pass away. I didn’t want to be a coach. I didn’t want to be motivating or encouraging. I didn’t want to be a “christian”. I didn’t want to be friendly. I didn’t want to even exist. Existing hurt to bad. Existing meant I had to accept what was going on. Existing meant I had to pull myself up and do something. Existing meant I had to BE! And I just didn’t want to BE – I wanted to be left alone!I I wanted the world to stop for just a moment so I could catch my breath and sit in my pity party! It was those days, I found myself replaying EVERY negative word my abusers (Yes, multiple) ever said to me. I questioned everything about me. I searched for every flaw I could find. I didn’t need anyone else to torture me, I tortured myself. Constantly second guessing every decision I ever made. When I went deep, I went REAL DEEP! I would grab a spoon, climb into a hole and dig it deeper! 
However, when I look back at those days, I have to admit, those where the days I grew the most. Those were the days I came out ready to fight. Those were the days I came out loving myself a little deeper. Those were the days I set boundaries that I could implement without fear. Those were the days courage took over and fear took a back seat. Those were the days my abusers lost power over me. Those were the days my big girl pants became more attractive and fit flawlessly. Those were the days not only did I BECOME, but wanted to help others get out of their own way and BECOME!
We’ve been taught to “keep it together”. To wear a smile at all times. To put our best foot forward. To NEVER let them see you sweat. To stay away from the darkness. GIRL, BYE!!! Keep holding that stuff in! You are going to explode! If it never rained, how would we ever learn to appreciate the sunshine?
The dark days are not there to discourage you. If you allow them, they will encourage you. They will build you. They will grow you. It’s when you deny your feelings, acting like everything is alright, when you actually fall apart. One of my favorite authors, Shelia Walsh says it best, “It’s okay to not be okay”! That was the best thing I ever
We were not put here to be perfect.
Perfect people DO NOT EXIST! Perfect places DO NOT EXIST!
Perfect situations ARE CREATED by imperfect people!
When I feel those dark moments arising, I take out my planner and schedule a mental health day! Seriously, I take a pen and mark a day in my calendar for me to give in to those feelings. Once that day is over, I document what I learned and move on. To some that may seem extreme but to be honest, it has been my saving grace. Learning to accept myself as I am and not allowing the need to be perfect control me, has been one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever given myself. You should try it! My name is Tina and my perfection is flawed!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Apr 5, 2019 | Fear
I knew after the encounter with First Lady, my life would never be the same. It appeared everything I had covered up and ignored was coming back like flashing lights on the darkest night!
I had to make a plan. I could not continue to live like that. But I so afraid! I was scarier than a hooker who just stole money from her pimp! (Don’t ask me why that is the image I decided to give you, but I think you get the picture).
I made a plan and solicited the help of a really good support group to help me stick to it. I knew my life depended on it. Because I was displaying confidence and self-awareness, the toxic behaviors stopped being so subtle. I had to implement the plan and leave!
I will not lie to you it took over a year for me to develop the courage to leave. It took over a year for me to stop beating myself up for leaving. It took another year for me realize I deserved to leave.
So now I work with women to help them build the confidence, provide support and strategy not just to leave an abusive relationship but to create a life they love and stop tolerating a life that was dropped in their lap.
My plan started with realizing my self-worth! Taking a break from the constant belittling and mistreatment. Deciding that I had to do something.
Here’s the part I left out – I couldn’t do it for me! But when I saw the toxic behaviors spurring from my child, I knew I had to do something!
The course that I am releasing is designed to help women ESTABLISH HER! Her is the little girl inside of each of us that has been abandoned by someone -usually US! Because she does not have anyone she can trust to help her when scared, she rebels and reminds us of all the bad things we’ve ever done in life. She causes us to question ever decision we make. She keeps us in our comfort zone because at least she knows what to expect while there.
Your HER may not be running from a toxic marriage but where has she been abandoned? Was it an absentee father? Was it an uncle that molested you? What is a boyfriend that promised to never leave you? Was it a friend that lied on you? Was it a boss that promised the next promotion was yours? Was it a mother that never had time for you? Was it a bully on the playground? What is she running from?
I hope you will join me in this course as I walk you through the plan I personally used to build my confidence and rebuild my life. If you are not ready to do the work and you believe you can continue to turn back on the pain you are feeling, then I’ll say bye right here! But if you know you need some guidance to move forward, I will see you in the course!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Apr 5, 2019 | Fear
This is the 3rd email in a series I did introducing my new self-paced course, Establishing HER. Here is the outline for the course.
Girl can you believe this???
I hope you are enjoying this series. It has been very therapeutic writing it! I’ve reconnected with my original purpose of NOT WANTING ANY WOMAN TO FEEL UNLOVED AND UNAPPRECIATED!
Yesterday, we left off with me having presented a workshop to a group of women on the different types of abuse. Yes, I still offer that workshop if you would like me to present it to your group, call me!
After completing the workshop, I went into the lady’s room and was approached by a lady in her mid-40s. She looked around making sure no one was in the bathroom with us and asked if she could show me something. She unwrapped her tailored dress revealing bruises on her entire torso. My eyes still tear up every time I tell this story! After a brief discussion, she agreed to go to the doctor and have herself checked and to think about how she would handle the situation with who ever did this to her. All the way home, I cried for this woman. Asking God to reveal her importance and the love that HE has for her. To help her see she deserves so much more than to be abused. To provide someone in her life that would be a comfort, confidant and sounding board for her. I asked him to expose the enemy and how he was using fear to keep her in an abusive situation. OH I was so spiritual!! A few days later, I received a call and found out she was the first lady of that church and my heart sank!!!
Yes, because this was happening in the church but more because I had to be real with myself! I didn’t have bruises on my body but my heart and my mental health were being abused everyday!
It was then after hanging up from that call, I made a decision! NO MORE! I had to figure out a way to get out of this mess. I had to find a way to save myself. I had to find a way…….
Let’s finish this tomorrow! I just dumped a lot on you! And pulled a lot out of me by saying it to the world!
Until Next Time,
