by Coach Tina | Jul 29, 2020 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus
There are multitude opinions concerning self-reliance. The two I hear the most is everyone SHOULD be self-reliant; relying predominantly on your own powers and resources rather than those of others. The next one is you NEED others to become the person you were created to be. These are great examples why it’s important to know what you want, who you are and who you can depend on! I believe both opinions have very strong and valid argument potential. I also believe you cannot live in a bubble and expect to live a full and vibrant life. BUT you also cannot sit around waiting for someone to ride in on a white horse and save you. You must have a desire for self-reliance and self-preservation.
We were created to dwell among others. I am a true believer, the people you need in your life will appear when you are ready to receive them. I also believe everything you need to be successful is already inside of you, but you must learn how to manifest it and bring it to the surface. “Bringing it to the surface” could merely be reading a book, hiring a coach, sitting under a mentor, praying. But you must be willing to dig! You must be willing to go after what you desire in this life!
Many survivors of abuse or traumatic life experiences, struggle finding a balance between self-reliance and needing outward validation. And why shouldn’t they? For years, they have constantly been told what to do, what to think and how to react. Notice I said react not act.
Self-reliance demands you to be proactive not reactive. It demands you to know what you desire not what others desire for you. It demands you to make yourself a priority, something most survivors know nothing about! Self-reliance requires you to be truthful. Again, not a quality most survivors are comfortable with. Self-reliance says trust yourself. Until they go through a healing process, survivors don’t trust anybody especially not themselves.
So how do you become self-reliant when you are afraid to put that much confidence in yourself:
- Go with your gut – no one knows you better than you. Even in the midst of your fears, there was a still small voice that told you something wasn’t right. You weren’t able to act upon it, but you felt it. You hoped it was not true, but you felt it. Now it’s time to trust that feeling.
- Become your own best friend – it’s time to get to know yourself. You have been faithful and committed to everyone except you. You have made sacrifices for everyone. You have done the unthinkable for the sake of friendship. NOW it’s time to become your own best friend.
- Forgive yourself – It amazes me how easy it is to forgive others yet forgiving our self is one of the hardest things to do. I will admit THIS was my biggest stumbling block. I was so hard on myself because I SHOULD have known better. But, how? Why? Now is the time to forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know and ignoring what you did. We all want to see the best in situations even when they aren’t there.
- Ask yourself the hard questions – Self- reliance is based on what you NEED not what you want. You can never get that until you dig deep inside yourself and determine what you NEED. Ask the hard question. Why can’t I fully depend on myself? Why can’t I move past this place? Why is it so hard? Then listen to the answers. At this point it will be essential for you to change the narrative and create a new thought pattern.
Self-reliance does NOT mean you don’t need anyone. It simply means you have learned to exhaust your own abilities before going to someone else. You are not looking for someone to fix the problem for you. You are not sitting back hoping things just happen. You are taking the initiative and putting in place what you want to happen. Then seeking individual that will help you accomplish your goal. I’m cheering for you. I know coming out of a space where you haven’t had the privilege of depending on yourself, it’s hard to do. But you have no other choice. You must protect the woman you are fighting to become. You must give her a fighting chance. So, again, I ask, who do you depend on?
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 24, 2020 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Growth
Ever wondered why some people are successful and others aren’t? First why are we so worried about what others do? Because we are HUMAN, don’t let no body fool you. We have those moments! However, if you focus on what others do for too long; you could become depressed by your own actions or you may become motivated by theirs!
I’ll take the motivation! I’ve lived a depressed life and it’s NO fun! I’d rather be motivated by what I see instead of depressed by what I don’t. It really is NO coincidence that successful people seek motivation in everything they do. It is, also, NO coincidence that successful people remove things from their lives that don’t motivate/move them. Marie Kondo is making a mint on that philosophy!
What motivates you? What keeps you focused on your goals? Where is your determination level? When you feel like you can’t or don’t want to move forward, what’s going on in your mind? What has your attention?
Here are some ways to help you stay focused and push through your desire to throw in the towel:
- Stop focusing on the past. Your past is just that; the past! Use it as a reference but never as an instruction manual! The instruction manual for your life is constantly being created. You will NEVER have all the answers. Everyday provides opportunities to make edits and improvements. Use them! If you don’t like the way it is, change it! If it didn’t work the way you wanted to work, learn from it and start again. Make the edit.
- Understand your priorities. There is a difference between priority and importance. The happiness of my kids is important to me. When they were younger, it was a priority. Now they are grown, their happiness must be their own priority. The marriage is a priority in comparison to friendships; but friendships are a priority in relation to materialistic items. But nothing is more of a priority than your own happiness and mental health. Read that again!
- Revisit your long-term goals. Setting goals helps you stay focused on the present and on what’s important. They help you prioritize and create momentum. They help you eliminate time wasters and establish routines. But you cannot make them and never revisit them. When you feel like giving up remember why you started in the first place. What goal were you pursuing? Is it still a goal? Is it a priority? Is it important? Or was it something that catered to the “old you”? True goals evolve and become more intentional but the essence of it remains the same.
Success does not happen overnight. It requires discipline and motivation. It requires you letting go of things that prohibit you from moving forward. Yes, even the things you love. If your desire is to lose 50 pounds, you may have to give up Aunt Mary’s famous apple cake and replace it with a baked apple with cinnamon. If your goal is to get the promotion, you may have to replace weekly nights out with the girls for studying ways to sharpen your skill sets.
The road to success can be lonely but when it’s a priority you will make it happen. Stay determined and watch your life change before your eyes. It’s time for you to be successful and happy.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 13, 2020 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus
Survivors of traumatic life experiences tend to struggle making simple decisions; so, life changing decisions take extra effort. Indecisiveness is not because they lack the ability to decide; but usually because one has been chastised for making “wrong” decisions
What do I wear? Where should we eat? What is the right response? Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I enough? Who will this effect? Will they like me? Can I do it? What if I fail? Maybe someone else should do it; I’m not good enough! I don’t have the skills or knowledge to make that choice. What would she do? What would he do?
Making decisions for a survivor is hard work and extremely exhausting!
They tend to weigh every decision as if life depended on it because in most situations it did! They overthink EVERYTHING! Survivors are constantly reassessing their thoughts and ultimately their choices. They lack the ability to know what healthy looks like because they are rarely exposed to healthy choices. They look at every situation from every lens possible just make sure. They seek validation from those that appear to be smarter, wiser, braver, stronger and more confident. Many times, the only validation they truly desire is from the individuals that have abused them.
It can be hard to see yourself as an INDEPENDENT WOMAN when you struggle to make simple decisions. One characteristic of an independent woman is SHE’S DECISIVE. She stands her ground. She does not waiver. She is intentional. She is bold and confident in her choices. If you struggle to make decisions, seeing yourself as independent can be a joke. But here me clear – decisiveness is the ABILITY to decide. You have the ability. It may just require extra effort!
A decisive person is a person who makes a decision and sticks with it. Many survivors are good at that. They made the decision to stay in the abuse even when it wasn’t the best decision. They made the decision to cover the abuse without feeling they had a choice. They made a decision to love past the pain even when it hurt more than they could bare.The ability is there; the reasoning may be questionable. Seeing yourself as decisive when you doubt your ability to make wise choices can cause anyone to second guess themselves.
BRICK: EVERYONE HAS MADE DECISIONS THAT CAUSED THEM TO QUESTION THEMSELVES!
You are NOT alone! The difference is they didn’t allow their choices to defined them. They didn’t allow their choices to keep them from making another decision. They used the lessons as opportunities to create a better way of doing it. You can do the same.
Check out these 5 characteristics of a decisive woman.
- SHE LIVES IN THE PRESENT – she realizes her past is JUST THAT the past! Her focus is on what’s ahead not what’s behind her. There is NOTHING in your past that can stop you without your consent.
- SHE IS RESILIENT – when things don’t go according to plan, she changes the plan not the goal. Resilience says learn the lesson, get up and do it again this time with a better understanding. You are NEVER starting over you are starting again!
- SHE TAKES RISKS – it didn’t work before! Guess what you are a different person now! Talking risk is the only way to push past limiting beliefs. You may surprise yourself with how great of an opportunity you almost missed.
- SHE LOOKS AT THE BIGGER PICTURE – this world is so big and so is life. She realizes life has limited her from seeing the bigger picture. Once she decides there’s more to life, she allows NOTHING to stop her from enjoying it all. NOT even herself.
- SHE IS FOCUSED – she sets goals. She steps out of her comfort zone. She realizes without goals it easy to return to the past. She uses her goals to make decisions not the words of others.
How do you become more decisive?
- Prioritize your thoughts
- Trust your gut
- Take a chance
- REPEAT as many times as necessary!
Getting it right is not the goal; choosing what feels right to you is the goal! You made a choice to step away from toxic and abusive situations. That was one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever made. It was a struggle. It may have taken several attempts, but you made it. Decide what you want now. Trust yourself. Take a chance and if necessary do it again and again until you are satisfied with the outcome. This is your life! You get to decide what feels right. I see you INDEPENDENT WOMAN! It looks good on you!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 6, 2020 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Growth
I’m an independent woman!
Did you look at that statement and get an attitude? Did your eye twitch a little? Did you immediately think “who does she think she is”? Most people will see a bold statement like that as arrogant, even cocky! But truth be told, if more women were “independent” the world would be a better place. 
An independent woman does not view herself better than anyone else, but she also does NOT see herself as beneath anyone else either. She looks within for satisfaction and validation. She makes decisions based on what she wants not what others want her to do. She does not wait for others to move forward on what she wants to do. She does not dim her light to make others shine, instead she shines brighter so others can as well. She allows others to make decisions that are best for them without allowing their decisions to cause her unnecessary stress or pain (she minds her business). She lives a life that makes her proud while remaining humble. She’s an example to others of what happiness looks like. She uses her past as learning blocks not obstacles. She’s not easily distracted by shiny objects. She counts the cost but does not allow the cost to count her out. She is motivated by her dreams not others. She enjoys her own company so she’s not afraid of being alone. She knows her worth and refuses to settle for less. She embraces her flaws while constantly working to better herself. She works in excellence not perfection. She’s not easily intimidated by those around her. She knows how to command respect without intimidation or manipulation. She walks away from anything or anyone that disrespects her. She is her own BOSS making executive decisions in every aspect of her life. She motivates others to live a full life by living her own. She is not selfish or self-absorbed, but she makes herself a priority every day.
She rids her life of clutter and confusion realizing excess is a result of a scarcity mindset. She realizes she needs others to fulfill her bigger than life dreams, but she refuses to allow them to limit her. She creates peace and harmony around herself so she can manifest the life she desires. She builds others because she knows what it feels like to be torn down. She refuses to entertain gossip or the belittling of other women. She never plays victim in any situation. She is a boss in all aspects. She hurts deep but rises stronger. She loves hard but gives it to those able to handle it. She takes care of her financial obligations. She realizes things do not mean happiness. She is never wasteful. She uses time to her advantage but is not consumed by it. She never walks away from a challenge. She stands up for herself making boundaries when necessary. She lets her YES be YES and her NO be NO! She is never indecisive because she moves with excellence not perfection. She does not chase attention. She does not beg for love or affection. She is a queen in every aspect.
Do I display every one of these qualities every day? NOPE! I still have moments where I am insecure, afraid and allow my past to block me from boldly conquering fears. BUT every day I move closer to what I view as an independent woman. Every day I make the declaration over myself that I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN! Everyday I show up for myself. Everyday I love myself a little deeper. Every day I forgive myself for what I didn’t realize. Every day I demand the respect I desire by giving it to myself first.
What is your description of an independent woman? How does she present herself? Are there areas in your own life you need to focus on and declare YOU ARE AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN? I’d love to hear about them.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 1, 2020 | Encouragement, Growth, purpose
You mean you have the AUDACITY to think you can do that? YES I DO!!
Growing up when someone would say “you have the ‘audacity’, I would cringe. I thought who was I to think it was okay? Who was I to go against the grain? Who was I to challenge the norm? Who did I think I was? NOW, as I grow, mature and heal; I realize having audacity is a GREAT thing!
As you look back over decisions you’ve made in your life, take time to evaluate them. Did you change the way you did things out of fear of how you would be seen or judged? As I lay this ‘brick’, please use it to build your AUDACITY muscle.
It’s important for you to establish a new mindset. For years you’ve been putting others before you, trying to accommodate their needs even feeling guilty when you didn’t measure up to their expectations. But what about your expectations? Don’t you matter? Don’t your desires and dreams matter? Shouldn’t you become a priority at least some of the time in your own life?
Here are three things to consider when building your ‘audacity muscle’:
- Let go of what was. You are no longer the little girl who had to do what she was instructed. You are no longer the teenager who felt the need to fit in with the crowd. You are no longer the scared woman afraid of how she will be viewed. You no longer have to live up to the expectations of others. You are a grown woman!
Let go of the need to identify yourself with who you were and embrace who you are becoming. ‘But I don’t want to stand out! WHY?’ You were NOT created to be mediocre. You were NOT created to look or act like everyone else. You were NOT created to just exist. You WERE created to be uniquely who you are. Embrace that.
Let go of the constant need to compare yourself to others. I’ve said it before and will say it again, NO ONE brags about their failures! In fact, no one EVER brags about their failures. They may post their mishaps but NEVER their failures. Read that again!
- Visualize NEWNESS! This year 2020 has made us all a little gun-shy about looking to far into the future; however, if you don’t visualize a different you, a new you, you will continue to revisit the past thinking that’s all you have. If you dream small you will be stuck with small dreams!
Do you find yourself limiting the people you hang around because you feel you just don’t measure up? Girlfriend! Your friends should challenge you and your dreams should scare you a little bit. If your dreams don’t make you pee on yourself a little, they aren’t big enough. DREAM BIGGER! Have the audacity! Then don’t stop until you achieve them!
- Make EVERYDAY matter. Did you have a routine prior to COVID-19? Dig it back out or create another one. Every successful person has a routine. Every unsuccessful person has a routine. You see where I’m going with that? Routines decide your tomorrow! If you don’t like the way today looks, change your routine into something that will push you into a better person.
Your entire life can be unrecognizable in 30 days just by changing your routine! Don’t believe me? Did you gain some #coronaweight? I bet you did! Why? Because you changed your routine! You weren’t moving as much as before. You weren’t eating as clean as before. You became laxed. And your body adjusted to the new behavior.
Get rid of time wasters, eliminate dream-killers! YES, these can be people! Remember you are the CEO of your life. You can decide who sits on your Board of Directors and who needs to be eliminated. Some of us have doubt, shame, guilt, and confusion as members of our BOD and wonder why our business (lives) aren’t growing! Get rid of the dream killers immediately!
According to Webster, AUDACITY is a willingness to take bold risk. I’ve taken it a little further, AUDACITY is an unhindered determination to do what you were told you couldn’t do. Even when it was YOU telling you! So, the next time someone says “you have the audacity to think you can do that?” Simply reply, “YES, I DO!” and move on!
I hope this brick helps you continue to create the life you love and stop just tolerating the life you were given.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jun 26, 2020 | Encouragement, Growth
There are times I struggle with feeling of NOT being ENOUGH! During these times, I tell myself I’m not doing enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not small enough. I’m not smart enough. That I should be further along in my journey. I think about how I wanted things to be and how they actually are. I think about things I should have or could have done differently. Things I could have said differently. I think about how I should have said YES when really wanted to or NO when I needed to. I think about how I wish I had spoken up for myself more. I think about how much I settled.
Then I think about the individuals that walked away after promising to always be there. I judge myself harshly when I fall back into the habit of putting the wants of others before my needs. Yea, read that again. I put the WANTS of others before my NEEDS! I criticize myself for not being further along in my recovery. I look at the seemingly successful lifestyle of others and measure myself against it. I isolate myself in hopes that no one will see just how NOT ENOUGH I am. I poke fun at every flaw I have until there is nothing left to poke at. I become impatient and sabotage myself with my words and my actions. I hide from anyone that could possibly see the destruction and call me out on it. I loathe myself in hopes it will help me find motivation to do better and be better.
In the words of Lori Deschene – “We cannot hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.”
I had to realize tearing myself apart, searching for small or large discrepancies (differences), comparing myself to others, measuring myself according to the fictitious images portrayed on social media was only causing more pain. Hadn’t I suffered enough? Hadn’t I felt enough pain? Hadn’t I experienced enough turmoil to last a lifetime? I can now say YES, I have! I was simply inflicting pain onto myself because I had become accustomed to feeling pain.
I hope you CANNOT relate to this… but I also know there is a possibility that at least one reader will relate.
When you find yourself deep in the hole of despair, self-hate or destruction, I need you to focus on these 6 principles.
- You are NOT there anymore. It’s so easy to get trapped in what was that we forget what IS. Our minds are muscles. They need to be stretched every day or they will go back to what’s comfortable. Unfortunately, as survivors, comfort is pain. But you aren’t there anymore. Stretch out of it!
- No one is PERFECT. Many times, we see ourselves as NOT enough because we are searching for perfection. We are looking for everything to be right! I shouldn’t feel this way! Says who? Recovery takes time and will NEVER be perfected! It just take consistency.
- Your mind is playing tricks on you. I already said the mind is a muscle. But it also is deceitful. Isn’t funny how you only remember the good things from that bad situation when you are doubting who you are? Your mind is fighting change. It’s okay. You don’t have to give into it. In fact, life is made up of choice on what to let go of and what to keep.
- ONE day at a time. We are constantly planning. This year has taught me plans mean NOTHING! Every plan I made for this year was changed. When you find yourself overwhelmed, stop and ask, “what can you do in the next few minutes to make things different?” then do it! ONE day at a time – that’s all can we do.
- It’s OKAY to not be okay. I hate when someone says “it’s gonna get better!” YES, it is but right now it doesn’t feel like it! You must be okay with NOT being okay and avoid people that make you feel like your NOT OKAYNESS is a crime! We ALL have moments. The thing is not to stay there and being around people that make you question your feelings, – NAH you can have that!
- Fantasies are NOT reality. Let’s be real, most of us are comparing the lies and facade we see on social media as reality. I don’t know about you but the picture you see on social media is NEVER the first picture I take. There is ALWAYS a retake. Stop looking at what people show you, as reality. IT NEVER IS!
We can always find something or someone to compare ourselves or our situation to. But I’ve learned that when I compare myself to others it takes me back to a place of discontentment, isolation and depression. I begin to do things that aren’t healthy for me mentally or physically. I settle for things that I would NEVER allow a friend to settle for. I shutdown when I need to stand the tallest. I am so critical of everything around me that it disgusts me. ALL because I’m comparing myself to someone else. Someone else’s fantasy!!
Did you know there is someone praying to be where you are right now? All they want is to get to the place you are RIGHT NOW! They are willing to give anything to be there. In fact, remember when you prayed to be where you are right now? Remember when you would have given anything to be right where you are?
You are enough! You are in a good place. You may not see it but the fact that you want more, is evidence you are not ready to give up quite yet and that my friend is when the transformation can begin.
Until NEXT time,
