by Coach Tina | Mar 24, 2016 | Talks with Tina
Y’all (in my southern voice) are forcing me to come out of my comfort zone. I usually focus my blog or posts on something encouraging or motivating. If a holiday is near, I may post something about it. There are two months that I set aside to bring awareness to abuse, April and October. Well as most of you know a couple weeks ago I did a blog called “Is Sorry Enough” and several people sent me messages wanting more information. Because of the many questions that stemmed from that blog, I’ve decided to dedicate one blog per week to discuss these issues. Here are a few of the questions that came up. If you have more, please feel
free to send me a message:
- What makes a man abuse a woman?
- How do you know if it’s abuse or just “the way he is”? (we are really gonna talk about this one)
- How do I get out of an abusive relationship?
- Why do women stay in abusive relationships?
- What do you do if your friend is in an abusive relationship?
I realize you can not be YOUR BEST YOU if you are fighting you way through an abusive relationship. You will never know your own worth with someone constantly telling you you are worthless. However before we go any further, let me make a disclaimer. I am not a therapist. I am not a Psychologist. I am a domestic violence survivor willing to share what I know to hopefully help someone else.
One more thing, if you feel you are being abused, you probably are. No one can tell you what abuse feels like to you. Never allow anyone to tell you that you are overreacting or being sensitive. If it feels like abuse to you, that’s all that matters.
You were not created to be mistreated. You were created in the image of God and He loves you too much for anyone to mistreat you. We all know there are “circumstances” that seemingly prohibits a person from ending an abusive relationship but I beg you PLEASE if you are in a physically abusive relationship and you feel your life or the life of your children are in danger, please get help NOW. No relationship is worth your life.
I came across this list and thought it appropriate to share with you. If you see yourself in any of these situations, you are possibly an abused woman and you need to seek help. Sadly, I have to admit at some point in my life, I’ve seen myself in many if not all of these situations.
14 Characteristics of an Abused Woman
The 14 characteristics common to abused women are:
- Abused women have to guess at what normal behavior is.
- Abused women have difficulty maintaining their focus and drive.
- Abused women are often paralyzed by their own negativity so they find it hard to start something new and an uphill struggle to see it through.
- Abused women judge themselves without mercy.
- Abused women feel they always have to justify themselves.
- Abused women have difficulty being light-hearted.
- Abused women have difficulty trusting.
- Abused women take everything very seriously.
- Abused women overreact and catastrophize even over small problems.
- Abused women faithfully record every last criticism they experience and they discount praise.
- Abused women usually feel they are different to other people as a result of their relationship.
- Abused women need approval and affirmation and tend to look for it in all the wrong places.
- Abused women are extremely loyal, even despite the evidence that their loyalty is underserved.
- Abused women envisage a future that will be just as hard as the present.
If you know someone that can benefit from these discussions, please share it with them. If you have questions you would like me to discuss, please forward them to me. If you have something you would like to share with other women, please send me an email. Remember you are not alone in this, you can always send me a message here at info@tinabaileyonline.com or send me a private message via Facebook at Tina Bailey Online. No one should feel alone especially while dealing with something like this. I’m just a message away.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Mar 18, 2016 | Encouragement
Who remembers the cassette tape? I remember sitting up until the wee hours of the night making the perfect mixed tape. As a matter of fact I still have some in my attic (I wonder will they work). The one thing I would hate was when the tape player would get stuck and cause the tape to spin around the rollers and unravel. I would spend hours trying to get it out of the player, making sure it didn’t break and even longer winding the tape back up. The things you could do with a pencil and some “time”. 
Life was simple then.
Do you remember the big fall out you had with your best friend? You were so mad. You vowed to never speak to her again. Yet by the end of the day, you had settled the issue and moved on. All was forgiven and you were laughing like nothing ever happened. Life was simple then.
Do you remember when you weren’t allowed to hang around the house (running up the light bill)? It was easy to get a game of kickball or stickball going on any given day. When you couldn’t find a ball, you found other entertainment like jack rocks or hop scotch. You took time to walk and meet your friends instead of texting them on the phone or sending messages on Facebook. Life was simple then.
Some where we lost the simplicity of life and replaced it with stress and chaos. We got caught up in the gloom and doom of it all. We tend to get caught up in stuff instead of relationships. We take for granted that a smile can change a person’s day. We depend on others to make us happy when all we have to do is look around and be grateful for what we see.
True happiness will never be found in other people. As soon as they do something that you don’t like (and they will) there goes your happiness. Many times we find ourselves doing things to make others happy. Let me help you—you can’t MAKE anyone happy. If you are honest with yourself, when you strive to make others happy you end up losing sight of who you are and what makes you happy. So just focus on the one person you can control — YOURSELF!!
Bring the simplicity back. Take the time to listen to music. Go on a stroll through the park. Call a friend. Learn to play again. Smile for no reason. Laugh as loud as you can. Make a decision to not worry about anything for at least an hour. Breath deep. Watch the clouds. Just be free.
I don’t know about you but I’m ready to make life simple again. What signifies simplicity in your life? Take a moment and rest in it. I promise the problems that you lay down for that moment will be right there waiting for you when you are ready to pick them back up. But for now just make it simple…
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Mar 11, 2016 | Abuse
I struggled with writing this blog this week. You see, I always want my blogs to be uplifting or transforming. I want them to encourage and push you into being the best version of yourself that you can be; however, this week I found myself constantly having to start over because of a heaviness on my heart.
This week we have heard about a man admitting to shooting his girlfriend, we heard about a man beating his wife with a stool over a social media post, we heard were a man pushed his stepson in a scalding hot tub for “misbehaving” in preschool, we heard where a woman was stabbed to death by her boyfriend for threatening to leave him, we heard about a woman fatally shot by her boyfriend one hour after she bailed him out of jail for assaulting her days before. The news also stated that while drug bust and drug related crimes hit the headlines each week, domestic violence crimes are just as big of a problem if not bigger (News800.com)
Domestic Violence has been around a long time. It’s nothing new. In fact, we can track it as far back as biblical times, Judges 19:1-30 is just one example (focus on 25-30). It jus
t seem that now people are getting bolder and have a lack of remorse about what they do.
I wish I could say I understood what would cause a person to mistreat another person, but I don’t. I wish I could say I didn’t understand what would cause a person to stay with someone that mistreats them, but I can’t. I wish I knew a way to end the violence, but I don’t. All I know is, it’s time for it to STOP!
With each generation, the abuse is becoming more and more graphic and demeaning. People are killing the people they say they love over hear-say. People are losing their lives over lies. People are taking their own lives out of fear of what someone else may do to them. And we are continually teaching our kids to accept being degraded by words and actions and taught to move on at the mere mention of an apology. I don’t feel just saying “I’m sorry” is enough. I don’t feel a continuation of everyday life as you know it is appropriate when your actions have changed the life of the person you assaulted.
As a survivor of assault, I understand the struggle the victim faces each and every day. How they blame themselves for the mistreatment. How they try to figure out what they could have done differently to avoid the situation at all. They play over and over in their head, not only the actual assault but the moments that led up to and the moments afterwards. They are inflicted with a constant sense of disgust and anger towards themselves. They are embarrassed because they constantly tell themselves they should have known better or they should have done something to prevent the act. But what they struggle the hardest to do is forgive themselves and realize it wasn’t their fault.
So the next time you read about a “victim of domestic violence”, please don’t question why they stay. Please don’t try and give them reasons why they should leave. And please don’t remind them of the act in which they have endured. Instead remind them that “this was not their fault”. Remind them they are good people that deserve to be treated as such. Show them love and compassion. Be patient with them. And above all show empathy, the one their abuser could never do.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Mar 3, 2016 | Growth
I can’t take anymore!
I have too much to do!
Are You Overwhelmed?
I will never finish!
I’m tired!
I must be crazy or something to have thought I could do this!
I can’t be everything for everyone!
I wish I had some help!
I can’t do everything!
I’m doing the best I can!
Do any of those statements sound familiar? Have your everyday task become overwhelming? Are you “too busy”? Are your responsibilities taking over your life? Do you find there are too many things to do? If only you had a few extra hours in the day… Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you will NEVER get more hours in the day. But I have good news for you – you have all the time you NEED to do the things you have to do!
It’s clearly a matter of changing your thinking and how you deal with projects. There are basically two types of people in the world (and of course those that think they are a combination of both):
The Result-oriented thinker. They focus on the end results. The Process-oriented thinker. They focus on the process needed to accomplish the end result.
Here is an example: A result-oriented thinker will say I have to clean my house. They focus their attention on everything that has to be completed and the time needed to accomplish it. They usually keep a running list in their mind of the things to accomplish. Usually resulting in them becoming frustrated, irritable and overwhelmed. Because of these feelings of frustration, most result-oriented thinkers get little done. A process-oriented thinker usually has composed a list of things needed to clean the house. They choose one thing at a time and focus on it. If they are cleaning the kitchen, that’s what they focus on, the bathroom and so forth. They don’t focus on the time it will take. They usually get more accomplished because they focus on small accomplishments providing them more victories.
You see when you focus on the big picture you become overwhelmed and ultimately give up; therefore, NOTHING gets accomplished. My grandmother would say it like this “You will never eat the elephant focusing on its size”. Instead of focusing on all the things you have to do, do one thing at time and enjoy your accomplishment.
Being overwhelmed is a CHOICE!
I know that sounds harsh but it’s a reality!! You are overwhelmed because you decide to be! You have taken on more than you are capable of accomplishing at one given moment. NEWSFLASH: You are the one to decide what you can successfully accomplish each day. You are overwhelmed because you are focusing your attention on the big picture instead of breaking it down in to bite size pieces. Again, you are overwhelmed because you choose to be.
6 WAYS TO STOP FEELING OVERWHELMED
- WRITE IT DOWN – Write down everything you need to accomplish. This frees your mind from the burden of trying to remember. Should you “forget”, it is right there in black and white.
- PRIORITIZE – Ask yourself “Is this something that has to be done right now or can it wait?” If it has to be done right now- DO IT! If it can wait, pull out your planner and schedule a time to complete it and stick to it. NOTE: Putting off too many things will cause for another overwhelming day.
- DO THE THINGS YOU ENJOY, DELEGATE THE OTHERS – I hate cleaning the bathroom and my husband hates making the bed so I will never ask him to make the bed and he never complains when it’s time to clean the bathroom. We compromise and it works. We are both happy and not overwhelmed when it comes to those chores.
- SET A TIMER – I mentioned in a previous post, I am a bit OCD and the simplest task can consume a lot of my time and throw off my schedule. I’ve learned to set a timer. I give myself 15 minutes, 30 minutes, etc. depending on how much time I think I will need for the project I’m working on. Then I work as quickly and as efficiently as I can, when the timer goes off I look to see if there are any things that “have” to be done. If not, I’m finished. Remember done is better than perfect.
- STOP THE “SHOULDS” – We look at what society says our lives “should” look like. We believe what others say we “should” be doing. What will make your life easier? What will make you happy? What will keep you from being overwhelmed? Those are the things you need to focus on. Don’t let someone else’s “should” control your life.
- GET RID OF DISTRACTIONS: If you know you have work to do, don’t log onto social media. I love social media but it can be very time consuming. You log on to check on one notification and before you know it – it’s 2 hours later and you have accomplished nothing on your to-do list. Maybe your distraction is the telephone. Do you have that one girlfriend who always call when you have a project to work on. Learn to set boundaries. Let your girlfriend know you will call her later and she will have your undivided attention but right now you must finish this project. The distractions MUST go!
- EAT THE FROG! – Just do it. Do that thing you have been putting off. As long as you put it off, it will NEVER get done. So many times our overwhelmed feeling is not from what we have to do but what we have put off doing.
I hope this helped with those overwhelming feelings. Remember life is too short to focus on things that don’t matter. I’d rather have a semi-cleaned room than to find myself yelling at my child to pick up the one sock laying in the floor. Making a game out of cleaning the backyard will help it not appear as this gigantic chore that no one wants to do. Sitting down on Sunday and preparing lunch for the week will provide me with a little extra time to spend with my children or my husband each night. Small things add up. But it all starts with your thinking and the choices you make.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Mar 1, 2016 | Growth, Offer
As women we are quick to say “I’m a Strong Woman” yet we live lives that do NOT show strength at all. Below is a list of characteristics of a strong woman.
10 Characteristics of a Strong Woman
- She knows what she wants. A strong woman lives with purpose. Each step she makes is designed to get her closer to her goals. She knows she can have anything her heart desires.
- She is financially stable or on her way. A strong woman does not depend on a man to “pay her way”. She understand the quote “God bless the child that has her own”. She strives to keep her finances in order and is always ready for the next opportunity.
- She is willing to try new things. A strong woman is willing to go the extra mile to get what she wants in life. She will not allow the unknown to keep her from accomplishing her goals. She will ask questions, research data or use “trial and error” to move to the next level.
- She does NOT settle. A strong woman states settling is not an option. She understands her worth and is willing to work for what she wants. She will not settle for second best because that is not a part of her character.
- She’s understands her past does NOT define her. A strong woman realizes, although there are things in our past that we wish we could erase or forget, these things do not define her they helped shape her into the person she has become.
- She realizes her future is in her hands. A strong woman realizes that happiness is a choice and she is responsible for making it her choice. She realizes the road to her dream world has been set before her and she must travel it even if it’s alone.
- She is a leader, not a follower. A strong woman will never be found following the crowed. Although she is able to adapt to any situation, she knows how to control a room and change her surroundings to fit her needs.
- She understands “NO” is a complete sentence. A strong woman is not afraid to say no and will do it unapologetically. She realizes that saying yes, and not meaning it, will only cause personal regret in the long run.
- She is willing to forgive. A strong woman know that holding grudges provides the chains to keep her in bondage. Although she will not excuse your wrongdoing, a strong woman will forgive you realizing forgiveness is something she does for herself not for you.
- She looks for ways to improve herself and her surroundings. A strong woman never grows complacent with where she is. She realizes there is ALWAYS room for improvement. She understands that learning increases her worth. She also looks for ways to encourage growth in those around her.
Are you a STRONG WOMAN?
I’m offering a free coaching consultation to the first 5 women to email me at info@tinabaileyonline.com with your answer – Put- “I need to strengthen my life muscles“ in the subject line.
Until Next Time,
Tina
free to send me a message:
