The journey to recovery (whatever that recovery is in your life) can feel like an emotional roller coaster. One day you’re up, the next day you’re down. And at any moment, memories can lead you down a path of regret, fear and disbelief or send you dancing in the rain as you remember how free you feel from all the despair and pain.
One of the major battles can be trying to decide what you are feeling! Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you mad? Maybe it’s excitement. Nah, that must be fear! For me the mere freedom to “feel” anything was overwhelming. I had lived in denial for so long, I didn’t know how to step away from it.
Determined to get off the roller coaster of emotions, I began reading self-help books and talking to my therapist. I even called some of my coaching friends for advice. I had the saints to pray. I went on a spiritual fast. I was tired of the roller coaster and I wanted OFF!
Sadly, regardless of which source I decided to listen to (because you know we always listen to the one that tell us what we want to hear), the instructions were the same. Face your fears and deal with the “stuff”. Stop running from the inevitable. “Eat the cake Anna Mae”! I had to climb the hill. I had to go up the mountain. 
They weren’t telling me anything different from what I told my own clients. Heck, they weren’t telling me anything I hadn’t told myself (remember I talk to myself on a regular). I just didn’t want to deal with it. I wanted to pack it away and hope it would eventually go away. It seems the more “stuff” I dealt with the more “stuff” showed up. The memories I had suppressed were scary and filled with pain and heartache. I didn’t want to deal with that mess. I just wanted to act like it never happened!!! And here it was starring me in my face – like it paid my bills. Actually, it did because I couldn’t move forward until I dealt with all this crap!!!
When I finally stopped procrastinating and avoiding my truth, I realized I was the one hindering my own progress. It wasn’t what other people had done to me. It was my need to hide the pain and fear. It was my need to be in control of the situation. It was fear that was robbing me from my happiness!!
I had allowed fear and denial to keep me from experiencing joy and happiness. From living a life of hope and joy. Dang!! I had to stop blaming everyone else and square up with the person in the mirror. I did it! Yep, all me! Nobody else! I was the one holding myself back.
Well I dug in head first and slowly replaced the insecurities with confidence. I started dancing in the rain. I started to enjoy life. I laughed more. I took risk because I refuse to allow fear to lead me around in shackles. Do I still find myself on the roller coaster? YEP!! Sure, I do but I’ve learn to appreciate the ride. I realize when the ride seems scary, it’s me refusing to go to the next level. Yet every level I tackle increases my confidence and trust in myself and the decisions I make. My self-worth is no longer contingent on what others think of me. It’s based on what I believe about myself. Is it hard? YES!! I will never lie to you. There are days I just want to be by myself and cry and that’s what I do. Then there are days I really need to be around my friends and love on each other and we do that very well (sometimes too well-see about last night).
I’ve learned not to allow the roller coaster ride to scare me. In all honesty, it was the scariest rides that I can attest to saving my life. Taking the climb allowed me to look at the world from a different view. It wasn’t always pretty but the view from the top was breath-taking and freeing. Well just like with any roller coaster ride you can’t stay at the top for long but that ride down. Babeeee it allowed me to lift my hands above my head, scream at the top of my lungs as the wind blew through my hair and rejoice because once again I made it through the ride of my life.
Until Next Time,
