Some days, I have it all together!
Some days, I make it LOOK like I have it all together.
But every now and then I have days where everything in me screams in total rage, making me want to throw in the towel and say, “to HELL with everything!” Sound familiar?
The days when everything was screaming at me and I wanted to give up, are also the days I didn’t want to put on my big girl pants. Heck, I didn’t want to put on any pants! I wanted to climb under my covers and just let the time pass away. I didn’t want to be a coach. I didn’t want to be motivating or encouraging. I didn’t want to be a “christian”. I didn’t want to be friendly. I didn’t want to even exist. Existing hurt to bad. Existing meant I had to accept what was going on. Existing meant I had to pull myself up and do something. Existing meant I had to BE! And I just didn’t want to BE – I wanted to be left alone!I I wanted the world to stop for just a moment so I could catch my breath and sit in my pity party! It was those days, I found myself replaying EVERY negative word my abusers (Yes, multiple) ever said to me. I questioned everything about me. I searched for every flaw I could find. I didn’t need anyone else to torture me, I tortured myself. Constantly second guessing every decision I ever made. When I went deep, I went REAL DEEP! I would grab a spoon, climb into a hole and dig it deeper! 
However, when I look back at those days, I have to admit, those where the days I grew the most. Those were the days I came out ready to fight. Those were the days I came out loving myself a little deeper. Those were the days I set boundaries that I could implement without fear. Those were the days courage took over and fear took a back seat. Those were the days my abusers lost power over me. Those were the days my big girl pants became more attractive and fit flawlessly. Those were the days not only did I BECOME, but wanted to help others get out of their own way and BECOME!
We’ve been taught to “keep it together”. To wear a smile at all times. To put our best foot forward. To NEVER let them see you sweat. To stay away from the darkness. GIRL, BYE!!! Keep holding that stuff in! You are going to explode! If it never rained, how would we ever learn to appreciate the sunshine?
The dark days are not there to discourage you. If you allow them, they will encourage you. They will build you. They will grow you. It’s when you deny your feelings, acting like everything is alright, when you actually fall apart. One of my favorite authors, Shelia Walsh says it best, “It’s okay to not be okay”! That was the best thing I ever
We were not put here to be perfect.
Perfect people DO NOT EXIST! Perfect places DO NOT EXIST!
Perfect situations ARE CREATED by imperfect people!
When I feel those dark moments arising, I take out my planner and schedule a mental health day! Seriously, I take a pen and mark a day in my calendar for me to give in to those feelings. Once that day is over, I document what I learned and move on. To some that may seem extreme but to be honest, it has been my saving grace. Learning to accept myself as I am and not allowing the need to be perfect control me, has been one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever given myself. You should try it! My name is Tina and my perfection is flawed!
Until Next Time,
