by Coach Tina | Jul 5, 2022 | Empowerment, Encouragement, purpose
For many African Americans July 4th is just another day on the calendar. We realize our independence is NOT associated with this day at all. For a long time, I didn’t quite get it. I felt we are making something out of nothing. Until I came into my own understanding of why we celebrate June 19th instead. I say this because it gives a caveat for what’s to come in this blog.
Many women live a life where they can authentically celebrate the accomplishments of their family and friends but struggle to celebrate their own accomplishments. We shrink to a spec of dirt if someone applauds our efforts and get our tails in a bunch if they don’t. We are some complex characters. Now if you are not one of those women, maybe this blog is not for you. But I guarantee there have been moments where you downplayed your accomplishments because you didn’t know how to accept the applauds. If so, keep reading.
Independence is a personal declaration. There is NO specific way it is supposed to look. There are no guidelines issued. There is NO right or wrong. You get to determine what independence looks like for you. You also get to decide what you need independence from. Maybe you are seeking independence from traditions that no longer serve you. Maybe it’s an expectation that you had of how things are supposed to be. Maybe it’s disappointment of how things turned out. Maybe it’s sitting quiet when you want to scream. Maybe it’s a timeline that people have imposed on you. Maybe it’s the inner critic constantly reminding you of what you haven’t accomplished. What ever has you strapped in bondage and keeps you from cheering your accomplishments is the THING you may want to seek independence from.
Your independence is personal. It will not look like mine, nor will it look like someone else’s. There is no timeline. No time restraint. No manual. No expectation. NOTHING but your personal declaration of what you want in this life. For many years I lived a miserable life trying to be everything I thought others wanted me to be. I talk in detail about it in my first book, “What You’re Hiding is Hindering Your Blessing”. I thought I needed to be the perfect daughter, mother, wife, employee, friend. I thought if I said no the world was going to open and I was going to fall in. I thought if I didn’t do everything right, I would let someone down. I was miserable. Not from feeling less than but from exhaustion. I was trying to be everything others wanted me to be and not knowing what I wanted to be.
When I decided to take some time to figure out who TINA really was, I found myself lost. I don’t mean like driving down the road and missing a turn type of loss. I was driving in the dark with no lights on kind of loss. I had no direction or guidance. I crashed a lot. Until I found the light switch and turned it on. I still made mistakes. I still took some wrong turns. But I took turns that looked right to me. I took the scenic route, but I found it to be beautiful. I found myself on those winding roads doing it my way. I released myself from the fear, obligation and guilt of the expectations others had for me. I found my independence. I found courage. I found hope. I found a new norm. I found ME. Was it scary? Absolutely but I’d do it all again because without it I would still be trying to please others and living a lie.
So, this year let’s look for our independence. Let’s look for the things we need to release so we can be free to be who we were created to be. There is NO right or wrong. Just a willingness to move forward. Remember the greatest liberation is a desire to let go of being perfect in an imperfect world. What do you need to let go of? I’d love to hear about it.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jun 29, 2022 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, Healing
This month’s focus has been on self-trust and mine have been tested repeatedly. I’m often told “I don’t know how YOU did it. I want to give up! I can’t take anymore.” If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to give up and a quarter for every time
, I STILL mumble about it being too hard. I would be a rich woman! Just because you see me smiling and pushing forward, does NOT mean I don’t cry myself to sleep at times. It does NOT mean I don’t ask “why me?” It doesn’t mean my circle don’t hear about all the hell I face daily.
I could tell how I am overlooked for jobs that I know I can do. How even though I have met some awesome people on my dating journey, I have also met some that should have been flushed! I could tell you how there are days I feel motivated and confident in who I am and then there are days I rip myself apart because my panties and bra don’t match. I could tell you how I can stick to my health regiment while other days I must throw myself into work, so I don’t go on a binge.
I could also tell you that I’m not ready to give up. I fought too hard to get this far to only get this far. I have more in me, and I will not stop until I have accomplished the goals, I have set for myself. I know what it feels like to give up – it’s time to know what it feels like to keep going. Is it easy? Heck NO! Will it be worth it? I certainly hope so. Will I keep going so I can see? Absolutely! Because no one can stop me but me. It’s my choice when to throw in the towel. Because then and only then will I know I have done all I can do. So, from now on I will stop saying I had a rough day; instead, I will say I had a character-building day.
If you are at one of the many crossroads on your journey; where you feel like you cannot go forward, just remember; there was a time you prayed to get here. There was a time it seemed impossible to do half the things you are doing now. BUT look at you! You are accomplishing those once impossible tasks and you will accomplish the next ones if you keep pushing forward.
It does not matter if must crawl, keep going. It does not matter who says NO – as long as you say YES. It does not matter how long it takes, just know it is on its way. Just know you only fail if you stop! Remember tough days build character!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jun 13, 2022 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Healing, purpose
Establishing boundaries and creating self-trust go hand in hand. The more you set and honor your boundaries, the more you begin to trust yourself and believe in yourself. The more you trust yourself, the healthier your boundaries become and the easier it is to implement them.
Many survivors struggle with setting boundaries because they are afraid of offending someone or have never felt comfortable standing up for themselves. They question whether what they desire is feasible, healthy, or fair. They are accustomed to having their needs minimized. They have been told on many occasions NO to things they truly desire. They often question themselves and just as often compare themselves to others.
Theodore Roosevelt pinned the quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. Giving the impression when you compare yourself to other, you will never truly find joy. Having a standard by which you live even when comparing it to someone else, is not in itself a bad thing. However, looking at their situation as unattainable or minimizing your accomplishments as it relates to theirs, now that will rob you of happiness.
Everybody has challenges. You can find a person deemed the most successful, most beautiful, most accomplished and versed and I guarantee if you speak with them in detail, they will have a laundry list of items that challenge them. We are all on a journey to a better version of ourselves.
Self-trust is trusting your abilities, judgement, and qualities. Self-trust is loving yourself through your mistakes and being willing to use them to be better. Self-trust is listening to the small or loud voice telling you, you deserve better. Self-trust is walking away from things that cause you to question who you are and what you want. Self-trust is dismissing negativity that presents itself as a form of criticism. Self-trust is opting out of things that previously hurt you despite your dismissal upsetting someone else. 
Establishing healthy boundaries, gives you permission to live according to the rules you establish for yourself. Healthy boundaries provide consequence to those that break your trust or values. Boundaries do not keep good people out; they keep unhealthy qualities out.
When a person challenges your boundaries many times – NO MOST TIME – it’s because you have set a standard against a behavior they have been allowed to do in the past. That, my friend, is not your problem. If what they have been used to doing, does not set right with you, it is a problem and it is theirs. Give yourself permission to say NO, to stand up for yourself and what you want, to address things that don’t set right with you. Those that truly love you will be accepting of your choice. Those that push back – well they may have a like for you, but they don’t love you the way you need them to.
I know it’s hard to accept that someone you love cannot reciprocate that love. But remember every time you accept their limited love and lack of respect for you, you are robbing yourself of the love you deserve. You are telling the little girl inside of you that she is not enough. You are telling the adult version of yourself that she’s not trustworthy. You have ultimately taken on the role of an abuser in your own life.
But how do you develop a stronger trust in yourself when you have never been taught? Baby steps! You take baby steps! You start small. If you stumble, you get back up, wipe yourself off and do it again and again and again. There is no magical formula for developing self-trust, especially if you have been put in a position where your choices have caused you pain. But here are some strategies.
- Forgive Yourself – Understand the person you were when you made those choices, were making choices based off what appeared best at that time. Those choices may have been appropriate at that time. And even if it did not render the best outcome, you learned something from it.
- Love Yourself – The same love you freely give to others, give to yourself. If you would not say it to a child, don’t say it to you. Self-love is something that does not come easy if you’ve witness trauma. You blame yourself for everything. Gotta stop that. You deserve love especially from yourself.
- Be Patient with Yourself – Rome was not built in a day. Deconstructing self-doubt and re-establishing a healthy dialogue with yourself won’t be either. You would never reprimand a baby for peeing on herself, yet you belittle yourself for trying. No, No, No!
- Cut Off Negativity – Stop it in its tracks. FIRST begin with your own negative talk and behaviors. When you start showing yourself unconditional love, it will be hard to accept disrespect from others. When you find yourself repeating the negative things others have said to you, stop! That is your trauma speaking.
- Prioritize Yourself – Give yourself 21 days to totally focus on you and your wants. Be selfish with your time, your energy, and your thoughts. If it doesn’t benefit in your journey towards self-trust, don’t do it. It’s only TWENTY-ONE days. I promise they will be okay.
I can’t wait to hear all about your journey to self-trust! Join us on one of our platforms: Facebook or Mighty Networks. I look forward to connecting with you.
Until then,
by Coach Tina | May 31, 2022 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Growth, Healing, purpose, Relationships
I can trust myself to make good decision that propel me to be a better me.
Let me start by saying learning to trust yourself after any type of betrayal is HARD! It always amazes me how we can eventually forgive the person that betrayed us yet find it difficult to trust ourselves enough to make decision that prevent us from entering relationships that potentially can cause the same damage.
I’ve had a few moments where I’ve felt the weight associated with being betrayed. I have moments where I felt I had sacrificed my own happiness and desires for others and was let down when they did not reciprocate the effort. It left me feeling I wasn’t doing enough and tried to do more, instead of realizing it wasn’t that I wasn’t doing enough, it was because the other person couldn’t receive what I was offering or unable to show the appreciation I needed them to show.
There is so much to unpack in that statement alone. We should probably do that at some point. But that is NOT what this blog will address. I found the betrayal of others, caused me to question who I was and challenged me to look at what I was doing. I was certain if I could not “satisfy” someone else with my good intentions, then maybe my “good intentions” weren’t good after all.
It took a long time for me to trust my feelings, my apprehensions, my discernment, to trust myself. I still have moments where I question if my intentions are authentic and healthy. I constantly ask myself if I’m making the right decisions. I often over-analyze the situation. I even talk myself out of some things only to go back to them.
I said all of that to say, I really don’t think a person that has been traumatized every stops second guessing themselves and their intentions. It has become part of our norm. However, it does not have to remain our only norm. We can limit our hesitations by learning one simple rule.
It’s only a mistake, if you don’t learn from it.
I had to learn there is not such thing as a mistake; it’s a mishap. There is NO failure. There’s opportunities. You either complete the task or learn what does not work and start again with a different perception. That simple philosophy has changed my entire life, professionally and personally. I don’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I just has to be MY best. PERIODT! If I am giving everything I have and it’s not enough, that is the problem of the recipient not mine. If I am being authentic in what I say and do and they don’t believe it, that’s their problem. If my good isn’t good enough, they are free to find someone they believe can do it better. When I tell you this statement set me free – it would be an understatement. I no longer question whether it’s enough for them, I make sure it’s enough for me. That I am being true to myself and giving the best that I have to offer. Giving my best has allowed me to learn to trust myself again and push myself into the best version of myself. Unapologetic and authentic. Intentional and determined. Bold and courageous. I finally started giving myself what I was wanting from others. Acceptance!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | May 2, 2022 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Healing, purpose
Each day you get a chance to live. I know to some that statement could sound awkward or condescending. But you would be amazed at how many don’t believe they deserve to live or to have the desires of their heart. They have been forced to feel like the happiness of others is more important than their own. They have been made to feel their struggles are irrelevant or petty. They have been taught to put themselves last. They have been conditioned to believe that celebrating themselves or their accomplishments as boasting. They see their achievements as minute or insignificant. They make statements like “that little ol’ thing” or “that was nothing”. They have stopped living for themselves. So I want to remind you that you get a chance to LIVE – everyday!
When you’ve grown through stages where you haven’t been heard or people have led you to doubt your thoughts, it causes you to question your existence and your purpose.
Each one of us was born with purpose and an assignment. Our purpose is formed though life’s lessons, interactions, connections, and circumstances. They form through challenges and hardships. They become relevant through the people we have been assigned to. YES, you have been assigned to someone. To some purpose. To some objective. Your life was destined.
You were created on purpose, with purpose and for a purpose.
Many times, people will go through their whole life unable to articulate what their purpose is. Have you ever made the statement, “there has to be more to life than this?” Have you ever felt like you were just going through the motions and unable to figure out what you were supposed to do?
Most times it’s the thing you shy away from or avoid that will help you to articulate your purpose. Sometimes it’s the things people always come to you for advice about. Sometimes it’s the thing that comes easy. But it is there. Waiting for you to acknowledge it. Waiting for you to give it permission to present itself to you. See those close to you can already identify it but it may take time for you to see it as something special because you use it every day.
That little girl that was told she talks too much, could have a word to share with others but question herself because people have tried to silence her. The little girl that is always asking questions, could be forming a coaching business inside of her. She could become one of the best attorneys in the world. She could become a consultant that helps organizations reach the mases. Yet because she was told to stop asking so many questions, she hesitates to speak up as an adult.
What were you told as a little girl that you are allowing to hold you back from identifying your purpose and living your assignment? What have you allowed to keep you from showing up each day, fulfilled with a desire to live unapologetically and authentically? Do you find yourself hiding behind your challenges? Do you find yourself afraid to move forward because you don’t know what tomorrow will look like?
It’s time to FOCUS! It’s time to get out of your own thoughts and lean into the purpose and assignment you have been given. Regardless of what you have heard, IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU, it’s time to let your light shine brightly that it helps lead someone else down a dark path they’ve been afraid to travel.
So today, whenever you are seeing this blog, remember you get a chance to LIVE. You get a chance to be the light in your own life first and then the light in someone else’s. It’s through your living that you walk courageously through your purpose towards your assignment.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Apr 25, 2022 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, Healing, Highlights, purpose
There’s a difference between feeling needed and feeling appreciated.
When a person or system needs you, they have an acceptance for what you bring to the table. They realize you fill a spot they 
don’t want to fill themselves or haven’t found someone else to do it in the manner you do it. BUT when they appreciate what you do, they don’t WANT anyone else to fill that spot. They realize you are the BEST person to do it.
So often we sit at tables where we’ve been needed but not appreciated. It’s time to excuse ourselves.
When my kids were younger, protocol was to ask to be excused from the table. Many times the dinner table was the only time we sat together as a family, shared highlights about our day, laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. So to get up and walk away was deemed disrespectful to the moment and those at the table. Regardless if you were finished eating or not you remained in place until given permission to leave.
But now as adults, we no longer need permission to excuse ourselves. We’ve learned when it’s appropriate to step away. When the conversation no longer serves us, or when it begins to offend us, we have free will to remove ourselves. Yet many will remain out of fear that our absence would be offensive or that our presence will be needed. We’ve began to accept being needed instead of being appreciated.
We waited a long time to be invited to the table so we sit as long as possible even though it has served its purpose in our lives. Being invited to the table is an honor. Being accepted as part of the elite is the goal, right? NO! Being appreciated at the table IS THE GOAL!
Build your own table and stop looking for an invite. Not because you’re not needed at the table but because you deserve to feel appreciated at the table! That table could be a job, a relationship or a friendship or systematic norms. When you realize you are a placeholder, simply excuse yourself; exit left unapologetically. You have too much to offer to only be needed!
When you start to realize your worth you start seeing things different. When you value your worth, you stop tolerating less than you deserve. You are no longer a child, you no longer have to ask to be excused. Simply and politely (if warranted) excuse yourself and move on. You are enough. You don’t need the validation of others to create a space where you are appreciated. Show up each day with appreciation for yourself. And soon they will be asking to sit at your table.
