by Coach Tina | Dec 10, 2021 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, purpose
You are not self-centered! Read that again!
A call with a focused relentless, self-sacrificing, yet timid, guarded people pleaser revealed a woman struggling to pursue her dream of starting a business not because she lacked motivation; but because she was told it was selfish to devote so much time on something that would ultimately fail. 
Anger was not a strong enough word! I would need to seek legal council for the words and things I wanted to say and do to her abuser.
Every day, I see women make sacrifices to support the dreams of others. Yet sit on their own. In their minds they feel the idea is not good enough or they, themselves aren’t good enough. They can see the fire for others but can’t personally move past the negative self-talk that sounds like the voice of an abuser.
At some point in her life someone planted seeds of doubt and fear in the mind of my caller and it warped her 
ability to see herself achieve success. Now she had settled into a relationship with someone that did not want her to grow outside of the box they found her in.
This is yet another subtle display of abuse! An abuser does not have to hit you to abuse you.. if they can rob you of your ability to see better for yourself, they have accomplished their goal. Many abusers are aware if you see your true potential and walk in your assignment, they would lose their control over you. Remember abuse is all about control.
Pursuing your dream does not make you self-centered or selfish nor will it cause you to abandon those you love or upset those that love you. In fact it will build confidence, self-reliance and help you teach others how to treat you.
I contracted with that woman! I was determined to help her see her worth, take back her life and open her business. She did all three and is doing amazing.
Calls like that remind me why I do what I do. I am more determined than ever to build a system where women support, motivate and encourage each other to boldly pursue their dreams, walk with confidence and tendency and step out of a cycle of abuse.
I hate abuse. I hate abusers. But I despise a coward that uses fear to hold someone back from pursuing their dream.. oh wait that’s just another definition of an abuser.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Nov 8, 2021 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, Healing
“Your lack of motivation or limited motivation is NOT because you are doing something wrong!”
Yes, that was the statement I had to say out loud and embrace as my current truth. I found myself trying to get motivated to do the things that I loved, yet it was not working. The harder I tried, the harder it became. I felt stagnant and unproductive. I felt as though I could not get it together. I felt unappreciated and taken advantage of. I felt as though those around me “should” see the disconnect. But they did not and that made me feel even worse. What the hell was I doing wrong??
Why was I feeling like this? Why couldn’t I bounce back? How did I get on this trail to nowhere? I could blame my lack of motivation on grief. Sadness. Depression. Stress. Overworked and underappreciated. Distracted. Having too many things on my plate. But #transparency I was struggling to articulate what needed and had resorted to old habits and allowed shame to keep me there! Talk about vulnerability! GIRL!!! That revelation was life changing!
I can motivate the hell outta someone. Have them making plans to visit the moon while helping them pack their bag; because I truly believe they were going. But I looked at my own packed bags and said “one day, I got to focus on my purpose and assignments, right now”. You see I wasn’t following my own advice. I had removed myself from my priority list trying to build my empire and help others do the same. I was showing up, but I was showing up to a party I didn’t need to attend at the moment. Can relate?
NOW, you know I’m all about building your empire. In fact, if you have followed me for any amount of time, you know my motto: “BUILD YOUR OWN TABLE and stop waiting to be invited to someone else’s!” But don’t be so focused on building that table/empire that once it’s built, you are to worn out to enjoy it! Take some me time. I mean totally unplug. Turn off the phone. Get a babysitter. Do what you got to do! Every now and then? NO! Absolutely NOT! put it on your calendar at least twice a month more often if it’s been a while since you’ve taken time for yourself! Because you ARE going to make excuses not to follow through. Learn to keep that appointment like it’s a doctor’s appointment! No exceptions! No excuses! Take the full appointed time. If it’s an hour, a day, a weekend, a week! Use the whole-time doing things that make you happy! Things that you don’t get to do often.
I just recently came off a TEN day vacation. I needed it. I had not taken a vacation since 2018 without having assignments or deadlines that I needed to make. I literally did not turn my computer on but ONE hour the whole time! That says a lot for me! People say, “you can rest when you die!” Hell NO! REST WHEN YOU NEED IT! That’s the only way you will be able to show up how you need to show up. That’s how you create a fulfilled life. That’s how your life stops just being tolerable. I promise the work will be there when you get back from your break!
I was overextending myself. Trying to be superwoman and Wonder Woman at the same time all while acting like Mary Poppins… falling apart but trying to wear a smile! Imagine that!
I saw this post: trying to heal, while trying to grieve. While trying to live, while trying to dream, while trying to smile. While trying to give love. While trying to be loved.” Trying to heal is work all by itself. Yet we’re expected to show up unbothered. I was bothered! I was tired. I just needed space to find the pieces and take off the mask. Get the book and you’ll understand that statement!
It’s time to uncover the truths. Time to stop lying to yourself and others. No, we ain’t walking around her like little raggedy Anne dolls but we are not showing up as our best selves either. We MUST set ourselves up for success by taking care of our own needs! I had to put in place my own accountability. Setting accountability don’t always require checking in with someone else. Learn to check in with yourself! Learn to become your own competition. Learn to say the hell with what’s expected and do what’s necessary for yourself. I extend this challenge to you. Join me cause challenges can be easier when you do it with others but it’s not necessary! I’m going to show up for me regardless. I hope do too.
Living Intentionally,
by Coach Tina | Oct 11, 2021 | Growth
Most survivors of Domestic Violence have had years of torment; yet they are expected to mentally resolve that torment just because the relationship ended.
Don’t talk about it. The past is the past. Let it go. You are not there anymore – stop revisiting it. If it still bothers you, you are not healed. Blah Blah Blah. I’ve heard it all. What they don’t tell you is the storm may be over but there is still debris that must be cleaned up.
No one tells you how simple things can cause your mind to shift back to the horror. No one tells you that it can affect every relationship you will encounter; even nonromantic relationships. No one tells you that there may be times when you crave the good days of the relationship. No one tells you there could be a constant battle within where you blame yourself. No one tells you how the case is not innocent until proven guilty but guilty until proven innocent. No one tells you how to deal with healthy love because you’ve never experienced it. No one tells you how you will require constant reassurance that what you do is enough. No one tells you how you will struggle to trust yourself. No one tells you it’s hard to accept kindness without feeling as if they want something in return. No one tells you it’s okay to set boundaries that protect your mental health. No one tells you about the debris that still needs to be cleaned up.
You got out, you survived, NOW, you must assess the damage. You must figure out how to deal with the debris that was left. I recently shared this thought with someone that reminded me; sometimes it’s so dark during the storm, you can’t even see the damage until the sun comes out. That hit hard and prompted me to change the dynamic of this post. The sun coming out can resemble a better life with a great relationship, prosperity, hope and new found freedom but one memory can rob you and hold your thoughts hostage.
I will not say… “You are not there, get over it” because that is the biggest bunch of BS ever. What I will say is “let’s clean up the debris so you can celebrate surviving the storm!” Let’s count your blessings. Let’s acknowledge the pain and create systems that help you maneuver through your relief efforts. Let’s create a vision for a life you can look forward to. Let’s get honest with how you feel so you can stop allowing the negative inner critic to make you question your worth. Let’s fight together.
When disaster strikes, they call for a state of emergency. They pull together resources from all over. They don’t try to handle the relief efforts alone. The bring in professionals. You cannot do this alone. You are not expected to do this alone. You may have had to in the past but you don’t anymore. You need a support group.
The best thing I ever did was create my own support group: a counselor, a life coach, and a confidant. This group helped me clean up the debris. Every now and then I find some broken branches or glass laying around, but I know how to navigate around it until I am able to pick it up and discard it properly. I hope you caught that… there is a time to address things. NEVER feel like you must deal with something immediately. The worse thing we can ever do is try to face pain when we are already worn down from something else. You cannot allow it to linger but you CANNOT fight when you are already feeling defeated. Your support team will help you move through the pain, so it don’t sit too long.
If you don’t get anything from this brick, I hope you realize you are NOT alone. We all are trying to clean up debris from a storm that ran out of rain a long time ago. There is no timeline for the cleanup, it will NEVER look the same again BUT it can look better.
I’m cheering for you and willing to be part of your reconstruction crew when you are ready. just let me know. Until then be good to yourself. You are the only one that can identify the debris that needs to be cleared.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Sep 9, 2021 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, Healing, purpose
You are better than what you have been told. It really don’t matter who told you, you weren’t good enough. Maybe it was words from an abusive partner, an envious friend, a micro-managing boss, a toxic parent, or your own critical thinking. Wherever you heard those words, realize they were a lie. You ARE good enough. In fact, you are better than enough. You are created with everything you need to be the best version of yourself. You are growing into a better version of you each day and the best is yet to be seen.
The true essence of who you are is developed in the tough moments no one wants to talk about.
- It comes through the pains and struggles.
- It comes in the moments that hurt the most.
- It comes when you want to give up but keep going anyway.
- It comes when you prioritize your own needs over the wants of others.
- It comes when you say yes to yourself and no to others.
- It comes during those long nights when you can’t sleep.
- It comes from the tears you release in the shower.
- It comes from persevering even after a failed attempt.
- It comes when you refuse to allow the version of yourself that you want to be to take the back seat to the person you was.
- It comes when you are tired and take time to recuperate. (Rest but never quit)
- It comes when you show up BOLDLY for yourself.
You are enough. You are enough right where you are. You are better than you were told you are. You are making changes that the future you will benefit from. All I need you to do is keep going. All I need you to do is give yourself your best. All I need you to do is love yourself through the process. All I need you to do is show yourself a little grace. All I need you to do is take it one day at a time, one hour at a time – heck, if necessary, take it one minute at a time. But don’t give up on becoming the version of yourself you desire to be.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jan 14, 2021 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Growth
then the craziest thing happened!
Have you ever said,
- “to hell with it!”
- “I can’t do this anymore.”
- “It’s too hard!”
- “Why am I even trying? I’m gonna fail!”
Girl I said all those things and more! I have given up more times than I care to admit. I was constantly starting things and when I did not get the results I wanted, I would outright QUIT! I don’t mean just walk away – I would act as though it never existed! Like the thought never entered my head. I was DONE – DONE! But you know that’s not how it works, right?
I’m going to let you in on a little secret, but you cannot tell anyone. Wanting to quit is NORMAL! Thinking you did is even more normal! Another secret: It’s okay to have the desire to quit. It is even okay to stop for a moment. Everybody does it. You are NOT alone! YOU just cannot stay in that position forever.
Do you know how many times I quit being an ADULT? Like how the heck do you quit being an adult? I don’t know but I have days where I look myself in the mirror and say I am NOT ADULTING today! Sadly, it didn’t last very long. I found out not only could I not no longer be an adult, I had other adults that expected me to be an adult! See I threw in the towel but had to pick it back up and I’m glad I did! Because the craziest revelation came from it!
I learned some valuable lessons:
- Quitting is our final excuse. Yup I said it! I know I lost some of you right there! But quitting is what we do when we cannot find a good enough reason to keep going! Quitting is the result of exhausting all our other excuses. Let’s be honest, waking up to back pain is a great reason not to work out; but not working out the next day because of that pain is NOT! QUITTING! says I’m done even when there is no back pain. Quitting is the excuse that needs no explanation. But it also doesn’t produce the desired results.
- Quitting is grown folk status. We are all grown! We declare it EVERYDAY! I don’t know about you but I was so glad to get out of my momma’s house so I could do whatever I wanted to do. So, now that I am good and grown, no one can tell me what I can and cannot do even quitting. It’s easy to declare a thing over and done. But truth be told, quitting is NOT a requirement or a pre-requisite of being declared grown! In fact, quitting shows just how immature we view ourselves and our abilities. When you decide to push through the excuses and opposition, that’s where the grown status takes root.
- Life is HARD! Okay and what’s your point? Life is hard for everyone at some stage in life. You cannot allow difficulty to keep you from going after what you want. You cannot allow what seems impossible to paralyze you from moving forward. Think about it this way, it’s always hard until you do it! Now after you have completed it and realize it’s not something you want to continue doing, then and only then do you have the option of walking away. Notice I said walking away not QUITTING!
- Failure is a result of quitting. There is NO such thing as failure. You either achieve your goal or learn a new way of doing it. Failure comes from NOT trying! If you are at the bottom of a large mountain and refuse to climb, then you fail! But if you attempt, even if you must keep trying every day until you master it, you have NOT failed! If you quit, you fail. If you fail, you never learn. If you never learn, you never grow. If you never grow, you die. Death is a result of quitting.
- Quitting is a habit. I know what if feels like to quit. I want to know what if feels like to cross the finish line! I had changed my habits. I had to change my mindset. I had to stop allowing quitting to be my norm. I had to want success more than inconsistency.
I’m not going to lie to you. There are still days where I want to quit. I want to lay in my bed in complete silence and darkness but WHY? What will it accomplish? How will it help me? What problem will it solve? The biggest lesson I learned is NO ONE can stop me from achieving my goals but me. NO ONE can cheer harder for me that me. But it requires getting up every day and making an effort to be better than I was the day before. There is NO perfection just opportunities.
If you have ever felt like quitting and can relate to this brick, I need you to do two things 1. Share why you didn’t give up. 2. Share this with someone that needs to know they are not alone and give them a reason to keep going.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Oct 13, 2020 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Fear, Focus, Growth
I would but… I should but… I wish I could… I was going to….
We’ve all had moments where we allowed our fears to stop us right in our tracks. Sometimes the fear is valid but most of the time it was the lack of confidence in our own abilities.
What if I fail? What would people say? How will I come back from it? It’s too hard! I don’t know what to do! What will it look like? Here we are focusing on the “YOU” instead of what is to be accomplished. Fear always points back to you!
Did you know every time you second guess yourself, you allow self-doubt to grow? Change can be scary; but it can also be empowering!
When was the last time you just JUMPED! I mean decided and went for it. If you are honest with yourself it was probably one of the BEST decisions, you ever made. OKAY, I’ll speak for myself. The times when I did not allow my analytic mind to overanalyze the outcome and just did it; not only was it successful but I gained self-confidence, self-trust and self-respect. At the end, I realized there was NOTHING to fear but fear itself! I was allowing my fear, well more the lack of belief in myself and my abilities, to keep me from doing the things I really wanted to do.
I allowed hidden insecurities to keep me away from what I had been praying for. I allowed what wasn’t even in front of me and honestly, what was behind me; to keep me from living the life I desired. The life I craved. The life I deserved!
Don’t get it twisted! I fight fear EVERY DAY! As a survivor of abuse and trauma, it’s a natural response to be extra careful. I mean we lived that life. It was a norm. We were conditioned, groomed and manipulated into living a life of fear and discontentment. We learned to settle. We learned to not rock the boat. We learned to take baby steps or none at all. Don’t move to fast and don’t move without thinking it all the way through. I could cost you!
We were taught our thoughts were invaluable and lacked the ability of fulfillment. We were constantly questioned about every decision and every thought. We began to believe the lies that were told to us. When we did think, there was so much disbelief and anxiety that it caused physical pain. For years I suffered from migraines and backpain only to realize it was stress associated with my lifestyle.
The anxiety associated with that lifestyle began to affect everything in my life; work, friendships, relationships, family, faith, health. I began having problems sleeping. My binging and food addiction took over my life. I isolated myself. I gave up. I knew I would never do anything to hurt myself; but if I didn’t wake up, that would be okay too. I hit rock bottom.
Until…
I got tired of being tired of being tired and decided a change had to occur. But how? My self-esteem was so low. I didn’t trust myself to make any decision. I had no idea what life was supposed to look like. I didn’t know what healthy was because I had never experienced it. Dysfunction was a norm and I ate it every day! How do you go from living on life support to thriving?
Here’s how...
Acknowledge were you are. Decide what you want it to look like. Your image! NOT the image you see on television, read about on social media or in some fiction book or novel. Create your own picture. It doesn’t have to be perfect…when has life ever been perfect? The idea is to make today better than yesterday and make tomorrow better than today. Give yourself permission to try. Give yourself permission to dream. Give yourself permission to live. Surround yourself with people that push you out of your comfort zone and will hold your hand when you are afraid.
Self-love is the one investment you are a guaranteed a return on. I believe in you and will continue to believe in you until you can believe in yourself.
Until Next Time,
ability to see herself achieve success. Now she had settled into a relationship with someone that did not want her to grow outside of the box they found her in.
