This is an introduction to my new course, Establishing HER! See the outline here!
Yesterday, I began paint a picture of where the people pleasing and self-sabotaging behaviors ignited during my adulthood. Truthfully those behaviors began earlier in my childhood but again that’s not what this series is about!!
I ended yesterday’s series having just began another job where I was enjoying the changes that were occurring in me. I can’t say I was feeling confident or prideful, but I was on the way. It was during this time I wrote my first book. Even that was a surprise because it wasn’t supposed to be a book. It was bunch of thoughts I had written, and a friend read it and suggested I publish it. I shared it with another author and his critique caused me to delay the release of the book by 2 years. He told me it appeared I was bashing my then husband and that was not how “Christians” handled their problems.
It was also during this time, I attended a Forgiveness class and decided to allow my then husband to return to our home and work on our issues. Because I wanted to be a GOOD Christian! This return and my desire to “do the right thing” resulted in me resigning from yet another job. It posed too many issues in my marriage and my marriage was my duty! Being the bread winner, gave my then husband pride! It helped his self-esteem and self-worth. So, when he quit his nearly 6-figure income job, I couldn’t understand but quickly went and got a job to hold us over until he was able to secure employment. I hated this job!!! I was working as a cashier at a local craft store for $8 an hour. I created and sold crafts to supplement the income.
It would have appeared that I would have realized my potential at that point. Here I was taking care of the household, putting a child through college on $8 hour and a makeshift craft business!
After finances were re-established, I took a course that changed everything! I became certified as a life coach. I had no idea what I was going to do with the certification. I had no idea at all! I began doing workshops and vision board parties. I began promoting my book. I began taking pride in myself again. By this time all my kids were either grown or in college except one. I had a little freedom to try and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. The abuse was very subtle at this point and I continued to turn my back on the infidelity.
I gave a workshop for a local women’s ministry on abuse that changed my life forever!!! For the first time in my life, I was able to see clearly….
This was part of a 4-day email series I ran to introduce my new self-guided course. The course outline can be seen here.
The life I’m living now is NOT the life I thought I would be living! But has turned out to be the best life EVER!
Until approximately 5 years ago, my only desire in life was to be a mom and wife. NOTHING more! You see, I grew up in the age where a girl got married, had kids, possibly got job and lived! And for most my life that’s what I did and it was enough. It actually was more than enough! It was my duty! It was my “calling”! I was good! But then…..
Let’s take a trip together. Although I had my first child in high school, I was determined to get some college in! I would be the first in my family to go to college and well, everyone was happy and proud. So surely that was what I was supposed to do. Rebellion and my desire to maintain the relationship with the father of my child resulted in me packing my belongs and moving into an apartment with him. You can read all about those shenanigans in my book, “What You’re Hiding is Hindering Your Blessings”. Because that’s not what this series is about.
I remember my first “real job” was with a local municipality. It was a real good job. Great benefits, excellent pay and opportunity for growth. But it posed a problem between me and the father of my two kids. I was making more than him and that was NOT allowed (wish someone had told me it WAS allowed!) When my then supervisor left, I was told to train the person that would become my new BOSS! Instead of fighting for the position for myself, I did as I was told because I didn’t want to offend anyone. I went complaining to my then husband and at his prompting, resigned from that job and began helping him manage a restaurant. That job turned into “owning” our own restaurant and catering business. Needless to say, that was a lot of work! And by this time, I had five kids! A husband in ministry and was co-lead in a very vibrant and active youth ministry.
In spite of all of this, finances began to take a turn and additional funds were needed in the house. So being the good wife, I got a job. This job required me to be away from the home and took a lot of my attention away from my family. Although I enjoyed my job and felt the return of the confidence and pride I experienced during the job with the municipality, it exposed a lot of abusive behaviors in our marriage and family. Determined to fight for my marriage, I resigned from that job hoping it would save a very damaged relationship.
My self-esteem dragged the floor during these years. There was much toxicity, abuse and infidelity in my marriage, but I was determined and willing to do anything to save my marriage! Even turn my back as if it wasn’t happening.
Several years of this behavior resulted in a temporary separation requiring me to return to workforce. But this time was different. During the separation something happened! I started hanging out with women that motivated me and encouraged me. They spoke highly of me and prompted me to take on bigger assignments. I began to establish a name for myself in my work position. The verbal put-downs and negativity that I had become accustomed to daily had stopped! And something was happening on the inside of me!!! Could this be the return of my confidence and self-worth?
I wish I could say that was the turning point, but it WASN’T – tune in tomorrow as I tell you what happened next!
I started this blog so many times and deleted it because y’all have this grand expectation of me to do the spectacular, never bend and definitely never break. Or at least that’s what I think. But let me tell you this has been a year of bending, demolishing and rebuilding over and over again. A couple weeks ago I received a message from a young lady saying how something I’d said encouraged her to remove her mask and I knew I could not stop. I could not withhold my feelings. I could not allow this moment to pass and be sweep under the rug like so many other things.
Although 2018 came in with a blast full of excitement and opportunities, the last three months were full of difficulty. My emotions were all over the place and if I had to be honest, I can’t remember NOT crying during that time.
When you’ve been given an assignment and you decide to take it on, it cost you! It cost a lot! I’ve heard people say “Wow, you bounced back good” “You are so strong” “You make it look so easy” “Girl, how did you do it?” “How do you feel about it”. I wanted to scream this SHIT ain’t easy!!! It hurts like HELL! But then I remember that’s not how a Godly, honorable woman should speak so I say it anyway!
I had to realize those people I was trying to save face for were also facing demons as well. They have hurts and struggles. But more importantly they can NOT tell me how I feel, what I should feel or when I should no longer feel it!!!
This year I had to fight two large companies to save my mother’s home because they were trying to take advantage of an elderly women slowly battling dementia. While speaking to a group about domestic violence, hurts from my own nightmare can flooding back with vengeance. And although the pain was there, I still had shameful cravings for the man that hurt me in ways you couldn’t imagine. Not because it was so good but because it was horrible! But because it was comfortable and familiar and I was afraid of walking an unfamiliar road alone. Having people reach out thinking there were coming to help me only to use me for what they thought they could get from me. Listening to “loved ones”, you know those well-meaning family and friends, ask you when you are going to start dating again, when the hold time your heart is still torn apart from the demise of your 30-year marriage and the whack job you thought was there to replace him. Having memories thrown in your face through social media of how just 2 years ago you were celebrating and rejoicing in said marriage only to wake up one morning to a social media announcement that he had remarried. And while dealing with your own hurt you have to console your child who is battling his own hurts as a result of the divorce not to mention the unhealthy behaviors of his parents towards each other. Yet you have the saints telling you “God is going to fix it! It will be okay. Pray about it, God will work it out” Again I just wanted to yell SHUT UP and add a lot of ungodly words with it!
But then I because I refuse to let people see the hurt behind
the smile, I would keep pushing, keep posting inspiration, keep encouraging and
keep coaching. But inside I was torn to pieces. To say a mess was an
understatement and while doing all of this I decided to focus on my health and
take some an appetite suppressant because all the emotions had caused me to relapse
and I was starting to binge eat again. Well those meds caused an extreme
emotional imbalance. I could be smiling one minute and crying the next. If I slept
more than 3 hours at a time it was a miracle. I couldn’t concentrate and was
extremely depressed. I even remember posting about it and one of my “saint-friends”
telling me that I was messing up my brand and distorting my faith. Could she
not see I needed help? I was struggling!!!
What happen to the jolly person that burst into 2018 full of hope and aspirations? What happen to that woman that was so confident that it really didn’t matter what her ex was doing? What happened to the woman that was so strong she decided to go NO contact while she healed (which is why I had no idea about this relationship)? What happened to the woman that had vowed to walk in her purpose and allow nothing to distract her? Where was she? What happened to her? Then it dawned on me… she never stopped to heal! She never stopped to feel! She had listened to everyone else tell her how she should feel! She stopped listening to what she wanted and what she needed. That’s when I stopped took a moment to breath, I could not continue this rollercoaster ride. If I got off before I could get off again. I pulled out my coaching resources and took myself on as a client. It was hard. I was in complete and total denial. I was broken. I was filled with hurt and desperate to be loved but I knew I had to fight this battle just me and GOD! If not I would always be looking for someone to pull me out of it.
Do I still have my moments? YES!! But nothing as drastic as
it was. The holidays begged me to get on the ride but I declined and found
other things to occupy my time. When I felt the emotions forming, I acknowledged
them but I refused to let them control me. I knew God did NOT bring me through
hell to die trying to live. If I have to take one day at a time, I’m willing to
do it!
I write this with tears rolling down my face. A woman broken by life’s circumstances and being put back together by God’s love, again! But I’m so glad he allow me to bring those pieces as many time as I need to. I, also, write this because you may be feeling some of the things mentioned in this blog and wondering “Why me?” “What’s next?” You may be frustrated from the isolation and trying to figure out what to do next.
Well the first step is to STOP! Stop denying what you’re feeling! Stop thinking something is
wrong with you for feeling what every it is. Then ask yourself what can you do
to change it and what do you need to allow God to change. Then the ultimate task
is to be okay with the answer. You are
human! You can hurt! You can be offended! You can even get mad! The thing is
you CANNOT stay there.
From one wounded soul to another, WE will get through this! It will just take a little more time.
A night with a sexual or physical assault victim can take an advocate or survivor down a very dark path if they aren’t careful. But it can also be a gentle reminder of their own strength and help them fight another day. It may give them courage to speak truth despite the fears that rage inside or it can quiet them and cause them to get lost in their own hurt and pain. Advocates struggle with memories, too!
Every survivor that I’ve encountered have memories. But each memory tends to be covered with grace. Although the memories hurt, they find a way to soften the reality somehow. Time does not help. Time will play tricks in the mind of a survivor and prompt them to disassociate from reality. Many will begin to replace ‘the bad times” with “the not so bad times” and “the not so bad times” with “the good times” eventually asking themselves “what was all the fuse about?” I’m convinced this is the body’s way of helping process what has happened in a way that is less invasive and tormenting.
Regardless of how long I advocate and work with victims and survivors of abuse, there is something about responding to a sexual or physical assault call that makes my heart sink, my stomach knot up and brief flashbacks of my own abuse take over my thoughts. Those first few minutes after the person identifies their self and
what they are calling about, I freeze. And on the ride to the location, I fight to stay present and not replay my own abuse or the feelings of guilt and shame associated with it. It’s because of those moments I’ve questioned if I should be advocate. But I now know that it is because of my experience that I make a great advocate.
One would say why would you feel guilty or shamed? Well, you clearly have never been a victim of abuse or in a toxic relationship. Those feelings for me were drilled into my psyche. I was told over and over how his behavior was my fault. How by talking about it I was bringing shame to the family and to God. How I needed to get thicker skin. The shame for me, was because I felt I wasn’t living up to the expectations that was established for me. I didn’t know it was abuse; it had become my norm.
Last night, as I sat with that young lady, looking at her bruised covered body, the sound of her saying “I should have known better. I should have listened to my gut”. Then to hear her conversation switch to “I shouldn’t have made him so mad. It’s all my fault”, triggered an anger inside of me. It was the anger I never allowed myself to feel against my own abuser. I had a quick flash back of standing in front of the judge as he said to me “I can see the bruises from here, but I need you to tell me what happened.” Full of fear my words became stuck between my voice box and my mouth. Nothing would come out and the longer I stood there the more embarrassed I felt for allowing this to happen. Yet the fear of what would happen if I said anything overtook me. I struggled with how I would be viewed. How he would be viewed. What if they took my kids. What if he got so mad that he left, I didn’t a job. How would I take care of my kids? What if the next time it was worse. What if a restraining order only made him madder. What if, what if.… Had it not been for the domestic violence advocate I would have stood right there and talked myself out of requesting the restraining order.
When I looked in the eyes of this young lady, I could see the fear as you struggled to make a very hard decision of pressing charges. My heart broke for her because I understood it so well. You just want the nightmare to be over. You are even willing to take an “I’m sorry” even though you know you had heard it before.
My job is not to convince that woman to leave. Although I’m going to do my very best to, my job is to stand beside her and support her decision. My job is help her see her value and understand no one has a right to hit her and make feel less than. Finding her worth hardly ever happens that night but to know that someone heard her and supports her decision is life changing.
I still struggle with sharing parts of my story and I don’t always see my own worth. But with each day and each victim I speak with, I see the purpose in what I went through and why it’s so important for me to share my story. My abuser cannot hurt me anymore. My self-worth is stronger than the fear I have of him. The desire to help others is more important than what someone who refuses to see the truth thinks of me. Knowing that I have helped someone find their voice makes mine stronger. No more victim! No more shame! No more guilt! At least not until the next the call and it pushes me even harder to stand up for those that don’t have the strength to stand up for themselves. At least not yet!
The voices were so loud! They seemed to be screaming at me. They intimidated me! Reminding me of all the times I failed. Reminding me of how people laughed at me when I failed. Reminding me of all the people waiting for me to fail. Reminding me of how I felt when I failed. I could NOT get them out of my head! They were so loud, it felt like a herd of cattle running back and forth in my mind.
Then I heard a still voice. A voice that said ‘YOU can do it’. A voice that said, ‘if YOU don’t, who will’. A voice reminding me how I prayed someone had spoken up for me and that NOW I have an opportunity to speak up for myself. A voice reminding me that NO one can stop my progress but me. A voice reminding me there is no failure, just an opportunity to do it better. A voice reminding me if I don’t try, I’ve already failed. A voice reminding me that the only view that matters is my own. A voice reminding me that I am the expert in my own life. A voice reminding me that by speaking up, I give permission for others to do the same. A voice reminding me of how awesome I am because I tried.
There comes a time when you must JUST DO IT ANYWAY! In the midst of your fears – do it anyway! While feeling incapable – do it anyway! When it doesn’t quite make sense – do it anyway! When it appears you’re all alone – go ahead DO IT ANYWAY!
Your life was NOT created to be a spectator sport. It was created to be an example of what can happen if you DO IT ANYWAY! It’s time to quiet the loud voices so you can hear the still small voice that matters.
The journey to recovery (whatever that recovery is in your life) can feel like an emotional roller coaster. One day you’re up, the next day you’re down. And at any moment, memories can lead you down a path of regret, fear and disbelief or send you dancing in the rain as you remember how free you feel from all the despair and pain.
One of the major battles can be trying to decide what you are feeling! Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you mad? Maybe it’s excitement. Nah, that must be fear! For me the mere freedom to “feel” anything was overwhelming. I had lived in denial for so long, I didn’t know how to step away from it.
Determined to get off the roller coaster of emotions, I began reading self-help books and talking to my therapist. I even called some of my coaching friends for advice. I had the saints to pray. I went on a spiritual fast. I was tired of the roller coaster and I wanted OFF!
Sadly, regardless of which source I decided to listen to (because you know we always listen to the one that tell us what we want to hear), the instructions were the same. Face your fears and deal with the “stuff”. Stop running from the inevitable. “Eat the cake Anna Mae”! I had to climb the hill. I had to go up the mountain.
They weren’t telling me anything different from what I told my own clients. Heck, they weren’t telling me anything I hadn’t told myself (remember I talk to myself on a regular). I just didn’t want to deal with it. I wanted to pack it away and hope it would eventually go away. It seems the more “stuff” I dealt with the more “stuff” showed up. The memories I had suppressed were scary and filled with pain and heartache. I didn’t want to deal with that mess. I just wanted to act like it never happened!!! And here it was starring me in my face – like it paid my bills. Actually, it did because I couldn’t move forward until I dealt with all this crap!!!
When I finally stopped procrastinating and avoiding my truth, I realized I was the one hindering my own progress. It wasn’t what other people had done to me. It was my need to hide the pain and fear. It was my need to be in control of the situation. It was fear that was robbing me from my happiness!!
I had allowed fear and denial to keep me from experiencing joy and happiness. From living a life of hope and joy. Dang!! I had to stop blaming everyone else and square up with the person in the mirror. I did it! Yep, all me! Nobody else! I was the one holding myself back.
Well I dug in head first and slowly replaced the insecurities with confidence. I started dancing in the rain. I started to enjoy life. I laughed more. I took risk because I refuse to allow fear to lead me around in shackles. Do I still find myself on the roller coaster? YEP!! Sure, I do but I’ve learn to appreciate the ride. I realize when the ride seems scary, it’s me refusing to go to the next level. Yet every level I tackle increases my confidence and trust in myself and the decisions I make. My self-worth is no longer contingent on what others think of me. It’s based on what I believe about myself. Is it hard? YES!! I will never lie to you. There are days I just want to be by myself and cry and that’s what I do. Then there are days I really need to be around my friends and love on each other and we do that very well (sometimes too well-see about last night).
I’ve learned not to allow the roller coaster ride to scare me. In all honesty, it was the scariest rides that I can attest to saving my life. Taking the climb allowed me to look at the world from a different view. It wasn’t always pretty but the view from the top was breath-taking and freeing. Well just like with any roller coaster ride you can’t stay at the top for long but that ride down. Babeeee it allowed me to lift my hands above my head, scream at the top of my lungs as the wind blew through my hair and rejoice because once again I made it through the ride of my life.
