by Coach Tina | Oct 13, 2020 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Fear, Focus, Growth
I would but… I should but… I wish I could… I was going to….
We’ve all had moments where we allowed our fears to stop us right in our tracks. Sometimes the fear is valid but most of the time it was the lack of confidence in our own abilities.
What if I fail? What would people say? How will I come back from it? It’s too hard! I don’t know what to do! What will it look like? Here we are focusing on the “YOU” instead of what is to be accomplished. Fear always points back to you!
Did you know every time you second guess yourself, you allow self-doubt to grow? Change can be scary; but it can also be empowering!
When was the last time you just JUMPED! I mean decided and went for it. If you are honest with yourself it was probably one of the BEST decisions, you ever made. OKAY, I’ll speak for myself. The times when I did not allow my analytic mind to overanalyze the outcome and just did it; not only was it successful but I gained self-confidence, self-trust and self-respect. At the end, I realized there was NOTHING to fear but fear itself! I was allowing my fear, well more the lack of belief in myself and my abilities, to keep me from doing the things I really wanted to do.
I allowed hidden insecurities to keep me away from what I had been praying for. I allowed what wasn’t even in front of me and honestly, what was behind me; to keep me from living the life I desired. The life I craved. The life I deserved!
Don’t get it twisted! I fight fear EVERY DAY! As a survivor of abuse and trauma, it’s a natural response to be extra careful. I mean we lived that life. It was a norm. We were conditioned, groomed and manipulated into living a life of fear and discontentment. We learned to settle. We learned to not rock the boat. We learned to take baby steps or none at all. Don’t move to fast and don’t move without thinking it all the way through. I could cost you!
We were taught our thoughts were invaluable and lacked the ability of fulfillment. We were constantly questioned about every decision and every thought. We began to believe the lies that were told to us. When we did think, there was so much disbelief and anxiety that it caused physical pain. For years I suffered from migraines and backpain only to realize it was stress associated with my lifestyle.
The anxiety associated with that lifestyle began to affect everything in my life; work, friendships, relationships, family, faith, health. I began having problems sleeping. My binging and food addiction took over my life. I isolated myself. I gave up. I knew I would never do anything to hurt myself; but if I didn’t wake up, that would be okay too. I hit rock bottom.
Until…
I got tired of being tired of being tired and decided a change had to occur. But how? My self-esteem was so low. I didn’t trust myself to make any decision. I had no idea what life was supposed to look like. I didn’t know what healthy was because I had never experienced it. Dysfunction was a norm and I ate it every day! How do you go from living on life support to thriving?
Here’s how...
Acknowledge were you are. Decide what you want it to look like. Your image! NOT the image you see on television, read about on social media or in some fiction book or novel. Create your own picture. It doesn’t have to be perfect…when has life ever been perfect? The idea is to make today better than yesterday and make tomorrow better than today. Give yourself permission to try. Give yourself permission to dream. Give yourself permission to live. Surround yourself with people that push you out of your comfort zone and will hold your hand when you are afraid.
Self-love is the one investment you are a guaranteed a return on. I believe in you and will continue to believe in you until you can believe in yourself.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Aug 17, 2020 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, purpose
You may not believe it but there really is a difference between having a “right” and having “permission”. A right to do something comes from justice, law or reason. Permission comes from authorization and consent. Let’s dig deeper.
You have the right to live your life however you decide as long as it’s lawful. You have a right to get married or not get married. You have a right to interact or “entangle” with whomever you would like. You have a right to go to school and get any kind of degree you want. You have the right to vote. You have the right to carry a gun. You have a right to have a baby.
Permission is a little different. Although the law says you can marry whomever you want, certain religions go against same sex marriages or marrying someone who does not have the same beliefs as you do. If you subscribe to those religious beliefs, you may feel you don’t have “permission” to marry whomever you desire. You have the right to go to school but if you don’t pay the tuition, you do not have permission to take the courses. You have a right to have a gun but if you have mental health issues, you will not be issued a permit. You will NOT have lawful permission to obtain a weapon. There is a difference between rights and permissions.
Many live a life where their permission has been stripped away because of their own limiting beliefs, past hurts, and abusive situations. Many will never pursue opportunities because they don’t feel they have the right or permission to do so.
I have seen women remain in abusive relationships because they did not feel they had permission to speak up against what they were experiencing or permission to leave. I’ve seen people remain on a job without significant financial gain because they don’t feel they have permission to ask for a raise. I have seen people walk away from an opportunity because they don’t feel they have permission to obtain it. I have watched people give up on their dreams because they never saw anyone else do what they desired and felt they didn’t have permission to go after that dream.
Give yourself PERMISSION to go after anything and everything your heart desires. Life only holds back those that cannot permit themselves from going after what they want.
When you give yourself permission, you take away the restraints other can place on you.
- Give yourself permission to be happy.
- Give yourself permission to choose.
- Give yourself permission to forgive.
- Give yourself permission to walk away.
- Give yourself permission to heal.
- Give yourself permission to be who you want to be.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Aug 14, 2020 | Empowerment, Focus, Growth, Offer
Everyone has a desire to be a better version of themselves. However, many of us are stuck in denial. We may miss opportunities in our lives to be better because we don’t want to admit there are areas where we are falling short.
Each week I send out a motivational email and a journal prompt to help us move closer to a better version of ourselves. You can add yourself to this email list by clicking here. These prompts are changing lives; starting with mine. Let me say, this week’s prompt had your girl doing some deep diving and self- reflection.
Here is this week’s prompt:
I need to change (blank) so, I can be the person I desire. I desire to be (blank). Seems simple enough right – yeah you work on it!!!
Can I be very transparent for a moment?
I have a mantra I say every morning: Today is a good day. I will walk in my purpose. My purpose is to encourage women to live their best life unapologetically, to let go of things they cannot control and create a life they love. This purpose begins with me.
You see, when I first started coaching, I was NOT living that purpose. Although I was on FIRE! I mean literally on fire! I was determined to FIX every “problem” that was brought my way. I wanted to MAKE everyone want what I wanted for them. I wanted them to see themselves the way I saw them. I wanted to “change” their life. I had a “solution” to every problem.
Can I tell you something else? I was exhausted, unfulfilled and burned out. I was frustrated. I was miserable. I couldn’t understand why my clients were only accomplishing surface goals and not getting the results “I wanted for them”. (catch that) I was jumping from this idea to that just trying to make something happen.
I can admit now, I was hiding my own pain by focusing on the pain of others. I was minimizing my own issues by bringing awareness to the issues of others. I was lying to myself thinking I was okay. When I was a hot azz mess! Those that know me, know I don’t sugar coat anything these days. I also don’t hide anything. When I fail, I fail. But I make it a point to learn from those failures and make it better for myself and the women that come to me having a similar issue.
Soon I realized it is NOT my job to fix problems. It was NOT my job to change anyone (well not by force anyway). It was NOT my job to convince anyone to do anything. MY job was to provide information and allow people to do what’s best for them. It IS my job to live an example of what it looks like on the other side. It IS my job to display my own happiness and watch others want something similar. It IS my job to help people get the results THEY want. It IS my job to be ME!
Back to the journal prompt… Here is part of my journal entry: I need to change the reluctancy to promote my business, my coaching and who I am. I need to stop downplaying my gifts and talents in fear of people seeing it as boasting. I need to provide strategic opportunities for individuals that desire to work with me on a deeper level. My desire is to continue to build women that are unapologetic, intentional and courageous. Women that are healthy, empowered and resourceful in every area of their life.
This prompt helped me to see I was playing safe. I was walking in purpose, but I was being extremely cautious. I was trying to provide safety to my own ego. You cannot build/create the life you desire being cautious. You cannot tear down walls being afraid. You cannot create a masterpiece focusing on the pieces of a broken frame.
Co-dependency is a beast! It will have you thinking the things you desire are impossible. BUT they’re NOT! It’s about living a life that you create. A life that makes you happy. A life that pushes you to be better today than were yesterday. A life that you can be proud of. A life that gives you hope. A life that make you excited about waking up.
One of the goals of my coaching business is to help women create a life they love so they no longer just tolerate life. This can be creating boundaries, letting go of toxic relationships, looking at themselves in the mirror and being honest with what they see, letting go of unrealistic expectations, creating multiple streams of income, walking in their purpose, finding their purpose or just learning to be happy in their own skin.
I hope this prompt gave you an opportunity to look within and do some self-discovery work. Maybe it helped you realized you have been cheating yourself as well. I would say “it’s okay” but it’s NOT! Before you can make any change in your life, you must be willing to identify a change needs to be made. I’m always here to help you should you need someone to bounce things off or create a plan of execution. That’s what I do as a coach- I push you. I encourage you. I challenge you. But more I support you. Let’s make the change you need so you can be the person you truly desire to be.
I only offer coaching opportunities twice a year. I am accepting application for the Fall. If you would like to be considered as a client and submit an application, please click here to schedule a discovery call.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 29, 2020 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus
There are multitude opinions concerning self-reliance. The two I hear the most is everyone SHOULD be self-reliant; relying predominantly on your own powers and resources rather than those of others. The next one is you NEED others to become the person you were created to be. These are great examples why it’s important to know what you want, who you are and who you can depend on! I believe both opinions have very strong and valid argument potential. I also believe you cannot live in a bubble and expect to live a full and vibrant life. BUT you also cannot sit around waiting for someone to ride in on a white horse and save you. You must have a desire for self-reliance and self-preservation.
We were created to dwell among others. I am a true believer, the people you need in your life will appear when you are ready to receive them. I also believe everything you need to be successful is already inside of you, but you must learn how to manifest it and bring it to the surface. “Bringing it to the surface” could merely be reading a book, hiring a coach, sitting under a mentor, praying. But you must be willing to dig! You must be willing to go after what you desire in this life!
Many survivors of abuse or traumatic life experiences, struggle finding a balance between self-reliance and needing outward validation. And why shouldn’t they? For years, they have constantly been told what to do, what to think and how to react. Notice I said react not act.
Self-reliance demands you to be proactive not reactive. It demands you to know what you desire not what others desire for you. It demands you to make yourself a priority, something most survivors know nothing about! Self-reliance requires you to be truthful. Again, not a quality most survivors are comfortable with. Self-reliance says trust yourself. Until they go through a healing process, survivors don’t trust anybody especially not themselves.
So how do you become self-reliant when you are afraid to put that much confidence in yourself:
- Go with your gut – no one knows you better than you. Even in the midst of your fears, there was a still small voice that told you something wasn’t right. You weren’t able to act upon it, but you felt it. You hoped it was not true, but you felt it. Now it’s time to trust that feeling.
- Become your own best friend – it’s time to get to know yourself. You have been faithful and committed to everyone except you. You have made sacrifices for everyone. You have done the unthinkable for the sake of friendship. NOW it’s time to become your own best friend.
- Forgive yourself – It amazes me how easy it is to forgive others yet forgiving our self is one of the hardest things to do. I will admit THIS was my biggest stumbling block. I was so hard on myself because I SHOULD have known better. But, how? Why? Now is the time to forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know and ignoring what you did. We all want to see the best in situations even when they aren’t there.
- Ask yourself the hard questions – Self- reliance is based on what you NEED not what you want. You can never get that until you dig deep inside yourself and determine what you NEED. Ask the hard question. Why can’t I fully depend on myself? Why can’t I move past this place? Why is it so hard? Then listen to the answers. At this point it will be essential for you to change the narrative and create a new thought pattern.
Self-reliance does NOT mean you don’t need anyone. It simply means you have learned to exhaust your own abilities before going to someone else. You are not looking for someone to fix the problem for you. You are not sitting back hoping things just happen. You are taking the initiative and putting in place what you want to happen. Then seeking individual that will help you accomplish your goal. I’m cheering for you. I know coming out of a space where you haven’t had the privilege of depending on yourself, it’s hard to do. But you have no other choice. You must protect the woman you are fighting to become. You must give her a fighting chance. So, again, I ask, who do you depend on?
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 24, 2020 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Growth
Ever wondered why some people are successful and others aren’t? First why are we so worried about what others do? Because we are HUMAN, don’t let no body fool you. We have those moments! However, if you focus on what others do for too long; you could become depressed by your own actions or you may become motivated by theirs!
I’ll take the motivation! I’ve lived a depressed life and it’s NO fun! I’d rather be motivated by what I see instead of depressed by what I don’t. It really is NO coincidence that successful people seek motivation in everything they do. It is, also, NO coincidence that successful people remove things from their lives that don’t motivate/move them. Marie Kondo is making a mint on that philosophy!
What motivates you? What keeps you focused on your goals? Where is your determination level? When you feel like you can’t or don’t want to move forward, what’s going on in your mind? What has your attention?
Here are some ways to help you stay focused and push through your desire to throw in the towel:
- Stop focusing on the past. Your past is just that; the past! Use it as a reference but never as an instruction manual! The instruction manual for your life is constantly being created. You will NEVER have all the answers. Everyday provides opportunities to make edits and improvements. Use them! If you don’t like the way it is, change it! If it didn’t work the way you wanted to work, learn from it and start again. Make the edit.
- Understand your priorities. There is a difference between priority and importance. The happiness of my kids is important to me. When they were younger, it was a priority. Now they are grown, their happiness must be their own priority. The marriage is a priority in comparison to friendships; but friendships are a priority in relation to materialistic items. But nothing is more of a priority than your own happiness and mental health. Read that again!
- Revisit your long-term goals. Setting goals helps you stay focused on the present and on what’s important. They help you prioritize and create momentum. They help you eliminate time wasters and establish routines. But you cannot make them and never revisit them. When you feel like giving up remember why you started in the first place. What goal were you pursuing? Is it still a goal? Is it a priority? Is it important? Or was it something that catered to the “old you”? True goals evolve and become more intentional but the essence of it remains the same.
Success does not happen overnight. It requires discipline and motivation. It requires you letting go of things that prohibit you from moving forward. Yes, even the things you love. If your desire is to lose 50 pounds, you may have to give up Aunt Mary’s famous apple cake and replace it with a baked apple with cinnamon. If your goal is to get the promotion, you may have to replace weekly nights out with the girls for studying ways to sharpen your skill sets.
The road to success can be lonely but when it’s a priority you will make it happen. Stay determined and watch your life change before your eyes. It’s time for you to be successful and happy.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 13, 2020 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus
Survivors of traumatic life experiences tend to struggle making simple decisions; so, life changing decisions take extra effort. Indecisiveness is not because they lack the ability to decide; but usually because one has been chastised for making “wrong” decisions
What do I wear? Where should we eat? What is the right response? Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I enough? Who will this effect? Will they like me? Can I do it? What if I fail? Maybe someone else should do it; I’m not good enough! I don’t have the skills or knowledge to make that choice. What would she do? What would he do?
Making decisions for a survivor is hard work and extremely exhausting!
They tend to weigh every decision as if life depended on it because in most situations it did! They overthink EVERYTHING! Survivors are constantly reassessing their thoughts and ultimately their choices. They lack the ability to know what healthy looks like because they are rarely exposed to healthy choices. They look at every situation from every lens possible just make sure. They seek validation from those that appear to be smarter, wiser, braver, stronger and more confident. Many times, the only validation they truly desire is from the individuals that have abused them.
It can be hard to see yourself as an INDEPENDENT WOMAN when you struggle to make simple decisions. One characteristic of an independent woman is SHE’S DECISIVE. She stands her ground. She does not waiver. She is intentional. She is bold and confident in her choices. If you struggle to make decisions, seeing yourself as independent can be a joke. But here me clear – decisiveness is the ABILITY to decide. You have the ability. It may just require extra effort!
A decisive person is a person who makes a decision and sticks with it. Many survivors are good at that. They made the decision to stay in the abuse even when it wasn’t the best decision. They made the decision to cover the abuse without feeling they had a choice. They made a decision to love past the pain even when it hurt more than they could bare.The ability is there; the reasoning may be questionable. Seeing yourself as decisive when you doubt your ability to make wise choices can cause anyone to second guess themselves.
BRICK: EVERYONE HAS MADE DECISIONS THAT CAUSED THEM TO QUESTION THEMSELVES!
You are NOT alone! The difference is they didn’t allow their choices to defined them. They didn’t allow their choices to keep them from making another decision. They used the lessons as opportunities to create a better way of doing it. You can do the same.
Check out these 5 characteristics of a decisive woman.
- SHE LIVES IN THE PRESENT – she realizes her past is JUST THAT the past! Her focus is on what’s ahead not what’s behind her. There is NOTHING in your past that can stop you without your consent.
- SHE IS RESILIENT – when things don’t go according to plan, she changes the plan not the goal. Resilience says learn the lesson, get up and do it again this time with a better understanding. You are NEVER starting over you are starting again!
- SHE TAKES RISKS – it didn’t work before! Guess what you are a different person now! Talking risk is the only way to push past limiting beliefs. You may surprise yourself with how great of an opportunity you almost missed.
- SHE LOOKS AT THE BIGGER PICTURE – this world is so big and so is life. She realizes life has limited her from seeing the bigger picture. Once she decides there’s more to life, she allows NOTHING to stop her from enjoying it all. NOT even herself.
- SHE IS FOCUSED – she sets goals. She steps out of her comfort zone. She realizes without goals it easy to return to the past. She uses her goals to make decisions not the words of others.
How do you become more decisive?
- Prioritize your thoughts
- Trust your gut
- Take a chance
- REPEAT as many times as necessary!
Getting it right is not the goal; choosing what feels right to you is the goal! You made a choice to step away from toxic and abusive situations. That was one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever made. It was a struggle. It may have taken several attempts, but you made it. Decide what you want now. Trust yourself. Take a chance and if necessary do it again and again until you are satisfied with the outcome. This is your life! You get to decide what feels right. I see you INDEPENDENT WOMAN! It looks good on you!
Until Next Time,
