by Coach Tina | Jun 19, 2020 | Encouragement, Fear, Growth
I have always used words to paint a picture of what goes on in my head; however, difficult and controversial topics tend to cause my words to swell up in my throat and leave me gasping for air.
After years of sitting quiet, I intentionally strive to make my voice relevant and impactful while trying hard to not offend anyone. I was told my passiveness was a result of PTSD. Possibly. But I also believe it’s a result of an extensive battle of traumatic life experiences, people pleasing and just wanting to be liked. I never wanted my words to offend another or cause harm because I knew firsthand what that felt like. I thought by staying in the middle lane and unbiased, I was handling things the right way. I’m now learning that just isn’t the case. There is NO middle lane when it comes to controversial topics and some people are not going to see your viewpoint. But you MUST give it. You must choose a side. You cannot allow fear of being rejected silence your voice.
This blog has always been about women finding their voice and speaking truth in all situations and circumstances. As our country fights two Pandemics – COVID-19 and racism, I find myself a bit overwhelmed by it all. I normally withhold a lot of my viewpoints while giving those who appear to be better equipped and articulate the floor. I now realize I was just doing what I always do and staying safe out of fear of rejection.
Earlier this week in my private Facebook group I made a post, and someone commented that it offended them. So, I deleted it. OH, how I regret doing so! Not because it’s MY page. Not because she removed herself from the group even after I deleted the post but because it was an example that everyone is not going to co-sign on your beliefs and it’s okay. I had another situation this week were I gave my voice to someone that appeared to be struggling to use hers. Again, I could have lost some supporters. BUT I vowed a pledge to be a voice for the voiceless and if they walk away, they are not my people.
The old me would have sat quiet or tried to help them see my point of view. The NEW me realizes people are entitled to their own opinion and can choose who they want to connect with. I also realize that everyone is not going to like me or my thoughts and that is okay.
Why I am I saying this? Most people that will read this blog struggle with wanting to be heard and more importantly wanting to be liked. Let me clear something once and for all. EVERYONE IS NOT GOING TO LIKE YOU! and that is not your problem. Liking your self – NOW that IS your problem and your responsibility! Your voice matters. Your thoughts matter. YOU MATTER!
This week our theme was “Standing Out in The Crowd!” It always amazes me how I choose topics months in advance and by the end of the month I have a new perspective on what they actually means. They force me to grow. They force me to STAND a little taller.
This week has been no different. I’ve learned some hard truths.
- You cannot be a leader afraid to speak up.
- You cannot manifest a life you love sitting in the corner hoping it happens.
- You cannot be the voice you desire allowing fear to overrule you.
- You cannot be consumed when others don’t agree with your viewpoint.
As we close yet another week of fighting two vast and life changing Pandemics, it’s important for you to decide what side will you reside on and more be willing to stand up for what you believe. It’s time to Stand Out in the Crowd and let your voice be heard.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jan 31, 2020 | Encouragement, Growth, purpose, Relationships
It happened just like that… sitting here minding my own business and he jumps in my inbox! This fine specimen of a man. Fine is a bit of an understatement. He is gorgeous! Carmel brown, nice trimmed beard, balled head, full lips, beautiful smile, 6 feet tall, muscular body, Master’s degree, management, loves to travel, looking a woman to spoil…. Yes baby, here I AM! And then the ball drops! He has a 5-year-old daughter that lives with him! I know! I feel the exact same way….. pure disappointment!!
Why is God playing with my emotions? And no, I’m not sharing his profile with any of y’all! If I can’t date him y’all ain’t either! Cause then I will have to come hang out at your house just to see him! LOL
Boundaries are never easy! But one of mine as I entertain the idea of dating with purpose, is not dating anyone with young kids. Having spent the last 31 years of my life responsible for the daily needs of someone, I have decided I need a break from any type of “child rearing”. I’ve also determined my butt is spoiled. I have NEVER thought about my need to be loved, appreciated, cherished or made a priority as spoiled. But it IS! First step is admittance! I also never thought those things were at the top of my list of needs, but they are! I NEED those things and I want them from a man that can give them to me without restriction. So, I had to be honest with myself – my needs are probably not going to be met by a man with a young child especially one that he has full custody of. So, the boundary was set! But whew baby! Let me go look at that picture one more time…
Do you have areas in your life that you NEED to set some boundaries around? Here are some signs you lack boundaries.
- You find yourself making too many grand sacrifices for others at your own expense
- You feel guilty when others aren’t happy (as if it’s you’re responsible for their happiness)
- You say “yes” when you want to say “no”
- You feel guilty for dedicating time to yourself
- You feel others take you and/or your time for granted
- You are out of touch with your needs
- You are concerned about what other people think of you
- You attract people that are emotionally unavailable, controlling or domineering
I see you nodding your head! You are NOT alone. Most women do not have good boundaries! We have been conditioned to cater to the needs of others. From day one we were taught to care for someone else before we cared for ourselves. Think about when you were introduced to a baby doll. You were told, “here is your baby. Make sure you take care of her”.
Well now it’s time to take care of you. What do you need? What do you desire? What do you deserve? If you are having problems setting boundaries, please reach out I would be glad to work with you.
Now let me look at this picture one more time and delete this profile. No need to have a temptation staring in my face!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Aug 8, 2019 | Encouragement, Fear, Relationships
As a coach, I am a stickler about facing your fears. I, also, insist that once you identify an area in your life that causes you to pause; take that pause and access what’s interrupting your seemingly “perfect” life.
WELL – I’m not exempt from that and I will be the first to admit the last three years have been filled with moments that not only caused me to pause but come to a complete STOP and re-evaluate life!!
But because I feel every situation is a learning opportunity – I decided to share my latest adventure.
After taking a much needed emotional sabbatical and adjusting to “single life”, with the encouragement from a friend, I created an online dating profile. The idea of going online to find a companion made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Not because I think there’s something wrong with online dating but as a person that has NEVER officially dated (remember I married my high school sweetheart) and was involved in a very toxic and unhealthy relationship for all of my adult life; I didn’t know what to look for, so how in the world would I make a good decision about who to choose on a dating site. Well, I proved myself correct. The first few choices were HORRIBLE! In fact, many of the men on the site were looking for a one night stand or friends with benefits. Well…… that did not set good with me. It caused me to ‘clutch my pearls’! Thankfully I was able to see through the load of bull they were throwing and duck!
When I came across a profile of a married pastor “looking for someone to allow him to explore the other side of his temptation”, yes, that’s exactly what the profile read! I knew I was way over my head and this was not for me. But with more encouragement, it was suggested I choose another app and not throw in the towel so quickly. PAUSE!
As mentioned earlier, I knew I had to face this “pause” because it was causing an interruption in my life. It wasn’t that I wanted to be married again but I did feel something was missing in my life. Companionship had always been a part of my life and I just knew that was what I needed. And more importantly, I had several clients asking me how to re-enter the dating scene after a toxic relationship and I had NO answers! So into the “fire” I dove!
The next dating app was a bit better. It showed great possibility. Although this blog is NOT a review of the apps but more of my experience, drop me a message below if you would like to know my review of the three apps I used.
Admittedly, I met several really nice men, but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself. Thankfully I did a lot of self-discovery prior to going on the dating site but there was still so much more to uncover. I will share more of the self-discovery in another blog. But I highly recommend you doing some self-discover and self-dating prior to exposing yourself to the harshness of online dating.
Diving in, I had all these ideas of what I would and would not accept, what I was looking for, and how I wanted to be treated. I had a long list of non-negotiates. I was swiping left like I already had a man! Then I realized “hold on, Chic! You are being a bit judgmental and bougie. Who do you think you are? What gives you the right to judge these men?” But as soon as those thoughts occurred is as soon as the answers followed. ME!! I give myself the right to judge what I want and don’t want. What’s acceptable and what’s not! I don’t have to settle for something that doesn’t set right with me. I don’t have to accept being mishandled and pass it off as a misunderstanding! I am NOT desperate! I’m actually enjoying being single and getting to know myself. I lived most of my life settling and catering to the needs of others. I don’t have to do that any more. My singleness is a choice not a punishment. That little dialogue alone changed my entire interaction with my “dating experience”.
I would encourage you to ask yourself “Why am I exploring the world of dating? What am I looking for? Am I looking for validation? Am I looking for acceptance? Am I trying to overcome a failed relationship? Am I lonely? Do I feel incomplete? What’s really going on?” You cannot enter this field indecisive! You cannot tip toe around thinking the answer will come. You have to know and you have to be sure of what you know. You must go into this knowing what you want or you will find yourself caught up in what others want to give you! Take yourself off the clearance rack. You are high quality merchandise!
Between all three online dating sites, I only invested 6 weeks to this experience and although this is NOT enough time to get boo’d up and walk down the aisle, I knew that was NOT my objective. Honestly I don’t know if any amount of time would have me walking down the aisle right now. But I do know that it helped me reconnect with myself, take pride in who I am, trust my judgment, and speak up for myself. It helped me set some boundaries and re-evaluate some that have already been set. This experience helped me identify what I like and what I don’t. It helped me see my value through my own eyes an not the eyes of others. It also showed me areas I need to continue to work on. I can still be a little judgmental. I can still be a little bougie. I can still be a little self-righteous. I can be a little petty. I can be a little reserved and over analyze things. But I also know I’m a really good person with a lot of love to share with the right person.
So as I explore the relationships that I did build while doing this experience and work on those areas that present a pause in my life, I have new found information for my clients. The first of which would be do not rush it. Don’t second guess yourself. Don’t do anything you aren’t 100% comfortable with doing. If you don’t heal who you are you will only attract the things that you ran from in the first place. Because whether we want to admit it or not we attract who we we are NOT what we want!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jun 20, 2019 | Abuse, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, purpose
Rest, if you must, but don’t quit. Edgar Quest
Let’s be real sometimes rest just don’t seem like enough! If you’ve ever been emotionally or mentally tired, your understanding of that statement surpasses one who is physically tired. When you are physically tired, a nap usually does the trick. But when you add emotions into the equation, a nap is just not enough. But what do you do?
June has been a deep dive into “Persevere: Don’t Quit!”Let me tell you – I have been challenged, pulled, and pushed all around with this one. I’ve wanted to yell, cry, scream and yes even cuss a few people out. I wanted to tell them what I really thought about them and how I could see right through them and their tricks. I could see how they were manipulative and self-centered. I wanted to let them know how what they said and did hurt my feelings. I wanted to yell I am enough with or without them. I wanted to let them know that the silent treatment no longer works on me. I wanted to let them know they no longer had control over me. AND THEN…. I realized a few things!
- They didn’t deserve that kind of energy from me. (energy is everything)
- I just wanted to prove a point. (never good)
- I was looking to validate how I felt by making them look at me. (they could care less)
- I was ACTUALLY allowing their mistreatment to affect me by dwelling on it. (doing exactly what they wanted)
- Their behavior was typical of an abuser and I shouldn’t be surprised. (get yo life)
- Everyone must answer to their own behavior and as much as I wanted, I could NEVER make a person change. (they ain’t changing)
- I was responsible for how I responded NOT why the person did what they did. (prioritize)
- I had to do more than just warn people of misbehavior, I had to show them what it looked like. And more importantly how to protect yourself from it. (get in position)
I found myself in a dilemma: FIGHT OR QUIT! Well I ain’t NO QUITTER! I knew what I had to do but not sure how to do it. I didn’t want it to look like I was whining. I didn’t want it to look like I was bitter. And I definitely didn’t want to look like a PUNK! I could NOT sit back and watch people I cared about be torn apart by wounded vindictive predators. I had to own my story! I had to get over the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). I had to stand up and fight. I had to take back the control I had given away. I had to stop being afraid of what people would say. I put my gloves on because ONE thing I’ve learned people are going to talk so why not give them a good story to tell.
I’m not sure how this all will look but now that I’ve rested, it’s time to FIGHT! Fight for myself. Fight for other women. Fight for those that aren’t aware. Fight for those who are aware but afraid to admit what they know. Fight for our little girls!! Our little girls SHOULD NEVER have to experience abuse, insecurity, bullying or mishandling! They will KNOW who they are! They will know how to fight! They will know it’s okay to rest but never quit!
This isn’t JUST about abuse from a man. This is abuse from all toxic people!!! I look forward to you joining in for the ride. Make sure to drop your comments, questions or concerns below. If there are topic you want me to cover leave those as well. But whatever you do, DO NOT QUIT! You are in the fight for your life. Put on those boxing gloves and let’s go!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | May 22, 2019 | Encouragement, Fear, Growth
Some days, I have it all together!
Some days, I make it LOOK like I have it all together.
But every now and then I have days where everything in me screams in total rage, making me want to throw in the towel and say, “to HELL with everything!” Sound familiar?
The days when everything was screaming at me and I wanted to give up, are also the days I didn’t want to put on my big girl pants. Heck, I didn’t want to put on any pants! I wanted to climb under my covers and just let the time pass away. I didn’t want to be a coach. I didn’t want to be motivating or encouraging. I didn’t want to be a “christian”. I didn’t want to be friendly. I didn’t want to even exist. Existing hurt to bad. Existing meant I had to accept what was going on. Existing meant I had to pull myself up and do something. Existing meant I had to BE! And I just didn’t want to BE – I wanted to be left alone!I I wanted the world to stop for just a moment so I could catch my breath and sit in my pity party! It was those days, I found myself replaying EVERY negative word my abusers (Yes, multiple) ever said to me. I questioned everything about me. I searched for every flaw I could find. I didn’t need anyone else to torture me, I tortured myself. Constantly second guessing every decision I ever made. When I went deep, I went REAL DEEP! I would grab a spoon, climb into a hole and dig it deeper! 
However, when I look back at those days, I have to admit, those where the days I grew the most. Those were the days I came out ready to fight. Those were the days I came out loving myself a little deeper. Those were the days I set boundaries that I could implement without fear. Those were the days courage took over and fear took a back seat. Those were the days my abusers lost power over me. Those were the days my big girl pants became more attractive and fit flawlessly. Those were the days not only did I BECOME, but wanted to help others get out of their own way and BECOME!
We’ve been taught to “keep it together”. To wear a smile at all times. To put our best foot forward. To NEVER let them see you sweat. To stay away from the darkness. GIRL, BYE!!! Keep holding that stuff in! You are going to explode! If it never rained, how would we ever learn to appreciate the sunshine?
The dark days are not there to discourage you. If you allow them, they will encourage you. They will build you. They will grow you. It’s when you deny your feelings, acting like everything is alright, when you actually fall apart. One of my favorite authors, Shelia Walsh says it best, “It’s okay to not be okay”! That was the best thing I ever
We were not put here to be perfect.
Perfect people DO NOT EXIST! Perfect places DO NOT EXIST!
Perfect situations ARE CREATED by imperfect people!
When I feel those dark moments arising, I take out my planner and schedule a mental health day! Seriously, I take a pen and mark a day in my calendar for me to give in to those feelings. Once that day is over, I document what I learned and move on. To some that may seem extreme but to be honest, it has been my saving grace. Learning to accept myself as I am and not allowing the need to be perfect control me, has been one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever given myself. You should try it! My name is Tina and my perfection is flawed!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Mar 19, 2019 | Encouragement, Focus, Growth
What did I just do? Did I just say NO to what some would call “a chance of a lifetime”? Could I have just turned down my “golden ticket”? Maybe but I don’t think so! At least I hope NOT!
I was approached with a great opportunity! It could have easily been “THE ONE”! The one that changed my whole life! Yet, I turned it down! Who does that??!!
At first, I thought it was fear talking, even had someone tell me that! But then I realized, it just wasn’t what I wanted to do! It did not excite me like I thought it would. I could have easily made it “look” like it aligned with my aspirations, but I had to be honest with myself – it didn’t! And it would have pulled me into a totally different direction than what I wanted to do. (Yes, I’m using my post to justify my decision – you should try it sometimes)
But there is purpose in my rambling!
Have you ever had an opportunity drop onto your lap and although everyone around you was excited about it; You knew it could change the game; You knew this could open great opportunities for you, for some reason something inside of you just didn’t engage? It just seemed OFF!?!? It didn’t quite feel like “THE ONE”!
If not careful, FEAR can set in! Not just fear of the what’s ahead but fear of making the wrong decision. This is where it’s so important to know yourself! To trust yourself! To not allow others to push you into something you don’t want to do. This is your life! Your decisions are based on what’s best for you and no one else! Let’s be real, you will have some people whispering in your ear – not because they think it’s best for you, but because they are looking at how they can capitalize off your decision. Be careful!
Making life changing decisions can be scary! Sometimes, you just don’t know what to do! If you turn left – things could change forever! If you turn right – things could change FOREVER!
Did you know every opportunity is NOT a God-given opportunity? Did you know everything that looks good is NOT good? If the situation makes you question who you are, take another look!
Why are you doing it? Are you doing it for attention, acceptance, validation? Are you looking the approval of someone else? Are you hoping it will prove your “worthiness”? Are you doing it because you need to be in control or seen? Are you doing it because someone said, “this is perfect for you”?
Are you avoiding it because you are afraid? Are you questioning your ability? Are you saying NO because it pushes you out of your comfort zone? Are you allowing limited beliefs to keep you from what you are destined to do?
Tell the TRUTH!!!
Take a moment and think for yourself! What do you want to do? What will make you smile in the morning? What will push you closer to the person you desire to be? What makes your soul smile?
That’s the decision you want to make! Those are the opportunities in life you look for! Not what everyone else says you should do! (OH, how I hate the word SHOULD!)
Get quiet with yourself and ask God for direction, HE will give it to you! Here’s a nugget for you: If you don’t know who you are and what YOU want in this life, you will be pushed into situations that are NOT for you, by people looking for what’s best for them!
So, my decision to decline the golden opportunity, the “GOLDEN TICKET” … was more an opportunity to stay true to the person I want to be instead of the person the world says I should be!
Until Next Time,
