by Coach Tina | Sep 8, 2018 | Encouragement, Growth, Highlights
OUTSPOKEN ∙ CONFIDENT ∙ HONEST ∙ DIRECT ∙ BOLD ∙ CANDID ∙ STRAIGHT-FORWARD
Words we would use to describe a strong and confident woman who knows who she is and what she wants. These are also the words used to describe a woman who is guarded and unwilling to let too many people get close because she refuses to be hurt again!
Meet Trina
When we meet Trina, her personality filled the room. She came across as a woman completely in control of who she was and able to accomplish whatever she desired. Her demeanor was one of confidence yet very guarded. A single mom demanding respect for her accomplishments and those of her kids, she expected nothing but the best.
For a person who demands respect and enjoys control, an impromptu coaching session was not on her list of things to do that day and it showed in her demeanor. The first words to come out of her mouth were “I’m good. I don’t know why I was ‘forced’ into this conversation.” Here’s the video about our first encounter.
With her wall of protection securely in place we dove in and soon the gate opened, and I was allowed to walk in. Hurt and pain had built a secure wall of protection not only around Trina’s heart but around her mind as well. Independence and self-motivation had become her way of life.
After a conversation, she purchased “What You’re Hiding is Hindering Your Blessing”. Her assignment, read the book and call me. She soon began participating in the SisterTalk face-to-face group and committed to a follow-up session. We worked on setting boundaries and self-care.
Today, Trina’s entire outlook on life has changed. She has literally torn down the wall of protection, which she admits was a wall of isolation, and is now, in her words “living her best life”. She learned to stop allowing fear to keep her from pursuing the life she desired. A resent solo vacation helped her to see how strong she really is and how spending time with herself pushed her out of her comfort zone into a place of risk and reward.
Trina recently completely renovated a floor in her home, having never used any power tools in her life. She is currently serving as a co-facilitator for Girl’s SpeakOut-Raleigh, and will be featured at the 4th Annual HELP Conference, stepping completely out of her comfort zone!! Her confidence in herself and her abilities has sky-rocketed. Here’s her words:
“my experience with your coaching has helped me to fine tune the things about me where I had doubts. I’ve always been outspoken but now what “seemed like” confidence and surety – IS. I am no longer faking it until I make it, I am all those things I aspired to be. I have a little more empathy and compassion because I understand better that bad or unfortunate things are not exclusive to me and that my being on the other side of some of those things can be the push that someone else needed. I don’t feel as guarded but I do know how now to set boundaries and apply them. I am fearless and learning what things serve me for the bigger and better purpose versus the things that keep me stagnant and stuck in what’s familiar even when it’s not healthy. Learning that my own validation is sufficient has been an eye opener. Realizing that I’ve already failed if I never try, I step out of my comfort zone and do things that help me grow as person.”
She tore her wall down! And began to live!
by Coach Tina | May 17, 2018 | Encouragement, Fear, Growth
The journey to recovery (whatever that recovery is in your life) can feel like an emotional roller coaster. One day you’re up, the next day you’re down. And at any moment, memories can lead you down a path of regret, fear and disbelief or send you dancing in the rain as you remember how free you feel from all the despair and pain.
One of the major battles can be trying to decide what you are feeling! Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you mad? Maybe it’s excitement. Nah, that must be fear! For me the mere freedom to “feel” anything was overwhelming. I had lived in denial for so long, I didn’t know how to step away from it.
Determined to get off the roller coaster of emotions, I began reading self-help books and talking to my therapist. I even called some of my coaching friends for advice. I had the saints to pray. I went on a spiritual fast. I was tired of the roller coaster and I wanted OFF!
Sadly, regardless of which source I decided to listen to (because you know we always listen to the one that tell us what we want to hear), the instructions were the same. Face your fears and deal with the “stuff”. Stop running from the inevitable. “Eat the cake Anna Mae”! I had to climb the hill. I had to go up the mountain. 
They weren’t telling me anything different from what I told my own clients. Heck, they weren’t telling me anything I hadn’t told myself (remember I talk to myself on a regular). I just didn’t want to deal with it. I wanted to pack it away and hope it would eventually go away. It seems the more “stuff” I dealt with the more “stuff” showed up. The memories I had suppressed were scary and filled with pain and heartache. I didn’t want to deal with that mess. I just wanted to act like it never happened!!! And here it was starring me in my face – like it paid my bills. Actually, it did because I couldn’t move forward until I dealt with all this crap!!!
When I finally stopped procrastinating and avoiding my truth, I realized I was the one hindering my own progress. It wasn’t what other people had done to me. It was my need to hide the pain and fear. It was my need to be in control of the situation. It was fear that was robbing me from my happiness!!
I had allowed fear and denial to keep me from experiencing joy and happiness. From living a life of hope and joy. Dang!! I had to stop blaming everyone else and square up with the person in the mirror. I did it! Yep, all me! Nobody else! I was the one holding myself back.
Well I dug in head first and slowly replaced the insecurities with confidence. I started dancing in the rain. I started to enjoy life. I laughed more. I took risk because I refuse to allow fear to lead me around in shackles. Do I still find myself on the roller coaster? YEP!! Sure, I do but I’ve learn to appreciate the ride. I realize when the ride seems scary, it’s me refusing to go to the next level. Yet every level I tackle increases my confidence and trust in myself and the decisions I make. My self-worth is no longer contingent on what others think of me. It’s based on what I believe about myself. Is it hard? YES!! I will never lie to you. There are days I just want to be by myself and cry and that’s what I do. Then there are days I really need to be around my friends and love on each other and we do that very well (sometimes too well-see about last night).
I’ve learned not to allow the roller coaster ride to scare me. In all honesty, it was the scariest rides that I can attest to saving my life. Taking the climb allowed me to look at the world from a different view. It wasn’t always pretty but the view from the top was breath-taking and freeing. Well just like with any roller coaster ride you can’t stay at the top for long but that ride down. Babeeee it allowed me to lift my hands above my head, scream at the top of my lungs as the wind blew through my hair and rejoice because once again I made it through the ride of my life.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | May 11, 2018 | Encouragement, Gratitude, Growth
Mothers make sacrifices that often go unnoticed and unappreciated. They sacrifice their body, their mind, their emotions, their entire life to nurture another human. And most mothers would do it all over again without regret.
As we prepare for the Mother’s Day weekend, I am reminded of how my little ones would gather in my bed with their Mother’s Day gifts. Maybe it was a homemade tea bag card that read “You’re tea-riffic” or a little clay statue that I couldn’t quite make out until I got the nerve to just ask what it was, or the flower they picked off the bush in the front yard because they left their gift at school on Friday. Whatever it was, it was appreciated because it came from my kids. Oh, the days!!!
As they grew older they began to understand the concept of Mother’s Day and would take over my kitchen and prepare dinner giving me a day off – thank God for their father’s willingness to participant and provide guidance.
Now that my kids are young adults, they call me from their own homes and it’s a little later in the morning. They actually put some thought into the cards they purchase from the store and attach them to gifts off my wish list instead of just randomly buying stuff I’ll never use. They ask if I’d like them to cook or go out to dinner. They understand that I have wants and try to accommodate them. The benefits of having grown thoughtful kids!!!
But this year the shift of having a house full of kids to becoming an empty nester has been quite a challenge. I find myself longing for the days of them gathering in my bed or the little cheesy cards. I’m not so much missing the disfigured clay structure or the withered flowers, but to be able to lay in the bed as someone else took over the responsibilities for the day seems very enjoyable. I imagine sipping on a cup tea while watching the sun rise out of the ocean as my kids sleep in a room nearby. Now that would be real nice. Note to self: Make reservations to spend Mother’s Day at the beach next year!!
When the kids are younger we tend to take it all for granted. Time goes fast and before we know it they have a life of their own, making their own memories. However, if you’ve done the job right, the sacrifices you’ve made will be rewarded not by what they do for you on Mother’s Day but what they do through the year. It took me a long time to see that when my kids prosper, it is a direct indication that I’ve raised them correctly. I mean when they have money they can buy better gifts, right!!
So, to all the mothers out there feeling some kinda way about Mother’s Day and your grown children, take a moment and ask yourself what do you need? What can you do for yourself to make you feel appreciated? What can you do to show appreciation for the sacrifices you’ve made? And then do it!! I’ve already decided GIVE ME A SUNRISE!!!
You do not need permission to treat yourself kind. Have a glass of wine or a cup of tea and enjoy. Knowing you are an awesome MOTHER and amazing WOMAN! You don’t need a holiday to prove it.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | May 3, 2018 | Encouragement, Growth
I took a mental health day! I sat in my chair sipped on coffee until I didn’t want any more. Then I poured myself a big glass of water, opened my blinds and stared out the window. My mind was completely blank. There were no real thoughts at all. Then I thought about all the things on my to do list and smiled realizing I was NOT going to tackle any of them today. I had other plans and things to that must be dealt with once and for all!! I was taking a mental health day!
Let’s back up and see why it was so important for me to take a moment and regroup
I found myself sitting at my desk and out of the blue tears started rolling down my face. It freaked me out like what was going on? Why am I crying? Why am I emotional? I really couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I was just being motivational and encouraging and here I sit crying. Why?
I started thinking about all the things that had went wrong in my life and what I could have done to prevent them. I found myself contemplating going back to the things that I asked God to deliver me from. I don’t mean just thinking about it, I picked up the phone to make the call. Thankfully the tears started falling and distracted me. I had temporarily lost my mind. I fought through hell to break that soul-tie why would I even entertain re-entering that dysfunction?
I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes, so I could go to the bathroom and pull myself together. I stood in front of the mirror and gave myself a pep talk ‘Pull it together! You are stronger than this! This is totally unacceptable! There is nothing wrong with you! Stand up straight and walk like the queen you are! YES!! I talk to myself like that – try it before you place judgement!
I returned to my desk ready to tackle the rest of the day and just like that, the tears started rolling down my face again. I realized I was slipping into a mild depression! So, I did what I tell my clients – reach out! Don’t allow yourself to slip into a place you fought to get out of.
I called a member of my support team and after a brief conversation and prayer, I felt better and was able to finish the day. But I knew upon leaving, I would not be returning to work the next day. I needed to get my head together and figure out what this was all about.
I thought I had dealt with all the feeling associated with the abuse, the separation and ultimately the divorce. I had forgiven him and had forgiven myself. I had moved on. I had the therapy bills to show it!
I, then, had to be honest with myself -I had dealt with it, I had forgiven but I was still grieving. I was entering the final stages, but I was grieving. I started doing some research on grieving and found very little about grieving someone that is still alive.
I read how it could take up to a year for every 10 years you are with a person – what that’s three years! Then they say add additional time if the relationship was toxic or abusive. Man, ain’t no body got time for that!! I’m ready for this to be over and done with!
Then I read this quote – You only struggle because you are ready to grow but aren’t willing to let go. Drew Gerald
Well, dang!!!! I have to deal with these feelings if I wanted to move on. I have to step up to the plate. I have to cope with what I was really feeling. I had to deal or stay stuck. So it went like this – I am angry. I am hurt. I am embarrassed. I am full of ashamed and guilt. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I was ABUSED!!! But wait – I knew all of that! I had already acknowledged that. BUT I hadn’t let it go!!!
I hadn’t let it go! I was still holding on to so much anger and pain! Although I had healed a lot; there was a part of me that was a lot I was still holding on to. I was so mad! Like when would this stop! When would this end! So I set deal with it once and for all. I wanted answers. I want to know why. I was pissed. Maybe the research was right – it does take time to get over all the pain.
So, on my mental health day. I sat and allowed myself to accept where I was in the process. I gave myself the space to cry and to grieve and to be angry. I gave myself permission to be okay with not being okay. And the funniest thing happened – NO TEARS!! Like, where were the freaking tears! I sat aside a whole day to allow the tears to fall and nothing, absolutely nothing happened!
That’s when I realized by facing my fears and given room for me to feel what I so desperately wanted to avoid, I took control over them. I won the battle. Now do I believe it’s completely over? NO!! But I will give way to the feelings as they come. I will stop being so hard on myself thinking something is wrong with me and that it’s wrong for me to express my feelings.
My mental health day was a good day and it didn’t involve a glass of wine at least not yet – it gave me an opportunity to check my mental health and see that all is well after all.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Apr 20, 2018 | Encouragement, Focus, Gratitude, Growth, More Abundant Series
For the last few years, I’ve developed a tradition where a couple days before my birthday, I sit with a cup of tea or a glass of wine; depending on how I’m feeling and reflect on what transpired over the last 365 days. My birthday has become my personal New Year Celebration! I take a moment and look at what was good, what was not so good, what I could have done better, what I did really good, what worked and what did not work and then I make adjustments to make sure I continue “to create a life I love instead of just tolerating life”.
Although, 46 was very eventful, scary, foreign, and full of first for me, I can sit here and say I wouldn’t change anything about it!! I grew so much mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
My business grew. My self-awareness grew. My network grew. My love grew. Thankfully my pants size did NOT grow (yay for that)!!
But here are some reflections I’d like to share. This year showed me…
- The true definition of strength. For most of my adult life, I compared myself to everyone resulting in me questioning my abilities and my strength. Sadly, I truly lived life afraid I wasn’t strong enough to do certain things. I allowed fear to paralyze me and hinder me from doing the thing I longed to do the most; like, speak in front of a group. Yet, this year I did it more times than I can count. Now, I teach other women to define what strength means to them and how to embrace it.
- I attract what I become. One of the things my ex would constantly tell me was “no one loves you but me”. And I believed it! I was so fearful of him not being a part of my life because I desperately wanted to be loved and I thought he was the only one that would truly love me. This year, I learned I attract what I become, so I became my own lover. I learned to love myself unconditionally and unapologetically. In return, I attracted people that do the same.
- My happiness is a choice I get to make. Happiness is a something I can have or something I sit on the side and watch others enjoy. Well this year I decided I was going to have it!! I was going to have a lot of it. And I would determine what it looks like and not focus on what others say it is. No longer would I look for others to fulfill my “happy tank” I would surround myself with the things in life that constantly made me happy so that my tank would never run low.
- I have really good friends. I’ve learned the true meaning of healthy relationships, setting boundaries and sticking to them! Which also meant I had to admit I had some really unhealthy relationships and no boundaries! This year, I made some hard decisions. I had to let some stuff and some people go but now I have relationships that serve me and not take advantage of me. I have people that I can depend on and people I don’t mind serving.
- Traditions have their place but should never replace an opportunity to grow. This year, I learned I had a lot of traditions that robbed me of happiness, joy and life. I was doing thing not because I wanted to but because it was what I always did. I changed that this year, now I do things that I desire. Things that make me happy. Things that help me grow. Things that I love. No more tradition for the sake of tradition – now it’s all because it I really want to do it.
I’m excited about 47!! I’m excited about what’s to come. But more than anything…. I’m excited that 46 taught me to live today and if tomorrow comes, be happy! I have another opportunity to make yesterday jealous!!!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Apr 11, 2018 | Encouragement, Focus, Growth, More Abundant Series
There is a gazillon (is that even a word) quotes on being successful. Go a head and google it, I’ll wait. (tapping fingers patiently) I was right, wasn’t I? There’s a lot. But here’s the thing, no one ever tells you success starts with a decision to want to be successful.
Seriously, many will say, “I’m going to be successful” – that’s a “thought”. But actually, putting together a plan and executing is when the “decision’ is made.
There will be moments when you want to give up. There will be moments when you feel it’s more work than you want to do. There will be times when you say, “the heck with it, I’m done”!! And those are the moments when you ask yourself “did I make a decision or have a thought”?
A thought will allow you to quit. A thought will let you give up. A thought will run at the first sign of struggle. A thought will cry and throw in the towel.
But a decision…. Oh, it keeps going even when you can’t see anything happening. It keeps going when everyone around you says to quit. A decision pushes through the tears. A decision decides this is what I want and I’m not going to stop until I get it.
A DECISION – now that’s the real secret to success.
Regardless what success looks like to you, when you decide that you really want it, no one can stop you. No one can distract you. No one can deter you. You will do everything in your power to make it happen.
So, I ask, do you want to be successful? Maybe it’s building your business. Getting that promotion. Strengthening your marriage. Developing better friendships. Encouraging your children. Losing weight. Writing the book. Getting out of the abusive relationship. Whatever it is… Whatever you deem success looks like to you. How bad do you want it? Have you decided or are you still thinking?
Write the vision and make it plain…(Habakkuk 2:2)
Here’s the secrets I promised… the steps to being successful
1. Make a plan. You will never get where you are intending to go without a plan. Let’s face it we are creatures of habit and without a plan we do we’ve always done.
2. Execute the plan. Having a plan is not enough. You MUST take the steps you’ve defined in your plan. Get up off the couch and go to the gym. Set aside 30 minutes a day and write in your book. Plan fun activities with your loved ones. Work your plan or it won’t work.
3. Take risk. Anyone who has ever been successful, took risk. You can’t play it safe and be successful. Not only does it broaden your horizons, it makes life fun.
4. Do not settle. You will never accomplish the goals you set for yourself settling. It just won’t happen. If I settled with just writing in my journal, I would have never published my books. If I had settled with tolerating life, I would have never created a life I love.
5. Ask for help. Find a person who is doing what you want to do and ask for help. Most people who are successful don’t mind helping you because they know how much they struggled to get where they are and wished someone would have helped them.
6. Listen to instruction!!! The one thing that would keep someone from helping you (outside of selfishness) is having their time and knowledge wasted. Remember you sought them out because they are where you want to be. So, listen to them. Glean from them. Learn from them.
7. Celebrate often. Don’t wait until the end to celebrate. Find ways to celebrate the small wins because that is what will keep you pushing forward.
You can do this. In fact, you can use the above steps to accomplish anything you want in life. It all begins with a decision.
Until Next Time,
