by Coach Tina | Jun 19, 2020 | Encouragement, Fear, Growth
I have always used words to paint a picture of what goes on in my head; however, difficult and controversial topics tend to cause my words to swell up in my throat and leave me gasping for air.
After years of sitting quiet, I intentionally strive to make my voice relevant and impactful while trying hard to not offend anyone. I was told my passiveness was a result of PTSD. Possibly. But I also believe it’s a result of an extensive battle of traumatic life experiences, people pleasing and just wanting to be liked. I never wanted my words to offend another or cause harm because I knew firsthand what that felt like. I thought by staying in the middle lane and unbiased, I was handling things the right way. I’m now learning that just isn’t the case. There is NO middle lane when it comes to controversial topics and some people are not going to see your viewpoint. But you MUST give it. You must choose a side. You cannot allow fear of being rejected silence your voice.
This blog has always been about women finding their voice and speaking truth in all situations and circumstances. As our country fights two Pandemics – COVID-19 and racism, I find myself a bit overwhelmed by it all. I normally withhold a lot of my viewpoints while giving those who appear to be better equipped and articulate the floor. I now realize I was just doing what I always do and staying safe out of fear of rejection.
Earlier this week in my private Facebook group I made a post, and someone commented that it offended them. So, I deleted it. OH, how I regret doing so! Not because it’s MY page. Not because she removed herself from the group even after I deleted the post but because it was an example that everyone is not going to co-sign on your beliefs and it’s okay. I had another situation this week were I gave my voice to someone that appeared to be struggling to use hers. Again, I could have lost some supporters. BUT I vowed a pledge to be a voice for the voiceless and if they walk away, they are not my people.
The old me would have sat quiet or tried to help them see my point of view. The NEW me realizes people are entitled to their own opinion and can choose who they want to connect with. I also realize that everyone is not going to like me or my thoughts and that is okay.
Why I am I saying this? Most people that will read this blog struggle with wanting to be heard and more importantly wanting to be liked. Let me clear something once and for all. EVERYONE IS NOT GOING TO LIKE YOU! and that is not your problem. Liking your self – NOW that IS your problem and your responsibility! Your voice matters. Your thoughts matter. YOU MATTER!
This week our theme was “Standing Out in The Crowd!” It always amazes me how I choose topics months in advance and by the end of the month I have a new perspective on what they actually means. They force me to grow. They force me to STAND a little taller.
This week has been no different. I’ve learned some hard truths.
- You cannot be a leader afraid to speak up.
- You cannot manifest a life you love sitting in the corner hoping it happens.
- You cannot be the voice you desire allowing fear to overrule you.
- You cannot be consumed when others don’t agree with your viewpoint.
As we close yet another week of fighting two vast and life changing Pandemics, it’s important for you to decide what side will you reside on and more be willing to stand up for what you believe. It’s time to Stand Out in the Crowd and let your voice be heard.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jan 31, 2020 | Encouragement, Growth, purpose, Relationships
It happened just like that… sitting here minding my own business and he jumps in my inbox! This fine specimen of a man. Fine is a bit of an understatement. He is gorgeous! Carmel brown, nice trimmed beard, balled head, full lips, beautiful smile, 6 feet tall, muscular body, Master’s degree, management, loves to travel, looking a woman to spoil…. Yes baby, here I AM! And then the ball drops! He has a 5-year-old daughter that lives with him! I know! I feel the exact same way….. pure disappointment!!
Why is God playing with my emotions? And no, I’m not sharing his profile with any of y’all! If I can’t date him y’all ain’t either! Cause then I will have to come hang out at your house just to see him! LOL
Boundaries are never easy! But one of mine as I entertain the idea of dating with purpose, is not dating anyone with young kids. Having spent the last 31 years of my life responsible for the daily needs of someone, I have decided I need a break from any type of “child rearing”. I’ve also determined my butt is spoiled. I have NEVER thought about my need to be loved, appreciated, cherished or made a priority as spoiled. But it IS! First step is admittance! I also never thought those things were at the top of my list of needs, but they are! I NEED those things and I want them from a man that can give them to me without restriction. So, I had to be honest with myself – my needs are probably not going to be met by a man with a young child especially one that he has full custody of. So, the boundary was set! But whew baby! Let me go look at that picture one more time…
Do you have areas in your life that you NEED to set some boundaries around? Here are some signs you lack boundaries.
- You find yourself making too many grand sacrifices for others at your own expense
- You feel guilty when others aren’t happy (as if it’s you’re responsible for their happiness)
- You say “yes” when you want to say “no”
- You feel guilty for dedicating time to yourself
- You feel others take you and/or your time for granted
- You are out of touch with your needs
- You are concerned about what other people think of you
- You attract people that are emotionally unavailable, controlling or domineering
I see you nodding your head! You are NOT alone. Most women do not have good boundaries! We have been conditioned to cater to the needs of others. From day one we were taught to care for someone else before we cared for ourselves. Think about when you were introduced to a baby doll. You were told, “here is your baby. Make sure you take care of her”.
Well now it’s time to take care of you. What do you need? What do you desire? What do you deserve? If you are having problems setting boundaries, please reach out I would be glad to work with you.
Now let me look at this picture one more time and delete this profile. No need to have a temptation staring in my face!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jan 7, 2020 | Growth, purpose
Everyone is adamant that 2020 will be “THEIR YEAR”! But what the heck does that even mean? Let’s be real didn’t we say that last year? Yes shade thrown!!
We were determined NOT to have another year like the year before. Determine to make the changes that we’ve been wanting for the last 5 years. Determine NOT to continue the path we’ve been on forever and a day. YEP! We all said it! This year WILL BE DIFFERENT – this will be MY YEAR! Only to get to December and realize there was NO significant changes.
Well let me throw a little bit more shade – get your sunglasses! That was NOT my story. Last year was phenomenal. I learned so much about myself and I’ve shared it with you in different formats and on different platforms. But in case you aren’t following me and just happened to stumble across this blog post – let me tell you!
2019 was a really good year! Actually, the last couple years have been really good and I’m expecting 2020 to be even better. Could there be another book? Could there be a YouTube channel? Could there be an additional conference? Could there be some more weight loss? Could there be a committed relationship? Could there be a move? I don’t know but I am ready for it all.
One of the things I do every year is choose a word to focus on. Last year was no different. My word(s) was POWER MOVES! Boy, did I make some big power moves. I stepped out of my comfort zone. Like really jumped! I will share those in another blog but for now I want to help you find your word for the year.
5 Steps to your word:
- REFLECT – reflect on last year. I mean really think hard about what you like and didn’t like. What you could have done different and what you enjoyed doing. Now think about what you would like to have more of. What would you like less of. How do you REALLY feel after that reflection? Are you happy, sad, excited, tired? What would you like to feel?
- VISUALIZE – Now I want you to imagine if you could “feel” that way every day! Fulfilled, satisfied, inspired, joyful, happy, loved, encouraged, empowered. Did you feel a peace come over you as you thought about those feelings? If not, girl, go read that list again! Because that’s how you want to feel! NO stress. NO anxiety. NO regrets. Just you doing the things that make you happy! But what’s keeping you from feeling like that?
- CREATE A LIST – create a list of all the things you THINK are keeping you from feeling that way. NO self-editing. Just make a list. Here are some things you can think about. Lack of confidence, willpower, the how-to, determination, support, productivity. Are you fearful, doubtful, scared? Do you lack support? What’s hindering you?
- REVIEW and REFINE – Now look at all the things that are hindering you. Is there a pattern? Write down words that show up consistently. Narrow this list down to 3 words. Which word provides an opportunity for growth. Which word makes you excited, nervous, scared or uncomfortable? Guess what? THAT’S YOUR WORD!
Remember when I said my word for 2019 was POWER MOVES – I had to stop playing small. I had to do things that would prevent me from returning to the OLD WAY of doing things I had to put myself out on front street, be accountable. I had to make some moves that would scare the HELL out of me. I had to do some things that would make me look at myself differently. And believe me every time I turned around, I was placed in position to were I HAD to show up.
- IT’S MORE THAN A WORD – Ask yourself one last question: Can you commit to this word? Can you lean into the changes required to make this word come alive in your life? If so, you have created the word for the year.
Take a moment and share you word with me in the comments. Write a post on social media and tag me with the #wordoftheyear. Join the facebook group where you can see the video, I made that talks about this process. What ever you decide… just create word for the year so you can have a place of reference when things seem funny and unmanageable. Remember YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Oct 14, 2019 | Abuse, Growth
I’m not going to lie… it seems every few months I find myself in a place of doubt, uncertainty, conflict. A place where I feel I’m not enough. A place where I find myself saying things like “I’m DONE! I can’t do this! It’s more than I can handle! Who do I think I am giving advice with all my issues?” Should I be feeling like this as a coach? Maybe I’m in the wrong field! Yes, I’m in the right field! Yes I am enough. Yes I can do this. Yes! Yes! Yes!
Darn PTSD! It’s a beast! Thank God for therapy and JESUS!
Although I know I’m not alone in this battle, it can be a very lonely and confusing experience. But when you are called to make an impact; make a change; do something out of the ordinary; step outside of your comfort zone; go against the grain; call light to the dark; or do things you never thought you could do, it’s going to require something bigger than you. It’s going to cost you something. It’s going to push you into an unknown place, a place you don’t like. And that can be scary!
This month is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Each year I share a bit of my survival story on social media and at local events focusing on the different types of abuse (because it’s not always physical). AND each year, I’m combated with all the reason why I should have kept my mouth shut and quietly embraced just being out of it. Why I shouldn’t give details about what took place. Why I shouldn’t bring up the pain. Why I shouldn’t have said ANYTHING! How my story is NOT as bad as someone else’s. How I should leave this to those with a little more experience and expertise in the field. Every year there will be at least one person to declare “it’s over, let it go”; pushing me into a world spin of mixed emotions about having shared my story.
But this year was different! This year when the private message came, I smiled (I was ready for it). When the post went up about how people should celebrate being free and how talking about it was an indication there was still healing to be made, I remembered the message I got the day before of how my story helped a young lady realize she, in fact, was in an abusive relationship. The judgement of those that could not fathom the impact this traumatic event had on me could not silence me. Sharing my story did not mean I wasn’t healed or wanted to cause pain to my abuser but that I wanted to help another woman NEVER walk through that pain alone like I did. Sharing my story allowed me to reclaim the power that I gave to my abuser every time I kept quiet about what I experienced. Sharing my story got me a step closer to complete healing.
It was liberating not to feel a need to justify my decision to share my story. It felt empowering to not care what people thought or how they felt about me telling my story. My recovery was no longer based on what others thought was appropriate. It was all about what I needed to move forward in my personal healing. It was about using my story to tear down the myths and lies associated with abuse.
We are overcome by our testimony. Yet people want you to be quiet and sit in the pain of it. They want you to be silent because they are simply validated by your misery. When you no longer cater to their needs, they lose their hold over you. You don’t have to prove who you are to anyone except the person in the mirror. She is the ONLY one you must justify your feelings or emotions to. Most people are basking in their own misery and want you to bask in yours. Your testimony is a time to celebrate what you’ve come through. You do not have to be afraid to share it out of fear of what others will say.
The whole idea of feeling like you are not enough or that you can’t do this – is a direct reflection of you comparing yourself to others or trying to live up to expectations of others. You were created for this. Your road may be difficult, and the path may be bumpy. You may have to step over a few stumps every now but it gets easier with time. The road may become harder but how you navigate it will become easier.
Do I still have those moments where I want to throw in the towel? YUP! I probably always will. Because now I realize it’s not because I’m not equipped for the assignment but that the assignment is bigger than me and I CAN’T do it on my own. I need GOD to help me. I need HIM to hold my hand through it. I need HIM to go before me and fight the battles that I am no longer required to fight.
Do you avoid sharing your story because of how others have perceived it and your interpretation of it? Do you allow the expectations of others to control how you view your ability to do what you’ve been called to do? Could you relate to parts of this blog? I’d love to hear your thoughts share them below.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Aug 8, 2019 | Encouragement, Fear, Relationships
As a coach, I am a stickler about facing your fears. I, also, insist that once you identify an area in your life that causes you to pause; take that pause and access what’s interrupting your seemingly “perfect” life.
WELL – I’m not exempt from that and I will be the first to admit the last three years have been filled with moments that not only caused me to pause but come to a complete STOP and re-evaluate life!!
But because I feel every situation is a learning opportunity – I decided to share my latest adventure.
After taking a much needed emotional sabbatical and adjusting to “single life”, with the encouragement from a friend, I created an online dating profile. The idea of going online to find a companion made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Not because I think there’s something wrong with online dating but as a person that has NEVER officially dated (remember I married my high school sweetheart) and was involved in a very toxic and unhealthy relationship for all of my adult life; I didn’t know what to look for, so how in the world would I make a good decision about who to choose on a dating site. Well, I proved myself correct. The first few choices were HORRIBLE! In fact, many of the men on the site were looking for a one night stand or friends with benefits. Well…… that did not set good with me. It caused me to ‘clutch my pearls’! Thankfully I was able to see through the load of bull they were throwing and duck!
When I came across a profile of a married pastor “looking for someone to allow him to explore the other side of his temptation”, yes, that’s exactly what the profile read! I knew I was way over my head and this was not for me. But with more encouragement, it was suggested I choose another app and not throw in the towel so quickly. PAUSE!
As mentioned earlier, I knew I had to face this “pause” because it was causing an interruption in my life. It wasn’t that I wanted to be married again but I did feel something was missing in my life. Companionship had always been a part of my life and I just knew that was what I needed. And more importantly, I had several clients asking me how to re-enter the dating scene after a toxic relationship and I had NO answers! So into the “fire” I dove!
The next dating app was a bit better. It showed great possibility. Although this blog is NOT a review of the apps but more of my experience, drop me a message below if you would like to know my review of the three apps I used.
Admittedly, I met several really nice men, but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself. Thankfully I did a lot of self-discovery prior to going on the dating site but there was still so much more to uncover. I will share more of the self-discovery in another blog. But I highly recommend you doing some self-discover and self-dating prior to exposing yourself to the harshness of online dating.
Diving in, I had all these ideas of what I would and would not accept, what I was looking for, and how I wanted to be treated. I had a long list of non-negotiates. I was swiping left like I already had a man! Then I realized “hold on, Chic! You are being a bit judgmental and bougie. Who do you think you are? What gives you the right to judge these men?” But as soon as those thoughts occurred is as soon as the answers followed. ME!! I give myself the right to judge what I want and don’t want. What’s acceptable and what’s not! I don’t have to settle for something that doesn’t set right with me. I don’t have to accept being mishandled and pass it off as a misunderstanding! I am NOT desperate! I’m actually enjoying being single and getting to know myself. I lived most of my life settling and catering to the needs of others. I don’t have to do that any more. My singleness is a choice not a punishment. That little dialogue alone changed my entire interaction with my “dating experience”.
I would encourage you to ask yourself “Why am I exploring the world of dating? What am I looking for? Am I looking for validation? Am I looking for acceptance? Am I trying to overcome a failed relationship? Am I lonely? Do I feel incomplete? What’s really going on?” You cannot enter this field indecisive! You cannot tip toe around thinking the answer will come. You have to know and you have to be sure of what you know. You must go into this knowing what you want or you will find yourself caught up in what others want to give you! Take yourself off the clearance rack. You are high quality merchandise!
Between all three online dating sites, I only invested 6 weeks to this experience and although this is NOT enough time to get boo’d up and walk down the aisle, I knew that was NOT my objective. Honestly I don’t know if any amount of time would have me walking down the aisle right now. But I do know that it helped me reconnect with myself, take pride in who I am, trust my judgment, and speak up for myself. It helped me set some boundaries and re-evaluate some that have already been set. This experience helped me identify what I like and what I don’t. It helped me see my value through my own eyes an not the eyes of others. It also showed me areas I need to continue to work on. I can still be a little judgmental. I can still be a little bougie. I can still be a little self-righteous. I can be a little petty. I can be a little reserved and over analyze things. But I also know I’m a really good person with a lot of love to share with the right person.
So as I explore the relationships that I did build while doing this experience and work on those areas that present a pause in my life, I have new found information for my clients. The first of which would be do not rush it. Don’t second guess yourself. Don’t do anything you aren’t 100% comfortable with doing. If you don’t heal who you are you will only attract the things that you ran from in the first place. Because whether we want to admit it or not we attract who we we are NOT what we want!
Until Next Time,
