by Coach Tina | Dec 10, 2021 | Abuse, Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, purpose
You are not self-centered! Read that again!
A call with a focused relentless, self-sacrificing, yet timid, guarded people pleaser revealed a woman struggling to pursue her dream of starting a business not because she lacked motivation; but because she was told it was selfish to devote so much time on something that would ultimately fail. 
Anger was not a strong enough word! I would need to seek legal council for the words and things I wanted to say and do to her abuser.
Every day, I see women make sacrifices to support the dreams of others. Yet sit on their own. In their minds they feel the idea is not good enough or they, themselves aren’t good enough. They can see the fire for others but can’t personally move past the negative self-talk that sounds like the voice of an abuser.
At some point in her life someone planted seeds of doubt and fear in the mind of my caller and it warped her 
ability to see herself achieve success. Now she had settled into a relationship with someone that did not want her to grow outside of the box they found her in.
This is yet another subtle display of abuse! An abuser does not have to hit you to abuse you.. if they can rob you of your ability to see better for yourself, they have accomplished their goal. Many abusers are aware if you see your true potential and walk in your assignment, they would lose their control over you. Remember abuse is all about control.
Pursuing your dream does not make you self-centered or selfish nor will it cause you to abandon those you love or upset those that love you. In fact it will build confidence, self-reliance and help you teach others how to treat you.
I contracted with that woman! I was determined to help her see her worth, take back her life and open her business. She did all three and is doing amazing.
Calls like that remind me why I do what I do. I am more determined than ever to build a system where women support, motivate and encourage each other to boldly pursue their dreams, walk with confidence and tendency and step out of a cycle of abuse.
I hate abuse. I hate abusers. But I despise a coward that uses fear to hold someone back from pursuing their dream.. oh wait that’s just another definition of an abuser.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Nov 8, 2021 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, Healing
“Your lack of motivation or limited motivation is NOT because you are doing something wrong!”
Yes, that was the statement I had to say out loud and embrace as my current truth. I found myself trying to get motivated to do the things that I loved, yet it was not working. The harder I tried, the harder it became. I felt stagnant and unproductive. I felt as though I could not get it together. I felt unappreciated and taken advantage of. I felt as though those around me “should” see the disconnect. But they did not and that made me feel even worse. What the hell was I doing wrong??
Why was I feeling like this? Why couldn’t I bounce back? How did I get on this trail to nowhere? I could blame my lack of motivation on grief. Sadness. Depression. Stress. Overworked and underappreciated. Distracted. Having too many things on my plate. But #transparency I was struggling to articulate what needed and had resorted to old habits and allowed shame to keep me there! Talk about vulnerability! GIRL!!! That revelation was life changing!
I can motivate the hell outta someone. Have them making plans to visit the moon while helping them pack their bag; because I truly believe they were going. But I looked at my own packed bags and said “one day, I got to focus on my purpose and assignments, right now”. You see I wasn’t following my own advice. I had removed myself from my priority list trying to build my empire and help others do the same. I was showing up, but I was showing up to a party I didn’t need to attend at the moment. Can relate?
NOW, you know I’m all about building your empire. In fact, if you have followed me for any amount of time, you know my motto: “BUILD YOUR OWN TABLE and stop waiting to be invited to someone else’s!” But don’t be so focused on building that table/empire that once it’s built, you are to worn out to enjoy it! Take some me time. I mean totally unplug. Turn off the phone. Get a babysitter. Do what you got to do! Every now and then? NO! Absolutely NOT! put it on your calendar at least twice a month more often if it’s been a while since you’ve taken time for yourself! Because you ARE going to make excuses not to follow through. Learn to keep that appointment like it’s a doctor’s appointment! No exceptions! No excuses! Take the full appointed time. If it’s an hour, a day, a weekend, a week! Use the whole-time doing things that make you happy! Things that you don’t get to do often.
I just recently came off a TEN day vacation. I needed it. I had not taken a vacation since 2018 without having assignments or deadlines that I needed to make. I literally did not turn my computer on but ONE hour the whole time! That says a lot for me! People say, “you can rest when you die!” Hell NO! REST WHEN YOU NEED IT! That’s the only way you will be able to show up how you need to show up. That’s how you create a fulfilled life. That’s how your life stops just being tolerable. I promise the work will be there when you get back from your break!
I was overextending myself. Trying to be superwoman and Wonder Woman at the same time all while acting like Mary Poppins… falling apart but trying to wear a smile! Imagine that!
I saw this post: trying to heal, while trying to grieve. While trying to live, while trying to dream, while trying to smile. While trying to give love. While trying to be loved.” Trying to heal is work all by itself. Yet we’re expected to show up unbothered. I was bothered! I was tired. I just needed space to find the pieces and take off the mask. Get the book and you’ll understand that statement!
It’s time to uncover the truths. Time to stop lying to yourself and others. No, we ain’t walking around her like little raggedy Anne dolls but we are not showing up as our best selves either. We MUST set ourselves up for success by taking care of our own needs! I had to put in place my own accountability. Setting accountability don’t always require checking in with someone else. Learn to check in with yourself! Learn to become your own competition. Learn to say the hell with what’s expected and do what’s necessary for yourself. I extend this challenge to you. Join me cause challenges can be easier when you do it with others but it’s not necessary! I’m going to show up for me regardless. I hope do too.
Living Intentionally,
by Coach Tina | Oct 11, 2021 | Growth
Most survivors of Domestic Violence have had years of torment; yet they are expected to mentally resolve that torment just because the relationship ended.
Don’t talk about it. The past is the past. Let it go. You are not there anymore – stop revisiting it. If it still bothers you, you are not healed. Blah Blah Blah. I’ve heard it all. What they don’t tell you is the storm may be over but there is still debris that must be cleaned up.
No one tells you how simple things can cause your mind to shift back to the horror. No one tells you that it can affect every relationship you will encounter; even nonromantic relationships. No one tells you that there may be times when you crave the good days of the relationship. No one tells you there could be a constant battle within where you blame yourself. No one tells you how the case is not innocent until proven guilty but guilty until proven innocent. No one tells you how to deal with healthy love because you’ve never experienced it. No one tells you how you will require constant reassurance that what you do is enough. No one tells you how you will struggle to trust yourself. No one tells you it’s hard to accept kindness without feeling as if they want something in return. No one tells you it’s okay to set boundaries that protect your mental health. No one tells you about the debris that still needs to be cleaned up.
You got out, you survived, NOW, you must assess the damage. You must figure out how to deal with the debris that was left. I recently shared this thought with someone that reminded me; sometimes it’s so dark during the storm, you can’t even see the damage until the sun comes out. That hit hard and prompted me to change the dynamic of this post. The sun coming out can resemble a better life with a great relationship, prosperity, hope and new found freedom but one memory can rob you and hold your thoughts hostage.
I will not say… “You are not there, get over it” because that is the biggest bunch of BS ever. What I will say is “let’s clean up the debris so you can celebrate surviving the storm!” Let’s count your blessings. Let’s acknowledge the pain and create systems that help you maneuver through your relief efforts. Let’s create a vision for a life you can look forward to. Let’s get honest with how you feel so you can stop allowing the negative inner critic to make you question your worth. Let’s fight together.
When disaster strikes, they call for a state of emergency. They pull together resources from all over. They don’t try to handle the relief efforts alone. The bring in professionals. You cannot do this alone. You are not expected to do this alone. You may have had to in the past but you don’t anymore. You need a support group.
The best thing I ever did was create my own support group: a counselor, a life coach, and a confidant. This group helped me clean up the debris. Every now and then I find some broken branches or glass laying around, but I know how to navigate around it until I am able to pick it up and discard it properly. I hope you caught that… there is a time to address things. NEVER feel like you must deal with something immediately. The worse thing we can ever do is try to face pain when we are already worn down from something else. You cannot allow it to linger but you CANNOT fight when you are already feeling defeated. Your support team will help you move through the pain, so it don’t sit too long.
If you don’t get anything from this brick, I hope you realize you are NOT alone. We all are trying to clean up debris from a storm that ran out of rain a long time ago. There is no timeline for the cleanup, it will NEVER look the same again BUT it can look better.
I’m cheering for you and willing to be part of your reconstruction crew when you are ready. just let me know. Until then be good to yourself. You are the only one that can identify the debris that needs to be cleared.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Sep 9, 2021 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Growth, Healing, purpose
You are better than what you have been told. It really don’t matter who told you, you weren’t good enough. Maybe it was words from an abusive partner, an envious friend, a micro-managing boss, a toxic parent, or your own critical thinking. Wherever you heard those words, realize they were a lie. You ARE good enough. In fact, you are better than enough. You are created with everything you need to be the best version of yourself. You are growing into a better version of you each day and the best is yet to be seen.
The true essence of who you are is developed in the tough moments no one wants to talk about.
- It comes through the pains and struggles.
- It comes in the moments that hurt the most.
- It comes when you want to give up but keep going anyway.
- It comes when you prioritize your own needs over the wants of others.
- It comes when you say yes to yourself and no to others.
- It comes during those long nights when you can’t sleep.
- It comes from the tears you release in the shower.
- It comes from persevering even after a failed attempt.
- It comes when you refuse to allow the version of yourself that you want to be to take the back seat to the person you was.
- It comes when you are tired and take time to recuperate. (Rest but never quit)
- It comes when you show up BOLDLY for yourself.
You are enough. You are enough right where you are. You are better than you were told you are. You are making changes that the future you will benefit from. All I need you to do is keep going. All I need you to do is give yourself your best. All I need you to do is love yourself through the process. All I need you to do is show yourself a little grace. All I need you to do is take it one day at a time, one hour at a time – heck, if necessary, take it one minute at a time. But don’t give up on becoming the version of yourself you desire to be.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 23, 2021 | Empowerment, Encouragement, Focus, Healing, purpose
We often use the word content and complacent interchangeably but there are some subtle differences between the two. One will have you living a life of gratitude while the other can leave you resentful and unfulfilled. One will have you excited about where you are, while the other can have you constantly comparing yourself to someone else. One will have you living free and carefree while the other will have you bond and imprisoned by your own thoughts.
So often people use the scripture Philippians 4:11 –“I have learned to be content in whatever circumstance I am in”, as permission to accept whatever is given to them and be satisfied with it. BUT this is NOT what this scripture is saying. It reminds us to be content NOT complacent!
This scripture is using the true definition of content, which means to be happy.
I have learned to seek happiness in whatever circumstance I find myself but to not stop until I like what I see and am pleased with where I am. Being in a state of complacency keeps us stagnant and unfulfilled. It keeps us desiring more but unwilling to pursue more. It keeps us looking at what we don’t have instead of going after what we want. It propels us to see the cup as half empty instead of finding ways to fill it. We are responsible for our own happiness, yet that happiness will always be outside of our reach if we stay in a place of complacency.
I’ve always been transparent about my battle with depression. But I also withheld a lot of information concerning it out of shame and guilt. It wasn’t until I began to unpack my own baggage that I realized there was healing, personal healing, in telling my story. We ALL have a story, and our story can help another sister jump into her own journey of self-discovery. But we will discuss that in another setting.
Another way of looking at these two words are contentment is a state of being happy while complacency is refusing to work to improve your current situation.
Content is loving the skin you are in but getting up and exercising until you feel good about how you view yourself. Complacency is accepting who you are as you are without any desire to make changes even though you are not happy with what you see in the mirror.
Content is loving the people in your life but being confident enough in who you are to let them live the life they desire without needing to control them. Complacency is pointing out the flaws in others while attempting to hide your own.
- Are you content or complacent?
- Are you thriving or just surviving?
- Are you happy or just living?
NO ONE can truly answer those questions except you. NO ONE knows what keeps you up at night and whether you are doing something to fix the problem. It’s time to stop calling it content when in fact you are complacent.
Until Next Time,
ability to see herself achieve success. Now she had settled into a relationship with someone that did not want her to grow outside of the box they found her in.
