by Coach Tina | Dec 1, 2017 | Encouragement, Growth
December is here! Can you tell I’m excited?
December is one of my favorite months of the year! Maybe because it’s the month we celebrate Christmas (my favorite holiday). Maybe it’s because of all the lights and sparkles. Maybe it’s because people tend to be nicer this time of year (hoping St. Nick would drop off something nice) Maybe it’s because I get to spend a little more money without feeling guilty. Maybe it’s because I get a chance to sip on my favorite cappuccino while listening to Christmas songs. I’m not sure what it is but I love December!
Well this year, I’m excited and a little scared because December will forever mark an even bigger significance in my life. It’s the beginning of a new beginning. It’s the start of a new chapter. It’s an opportunity for me to do something I’ve never done before. It’s a chance for me to explore an area of life I’ve never explored. It’s a chance for me to redefine ME!
After 30 years of marriage, a lot of ups and downs, a lot of smiles and tears, I am a single woman (it feels funny typing that)! I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. It’s still fairly new (it’s only been 14 days since I signed the paperwork). I’m sure there will be blogs were I’m excited, happy, pissed off, and downright angry and I intend to embrace each of those feelings and grow from them.
I must admit at first, I was in shock! I couldn’t believe it actually happened. I mean I had been with the same man for over 30 years and in a matter of 6 minutes (yes 6 minutes) it was over. The day of the hearing I was devastated! I left the courthouse and couldn’t remember where I parked my car. Imagine me walking around downtown looking for my car!! For the first time since the separation I felt tears roll down my face (I want to think it was because I couldn’t find my car). I couldn’t understand why I was crying now. Shouldn’t I be happy? Shouldn’t I be celebrating?
Well it wasn’t a time of celebration for me. I went through all the emotions: guilt, fear, anger, pity. Then I was in disbelief and shock. This had to be a bad dream and we were going to wake up, my kids would be young again, my marriage would be full of love and sparkle and everyone would be in their proper place. Well I woke up and everyone was in their proper place!!
I took a deep breath and released all the self-doubt, all the mental anguish, all the hurt and pain. I released all the anger that I felt over the infidelity and abuse. I released the desire of trying to change someone into what I wanted them to be instead of allowing them to be who they wanted to be. I released my hope of making it right. I released my desire to hide the inevitable. Basically, I released.
So, help me say goodbye to November and welcome in December with all its thrills and excitement. Let it bring happiness and freshness. Laughter and joy. Hope and tranquility. Peace and a whole lot of love.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Nov 20, 2017 | Focus, Gratitude, Growth
Most people get excited around the holidays. The time with family, shopping, eating, music, festivities, parties. You name it they like it ALL! But not everyone! For many the holiday seasons bring up memories of heartbreak, disappointment and loss. If you are reading this blog, it’s probably because you lay somewhere between hating the holidays or looking for strategies that will help you tolerate them.
Maybe the holidays remind you of a lost loved one or a relationship gone bad. Maybe it’s a reminder of the financial burden that’s imposed behind trying to live outside of your means. Well let’s make this year different. Let’s focus on what we have to be thankful for. Let’s focus on the things that made us smile this year instead of the things that made us cry.
This year I’m excited to be healthy both physically and mentally. My young adults are doing well and living life in harmony with me and each other. I have a job that I love and a business that is thriving. My 2nd book has been published and is doing extremely well. I’ve replaced the toxic relationships in my life with those that nurture and serve me. Life is turning around and for the first time in few years, I’m excited about where I’m headed.
See what I mean! You can do the same. Find the things to be thankful for. Don’t get caught up in what was wrong. There are so many things you can be thankful for!
But how do you deal with those family functions that can strip holiday cheer from Ole St. Nick himself. Or the family dinners that make being in the room with the Grinch a welcome excursion. The holidays are moments to celebration NOT punishment!
Here are four (4) tips that could make it a little easier:
1. Have Intentions not Expectations. Most disappointments are the result of setting expectations that are out of your control. But setting an intention allows you to create the environment you desire. Expectation says Aunt Martha is going to come to the family dinner and complain about all her physical ailments. Uncle Joe is going to get drunk and curse everyone out. The newlyweds are going to trigger the thoughts that you are spending this holiday alone again. Intention say as each person arrives have them write down two things they are grateful for and place them in a cup by the front door. If the dinner starts going south, pull out the jar and read the things you as a family have to be grateful for. Because as a family, what affects one affects ALL.
2. Set Boundaries. If being around Aunt Martha’s complaining and Uncle Joe’s intoxication is offensive, channel the discussions and eliminate the alcohol this year. It’s your party you can do what you want to! If you know sitting directly across from the newlyweds will cause you issues. Arrange to be in a seat that prevents them from being in your direct point of view. When Cousin Betty starts the conversation of how great your ex is doing. Kindly let her know you don’t want to discuss him and change the subject to something uplifting. Control conversations that are directed to you. Set boundaries of things that are a trigger to you. Remember your priority is to get through these holidays intentionally and with your sanity.
3. Be Present. Many of our issues surrounding the holidays come from “remembering when” or “wondering what if”. This year stay in the moment. You cannot enjoy the wonderful meal you’ve prepared this year wondering when your mother-in-law is going to bring up the turkey you burned three years ago. You are setting yourself up for failure looking at what was. And if she is so petty as to bring it up, laugh and say “I’ve come a long way. Isn’t the turkey this year divine!!”
4. Have an Exit Plan. Sometimes regardless how much intention you have, the toxicity of family can take a toll on you. Don’t sweat the small stuff and don’t torture yourself by sitting through all the negativity. This holiday is about giving thanks and if you have to remove yourself from the negative energy – DO SO! If you know your tolerance for certain family members come to an end after about 2 hours, plan to have a friend call your phone. Then kindly excuse yourself letting the family know you have other plans. If you are not able to leave (because well you are hosting the event) create a place in your house you can retreat to for a few minutes to rejuvenate. Maybe have a stress candle in the upstairs bathroom burning and excuse yourself for a moment. (I plan to have them burning all over my house – just in case!) An associate of mine elected to create an affirmation board that would remind her to stay calm. This allows her a place to retreat should things become more than she could bear.
Don’t become bitter make your life better. Remember the holidays are about celebrating your accomplishments for the year. Don’t sabotage all your hard work trying to impress people you’ve worked hard all year to heal from.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Oct 26, 2017 | Growth
It’s easy to get caught up in the way we want things to go. I mean we all want a good life; you know where we don’t worry about money, everybody loves us, the kids are healthy and happy, the marriage is full of harmony, and everybody and everything is on one accord. We can hope, right?
Well I must admit that’s not how my life goes! My savings account is not where I want it, I still have those darn student loans, I have my share of haters (I mean motivators), my kids are healthy but often complain about things out of our control, and every so often I have flash backs of the turmoil and dysfunction that ruled my life.
But when it’s all said and done I can put a smile on my face and say, “THY WILL BE DONE” and mean it. Is allowing God to have complete control easy? From a person that battles with relinquishing control, I would say NO!! But I’ve learned when I don’t surrender and turn it over to God, it makes things harder. 
Thy will be done does not mean everything is going to be great! It does not mean you will not get hurt. It does not mean you won’t have heartache. What it means is trusting God in the midst of it ALL. It means realizing you don’t have all the answers but HE does. It means some days will be harder than others but it will work out in the end.
It does not mean never worrying about tomorrow. It does mean trusting tomorrow will take care of itself and living in the blessings of today.
It does not mean I can’t voice my opinion. It does mean I can go to God boldly asking what I desire and believing HE will give me what I need.
It does not mean money will always be available. It does mean all my needs will be supplied and I will always have an abundance of what I need.
It does not mean people aren’t going to walk away. It does mean trusting God to put the ones in my life that need to be there.
It does not mean every day will be sunny. It does mean that I can dance in the rain and rejoice knowing it is growing me into a better person.
So even when life is hard and things don’t seem to be going the way I want them to go. I’m reminded those trials are molding me into the person God needs me to be. So, thy will be done, Lord! Thy will be done!
Until Next Time,
Have you ordered your copy of God, Deliver Me from Me: Removing the Obstacles that Keep Us Stuck? This is Tina’s latest book available now at Amazon.com, or Barnesandnoble.com at the conference!
Have you purchased your ticket for this year’s H.E.L.P. Conference? You don’t want to miss it. Get tickets here bit.ly/2017HELP.
by Coach Tina | Aug 1, 2017 | Gratitude, Growth
Nobody could have told me ten years ago, when I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom crying my eyes out that one day I would look back and declare it one of the best days of my life. NO ONE could have told me that! Yet here I am thanking God that “He worked it out for my good”.
Sitting on that floor I remember declaring “my life was over!” Those words couldn’t have been more prophetic if God himself had said them. I had just found out my husband was having another affair. My heart was broken. We had been down this road before and “I” was still trying to mend that pain. “I” was determined to move forward and put my family back together. “I” thought things were going pretty good and there we were again, in the same situation. I couldn’t understand it.
Didn’t “I” matter? Didn’t the kids matter? What would people say? How would “I” explain this? How would “I” cover this up? Why had God allowed this to happen to “me” again? He wouldn’t put more on me than I could bear, right? Then why did it feel like I was going to die under the pressure of all this pain. I didn’t know how to be a single parent. I didn’t want to be a single parent! But there I was looking at a picture 
of my family with tears rolling down my face knowing that was about to be my life.
That day was one of my rock bottom points (oh there were many and I’m sure there will be more as God molds me into what He wants me to be). I found myself in a place where all I could do was look up and call out to God. All I could do was depend on him. This was all new to me and not only did I not know what to do, I didn’t know who I could turn to for help.
But now I can look back and say “ALL things work together for the good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”. You see that day “life as I knew it was over”. that was the day God started revealing my purpose to me – I just didn’t know it. That was the day He started removing the covers from my eyes. That was the day He opened my heart so I could draw closer to Him. That was the day I stopped looking for other’s to fulfill happiness in my life. Now if I had of been God, I would have handled it differently. I would have never put me through that kind of pain (who am I kidding, I had to go through it again before it finally registered). Thank God I’m not God!!!
So, when you find yourself in that place where all hell is breaking loose in your life and you feel like you can’t go any further, remember God has a way of turning it around. What you are going through is preparing you for your greater. It is just a line in your testimony. Watch God make it good. Watch God make you better because of it.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 16, 2017 | Encouragement, Growth
Life can be jacked up at times!! I mean you think everything is going well and then suddenly, out of nowhere, the rug is pulled from under your feet. Stop fooling yourself! You might not want to admit it but I will – I felt when they started pulling the rug. I felt the small tugs and I felt the tugs that made me dizzy. I lost my balance a couple times but popped back up determined to ride it out. Then there were times, I fell so hard, it left scars. But I wasn’t going to let some scars keep me from what I wanted. I didn’t just ask for the rug, I begged for this rug. I asked God to fix this rug. I invested deep – lots of money and time into this rug. My whole life was centered around this rug. I went back on several occasions to get this rug. It was mine and I wanted it! At any cost, I was going to have it even if it killed me in the process!! Wow, haven’t I been here before?
I’ve thought long and hard about how to share my story or whether to share it at all. Because haven’t I already been down this road before – I mean I have a published book about it! Same thing different day! But I realized that was my shame speaking. That was me wanting to look good in the sight of others. That was me putting that darn mask back on and trying to hide. That was me trying to control everything.
I will say the shame and control won for a while. In fact, it really wasn’t a fight. I gave into it because I didn’t have any fight left in me. I decided to just continue and let what happens happen. I’d go on with life like all is well – no one will ever know. I can hide it. But when you have one of those relationships where you do everything together and then suddenly you are never together – well people start talking (and boy can people talk). The funny thing to me was when people started walking up to me on the street asking am I okay? I want to say “why what happen?” Or you hear lies and try to figure out did that happen and I just didn’t know about it. Or people start avoiding you because they don’t know what to say (okay all you’ve done is show me your shallowness – get over it – I have – well sort of). Or you have the super saints saying it’s gonna work out – I’m praying for you – (I be wanting to say what’s gonna work out? Or please don’t I’ve prayed enough – sorry but not sorry) Ya’ll keep praying for me – I’m a work in progress!
So, here’s the scoop! You can read in my 1st book (click here) about the infidelity, about my co-dependency and insecurity, our control issues, abuse blah blah so I’m not touching that. What I will say for purpose of my blog is during my last separation from my husband I grew up. I went from the naïve teenager portraying an adult that was insecure and seeking love by pleasing others to a woman who knew her purpose, understood her self-worth and was determined to continue to learn more about this new person. For four years, I walked around trying to juggle being the person I was and the person I was becoming. I was miserable! It wasn’t that I didn’t love my husband. I did and always will. But I was learning to love myself and wasn’t willing to get up every morning, put on a mask and act like life was perfect when it wasn’t. I didn’t want to walk on a carpet that was forever moving. I was tired of living in a home where the foundation wasn’t stable. I wanted to trust what I was being told and not second guess myself when I didn’t. I wanted to be proud of the person I saw in the mirror.
I wasn’t called to settle or to be mistreated and neither were you. I can’t tell you what to do in your situation I only knew what I had do in mine. So, if you are looking for me to tell you, you are looking in the wrong place. It took me 4 years and lots of therapy to figure out what was the best move for me and I’m still not sure every day. But I do know I’m at peace knowing I gave my very best. I do know I’m not looking over my shoulders to see who’s watching me. I do know I don’t worry about if I’m doing everything right. I will never do everything right and I’m okay with it. But that was the cross I had to carry. You must carry your own.
I don’t know what will transpire from this point on but I’m excited to see it. I invite you to join me for the ride as I settle into my new norm.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 14, 2017 | Growth
When someone does something that “hurts your feelings”, it can mess your whole mood up! I mean let’s be real, people can be really mean some times! But it especially hurts when the person that hurt you is someone you never thought would ever hurt you! Maybe it’s a spouse, a parent, a sibling, your child or a friend. You never expect those you love and say they love you to hurt you. This tends to multiply those feelings of hurt and can shake you to the core.
Here’s the thing — feelings change! One moment you can be mad or sad the next you can be happy or excited. Feelings are always changing. When you allow someone to alter your feelings by what they may or may not have done, you allow them to change who you are for that moment. Never give anyone that much control over you.
If you are honest with yourself, it’s not what they did that hurt you, it’s the fact you didn’t expect “them” to do it. The same statement could have been made by a stranger and you would have shrugged it off but because this loved one said it, it hurt deep. People are people regardless of where they rest in your life.
You can take control of your feelings by changing the way you view the encounter. Here’s some things for you to consider:
• Was it what they said that hurt your feelings? Why?
• Was it who said it that hurt your feelings? Why?
• Did it bring up memories of a past hurt?
• Was it intentionally said to hurt you?
• Was it true and it caused you shame or guilt?
• Is it true or just their perception?
As you look at the truth behind “YOUR FEELINGS” about what the person said or did, you will be able to look past the person and deal with the actual feelings. The person that “hurt” you is the same person that you believe loved you earlier. Sometimes we just need to take a look within and find the truth behind the pain. Maybe it’s not what they said, maybe it’s what it brings up in you. Maybe it’s not what was said, maybe it’s who said it. But maybe, just maybe it’s neither of those things, could it be what it stirs up inside of you that need to be dealt with?
Until Next Time,
December is here! Can you tell I’m excited?
