by Coach Tina | Nov 5, 2018 | Abuse, Fear, Growth, purpose
A night with a sexual or physical assault victim can take an advocate or survivor down a very dark path if they aren’t careful. But it can also be a gentle reminder of their own strength and help them fight another day. It may give them courage to speak truth despite the fears that rage inside or it can quiet them and cause them to get lost in their own hurt and pain. Advocates struggle with memories, too!
Every survivor that I’ve encountered have memories. But each memory tends to be covered with grace. Although the memories hurt, they find a way to soften the reality somehow. Time does not help. Time will play tricks in the mind of a survivor and prompt them to disassociate from reality. Many will begin to replace ‘the bad times” with “the not so bad times” and “the not so bad times” with “the good times” eventually asking themselves “what was all the fuse about?” I’m convinced this is the body’s way of helping process what has happened in a way that is less invasive and tormenting.
Regardless of how long I advocate and work with victims and survivors of abuse, there is something about responding to a sexual or physical assault call that makes my heart sink, my stomach knot up and brief flashbacks of my own abuse take over my thoughts. Those first few minutes after the person identifies their self and
what they are calling about, I freeze. And on the ride to the location, I fight to stay present and not replay my own abuse or the feelings of guilt and shame associated with it. It’s because of those moments I’ve questioned if I should be advocate. But I now know that it is because of my experience that I make a great advocate.
One would say why would you feel guilty or shamed? Well, you clearly have never been a victim of abuse or in a toxic relationship. Those feelings for me were drilled into my psyche. I was told over and over how his behavior was my fault. How by talking about it I was bringing shame to the family and to God. How I needed to get thicker skin. The shame for me, was because I felt I wasn’t living up to the expectations that was established for me. I didn’t know it was abuse; it had become my norm.
Last night, as I sat with that young lady, looking at her bruised covered body, the sound of her saying “I should have known better. I should have listened to my gut”. Then to hear her conversation switch to “I shouldn’t have made him so mad. It’s all my fault”, triggered an anger inside of me. It was the anger I never allowed myself to feel against my own abuser. I had a quick flash back of standing in front of the judge as he said to me “I can see the bruises from here, but I need you to tell me what happened.” Full of fear my words became stuck between my voice box and my mouth. Nothing would come out and the longer I stood there the more embarrassed I felt for allowing this to happen. Yet the fear of what would happen if I said anything overtook me. I struggled with how I would be viewed. How he would be viewed. What if they took my kids. What if he got so mad that he left, I didn’t a job. How would I take care of my kids? What if the next time it was worse. What if a restraining order only made him madder. What if, what if.… Had it not been for the domestic violence advocate I would have stood right there and talked myself out of requesting the restraining order.
When I looked in the eyes of this young lady, I could see the fear as you struggled to make a very hard decision of pressing charges. My heart broke for her because I understood it so well. You just want the nightmare to be over. You are even willing to take an “I’m sorry” even though you know you had heard it before.
My job is not to convince that woman to leave. Although I’m going to do my very best to, my job is to stand beside her and support her decision. My job is help her see her value and understand no one has a right to hit her and make feel less than. Finding her worth hardly ever happens that night but to know that someone heard her and supports her decision is life changing.
I still struggle with sharing parts of my story and I don’t always see my own worth. But with each day and each victim I speak with, I see the purpose in what I went through and why it’s so important for me to share my story. My abuser cannot hurt me anymore. My self-worth is stronger than the fear I have of him. The desire to help others is more important than what someone who refuses to see the truth thinks of me. Knowing that I have helped someone find their voice makes mine stronger. No more victim! No more shame! No more guilt! At least not until the next the call and it pushes me even harder to stand up for those that don’t have the strength to stand up for themselves. At least not yet!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Aug 29, 2018 | Focus, Growth, Highlights, purpose
Meet Alicia!
Alicia came to BuildHER Life Coaching after signing up to be a vendor at the 2017 HELP Conference. Because of health issues, she was unable to attend but stayed connected to Tina via social media. She quietly followed for a few months before making post comments and engaging in the monthly bible challenges. She began to see a change in her overall perspective but wanted more. When the Declutter and Live Challenge opened, Alicia knew she wanted to be a part and signed up immediately. According to her, “the challenged changed her life”.
Alicia was one of many that was good at setting goals even making small steps to accomplish them but would easily become distracted by outside stressors or health issues and get off track. Determined “to complete something” and “make this time different”, Alicia dug in deep, focused on doing the work, completed each group challenge and followed the instructions provided in the coaching sessions.
Her first physical connection was attending the SisterTalk Group. Although she had seen a dramatic change in her life by interacting with the group on social media, she wanted more. The group helped Alicia to see she was not alone in this fight to change her life and the importance of connecting with other women.
Eager for more, Alicia purchased Tina’s book “What You’re Hiding is Hindering Your Blessing” and well here are her words: I hadn’t even finished reading the 3rd chapter and I knew I had to make a change and it was up to me to do it! OMG! Thank you for allowing God to use you. There is indeed an anointing on your life. I had a spiritual and emotional break thru this morning, and I am convinced it happened because I was willing to get some of the clutter out of my life. I know now that I’m not created to be the Energizer Bunny–may sound silly. However, for about 15 years I have tried to do so much and was in direct disobedience to God by not resting and taking care of myself. I would go and go and go for others, and then watch as those same people criticized me for not doing enough or doing things their way. Now, I will not be the Energizer Bunny any more. I will be my energetic, servant-hearted self, but no longer at the expense of my own health and relationships. God is working on me ~Hallelujah!
After working several years in day care services, Alicia is now serving as the NEW Day Care Director at WeeCare Child Care in Fuquay-Varina!! She enjoys going to the beach with her friends, and growing her Thirty-One Business. But more than anything she’s excited to have gotten her health back track by putting herself first. She tore down her wall and is now building her masterpiece.
HELP Conference 2018 – October 13th Get tickets here
by Coach Tina | Mar 31, 2018 | Abuse, Encouragement, Focus, Gratitude, Growth, More Abundant Series, purpose
As I lay here thinking about life, there are things that make me sad but more that make me extremely happy. There was a time I lived in denial and truly believed I had to accept what life offered because some way some how it was all I deserved. I’ve since pushed those thoughts away and called them what they are LIES!
I realize accepting less than you desire is NOT how life works. I don’t have to settle. I don’t have to accept what life offers me. I can decide what is good or bad. What I keep and what I let go of. I decide what makes me happy or sad. But more importantly when I’m happy and when I’m sad.
You see I once allowed people to inform me of how I was supposed to feel. 
My dad died, oh he’s in a better place. You should rejoice.
My money was funny, oh, things will turn around just believe.
My marriage was falling a part oh, hang in there it gets better you ain’t the only one. It’s not that bad. Pray about it.
No, I didn’t feel like rejoicing, I wanted my daddy but hid those emotions all the way through my adult life. I got tired of struggling financially or believing that’s just the way it is. So, I made a plan and began executing it. Used the skills God gave me to make more money and oet out of debt. My marriage that deserves it’s own paragraph.
For someone to mistreat me, is not because I deserve it. It’s they didn’t understood my value. To be lied to was an indication they didn’t know how valuable the truth is to me. To walk away well, they didn’t appreciate the privileges afforded them by being in my life.
I don’t think I’m better than others BUT I, now, know I’m too good to settle for mistreatment and abuse. Lack or barely getting by. Or suppressing my feelings. That is definitely not the life I signed up for and don’t have to make it the life I live.
So as I sit here, tears rolling down my face. It’s no longer from denial, hurt or pain. It’s in the satisfaction that with God’s guidance, I’m finally no longer tolerating life but creating a life I LOVE!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Mar 8, 2018 | Encouragement, Gratitude, Growth, purpose
About last night…. Isn’t that how they start off when they want to bring drama and excitement to their story? Well, I can honestly say last night was AMAZING!
I spoke at this event called FailFest! It’s an opportunity for people in the nonprofit sector to share some of their most impactful fails and what they learned from them. Speakers shared experiences about hiring the wrong person, conferences that failed because of poor planning, personal values not meeting organizational values, trying to use influence to manipulate others to get what they want and having it backfire, etc.
Well you know me – I had to be extra and talk about personal fails. Like growing up without a father in the house, getting pregnant at 17 and being raped at 18. Then adding my biggest fail of allowing that inner-me to get the best of me and give up on my dreams. I ended my speech by saying ‘even though I had fails, I WAS NOT A FAILURE’. I was feeling pretty good about my extra – ness!
Then this morning when I got up and saw the video and the pictures splattered all over social media, I cringed! I hid like a child waiting to get a whooping! Like OMG!
I thought about all the things I should have done – like pull my shirt down, wear Spanx (I knew I was going to be in front of people), stand up straight (that in itself would have covered some of the flaws), and make more eye contact with the audience. And then the voice of my Toastmaster’s teacher screamed in my ears ‘articulation is 90% of your presentation’ – Oh well my articulation may have been a little off cause I was speed reading! Heck they only gave us 5 minutes and I had a lot to say!
But then the gentle voice inside of me reminded me of the lady that came over afterwards and said, “Thank you for sharing your story – there are so many people that could relate including me!” Or the woman that said, “Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing such a personal story. You were amazing”. Or maybe it was the two organizations that asked me to come speak with their clients (one of which I’ve been trying to connect with for over 2 years). But then there was the one lady with tears in her eyes that said, “Thank you! Because of what you said, I no longer feel like a failure!”
Let me tell you that made all the “fails” of last night simply amazing!
We are so hard on ourselves. Always looking for the things we did wrong instead of the things we did right. We can pull a compliment for someone else out of the air but struggle to find one good thing about ourselves even when everything is “perfect”.
Well about last night… it taught me
- I do have a story to tell and it will change lives!
- To make 95% of what I say come from my heart, everything else will work itself out!
- To be true to who I am and embrace my past – it has made me stronger!
- People really aren’t looking at what I have on if I’m bringing a message they can relate to!
- I may have failed some things in my life but I am not a failure! In fact, I’m pretty awesome!
Here is the video from last night. Hope you enjoy it!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Dec 21, 2016 | Encouragement, Growth, purpose
Disclaimer: Many of you have heard my take on the Law of Attraction. If not, simply I believe in parts of the Law of Attraction, however, I don’t believe the “universe” manifest what occurs in your life. I believe your faith in God and His promises manifest life occurrences. Other than that, the Law of Attraction has proven to be very fundamental in my life and those I work with.
I usually begin working on my vision board around the end of November beginning of December in preparation for the classes I offer during the first quarter of the year. This year has been no different. Last week I took my current vision board off my wall and examined it. I went over each aspect as to identify what worked and what didn’t. What was accomplished and what wasn’t. What manifested from what I placed on my board in comparison to what actually happened.
If you follow me on social media, you know that I am a glass half full type of person and I strive to pour into people daily. I will be the first to admit there were some rough bumps in the road this year. Let’s be real there were some large man holes and I fell into some them. Although I wrote about them, I didn’t always make them public. The writings were to help me see areas in my life where I needed to surrender my will to God and move forward. You will find links thoughout this blog where you can take a glance at some of them. I’ve learned that through my transparency, not only was I able to heal but was able to help others seek healing as well. So, I don’t share them to receive sympathy or even empathy, I share them to help others see they are not alone in their struggles.
This year I was attacked in practically every area of my life. My health was challenged. My parenting was challenged. My morals and values were challenged. My marriage was challenged. My self-worth and the way I viewed myself was challenged. My insecurities were challenged. My spirituality was cha
llenged. My purpose was challenged. My deliverance was challenged.
I remember asking God, “why was all of this happening?” It seemed to all occur one after another. I didn’t feel under spiritual attack, this felt personal “real personal” and I was NOT winning. I wanted to give up and throw in the towel. I was through!!! But over the last few days, I’ve come to understand, it wasn’t about me at all. The things I was going through was to teach me how to overcome obstacles so I could help others persevere.
Now back to the purpose of this blog. As I mentioned each year I create a vision board and choose a focus word to center my board around. This year was no different. I prayed hard to come up with the perfect word and once I had it, excitement flowed over me. The year before my word was PURPOSE and I was able to define my purpose. This year I would strive to master my purpose and “work my purpose”. So, what better word for this year than PERSEVERE!!! Persevere means to continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success.
After taking a hard look at my board, I sat in the middle of the floor and cried. I finally understood. I finally got it! The hurdles I faced this year were not to destroy me, they were to strengthen me. They were to build me. They were to strengthen my purpose and my belief in my purpose. They were to equip me with the tools I needed to help others. They were to push me. They were to grow me. They were to build a deeper relationship with God and to learn to trust Him and the process He was taking me through.
It was during my mother’s hospitalization that I learned I’m not superwoman and I don’t have to be. It was during the recovery of TWO surgeries that I learned selfcare is important (read about it here). It was my own choices that left me feeling defeated spiritually. God had not forsaken me as I had thought (read about it here). It was His love that keep me afloat and able to get through what seemed like one of my darkest moments and I had many this year. But God brought me through.
It was hard but looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. I learned some valuable lessons. I learn to trust myself again. I learn to trust God again. I learned to be patient with myself and those around me. You see, creating a vision board is not just putting pictures or words on a large board. It’s providing a place for you to show God you are willing to make the steps as He directs your path.
I’ve heard from many that this was a tough year. If you are one of those, I encourage you to look at it from a different perspective. What did you learn this year? Did you grow? Did you move into a deeper understanding of who you are and what your true desires are? Did it make you rethink the way you “play” life? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then you, my dear, did not have a tough year; you had a year of growth that pushed you to the next level. And above all – you made it!!! You made it to the end. Now what are you going to do with the knowledge you’ve earned?
With so many people offering vision board parties, I decided to do something different this year. This year I am encouraging you to “Host Your Own Vision Board Party”. I will be there to facilitate it. It will be just as strong if not stronger than any of the parties I’ve hosted in the past. But here is the thing… you will invite your friends, your women’s group, your peers, your colleagues – YOU CHOOSE WHO COMES. You choose the location. You choose the atmosphere. This is your event – I’m just here to make sure you leave with a vision for 2017!!!! This makes for a more intimate party and also provides you with accountability partners should you need the extra push throughout the year. Here is the link to see what dates are still available. I also encourage you to reach out to me as the dates are filling up fast. Click here to schedule your event.
If you are ready to allow God to grow you and push you to the next level, make a vision board. God has something miraculous in store for you. Allow Him push you forward and create an even better version of you. I’m here to help guide you to becoming the best version of yourself when you’re ready to do the work.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Aug 15, 2016 | purpose
I went for my first post-op appointment today. The last time I walked into that office, I was walking around with a swollen belly looking like I was pregnant. I was in so pain and ready for some relief. This time I walked in able to admire the wonderful scenery. You see my doctor had created a very welcoming environment for expecting mothers. Moms and dads were sitting quietly chatting with each other and other patients. They were swapping stories about how excited they were for the baby to come into the world. I remember one lady even mentioning that she wasn’t financially prepared but couldn’t wait to see her bundle of joy.
As I sat and listened to all the chatter around me, I was drawn to one couple in particular. They had just found out the sex of their baby. They were so excited. As they burst through the door with their ultrasound photo in hand, the dad was beaming from ear to ear. They sat down and began to text all their family and friends to share the good news. I remember hearing the mom ask, “Is that everyone?”
I remember once while pregnant with one of my kids, we were in the office when a couple walked out in tears. The doctor was unable to find a heartbeat and additional testing would have done to determine if the baby was still alive. I could only imagine the heartbreak and fear.
Where are you going with this, Tina? Many of you have been impregnated with a purpose but you have not taken the time to receive proper care during the pregnancy. Now, you think you are ready to birth this wonderful bundle to the world and well, there could be complications.
You see going to the doctor while pregnant is not just to make sure the baby is developing correctly, it is to help make sure the mother is physically and mentally prepared to give birth. It is to make sure the baby’s heartbeat is strong enough to go through the birthing process. It is to make sure there are no birth defects that could cause the baby to die at an early age. There are certain abnormalities that can be detected prior to the baby being born and ultimately “fixed” before the baby is even born. I hope you see where I’m going with this but in case you don’t let me make it a little clearer.
When you fail to seek help prior to birthing your purpose (starting your business, beginning your ministry) you take the chance of the purpose being birth prematurely, with birth defects and worse you could die during the birthing process.
- Premature Birth. Just like the couple texting all their family and friends about the sex of their baby, we go around sharing our vision with anyone and everyone willing to listen. Stop doing that! Realize everyone will not support your vision. But more importantly, you take the chance of giving birth to something that’s not ready to come into the world in order to appease other people. Don’t do it!!
- Birth Defects. When you don’t seek help with your business, you can put out a product with defects
. Things are bound to show up with a new business; however, many issues could be avoided if you would have just spoke to a trained professional concerning what you are doing. For example, some business fold because the owner failed to take care of the legal aspects. Do you have your Tax ID number? Do you need liability insurance?
- Death During Birth. Many people don’t realize how much work goes into being an entrepreneur. I remember when we had our first restaurant, we were so excited until we began working 80 hours per week, our marriage began to suffer, we weren’t able to spend time with our kids, and my husband’s health suffered. Needless to say the excitement ended quickly. Are you ready to give up life the way you know it to help someone else? Are you really ready?
I have been given the assignment to help you find your purpose but once you’ve become impregnated, you need to seek help from a business coach. You need to prepare yourself for birth. Starting a business is not just waking up one day and deciding you will work for yourself. Nope!!! You need to be prepared. You need to do your research. What does the IRS require for the business you are about to start? Can you operate from your home? Do you need a license? What about liability insurance? How much time will you need to invest in this business? Who are you targeting? What are you offering?
I’m not trying to discourage you from starting your business. Because you know me, I’m all about empowerment and the best way to be empowered is to have your own!!! But what I AM telling you is don’t skip the necessary prenatal care. Don’t birth something into this world that will only last for a few months because you weren’t prepared. Do your homework. Everything you need to be the best version of yourself, is inside of you. Sometimes you just need help bringing it forth.
UNTIL NEXT TIME,
