by Coach Tina | Jul 16, 2017 | Encouragement, Growth
Life can be jacked up at times!! I mean you think everything is going well and then suddenly, out of nowhere, the rug is pulled from under your feet. Stop fooling yourself! You might not want to admit it but I will – I felt when they started pulling the rug. I felt the small tugs and I felt the tugs that made me dizzy. I lost my balance a couple times but popped back up determined to ride it out. Then there were times, I fell so hard, it left scars. But I wasn’t going to let some scars keep me from what I wanted. I didn’t just ask for the rug, I begged for this rug. I asked God to fix this rug. I invested deep – lots of money and time into this rug. My whole life was centered around this rug. I went back on several occasions to get this rug. It was mine and I wanted it! At any cost, I was going to have it even if it killed me in the process!! Wow, haven’t I been here before?
I’ve thought long and hard about how to share my story or whether to share it at all. Because haven’t I already been down this road before – I mean I have a published book about it! Same thing different day! But I realized that was my shame speaking. That was me wanting to look good in the sight of others. That was me putting that darn mask back on and trying to hide. That was me trying to control everything.
I will say the shame and control won for a while. In fact, it really wasn’t a fight. I gave into it because I didn’t have any fight left in me. I decided to just continue and let what happens happen. I’d go on with life like all is well – no one will ever know. I can hide it. But when you have one of those relationships where you do everything together and then suddenly you are never together – well people start talking (and boy can people talk). The funny thing to me was when people started walking up to me on the street asking am I okay? I want to say “why what happen?” Or you hear lies and try to figure out did that happen and I just didn’t know about it. Or people start avoiding you because they don’t know what to say (okay all you’ve done is show me your shallowness – get over it – I have – well sort of). Or you have the super saints saying it’s gonna work out – I’m praying for you – (I be wanting to say what’s gonna work out? Or please don’t I’ve prayed enough – sorry but not sorry) Ya’ll keep praying for me – I’m a work in progress!
So, here’s the scoop! You can read in my 1st book (click here) about the infidelity, about my co-dependency and insecurity, our control issues, abuse blah blah so I’m not touching that. What I will say for purpose of my blog is during my last separation from my husband I grew up. I went from the naïve teenager portraying an adult that was insecure and seeking love by pleasing others to a woman who knew her purpose, understood her self-worth and was determined to continue to learn more about this new person. For four years, I walked around trying to juggle being the person I was and the person I was becoming. I was miserable! It wasn’t that I didn’t love my husband. I did and always will. But I was learning to love myself and wasn’t willing to get up every morning, put on a mask and act like life was perfect when it wasn’t. I didn’t want to walk on a carpet that was forever moving. I was tired of living in a home where the foundation wasn’t stable. I wanted to trust what I was being told and not second guess myself when I didn’t. I wanted to be proud of the person I saw in the mirror.
I wasn’t called to settle or to be mistreated and neither were you. I can’t tell you what to do in your situation I only knew what I had do in mine. So, if you are looking for me to tell you, you are looking in the wrong place. It took me 4 years and lots of therapy to figure out what was the best move for me and I’m still not sure every day. But I do know I’m at peace knowing I gave my very best. I do know I’m not looking over my shoulders to see who’s watching me. I do know I don’t worry about if I’m doing everything right. I will never do everything right and I’m okay with it. But that was the cross I had to carry. You must carry your own.
I don’t know what will transpire from this point on but I’m excited to see it. I invite you to join me for the ride as I settle into my new norm.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Jul 3, 2017 | Encouragement, Fear, Focus, Growth
About a month ago, I started a conversation on Facebook called #sistertalk. It’s an opportunity for women to help each other through those difficult moments and provide strength where needed. A real opportunity for HELP (honesty, encouragement, loyalty and prayer). Yet, there is something bothering me about it. It’s not the other women, it’s ME!
For years, I struggled with how people viewed me and there are still certain areas in my life I’ve kept hidden behind my mask. But I feel a tug to find the strength to push those insecurities away and allow myself to be a little more transparent. But there are some things on my chest that I need to get off. Maybe you can help me. You see I don’t understand –
• if a woman says she is going through, her faith is questioned.
• if it appears that all is ALWAYS alright, she’s a fake or unapproachable.
• If she tells the truth about what she’s going through, she’s complaining.
• If she asks for help, she’s being weak.
• If she cries, she’s told to get tougher skin.
• If she exposes the reality behind those tears, she’s being petty.
• If she speaks of the abuse she encountering, she’s told to keep her business her business.
• But if she is killed by her abuser everyone wants to know why she didn’t speak up.
• If she gets tired of being mistreated and make changes, she’s not a real Christian because a real Christian will allow you to do whatever you want to them and forgive you in Jesus name.
I’m so tired of trying to figure out the “correct” or “Christian” thing to do. When every day I am approached by women living a life of pain, thinking something is wrong with them because they believe all those lies listed above. They have convinced themselves that no one else is experiencing this kind of pain. When the truth is most of the women in their circle is covering up some form of pain, they just don’t know how to express it or are afraid of what people will say.
I am a Christian saved by grace. I love God with all my heart. I’ve been mad at God. I’ve turned my back on God. I said I was through with religion (and I am- just give me the relationship). I couldn’t understand how a God that loved me could allow so much pain to enter the heart of one person. But slowly and strategically God showed me it was not to destroy me. It was not to kill me. The pain I was experiencing wasn’t even about me. My testimony would be used to HELP other woman who were afraid to tell truth. Who didn’t understand that His love was unconditional and would never go away. My story would help those women who get up every day and put on a mask to cover up the shame and guilt they feel behind the actions of someone else. My honesty would give others permission to be honest.
I’ve been at this place before where I’ve felt God tugging at me to speak the truth and fear took over. It is my desire to move forward this time because although the fear is still there, I am courageous and encouraged by those women who haven’t found their courage yet. She needed a hero so she became one.
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | May 8, 2017 | Encouragement, Growth
If the title caused you to stop! Please take a moment to read this. When someone hurts you or someone you love – we have a tendency to want to get revenge! I mean how could they deliberately hurt us right?
Rid yourselves of all malice. 1 Peter 2:1 – Well I’m taking up for myself! They started it! And I would never truly harm them! So I can keep going this does not apply to me, or does it?
For those of you that have been following me for a while, you know I have tendencies of perfectionism running through my body. So, when I came across this passage believing that God showed it to me with purpose, I paused and in true form – I did some research. I looked up the definition of malice, I looked up the scripture in different versions of the bible, I prayed and asked God to reveal areas in my life where it may apply.
Malice is a desire to cause harm to someone else. Well, I stopped worrying because I would never deliberately do harm to anyone. But when I looked up the verse in another translation – I stopped in my tracks.
1st Peter 2:1 ERV So then, stop doing anything to hurt others. Don’t lie anymore, stop trying to fool people. Don’t be jealous or say bad things about others.
WHOA!!! Have you ever tried to make a situation appear better than it was because you didn’t want people to think less of you? Have you ever manipulated a situation to get your way? Were you ever jealous of someone? Have someone ever did something bad to you and you spoke negatively about it? Have you ever sought revenge?
I sure have!! At some point, I have answered yes to each of those questions, especially when I feel someone has wronged me. I may not say anything to them but I will hold that pain (malice) in my heart. Remember sin is in thought and deed. It all starts in your mind.
So, your intent may not be to deliberately cause harm to someone but having a thought of revenge or even holding onto anger and jealously against them is malice. You must let it go. God will never hold you responsible for what someone does to you but He will hold your responsible for how you respond to it!
God, help me to walk according to your Word. Help me replace thoughts of anger or jealousy towards your people with love and respect. In Jesus Name
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Apr 14, 2017 | Encouragement, Gratitude, Growth
I’ve always wondered why we called Good Friday “good”? I mean this day was filled with sorrow, darkness and death. Yet we celebrate it and call it “Good Friday”. Many of us have the day off work. We may cookout or go to the beach. We celebrate a day we should be mourning! I mean a man – a righteous man died on this day…..
As Christians, this day represents the basis of what we believe. It is the backbone of our belief. If not for the period we call “Good Friday thru Resurrection Sunday” we would have nothing to base our belief on. But still why “Good” Friday?
It was said in olden times it was actually called “God’s Friday”. Okay, that I can get with! But Good Friday? Then I began to think. I was a good Friday. It was the day when pain and peace came together as one. It was the day that suffering and rejoicing united. It was the day that my sins were forgiven. It was a good day for me at least.
Although Jesus knew His assignment before even coming from heaven, Good Friday was the day He solidified His love for the Father and for us. 
I love my kids and I’ve always said I would die for them. But let’s be honest there are times when they make me mad, do something I don’t approve of or even say things that hurt my feelings. It is those days I question whether I would die for them and to think of dying a horrific death like crucifixion. Yeah, on those days, I would have to pause and think about it.
Although I would think about it as it relates to my kids, I probably wouldn’t even consider it for someone that has really hurt me, used me, or mistreated me. I’m glad I’m not God or y’all would be in trouble. I mean think about it – there are some people who have mistreated you and you probably wouldn’t even give them water more less give your life for them. Let’s make it even more relatable – you have people you haven’t spoken to in years because of something somebody said they said about you. Fact is you don’t know if it’s true or not but you walk around with that grudge like it’s the bible. Okay I got off track (but someone needed to read that- Let it go).
So even though we may look sideways at the person that has mistreated us, Jesus didn’t. He died for the ones that believed in Him and the ones that didn’t. He died for the ones that treated Him well and the ones that hated Him. He died for ME!! The one that have at some point broken every one of the ten commandments. Now that right there is a true example of love.
But why “Good Friday”? When you look at it with our sinful eyes, there is no good in His being beaten, spit on, nailed to a cross, forsaken by His father, tortured and then dying on top of all of that. There is no good in that. But when you look at it from Jesus’s view, the good was He accomplished what God sent Him to do — save a dying world… to provide a way that we would be saved from ourselves…. He did it for ME. And now that “it was finished”, it was the day He was going back home to His Father.
So the “good” part of Good Friday is that He loved me enough to die for me. The good part of Good Friday is God loved me enough to let Him. The good part of Good Friday is now I can repent of my sins and have a chance of seeing God. The good part of Good Friday is while I was yet a sinner Christ died for me that I may not have to see the true wrath of God and receive the punishment that I deserve. The good in Good Friday is that I have an opportunity to get things right here on earth so that I can return to God. So happy Good Friday!!!!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Mar 10, 2017 | Encouragement, Growth
If you were raised in church or around an older person, you have most likely heard the saying “many didn’t make it but I was one of the ones that did”. Many times, it was said during testimonial service followed with how God had delivered them from some horrific situation or circumstance. Until recently, I was one of those that used it; like many of the other religious clichés’, without meaning or thought. It wasn’t till I had a true wake up call and had to fall on my knees that I finally got it. We take so much for granted but understand – one decision can change your life for ever.
Many didn’t make it but I was one of the ones that did.
For months(who am I kidding – years), I walked around like everything was great and my life was picture perfect. I put on the mask and wore it well (had even blinged it out so it didn’t look like a mask). I would send words of encouragement and talk about how great life was. Listen – all those people posting on social media saying life is great ALL the time – THEY LYING!!!! I can say that because I was one of them. I was lying! It was all about the image!
One day I had a real come to Jesus moment and I had to be real with myself (actually it was after a session with one of my clients – but I digress). I asked myself – Tina, what are you doing? What are you trying to prove? Who are you trying to impress? It was time for me to be honest with myself. I had fallen back into my old habits. I was again trying to control what people thought of me. I was more concerned with the image I portrayed than being true to myself. I was doing things I didn’t want to do because it was the “right thing” to do. I was saying yes when I wanted to say no. I was putting on a smile when inside I was crying. I was eating to cover up the pain I was feeling. I had begun to distance myself from loved ones. I was pushing away the things I loved to cater to the things other people liked. I had allowed my need to control the situation or what others saw the situation to be (codependency) to take control of my life AGAIN.
I will do a video as well as write a blog about codependency; but for now – Codependency can be defined as an effort to control and/or manipulate a situation to get a result then getting mad when that result is not received. For example, showing unconditional love in hopes of getting it back. Offering forgiveness in hopes the person would see your pain and never hurt you again. Doing things not because you want to but because you don’t want to make someone mad.
My life was a mess and I didn’t know how to fix it. But I had to figure it out because I am Ms. Fix-it!! My life was out of control and it was driving me crazy. But I had to figure it out because I am Ms. Control-freak! I couldn’t understand how THIS could be happening to me, again. I ALWAYS tried to do what was right and what everyone expected me to do. (Or did, I?)
The facade was taking its toll on me and many days I just wanted to give up but knew I couldn’t because the people were looking. I was tired. I was tired of hurting. I was tired of lying. I was tired of wearing the mask. I was tired of acting like everything was okay. I was tired of trying to be everything for everyone. I was tired of trying to be the super-saint. I was tired of having to act like my life was perfect. I was tired – physically, mentally, and emotionally.
God has a way of sending you help in ways you least expect it. Someone commented on a prayer I had posted several months ago. In this prayer, I asked God to reveal the things in my life that I had put before Him and to give me the strength to let them go. To remove the comfort that I had found in them, so I would no longer desire them in my life.
I never expected Him to actually do it. I never expected this prayer to roll around and be a mirror for me. This was for my friends on Facebook – not for me. I was good. My life was perfect. I was doing just fine wearing my mask and encouraging others to take their off. I was doing just fine. But no, I had to post this prayer and God called my bluff! Wearing the mask became uncomfortable. Hiding the pain became unreasonable. And I had placed them all before the only person that could heal them.
You see it could have been just as easy for me to keep living that lie. I could have continued to deny myself an opportunity for God to work through the pain I was trying to cover up because I felt I had to impress someone. I could have stayed right there in that pain. I could have died in that pain or as a result of that pain. Sadly, many will.
Many didn’t make it but I was one of the ones that did. Many women remain in bad situations out of fear of what people would say. They stay out of fear of what they think the alternative will look like. They stay because someone told them to give it one more try. They stay because they think it’s the “Godly” thing to do. Some even stay because they have become comfortable in the pain.
I just want to ask you one question – Is your “comfort” worth living a lie and going to hell over? God loves you unconditionally and provides you with an opportunity to do whatever you desire; however, He said we should have NO OTHER GOD before Him. Has that man, friend, job, circumstance or situation become a god? Are you using a mask to cover up the hurt it’s causing? (Okay I said one question – I lied!) But don’t allow your mask or the situation you think you are covering up with your mask to replace God in your life. Be one of the ones that makes it. Be one of the ones that allows God to heal the pain behind the mask. Hey – we can do it together!!
Until Next Time,
by Coach Tina | Feb 1, 2017 | Encouragement, Fear
Do you have desires and dreams but you are afraid to pursue them? Do you live your life in your “comfort zone” out of fear of failing? Do you find yourself wrestling with whether or not to do something you’ve never done before? You my dear could be battling with your “COURAGE” and it’s winning!
I’m sure most of you have heard the story of Jesus walking on water. In case you haven’t you can read about it here (Matthew 14:22-33). In the meanwhile, here is a paraphrase of what happened. Jesus told the disciples to get in the boat and to go to the other side of the lake while he went to pray. While he was praying the boat drifted away from the land and Jesus had to walk on the water to get to the disciples. When they saw Him they got scared, thinking he was a ghost. He told them to not be afraid. Peter said if it’s really you let me come to you. Jesus said come on. Peter began walking on the water towards Jesus until he looked around, saw the wind and the waves, got scared and began to sink. Jesus reached out grabbed his hand, and asked why did you have doubt? Why did you get scared? Then he sat with the disciples in the boat and they realized Jesus really was the Son of God. Whew!!!
Okay, let’s talk about the courage thing and why I chose this scripture as a reference. I hear people talk about how they have all this courage and they aren’t afraid of anything. And the real “super-saints” quickly quote the scriptures about how God did not give you a spirit of fear or how we shouldn’t be afraid because God is always with us. AND all of that is true. God is always with us and He did NOT give us a spirit of fear but just like with Peter, when He saw his doubt He reached and helped him and he will do the same for us. He knows what we need way before we know ourselves.
So one night I was lying in bed, because that’s when I get most of my ideas for my blogs, and a thought came to my mind. What keep people from doing the things that make them happy? What is one of the main things they need in order to move from their comfort zone into a space of abundance? COURAGE!!! They need courage! We need courage!!! Then I said what is courage and this is what came to mind…
Confidence, Opportunity, Understanding, Reason, Attitude Check, Guidance and Expectation!!! I didn’t understand it then, but as I’ve began looking deeper it’s getting clearer. I go will go into full detail on my community Facebook page so if you are not following me there please do so (make sure you press like and make a comment on at least two post so you will be notified when I post).
But here we go! Courage is the ability to do something even if it frightens you. Many people stay stuck in situations because of fear. They struggle with their courage. Don’t get it twisted – I struggle with my courage often. In fact, I had to make a big decision just recently and it was my courage or the lack thereof that kept me in limbo for almost a year! Yea, you saw that right! It took me a year to make this decision and to stick with it. So don’t think for a moment that you are alone. Anyone that tells you they don’t struggle at times is LYING to you!! One of my biggest challenges (fears) is doing videos. Although I get the most feedback from them, they scare me. It’s crazy I can speak to groups of hundreds and although nervous, I’m not fearful. I think it’s with a live audience I can gage how things are going and make corrections if needed but with a video recording, it’s out there for the world to see without any correction. But I’m jumping out on faith and I’m going to do some recording (starting with this topic)! Y’all pray for your girl! Okay, that was one of Tina’s bunny trails.
I was in limbo for a year until I mastered how to beat my courage at her own game. I straddled up and I went to battle. That’s when I began to break down the bible story of Jesus walking on water. Check this out. 
Confidence: I imagine it took at least little confidence for Peter to even step out of the boat and to think he could walk on water. And it took even more for him to call on Jesus to help him when he began to sink. He knew Jesus would and could help him. He didn’t call out to the other disciples. Why? Because his faith was in Jesus not the people in the boat. When you want to get your courage under control, stop worrying about what the people around you are saying focus on what God is telling you. Start speaking the promises He has given you. You are victorious, you are a child of the king, you can live in abundance.
Opportunity: Peter was ready when opportunity presented itself. Peter asked Jesus if he could come to him. Now imagine when Jesus said yes, Peter had to put on his pants or shoes. Or he had to position himself. No, when Jesus said come, he stepped. We ask God for things but we are not in a position to receive them when opportunity presents itself. I once saw a quote that said “I’m positioning myself to receive what I prayed for”. Discouragement will keep you in a position where you miss opportunities presented to you.
Understanding: Peter understood what was required. To walk a courageous life, you have to understand the assignment. Many of us want the blessings of God but don’t understand what’s required to get them. He said we can have an abundant life IF we follow him and not the enemy. (John 10:10) He said we don’t have worry about what we will eat, drink or wear. We don’t have to worry about “stuff”, IF we seek the kingdom of heaven first. (Matthew 6:33) Understand who gives you courage.
Reason: Peter had a reason to step out of the boat. He wanted to get to where Jesus was. What’s your reason for wanting to do that thing that has you afraid? Maybe it’s leaving a job to start your own business. Maybe it’s going back to school. Maybe it’s buying a car. Maybe it’s getting married. What is it? Why do you want to do it? I was once told if your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.
Attitude Check: When Peter began to sink, it was because he looked out at the winds and the waves. He took his attention off of Jesus. He began to think with his head instead of with his heart. He began to trust what he saw instead of what he knew. When you find yourself struggling with your courage, do an attitude check. Ask yourself what am I focusing on, who am I focusing on?
Guidance: When the disciples were in the boat, the became afraid thinking it was a ghost coming towards them. Even Peter doubted because he said “IF it be you, let me come to you.” Be careful who you surround yourself with. Bad guidance is guidance but it will not help you get where you are trying to go. In fact, it can keep you struggling even more. Everyone will have an idea of what you “should” do. Make sure it lines up with what you and God have agreed on.
Expectation: Peter had several expectations. One, he expected that he would be able to walk to Jesus or he wouldn’t have gotten out of the boat. Second, he expected Jesus to save him, or he wouldn’t have asked him to. What are your expectations? Most of us lose the battle with our courage because we don’t expect to win. We think of all the reasons why something could go wrong instead of the reasons why it could go right. Get out of your head!!! Expect great things and great things will come to you.
So when you find yourself struggling with your (courage) faith, think about Peter. Peter had to make some choices. If he really wanted to get what he desired in this case to be where Jesus was (understanding/reason), he had to push aside his doubt (confidence). He had to do something he had never done before (opportunity). He had to believe it was possible and leave those that didn’t (attitude check). He had to realize that even if it didn’t work, God would be there to catch him (guidance/expectation).
This is just one way God gave me revelation on COURAGE. Join me over on my Facebook page as we talk about Blue, a little bird, that wanted to be like her momma and fly.
Until Next Time,
If you found this helpful or know someone who needs encouragement, please take a moment and share it on social media.
Life can be jacked up at times!! I mean you think everything is going well and then suddenly, out of nowhere, the rug is pulled from under your feet. Stop fooling yourself! You might not want to admit it but I will – I felt when they started pulling the rug. I felt the small tugs and I felt the tugs that made me dizzy. I lost my balance a couple times but popped back up determined to ride it out. Then there were times, I fell so hard, it left scars. But I wasn’t going to let some scars keep me from what I wanted. I didn’t just ask for the rug, I begged for this rug. I asked God to fix this rug. I invested deep – lots of money and time into this rug. My whole life was centered around this rug. I went back on several occasions to get this rug. It was mine and I wanted it! At any cost, I was going to have it even if it killed me in the process!! Wow, haven’t I been here before?
