by Coach Tina | Aug 17, 2020 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, purpose
You may not believe it but there really is a difference between having a “right” and having “permission”. A right to do something comes from justice, law or reason. Permission comes from authorization and consent. Let’s dig deeper.
You have the right to live your life however you decide as long as it’s lawful. You have a right to get married or not get married. You have a right to interact or “entangle” with whomever you would like. You have a right to go to school and get any kind of degree you want. You have the right to vote. You have the right to carry a gun. You have a right to have a baby.
Permission is a little different. Although the law says you can marry whomever you want, certain religions go against same sex marriages or marrying someone who does not have the same beliefs as you do. If you subscribe to those religious beliefs, you may feel you don’t have “permission” to marry whomever you desire. You have the right to go to school but if you don’t pay the tuition, you do not have permission to take the courses. You have a right to have a gun but if you have mental health issues, you will not be issued a permit. You will NOT have lawful permission to obtain a weapon. There is a difference between rights and permissions.
Many live a life where their permission has been stripped away because of their own limiting beliefs, past hurts, and abusive situations. Many will never pursue opportunities because they don’t feel they have the right or permission to do so.
I have seen women remain in abusive relationships because they did not feel they had permission to speak up against what they were experiencing or permission to leave. I’ve seen people remain on a job without significant financial gain because they don’t feel they have permission to ask for a raise. I have seen people walk away from an opportunity because they don’t feel they have permission to obtain it. I have watched people give up on their dreams because they never saw anyone else do what they desired and felt they didn’t have permission to go after that dream.
Give yourself PERMISSION to go after anything and everything your heart desires. Life only holds back those that cannot permit themselves from going after what they want.
When you give yourself permission, you take away the restraints other can place on you.
- Give yourself permission to be happy.
- Give yourself permission to choose.
- Give yourself permission to forgive.
- Give yourself permission to walk away.
- Give yourself permission to heal.
- Give yourself permission to be who you want to be.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 1, 2020 | Encouragement, Growth, purpose
You mean you have the AUDACITY to think you can do that? YES I DO!!
Growing up when someone would say “you have the ‘audacity’, I would cringe. I thought who was I to think it was okay? Who was I to go against the grain? Who was I to challenge the norm? Who did I think I was? NOW, as I grow, mature and heal; I realize having audacity is a GREAT thing!
As you look back over decisions you’ve made in your life, take time to evaluate them. Did you change the way you did things out of fear of how you would be seen or judged? As I lay this ‘brick’, please use it to build your AUDACITY muscle.
It’s important for you to establish a new mindset. For years you’ve been putting others before you, trying to accommodate their needs even feeling guilty when you didn’t measure up to their expectations. But what about your expectations? Don’t you matter? Don’t your desires and dreams matter? Shouldn’t you become a priority at least some of the time in your own life?
Here are three things to consider when building your ‘audacity muscle’:
- Let go of what was. You are no longer the little girl who had to do what she was instructed. You are no longer the teenager who felt the need to fit in with the crowd. You are no longer the scared woman afraid of how she will be viewed. You no longer have to live up to the expectations of others. You are a grown woman!
Let go of the need to identify yourself with who you were and embrace who you are becoming. ‘But I don’t want to stand out! WHY?’ You were NOT created to be mediocre. You were NOT created to look or act like everyone else. You were NOT created to just exist. You WERE created to be uniquely who you are. Embrace that.
Let go of the constant need to compare yourself to others. I’ve said it before and will say it again, NO ONE brags about their failures! In fact, no one EVER brags about their failures. They may post their mishaps but NEVER their failures. Read that again!
- Visualize NEWNESS! This year 2020 has made us all a little gun-shy about looking to far into the future; however, if you don’t visualize a different you, a new you, you will continue to revisit the past thinking that’s all you have. If you dream small you will be stuck with small dreams!
Do you find yourself limiting the people you hang around because you feel you just don’t measure up? Girlfriend! Your friends should challenge you and your dreams should scare you a little bit. If your dreams don’t make you pee on yourself a little, they aren’t big enough. DREAM BIGGER! Have the audacity! Then don’t stop until you achieve them!
- Make EVERYDAY matter. Did you have a routine prior to COVID-19? Dig it back out or create another one. Every successful person has a routine. Every unsuccessful person has a routine. You see where I’m going with that? Routines decide your tomorrow! If you don’t like the way today looks, change your routine into something that will push you into a better person.
Your entire life can be unrecognizable in 30 days just by changing your routine! Don’t believe me? Did you gain some #coronaweight? I bet you did! Why? Because you changed your routine! You weren’t moving as much as before. You weren’t eating as clean as before. You became laxed. And your body adjusted to the new behavior.
Get rid of time wasters, eliminate dream-killers! YES, these can be people! Remember you are the CEO of your life. You can decide who sits on your Board of Directors and who needs to be eliminated. Some of us have doubt, shame, guilt, and confusion as members of our BOD and wonder why our business (lives) aren’t growing! Get rid of the dream killers immediately!
According to Webster, AUDACITY is a willingness to take bold risk. I’ve taken it a little further, AUDACITY is an unhindered determination to do what you were told you couldn’t do. Even when it was YOU telling you! So, the next time someone says “you have the audacity to think you can do that?” Simply reply, “YES, I DO!” and move on!
I hope this brick helps you continue to create the life you love and stop just tolerating the life you were given.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jan 31, 2020 | Encouragement, Growth, purpose, Relationships
It happened just like that… sitting here minding my own business and he jumps in my inbox! This fine specimen of a man. Fine is a bit of an understatement. He is gorgeous! Carmel brown, nice trimmed beard, balled head, full lips, beautiful smile, 6 feet tall, muscular body, Master’s degree, management, loves to travel, looking a woman to spoil…. Yes baby, here I AM! And then the ball drops! He has a 5-year-old daughter that lives with him! I know! I feel the exact same way….. pure disappointment!!
Why is God playing with my emotions? And no, I’m not sharing his profile with any of y’all! If I can’t date him y’all ain’t either! Cause then I will have to come hang out at your house just to see him! LOL
Boundaries are never easy! But one of mine as I entertain the idea of dating with purpose, is not dating anyone with young kids. Having spent the last 31 years of my life responsible for the daily needs of someone, I have decided I need a break from any type of “child rearing”. I’ve also determined my butt is spoiled. I have NEVER thought about my need to be loved, appreciated, cherished or made a priority as spoiled. But it IS! First step is admittance! I also never thought those things were at the top of my list of needs, but they are! I NEED those things and I want them from a man that can give them to me without restriction. So, I had to be honest with myself – my needs are probably not going to be met by a man with a young child especially one that he has full custody of. So, the boundary was set! But whew baby! Let me go look at that picture one more time…
Do you have areas in your life that you NEED to set some boundaries around? Here are some signs you lack boundaries.
- You find yourself making too many grand sacrifices for others at your own expense
- You feel guilty when others aren’t happy (as if it’s you’re responsible for their happiness)
- You say “yes” when you want to say “no”
- You feel guilty for dedicating time to yourself
- You feel others take you and/or your time for granted
- You are out of touch with your needs
- You are concerned about what other people think of you
- You attract people that are emotionally unavailable, controlling or domineering
I see you nodding your head! You are NOT alone. Most women do not have good boundaries! We have been conditioned to cater to the needs of others. From day one we were taught to care for someone else before we cared for ourselves. Think about when you were introduced to a baby doll. You were told, “here is your baby. Make sure you take care of her”.
Well now it’s time to take care of you. What do you need? What do you desire? What do you deserve? If you are having problems setting boundaries, please reach out I would be glad to work with you.
Now let me look at this picture one more time and delete this profile. No need to have a temptation staring in my face!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jan 7, 2020 | Growth, purpose
Everyone is adamant that 2020 will be “THEIR YEAR”! But what the heck does that even mean? Let’s be real didn’t we say that last year? Yes shade thrown!!
We were determined NOT to have another year like the year before. Determine to make the changes that we’ve been wanting for the last 5 years. Determine NOT to continue the path we’ve been on forever and a day. YEP! We all said it! This year WILL BE DIFFERENT – this will be MY YEAR! Only to get to December and realize there was NO significant changes.
Well let me throw a little bit more shade – get your sunglasses! That was NOT my story. Last year was phenomenal. I learned so much about myself and I’ve shared it with you in different formats and on different platforms. But in case you aren’t following me and just happened to stumble across this blog post – let me tell you!
2019 was a really good year! Actually, the last couple years have been really good and I’m expecting 2020 to be even better. Could there be another book? Could there be a YouTube channel? Could there be an additional conference? Could there be some more weight loss? Could there be a committed relationship? Could there be a move? I don’t know but I am ready for it all.
One of the things I do every year is choose a word to focus on. Last year was no different. My word(s) was POWER MOVES! Boy, did I make some big power moves. I stepped out of my comfort zone. Like really jumped! I will share those in another blog but for now I want to help you find your word for the year.
5 Steps to your word:
- REFLECT – reflect on last year. I mean really think hard about what you like and didn’t like. What you could have done different and what you enjoyed doing. Now think about what you would like to have more of. What would you like less of. How do you REALLY feel after that reflection? Are you happy, sad, excited, tired? What would you like to feel?
- VISUALIZE – Now I want you to imagine if you could “feel” that way every day! Fulfilled, satisfied, inspired, joyful, happy, loved, encouraged, empowered. Did you feel a peace come over you as you thought about those feelings? If not, girl, go read that list again! Because that’s how you want to feel! NO stress. NO anxiety. NO regrets. Just you doing the things that make you happy! But what’s keeping you from feeling like that?
- CREATE A LIST – create a list of all the things you THINK are keeping you from feeling that way. NO self-editing. Just make a list. Here are some things you can think about. Lack of confidence, willpower, the how-to, determination, support, productivity. Are you fearful, doubtful, scared? Do you lack support? What’s hindering you?
- REVIEW and REFINE – Now look at all the things that are hindering you. Is there a pattern? Write down words that show up consistently. Narrow this list down to 3 words. Which word provides an opportunity for growth. Which word makes you excited, nervous, scared or uncomfortable? Guess what? THAT’S YOUR WORD!
Remember when I said my word for 2019 was POWER MOVES – I had to stop playing small. I had to do things that would prevent me from returning to the OLD WAY of doing things I had to put myself out on front street, be accountable. I had to make some moves that would scare the HELL out of me. I had to do some things that would make me look at myself differently. And believe me every time I turned around, I was placed in position to were I HAD to show up.
- IT’S MORE THAN A WORD – Ask yourself one last question: Can you commit to this word? Can you lean into the changes required to make this word come alive in your life? If so, you have created the word for the year.
Take a moment and share you word with me in the comments. Write a post on social media and tag me with the #wordoftheyear. Join the facebook group where you can see the video, I made that talks about this process. What ever you decide… just create word for the year so you can have a place of reference when things seem funny and unmanageable. Remember YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 18, 2019 | Bible Challenge, Growth, purpose
Sometimes I think I do too much!! I tell too much! I think it comes off as complaining or attention seeking! THEN I will hear from one of you and how my story has given you courage to fight another day. Given you permission to say NO. Encouraged you to try again. Reminded you that you are not alone.
That’s what your story should do! It should encourage others to want to be better, to do better, and to help others. You didn’t go through what you went through just to experience it. You went through it to show up as a survivor, as a warrior. To show up victoriously!
God allowed you to survive because HE knew HE could trust you with what you learned.
Truth of the matter – wanting to shy away from my story and hide behind the mask is exactly what my abusers want me to do. Speaking out meant they can no longer control me. Speaking out meant I can heal from what afflicted me.
Every time I share my story I get stronger. A link in the chain of bondage breaks. Every time I speak on abuse or encourage another woman, I’m reminded I’m no longer in that situation and I have something to celebrate.
I’m not going to lie; it’s not easy telling it! I tend to shy away from the parts that haunt me at night. There are times I look in the mirror and can see that woman who didn’t believe she was enough. Every now and then I see that woman that believed she did something to deserve what happened to her. But then I look myself in the eyes and say:
YOU MADE IT! YOU SURVIVED! YOU ARE AMAZING! YOU ARE ENOUGH! YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!
YES, I talk to myself! It helps erase the memories of being told I wasn’t enough. That I would never be enough. That something was wrong with me. I get through the dark by remembering to be the light!
You are called to be a light in this world. (Matthew 5:14) I’ve never seen a light shrink or fade because someone didn’t like it. Do you think the sun would hide because someone said it was too bright? Do you think a light bulb would cut itself off because someone didn’t like its color? Girl, please! Remember the ones that are tired of hearing your voice, are the ones that tried to silence it in the first place. Speak louder! Let them know they can’t control you or your healing.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jun 20, 2019 | Abuse, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, purpose
Rest, if you must, but don’t quit. Edgar Quest
Let’s be real sometimes rest just don’t seem like enough! If you’ve ever been emotionally or mentally tired, your understanding of that statement surpasses one who is physically tired. When you are physically tired, a nap usually does the trick. But when you add emotions into the equation, a nap is just not enough. But what do you do?
June has been a deep dive into “Persevere: Don’t Quit!”Let me tell you – I have been challenged, pulled, and pushed all around with this one. I’ve wanted to yell, cry, scream and yes even cuss a few people out. I wanted to tell them what I really thought about them and how I could see right through them and their tricks. I could see how they were manipulative and self-centered. I wanted to let them know how what they said and did hurt my feelings. I wanted to yell I am enough with or without them. I wanted to let them know that the silent treatment no longer works on me. I wanted to let them know they no longer had control over me. AND THEN…. I realized a few things!
- They didn’t deserve that kind of energy from me. (energy is everything)
- I just wanted to prove a point. (never good)
- I was looking to validate how I felt by making them look at me. (they could care less)
- I was ACTUALLY allowing their mistreatment to affect me by dwelling on it. (doing exactly what they wanted)
- Their behavior was typical of an abuser and I shouldn’t be surprised. (get yo life)
- Everyone must answer to their own behavior and as much as I wanted, I could NEVER make a person change. (they ain’t changing)
- I was responsible for how I responded NOT why the person did what they did. (prioritize)
- I had to do more than just warn people of misbehavior, I had to show them what it looked like. And more importantly how to protect yourself from it. (get in position)
I found myself in a dilemma: FIGHT OR QUIT! Well I ain’t NO QUITTER! I knew what I had to do but not sure how to do it. I didn’t want it to look like I was whining. I didn’t want it to look like I was bitter. And I definitely didn’t want to look like a PUNK! I could NOT sit back and watch people I cared about be torn apart by wounded vindictive predators. I had to own my story! I had to get over the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). I had to stand up and fight. I had to take back the control I had given away. I had to stop being afraid of what people would say. I put my gloves on because ONE thing I’ve learned people are going to talk so why not give them a good story to tell.
I’m not sure how this all will look but now that I’ve rested, it’s time to FIGHT! Fight for myself. Fight for other women. Fight for those that aren’t aware. Fight for those who are aware but afraid to admit what they know. Fight for our little girls!! Our little girls SHOULD NEVER have to experience abuse, insecurity, bullying or mishandling! They will KNOW who they are! They will know how to fight! They will know it’s okay to rest but never quit!
This isn’t JUST about abuse from a man. This is abuse from all toxic people!!! I look forward to you joining in for the ride. Make sure to drop your comments, questions or concerns below. If there are topic you want me to cover leave those as well. But whatever you do, DO NOT QUIT! You are in the fight for your life. Put on those boxing gloves and let’s go!
Until Next Time,
