As a coach, I am a stickler about facing your fears. I, also, insist that once you identify an area in your life that causes you to pause; take that pause and access what’s interrupting your seemingly “perfect” life.
WELL – I’m not exempt from that and I will be the first to admit the last three years have been filled with moments that not only caused me to pause but come to a complete STOP and re-evaluate life!!
But because I feel every situation is a learning opportunity – I decided to share my latest adventure.
After taking a much needed emotional sabbatical and adjusting to “single life”, with the encouragement from a friend, I created an online dating profile. The idea of going online to find a companion made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Not because I think there’s something wrong with online dating but as a person that has NEVER officially dated (remember I married my high school sweetheart) and was involved in a very toxic and unhealthy relationship for all of my adult life; I didn’t know what to look for, so how in the world would I make a good decision about who to choose on a dating site. Well, I proved myself correct. The first few choices were HORRIBLE! In fact, many of the men on the site were looking for a one night stand or friends with benefits. Well…… that did not set good with me. It caused me to ‘clutch my pearls’! Thankfully I was able to see through the load of bull they were throwing and duck!
When I came across a profile of a married pastor “looking for someone to allow him to explore the other side of his temptation”, yes, that’s exactly what the profile read! I knew I was way over my head and this was not for me. But with more encouragement, it was suggested I choose another app and not throw in the towel so quickly. PAUSE!
As mentioned earlier, I knew I had to face this “pause” because it was causing an interruption in my life. It wasn’t that I wanted to be married again but I did feel something was missing in my life. Companionship had always been a part of my life and I just knew that was what I needed. And more importantly, I had several clients asking me how to re-enter the dating scene after a toxic relationship and I had NO answers! So into the “fire” I dove!
The next dating app was a bit better. It showed great possibility. Although this blog is NOT a review of the apps but more of my experience, drop me a message below if you would like to know my review of the three apps I used.
Admittedly, I met several really nice men, but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself. Thankfully I did a lot of self-discovery prior to going on the dating site but there was still so much more to uncover. I will share more of the self-discovery in another blog. But I highly recommend you doing some self-discover and self-dating prior to exposing yourself to the harshness of online dating.
Diving in, I had all these ideas of what I would and would not accept, what I was looking for, and how I wanted to be treated. I had a long list of non-negotiates. I was swiping left like I already had a man! Then I realized “hold on, Chic! You are being a bit judgmental and bougie. Who do you think you are? What gives you the right to judge these men?” But as soon as those thoughts occurred is as soon as the answers followed. ME!! I give myself the right to judge what I want and don’t want. What’s acceptable and what’s not! I don’t have to settle for something that doesn’t set right with me. I don’t have to accept being mishandled and pass it off as a misunderstanding! I am NOT desperate! I’m actually enjoying being single and getting to know myself. I lived most of my life settling and catering to the needs of others. I don’t have to do that any more. My singleness is a choice not a punishment. That little dialogue alone changed my entire interaction with my “dating experience”.
I would encourage you to ask yourself “Why am I exploring the world of dating? What am I looking for? Am I looking for validation? Am I looking for acceptance? Am I trying to overcome a failed relationship? Am I lonely? Do I feel incomplete? What’s really going on?” You cannot enter this field indecisive! You cannot tip toe around thinking the answer will come. You have to know and you have to be sure of what you know. You must go into this knowing what you want or you will find yourself caught up in what others want to give you! Take yourself off the clearance rack. You are high quality merchandise!
Between all three online dating sites, I only invested 6 weeks to this experience and although this is NOT enough time to get boo’d up and walk down the aisle, I knew that was NOT my objective. Honestly I don’t know if any amount of time would have me walking down the aisle right now. But I do know that it helped me reconnect with myself, take pride in who I am, trust my judgment, and speak up for myself. It helped me set some boundaries and re-evaluate some that have already been set. This experience helped me identify what I like and what I don’t. It helped me see my value through my own eyes an not the eyes of others. It also showed me areas I need to continue to work on. I can still be a little judgmental. I can still be a little bougie. I can still be a little self-righteous. I can be a little petty. I can be a little reserved and over analyze things. But I also know I’m a really good person with a lot of love to share with the right person.
So as I explore the relationships that I did build while doing this experience and work on those areas that present a pause in my life, I have new found information for my clients. The first of which would be do not rush it. Don’t second guess yourself. Don’t do anything you aren’t 100% comfortable with doing. If you don’t heal who you are you will only attract the things that you ran from in the first place. Because whether we want to admit it or not we attract who we we are NOT what we want!
Until Next Time,
