by Coach Tina | Apr 8, 2016 | Talks with Tina
Q: Why do women 
stay in abusive relationships? If it’s so bad why don’t they just leave?
A: This question was personal to me. Because not only have I asked someone this question but I’ve been asked this question. It gets to the point that you don’t tell anyone what’s going on because you know they will never understand. I used to say I was staying because of the kids. I would say it was because of finances. I would even say because God didn’t tell me to leave yet. And although those reasons were true, they weren’t enough to stay if I really wanted to go. I had to come clean and be honest with myself. I stayed because I didn’t think I deserved any better. I stayed because it had become the norm. I stayed because although it hurt I knew what to expect (it was comfortable).
Now having said all of that let me make something clear….Please don’t throw in the face of a person that is in the midst of an abusive situation all the reasons she need to leave. She really don’t need to hear that and she needs to make up her mind as to what is best for her and come to grips with what is keeping her in the situation. You may have your own thoughts as to what’s best and you may even be trying to keep her safe. But telling her what to do is the worst thing you can do. Because now you are taking away her ability to choose what she “wants” to do. Basically you are no better than the person abusing her.
You see things can be extremely bad. There can be all the signs of abuse. There can be physical evidence: bruises, broken bones, swollen eyes, etc. But until she has made up in her mind that she is ready to leave she will keep going back and you reminding her of how bad of a choice it is, will only push her into his arms faster. Just be patient with her. Just love on her. Just remind her that you are there for her. Let her know that you care about her and that you know she is able to make the best decision for herself (even if she don’t believe it).
To the woman in an abusive relationship: I know you think you don’t have a choice. But you do. I know you think no one cares about you (he’s told you that a million times). But I care. I know you don’t see how you are going to make it. You really don’t need to. What you need to know is the longer you stay in the situation, the worse it’s going to get. Today it may be yelling, tomorrow it could be hitting by the next day you may not be alive to tell what happened. In no way am I telling you what to do because I really do believe you are able to decide what is best for you. You may not know how you will do it and that’s okay. There are people available to help you with that. All you need to do is make a decision that you are ready for the abuse to stop. I am praying for you. I am praying that you will see how special you are and that you will come to understand that love does not hurt. I pray that you will realize you are unable to change anyone and you cannot make someone love you. You can always reach out to me at info@tinabaileyonline.com or send me a private message on Facebook at Tina Bailey Online.
by Coach Tina | Apr 8, 2016 | Fear
Do thoughts of the future scare you? Do the inability to know what tomorrow holds keep you up at night? Have you ever wondered if you made the right decision? Or maybe you focus on what someone may be saying about you? Some people become so consumed with their thoughts that they become overwhelmed and even paralyzed.
Fear has a way of controlling you physically and mentally. Some people get so consumed by their fears that they have panic or anxiety attacks. I’ve actually witness someone experiencing an attack and it’s not very pretty. They were shaking, sweating, and gasping for air. They began grabbing their chest saying their heart was racing. It was quite scary if you ask me. It’s definitely not something I care to experience again.
More and more people are suffering from the anxiety, causing many to take medicines to control symptoms associated with it. It’s easy to find therapist and/or coaches that focus on helping people deal with anxiety. Special exceptions are made for people who have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. And to those who have ever experienced an attack, it’s real. It’s scary and it’s difficult to deal with.
But what is anxiety? I mean we hear about people having attacks. We’ve heard of people hyperventilating to the point they lose consciousness or pass out. But what is it exactly?
I was listening to a scope about anxiety and it got me to thinking. So what does Tina do when she start thinking – she does research! Anxiety is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease. It typically occurs when there is an event or there is an uncertainty about the outcome of a situation. Now let’s break that down in everyday language.
Anxiety is a feeling that happens when you are scared of what may happen in the future.
Wow!! There is so much I want to say about this but I’m going to keep it to the minimum.
- Anxiety is a feeling. Y’all know my take on feelings. They are controlled by YOU!! So that means you can control it. Now it takes practice. It takes determination. It also takes time to master that control. But you can control it because it is a feeling. You are the only one that can control how you feel about something.
- Anxiety happens when you are scared. The bible clearly states “God did not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). So where did it come from. Fear is an emotion. Sometimes fear keeps us from walking into situations that can cause us harm but then there are times, it hinders us from walking into the blessings God has for us.
- Anxiety focuses on the future. It is not our job to focus on tomorrow. When we focus on tomorrow we lose valuable time. Time to accomplish what we are supposed to do TODAY. You cannot control tomorrow so why waste time dwelling on it? Therefore; do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself (Matthew 6:34).
Okay, so now what? You told me what anxiety is but why did I really need to know this? You see you will never be able to walk in your purpose focusing on your fears. The enemy wants you to focus on the things that will hinder you from moving forward. That being said, when you apply attention to fear, it has a way of growing. Fear grows into anxiety and will destroy you. Remember whatever you water will grow.
The bible gives specific instructions on how to deal with anxiety (fear). Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7) HUH????
- DON’T BE AFRAID – Make a decision that you are not going to fear the unknown. Focus on the things you can control not the things you CANNOT! Remember God has your back, your front and your sides!!
- PRAY – I know! But you have to learn to refocus your attention – what better way than having a talk with God to do just that. Remember He created you so He knows what you need.
- PRAY with supplication – Supplication means an earnest specific request. Deliberately asking God for what you desire expecting an answer and a result. If you are fearful, ask God to remove it. If you can’t sleep ask God to help you. Ask SPECIFICALLY for what you desire.
- BE THANKFUL – It is hard to focus on “what is NOT” and “what is” at the same time. You are a child of the most high so why are you focusing on what others “say” you are. They really don’t know who you are anyway.
- SEEK PEACE – Get quiet. Get in a peaceful place physically and mentally. Surround yourself with positive, peaceful people. Get rid of the negative things in your life. Remember you mimic what’s around you.
- LISTEN – God will send you instruction. He will speak to your heart and to your mind. But it will be hard for you to hear if you are not listening for His voice.
We all get scared some times. In all honest, if you never had a fear, that would concern me. It’s really a part of nature. It’s normal. The thing is don’t let your fears become bigger than God. Be anxious for nothing. Allow the things that concern you, become the things that inspire you. Every trial in your life can become a part of your testimony. What you see as mess, God can use as a message. You just have to be willing to let him.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Mar 30, 2016 | Talks with Tina
Question: My friends say I am in an abusive relationship but I don’t think I am. He only hit me once and promised never to do it again. He’s very passionate about things and sometimes he gets loud to get his point across. My friends say that’s not normal. He reminds me of my dad. He was like that. He would get upset when we didn’t do what he told us and would beat us. At least my boyfriend never does that he just yells. I just have to pay better attention. Do you think this is normal behavior?
Answer: My heart goes out to you for having lived a life that requires you to accept being yelled at as normal behavior. We all get upset from time to time and we will say things that we don’t mean. However, if you are in a situation where you are afraid of being “punished” for not doing something, that is abusive behavior. You mentioned that your boyfriend reminded you of our father when he yells at you. I’m curious to know how that makes you feel. I don’t want to read more into your question than there is but it seems as if you are justifying your boyfriend’s behavior by what you were accustom to as a child. It also seems that you are quick to make sure you “pay better attention” to prevent the yelling from becoming physical. My dear, you do not have to live a life of fear. Fear keeps you stuck. It paralyzes you and you will never be able to move forward.
I don’t want to go any further without addressing the fact that he hit you. Yes, I read it clearly. You said it only happened once. Once is more than enough and you can believe that it will happen again. When you allow misbehavior it is guaranteed to continue. I don’t know what led up to the behavior and it really don’t matter. What matters is the fact that you think it is okay. You were not created to be abused whether it’s through someone hitting you, yelling at you or playing mind games with you. Abuse is abuse and should not be tolerated.
You think your friends are being judgmental and hard on you but they are just concerned about your safety. They want you to not only be safe they want you to be happy. They are bringing these things to your attention because they care about you. It’s good that you have friends that care about you.
It’s hard to think that the person you love could actually be mistreating you. It’s easy to blame yourself for the behavior because (1) it is what you were used to doing (2) blaming him will mean either he don’t love you or you are betraying him, which neither is true. He may love you but he has anger issues that you cannot help him with and you are not betraying him, you are protecting yourself or (3) it may cause worse behavior.
I will be honest with you addressing the issue could cause worse behavior therefore make sure when you address it you are not alone. Before you approach him, call and talk to the counselors at INTERACT or the Domestic Violence Hotline. The main thing is to make sure you are safe and don’t assume that additional abusive behavior will not occur. I pray that you both get the help you need. You are too important to God to live a life in fear. 
Thank you for submitting your question.
by Coach Tina | Mar 28, 2016 | Encouragement, Focus, Growth
You ever had those days where it seems you just can’t hear from God. You’ve prayed, you’ve fasted and then prayed some more. But nothing…. You want to say “Hey, is this mic on?”
Let me help you, my dear, God heard you! He heard you the first time, he heard you the second time and he heard you this time. And in most instances, He has given you the answer you just didn’t want to accept that answer. It wasn’t what you wanted to hear. You wanted something like “it’s not your fault” or “I’ll handle it” or “it’s on the way”. But what He said was “you ain’t ready for that” or “now is not the time” or “you need to stop doing that first”.
Listen so many of us have this image of God in His long, white robe, smiling, passing out blessings. We go to Him with our hands outstretched expecting an immediate answer to the problem we have been holding on to for years. I have a question. Why didn’t you go to God before it became a problem? Why didn’t you ask His thoughts when it was just a thought in your mind? I’ll tell you… because it was what you wanted to do. It felt right. It felt good.
You see that’s the problem with sin. Sin keeps you trapped by making you feel good. If it didn’t feel good, who would want to do it? If it wasn’t appealing, who would stay in it? I’ve never known a person to remain in any situation that wasn’t offering some type of benefit. But don’t you realize every benefit is not a good benefit.
Okay, I’m off my soapbox but let’s be real, we have to put in some work to get what we want in this life. The bible says “I come that you may have life more abundantly”.(John 10:10) Okay, let’s break that down. But first let’s go back to the beginning of the verse – The enemy comes but to steal, kill and destroy. The enemy’s plan is to strip you of your hopes, of your dreams, of your desires. He wants to leave you with nothing. And he will use anyone willing to help in his scheme.
But God says oh no, I come that you may have life more abundantly. God is saying the life you desire, I want more than that for you. I want the best for you. I want you to have more than you can hope for. More than you can dream possible. More than you could ever desire. He says you see I knew you when you was in your mother’s womb. I have plans for you!!!
Now what that abundant life looks like to me may be different than what it looks like to you. And I guarantee what it looks like to us is different than it looks to God. You see God has a plan for you. And anything you place in your life that will hinder you from accomplishing that goal will not be comfortable and will not lead you to the abundance you desire. So when you go to God asking for something and you don’t get the answer you desire… ask yourself “is this request helping me with the plan God has for my life or will it be a distraction?” If you are continuously praying for something and feel you haven’t received an answer, maybe you need to accept He may be waiting for you to line up with His plan.
God is faithful and loving AND He really wants to bless you. But you have to position yourself to receive the blessings. Don’t ask God for that man that belongs to someone else. Don’t ask God to clear up your debt when you are constantly purchasing unnecessary things. Don’t ask God for a new job when you don’t go to the one you have on time. Don’t ask God for a new car when you don’t take care of the one you have. But more importantly, God isn’t concerned with your stuff. Stuff will come and go. I guarantee anyone that has left this earth could care less about the ‘stuff’ they left. God is concerned with your soul and what you are doing to be a witness of Him to those He place in your path. All of us may never enter a pulpit – some will never even go into a church. But the life you live before those in your circle will be a testimony of what God is doing in your life. Your life can be an example of the abundance the bible talks about. The way you love unconditionally. The way you help those that can’t help themselves. The way you forgive. The way you smile just because there is peace and joy on the inside. You see that is the abundant life that He has for you – peace and joy! Not stuff!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Mar 25, 2016 | Encouragement, Growth
Today is…
To some it merely means a day off work. To some it means an extra day to go shopping and prepare for Easter Sunday. But for those that understand what happened on that Friday, this is a bitter-sweet day.
On this day, they put nails in my savior’s wrists and feet then hung Him on a cross. On this day, they insulted Him and beat Him. On this day, they gave Him vinegar to quench His thirst. On this day, He bowed His head and died. On this day, they placed His body in a tomb. On this day, God had to do what He promised never to do again, He turned His head away. But then it was this day, the Jesus recognized I would need help so He sacrificed His life to save mine. It was on this day, the enemy lost all power over the lives of God’s people. It was this day that allowed us all an opportunity to see God one day. It was Him giving up His life so that I can have an abundant life. So on one hand my heart is sad but on the other I’m forever grateful.
We talk a lot about a “sacrificial praise”. We even sing the song “Sacrifice of Praise”. Many of us will go to church today, tomorrow or Sunday and wave our hands, lift our voices all in the name of offering a sacrifice of praise. But the ultimate sacrifice of praise God desires is your soul. Not just the words, not the little cute post on social media, not just the outward expression or what you think people will see, He wants it ALL. He desires when someone has mistreated you, you can forgive. He desires when you have little, you can share. He desires when you are talked about, you can pray instead of retaliating. He desires when you don’t feel like it, you can do the right thing. He wants all of you. He wants the best of you. Not just the parts you want to give, He wants the part you think you are hiding. The lying, the stealing, the lust, the smoking, the cursing, the drinking – ALL OF IT!
We are all excited about Easter Sunday or Resurrection Sunday. We will walk into the church with our Sunday best. We may even drop a tear as the preacher reminds us of what took place during this season. But what about Monday, will you take the time to truly give thanks for the sacrifice of life that was made for you. Remember God sent His ONLY son… Jesus left the comforts of heaven…all so that we would not have to die for our own sins.
So instead of focusing on what pair of shoes will go with that dress, how you want your hair done, what color the family will wear this year, or complaining about how early you will have to get up in order to arrive at church to get a seat, how about asking yourself “what is God asking me to give up” or a better question “what am I willing to give up”?
Wishing you all a Happy Easter and a Reflecting Resurrection Sunday.
Until Next Time,
stay in abusive relationships? If it’s so bad why don’t they just leave?
