Let’s be real sometimes rest just don’t seem like enough! If you’ve ever been emotionally or mentally tired, your understanding of that statement surpasses one who is physically tired. When you are physically tired, a nap usually does the trick. But when you add emotions into the equation, a nap is just not enough. But what do you do?
June has been a deep dive into “Persevere: Don’t Quit!”Let me tell you – I have been challenged, pulled, and pushed all around with this one. I’ve wanted to yell, cry, scream and yes even cuss a few people out. I wanted to tell them what I really thought about them and how I could see right through them and their tricks. I could see how they were manipulative and self-centered. I wanted to let them know how what they said and did hurt my feelings. I wanted to yell I am enough with or without them. I wanted to let them know that the silent treatment no longer works on me. I wanted to let them know they no longer had control over me. AND THEN…. I realized a few things!
They didn’t deserve that kind of energy from me. (energy is everything)
I just wanted to prove a point. (never good)
I was looking to validate how I felt by making them look at me. (they could care less)
I was ACTUALLY allowing their mistreatment to affect me by dwelling on it. (doing exactly what they wanted)
Their behavior was typical of an abuser and I shouldn’t be surprised. (get yo life)
Everyone must answer to their own behavior and as much as I wanted, I could NEVER make a person change. (they ain’t changing)
I was responsible for how I responded NOT why the person did what they did. (prioritize)
I had to do more than just warn people of misbehavior, I had to show them what it looked like. And more importantly how to protect yourself from it. (get in position)
I found myself in a dilemma: FIGHT OR QUIT! Well I ain’t NO QUITTER! I knew what I had to do but not sure how to do it. I didn’t want it to look like I was whining. I didn’t want it to look like I was bitter. And I definitely didn’t want to look like a PUNK! I could NOT sit back and watch people I cared about be torn apart by wounded vindictive predators. I had to own my story! I had to get over the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). I had to stand up and fight. I had to take back the control I had given away. I had to stop being afraid of what people would say. I put my gloves on because ONE thing I’ve learned people are going to talk so why not give them a good story to tell.
I’m not sure how this all will look but now that I’ve rested, it’s time to FIGHT! Fight for myself. Fight for other women. Fight for those that aren’t aware. Fight for those who are aware but afraid to admit what they know. Fight for our little girls!! Our little girls SHOULD NEVER have to experience abuse, insecurity, bullying or mishandling! They will KNOW who they are! They will know how to fight! They will know it’s okay to rest but never quit!
This isn’t JUST about abuse from a man. This is abuse from all toxic people!!! I look forward to you joining in for the ride. Make sure to drop your comments, questions or concerns below. If there are topic you want me to cover leave those as well. But whatever you do, DO NOT QUIT! You are in the fight for your life. Put on those boxing gloves and let’s go!
A night with a sexual or physical assault victim can take an advocate or survivor down a very dark path if they aren’t careful. But it can also be a gentle reminder of their own strength and help them fight another day. It may give them courage to speak truth despite the fears that rage inside or it can quiet them and cause them to get lost in their own hurt and pain. Advocates struggle with memories, too!
Every survivor that I’ve encountered have memories. But each memory tends to be covered with grace. Although the memories hurt, they find a way to soften the reality somehow. Time does not help. Time will play tricks in the mind of a survivor and prompt them to disassociate from reality. Many will begin to replace ‘the bad times” with “the not so bad times” and “the not so bad times” with “the good times” eventually asking themselves “what was all the fuse about?” I’m convinced this is the body’s way of helping process what has happened in a way that is less invasive and tormenting.
Regardless of how long I advocate and work with victims and survivors of abuse, there is something about responding to a sexual or physical assault call that makes my heart sink, my stomach knot up and brief flashbacks of my own abuse take over my thoughts. Those first few minutes after the person identifies their self and
what they are calling about, I freeze. And on the ride to the location, I fight to stay present and not replay my own abuse or the feelings of guilt and shame associated with it. It’s because of those moments I’ve questioned if I should be advocate. But I now know that it is because of my experience that I make a great advocate.
One would say why would you feel guilty or shamed? Well, you clearly have never been a victim of abuse or in a toxic relationship. Those feelings for me were drilled into my psyche. I was told over and over how his behavior was my fault. How by talking about it I was bringing shame to the family and to God. How I needed to get thicker skin. The shame for me, was because I felt I wasn’t living up to the expectations that was established for me. I didn’t know it was abuse; it had become my norm.
Last night, as I sat with that young lady, looking at her bruised covered body, the sound of her saying “I should have known better. I should have listened to my gut”. Then to hear her conversation switch to “I shouldn’t have made him so mad. It’s all my fault”, triggered an anger inside of me. It was the anger I never allowed myself to feel against my own abuser. I had a quick flash back of standing in front of the judge as he said to me “I can see the bruises from here, but I need you to tell me what happened.” Full of fear my words became stuck between my voice box and my mouth. Nothing would come out and the longer I stood there the more embarrassed I felt for allowing this to happen. Yet the fear of what would happen if I said anything overtook me. I struggled with how I would be viewed. How he would be viewed. What if they took my kids. What if he got so mad that he left, I didn’t a job. How would I take care of my kids? What if the next time it was worse. What if a restraining order only made him madder. What if, what if.… Had it not been for the domestic violence advocate I would have stood right there and talked myself out of requesting the restraining order.
When I looked in the eyes of this young lady, I could see the fear as you struggled to make a very hard decision of pressing charges. My heart broke for her because I understood it so well. You just want the nightmare to be over. You are even willing to take an “I’m sorry” even though you know you had heard it before.
My job is not to convince that woman to leave. Although I’m going to do my very best to, my job is to stand beside her and support her decision. My job is help her see her value and understand no one has a right to hit her and make feel less than. Finding her worth hardly ever happens that night but to know that someone heard her and supports her decision is life changing.
I still struggle with sharing parts of my story and I don’t always see my own worth. But with each day and each victim I speak with, I see the purpose in what I went through and why it’s so important for me to share my story. My abuser cannot hurt me anymore. My self-worth is stronger than the fear I have of him. The desire to help others is more important than what someone who refuses to see the truth thinks of me. Knowing that I have helped someone find their voice makes mine stronger. No more victim! No more shame! No more guilt! At least not until the next the call and it pushes me even harder to stand up for those that don’t have the strength to stand up for themselves. At least not yet!
As I lay here thinking about life, there are things that make me sad but more that make me extremely happy. There was a time I lived in denial and truly believed I had to accept what life offered because some way some how it was all I deserved. I’ve since pushed those thoughts away and called them what they are LIES!
I realize accepting less than you desire is NOT how life works. I don’t have to settle. I don’t have to accept what life offers me. I can decide what is good or bad. What I keep and what I let go of. I decide what makes me happy or sad. But more importantly when I’m happy and when I’m sad.
You see I once allowed people to inform me of how I was supposed to feel.
My dad died, oh he’s in a better place. You should rejoice.
My money was funny, oh, things will turn around just believe.
My marriage was falling a part oh, hang in there it gets better you ain’t the only one. It’s not that bad. Pray about it.
No, I didn’t feel like rejoicing, I wanted my daddy but hid those emotions all the way through my adult life. I got tired of struggling financially or believing that’s just the way it is. So, I made a plan and began executing it. Used the skills God gave me to make more money and oet out of debt. My marriage that deserves it’s own paragraph.
For someone to mistreat me, is not because I deserve it. It’s they didn’t understood my value. To be lied to was an indication they didn’t know how valuable the truth is to me. To walk away well, they didn’t appreciate the privileges afforded them by being in my life.
I don’t think I’m better than others BUT I, now, know I’m too good to settle for mistreatment and abuse. Lack or barely getting by. Or suppressing my feelings. That is definitely not the life I signed up for and don’t have to make it the life I live.
So as I sit here, tears rolling down my face. It’s no longer from denial, hurt or pain. It’s in the satisfaction that with God’s guidance, I’m finally no longer tolerating life but creating a life I LOVE!
Is there a difference? I would say NO!! But I would be wrong!
The two terms are often used interchangeably but there really is a difference. To be termed Domestic Violence, an act must occur where physical violence has been used to coerce, control, intimidate or manipulate a person whom you have been or are currently in a relationship with into doing something they don’t have a desire to do. Domestic Abuse is used in the same relationships for the same reasons but it may or may not include physical abuse and the physical abuse would not be considered violent from those on the outside looking in.
Okay now that I have explained what the “textbook or legal” difference is between the two, I will add that I think it’s a bunch of crap (yes, I typed something else but remembered my mom may read this and I don’t want to offend her).
Here is the thing – VIOLENT OR NOT – ABUSE is ABUSE! In most cases, before an abuser inflicts physical abuse, they have already inflicted other forms of abuse – emotional or mental, verbal, financial, spiritual. Before they inflict a violent force, there has already been some type of nonviolent physical abuse, a push here a shove there. They have given the victim abused a reason to believe if they don’t adhere to the request, a more severe punishment may occur. Abusers thrive off the fear of their victim. But the abused must base whether it’s considered Domestic Violence or Domestic Abused on what someone else believes it to be. Now that makes me mad!!!
As a survivor of Domestic Violence, I have used the words interchangeable (but I can admit now it was because of my own shame of admitting to the abuse). I felt if I called it domestic abuse it wouldn’t sound so horrible when I forgave it and stayed in it. If I called it domestic abuse no one would know how severe it was. If I called it domestic abuse maybe it would go away. If I called it domestic abuse it would just insinuate there may have been a little yelling here or there. If I called it domestic abuse I would “save face” – mine and his.
Regardless if you call it Domestic Violence or Domestic Abuse. Regardless why you call it what you call it. Regardless if the abuser hits you or yells at you. Regardless if they quote scripture or yell curse words at you. Regardless if they give you an allowance or forbid you to touch the account. IT IS ABUSE! And because it is between individuals who are or where in an intimate (emotional) relationship it’s called DOMESTIC!! Regardless it MUST STOP!!
This is a very sensitive topic and I of all people am very aware how it can be a trigger to many. When I write about it, I am reminded of the pain I felt, the shame I felt, the guilt I felt but then I am reminded that I SURVIVED!!!I’m reminded that I got out! I’m reminded that my past does not defined my destiny!
(This post can be a trigger for those battling abuse- know you are not alone)
I thought if I loved harder, if I gave more, if I was quiet then maybe just maybe the pain of betrayal would subside and I would be loved by the one person I wanted love from the most.
Well, the pain did not subside. In fact, it grew. Before I knew it, it had become something I could no longer contain or control. It began to leak outside of me. It began to spill on every aspect of my life. It became the catalyst for everything I did or didn’t do. It became the curriculum of how I interacted with others. I began to teach people that I didn’t matter, that my feelings didn’t matter, that my existence didn’t matter. The pain became a part of my identity. I felt like a piece of property. I had become something to do. I had become a part of an image. I had become something easily discarded once something better came along. Sadly, I began to view myself as “just something”.
Something that was lost….
I had lost my self-respect. How can you respect yourself when no one else does?
I had lost my pride. My existence was in making others proud and that wasn’t happening.
I had lost my desire for better. The pain had become embedded in me and was all I could feel.
I had lost my scruples. What once seemed right was turning wrong and what seemed wrong was made to feel right.
But then it happened. The lights began to blink. The page turned. I could hear the sounds of reality. I could feel the sting of the pain. I could breathe the stench of anger. Wait! I wasn’t breathing, in fact, there were hands wrapped around my throat and someone was yelling in my face. The blinking lights was me going in and out of consciousness. The pages turning was my inner self realizing this could be the end. The sounds of reality was my kids yelling – asking if I was okay. It was their screams that snapped me into reality. I knew I had to do something, if not for me for them.
Yet I remained a piece of property for many years after that; feeling I couldn’t do better. Feeling I didn’t deserve any better. Feeling this was the life I was destined to live.
Maybe I’ll just love harder. I’ll just give more. I’ll just sit quiet. I’ll overlook the affairs. It has to get better. It will get better. I heard the preacher say “speak things into existence”. I will speak harmony and peace into my home. I will speak love into my relationship. I will give respect and soon it will be offered to me. I will speak it – God will hear it and make it right.
Why is this taking so long? I know our time schedule is different than God’s but surely He sees how desperate I am. Surely, He sees that I’m hurting. I’ve heard all my life that “He cares about the least of them” surely, I must at least be a part of that group. Then why hasn’t he answered my prayers. Why hasn’t he come to see about me? Why hasn’t He made this pain stop? Maybe I don’t matter to Him. Maybe He don’t care about me….
But you see God did care about me. He was constantly giving me a way out of the situation, I decided to stay. Every prayer I prayed – He answered with a blessing on top of what I asked for. Yet I was so consumed with the needs of others, that I took the answered prayers as a way God wanted me to help them. I didn’t see that it was God giving an opportunity for harmony and peace into my home, in my own mind. I couldn’t see it was God allowing me to feel loved by Him and ultimately learn to love myself. I couldn’t see God was giving me the tools I needed to learn to respect myself and be a better version of myself. I couldn’t see because I was expecting it to look different. I was lost in my own expectations instead of the expectations of God and His desire for me as His daughter.
Don’t allow the pain to become louder than God’s voice. Cry out to Him. Ask Him for help. He will send it I promise. I cares more about you than you could even imagine. You are the apple of His eye. You are a beat in His heartbeat. Your concerns are major to Him. You see just like God heard my cry – He will hear yours and deliver you from it – if you allow Him to do so.
Intimate Partner Abuse (domestic violence) is real. There are women battling this war every day. Holding on to scraps in hope to one day be able to make a meal. Ladies, if you are in an abusive relationship. You don’t deserve to be mistreated. That is NOT love! Love does not hurt. Love does not hit. Love does not belittle. Love does not shame. Love does not control. You can take your life back. I know it seems hard, it was hard for me too. But I promise you it will be worth it. If you have a friend that is in an abusive relationship, be patient with them and be strong for them. You cannot force them to do anything they don’t want to do but you can show them how much you love them by being there when they ask for help.
I lied to myself. I betrayed myself. I deceived myself. I wasn’t honest. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so careless? How could this happen to me? I should have known better. No one is going to help me this time! I brought this all on myself.
Those are the cries of a person being tormented by the thoughts that scream in her mind. The thoughts that won’t stop for a moment. The thoughts that get louder as time goes by. The thoughts that push aside any sense of reason. These are the cries of a person suffering from abuse. These are the words I hear from clients. Let me be transparent for a moment – these are the words I once cried.
Unless you have been in an abusive situation, it is easy to say what you would or would not do if it were you. It’s easy for a person who have never been subjected to abuse to say “they would never do that to me”. You really never know what you would do until you are placed in that situation. I never thought I would be put in a situation to be raped. But I was. I never thought I would have been assaulted by a loved one. But I was. You never know what you will do until you are in that situation.
Most victims of abuse have been mentally abused and controlled a long time before any physical abuse ever occurs. The abuser convinces the victim that no one cares about them. The abuser grooms them by isolating them from their family and friends. This isolation from family and friends solidifies the victim’s dependency on their abuser. I’ve seen many cases where the dependency is so strong, the victims will hide all forms of abuse to avoid “losing” their abuser.
As many of us travel over the summer enjoying our summer vacations, research show more women are severely and repeatedly abused in the summer than any other time of the year. Why? Because the victims don’t want to interfere with the happiness of others, so they keep quiet. Another reason according to research tempers rage during the summer resulting in more abusive behavior.
Okay Tina, why are you telling us all of this? As we move forward in our “YOU Matter” campaign, I will be challenging you to step out of your comfort zone. YOU Matter and what you do matters. You never know what a person is going through. Every smile does not mean “I’m happy”. Every laugh does not represent “joy”. It’s time to dig deep inside ourselves and truly make a difference in the world. We might not be able to change the whole world but we could make a difference in the lives of those that we come into contact with. YOU Matter is not just about what matters to you, it’s about being the best version of ourselves and encouraging others to do the same.
Sometimes it’s the small things we do that matter the most. When is the last time you spoke to that long lost cousin? Did your friend try to share something with you but you were too busy with your own life that you dismissed it as something minor? Could that co-worker’s bruise really be something more than her walking into the door? When was the last time you smiled at someone just to brighten up their day? It’s time to do better. It’s time to make a difference. It’s time to be a reminder thatYOU matter.
