by Coach Tina | Oct 28, 2015 | Growth
What do you do when the love you show someone is not returned? Regardless of how much you love them, it seems they just don’t love you back. You go out of your way to show them the affection, yet you end up hurt from their lack of compassion towards you. You want to scream, “LOVE ME ALREADY!!”
The Bible says we are to love each other. Actually it was a command that God gave us. “A command I give to you, love one another as I love you”. John 13:34 It is your duty to love others. So regardless if they show you love you or not, you must love them.
Now the instruction is to love others, not to tolerate being mistreated by others. Some people just don’t know how to love or to show love. This has nothing to do with you or the love you show them, this has everything to do with them and their selfish desires. Remember, you have not because you ask not. I truly believe whatever you desire in life, you have the ability to ask God and He is faithful to give it to you. This includes the ability to love and the ability to show love. If you find yourself unable to show love, ask God to help you. He WILL!!
“Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love”. 1 John 4:8.
Instead of being upset that someone don’t love you, be upset that they don’t know God.
Love is love. Your love will not change a person’s actions. Your love will not make a person better. If a person is a bully, they are going to continue being mean. A liar will continue
to lie. A cheater will continue to cheat. A thief will continue to steal. Your love, in itself, will not change that person. Only the person’s true desire to change, will cause a change in them. Their change is their responsibility not yours.
So many times we offer love to people in hopes of being loved in return. There are even times when we only show love because we want something back. We have convinced ourselves the love we receive from others is predicated by the love we offer to them. You better stop fooling yourself. Just because you show someone love is not a requirement for them to love you. Learn to show yourself the love you so deeply desire. Loving yourself is your responsibility.
The love you show others, should never be contingent upon receiving something in return. You show love because that’s what you have been commanded to do. Just like forgiveness, love is not what you do for others, love is what you do for yourself. Love is what you do out of obedience to God.
Love should never be conditional. What if God’s love was conditional?
Let’s be honest, we would be some loveless, lonely people.
There is another scripture that says, “Love covers a multitude of sin” 1 Peter 4:8. Love covers the sin. It don’t mean the sin is not there. It means because you are showing love (true love) the sin is not what you focus on. You love people where they are. You love people out of obedience. You love people because God loves you. Then you pray for their sins and yours.
So when the love isn’t returned, and you find yourself wanting to withhold the love… When the love isn’t meeting the expectations you had in mind… remember you are not showing love in order to get something back, you are showing love because God commanded you to do so. You are showing love because God demonstrates love towards you.
You are showing love because GOD IS LOVE.
Until Next Time,
Tina
by Coach Tina | Oct 21, 2015 | Fear
Do you find yourself stressing over what someone has said or think about you? Do you feel a need to defend yourself to other people? Do people tend to take what you say out of content or change it to fit what satisfies their own agenda? Or maybe no one has ever asked you what you really meant by what you said. They made their own assumption and you find yourself having to clean it up.
STOP DOING THAT!!!
The assumptions people make about you is not your concern UNLESS what they assume is true. Let me start at the end and go back. If you have positioned yourself in a manner in which you give someone something to talk about – Stop!! The Bible says don’t let your good be evil spoke of. It also says don’t be a stumbling block for your brother (or sister). So if the problem is you – FIX IT!!!!
But when you know you haven’t done anything and people are still talking… let them talk. Proverbs 4:7 says in all your getting, get an understanding. Understand that people are going to talk. People live for drama. And most people would rather focus on a lie about you than deal with the truth about themselves. (tweet this)
But let them talk, that’s not your concern!!!
Growing up most of us was taught the 23rd Psalms. If you haven’t read it, please go do so. I’ll wait for you. There are many passages in the Bible that I like but “He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies” is one of my favorites. This verse is saying that God will provide abundantly for me. He will make a 
table of plenty just for me. He will give me my hearts desires. He will take care of me. And then He will do it in front of my enemies. This says a lot… First that God loves me that much!!! Then realize there will always be people that don’t like you. (and that’s okay) You will never be able to please everyone. (and that’s okay) You are not exempt from having enemies. (and that’s okay) But more importantly, God will protect me from them and provide abundantly for me in spite of them. (Praise the Lord!!)
So don’t let the naysayers and busybodies that talk about you, mistreat you, or even misrepresent you, cause you to lose sight on what God has promised you. It is not your job to focus on them. It’s your job to focus on God and the assignment He has given you.
You see we all have enemies – I just call mine my motivators. They motivate me to be better. They motivate me to do better. They help me to seek God more. They make my prayer life more focused. My grandmother would always say… “They talked about Jesus. What makes you think they want talk about you?” So don’t get caught up what people say about you. Don’t get all bent out of shape because someone don’t like you. Instead pray for them. Love them and thank God for them. Because that means your table is going to be plentiful and beautiful because
God’s preparations are always over the top!!! (tweet this)
If you don’t get anything else from this blog post, remember you will always have enemies. But God loves you and will protect you from the snares of the enemy.
Until Next Time,
Tina
by Coach Tina | Oct 16, 2015 | Growth
There comes a time in life when you have to throw up your hands and ask for help. Those of you that know me or have at least read my book, “What You’re Hiding is Hindering Your Blessing”, know I’ve struggled with asking for help. I was one of those people that believed asking for help was a sign of weakness.
Well as of recent, I’ve learned asking for help is a sign of strength. A realization that I don’t have to do it alone and that I shouldn’t do it alone. The problem is not in asking for help. The problem is in who you are asking for help.
For many years, I walked around angry. I was angry as a young girl. I was angry as a teenager. I was angry as a young woman. I was just angry. Yes, there were many occurrences that I could blame as the reasons behind my anger. I could even get several people to stand in agreement that I had a “right” to be angry. But what does anger really do for you? It will never solve the problem. It will never change the situation. It will not make the situation right. Most of the time it will just keep you stuck!!
We all have what I call a “victim story”. Most of us enjoy telling our story, especially to someone that wants to listen to it and will show sympathy. But I’ve learned constantly retelling that story does not help. In fact, you find yourself reliving the situation over and over again. The pain continues to rest inside of you and the anger builds. Your story becomes your life.
I don’t know about you but I don’t want pain to be the story of my life.
There comes a time when enough is enough and you must ask for help. Even in situations like –anger. However, be careful who you reach out to. Everyone is not equipped to handle your story. Not everyone can give you sound advice and encouragement. When you really get tired of being angry, ask God to release the anger from you. He is faithful and loves you so much that not only will he release you of the anger, He will begin to erase the evidence of the anger.
Isn’t that amazing? Not only will He stop the anger but He’ll help you to forget what caused the anger.
It wasn’t until I asked God to help me with my anger that I was able to release it. It wasn’t until I stop waddling in my anger that I was able to stand
up in my deliverance. It wasn’t until I stop telling the stories that the story stopped controlling me. It wasn’t until I stop telling the story that I learned the lessons from my story.
So many times we stay stuck in our anger because we feel if we let it go, it says whatever caused our anger didn’t exist. Okay, wait!! Maybe that’s just me. Well I felt, if I let go of the anger I was letting the person that hurt me off the hook. That’s the furthest thing from the truth. When you let go of that anger, you are letting YOURSELF off the hook. You are saying I’m tired of reliving this pain. I’m tired of allowing everyday thoughts to bring my spirits down. I’m tired of not truly being happy.
Do you realize that you have the power to make yourself happy? Do you realize you have the ability to make yourself smile even when you want to cry? Do you realize that no one can “make” you sad? Yes, people can do things that trigger different thoughts in your mind. Something happens and it reminds you of a something from your past. Those thoughts then prompt a feeling inside of you and you begin to react. So it’s not what someone else did. It’s not what someone else said. It’s the thoughts you have associated with whatever happened that makes you feel a certain way. And again, guess who controls your feelings? You do!!
I was tired of being angry. I was tired of walking around telling my sad story. I was tired of being a victim. I
was just plain tired.
So one day I decided I was not going to hold on to that anger any more. I didn’t know how I was going to let it go. But I was determined that I was letting it go!! I cried out to God and this is what I started seeing take place:
- I rewrote my “victim story” and made it a “story of victory”.
- I changed how I viewed the situation. I no longer looked at it from a defeated position.
- I focused on the lessons I learned and vowed never to forget them.
- I used what I learned to be a help to someone else.
- I thanked God for trusting me enough to bring me through the struggle.
You see your story is not to tear you down. Your story is to build you up, so that you can build up the next person. So when you are tired of being angry. When you are tired of being the victim. Ask God to help you become the victor and to show you how your story is to help the next person let go of their anger.
Until Next Time,
Tina
by Coach Tina | Oct 7, 2015 | Abuse, Fear
The month of October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. So all month I will shared facts on my community page on Facebook Unhindered Blessings. If you aren’t a part of that community, please join it. Not only is that page about encouragement and motivation but it addresses the issues faced by women in today’s society.
Domestic Violence is defined as abuse suffered by a person that shares an intimate or family relationship with their abuser. It is where a person uses random and habitual acts of intimidation to control someone else. This is usually done repeatedly and becomes more and more sever over time.
Domestic Violence affects individuals from all walks of life. It does not discriminate. You can be black, white, rich, poor, young or old. You can be gay or straight. You could have grown up with both parents or in an orphanage, it really doesn’t matter. Anyone forced to change the way they act out of fear of upsetting someone else is usually in an abusive situation.
One of the hardest things in the world is to see someone you love being a victim of anything but abuse from someone they care about is extra hard. The other is to be a living through abuse and feeling that no one understands or cares. Well I’ve been in both situations. And yes it sucks!!!!
If you have a loved one in an abusive relationship, the best thing you can do for them is to be encouraging and non-judgmental. They are receiving enough of judgment and harrassment from their abuser. You also don’t want to give them a reason to isolate themselves from you. Listen to them but allow them to make their own choices. Be supportive but don’t be opinionated. It’s their life!!!
If you feel you are being abused or you are experiencing domestic violence, remember
- You are NOT to blame.
- You do NOT deserve to be mistreated.
- You are NOT alone.
- You have rights.
- There is help out there for you.
How do you get out?
Find someone you trust and tell them what is going on. I know it may be hard. You may feel embarrassed. You have been told that no one cares and that no one will believe you. You may have even tried to tell someone before and they didn’t believe you. Tell someone else!! Trust me the situation is not going to get better until you separate yourself from it.
If you feel your life is in jeopardy if you leave or tell someone, I understand that can be scary. But realize that you have to fight for yourself. That don’t always mean physically fight. You have to fight for your sanity and what you want. You can do this. I believe in you. No one deserves to be mistreated. No one deserves to be abused. No one deserves to be called names. No one deserves to feel less than. NO ONE!!!
Be wise. Make good choices. But remember you have choices. No one can take your choice away without you giving it to them. Here are some helpful resources:
Until Next Time,
Tina
by Coach Tina | Oct 1, 2015 | Forgiveness
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how to let go and forget the transgressions of others. Since then I’ve had people chime in asking how do you forget what someone did to you when you are struggling with the forgiving them for what they did in the first place. I must admit that is a very valid response. So let’s address it.
I will also admit that it isn’t always easy for me to offer forgiveness to individuals that do me wrong or I feel have done me wrong (but that’s for another post). But I realized that I had to learn to forgive or I would never get over the hurt. There have been a few things in my life that required that I forgive: abuse, infidelity, slander, rape, lying, and the list goes on. Even though I was not sure how I was going to get over the hurt associated with those things, I knew walking around mad was not helping me. I had to let go of the anger because it was destroying me.
Holding on to anger and not forgiving people will hurt you far more than it will ever hurt the other person.
I also learned many times the person you are angry with don’t even know the extent of your anger and may not even realize they have hurt you. When you hold on to that pain you tend to replay the situation over and over in your mind, causing you to relive the hurt. You think of all the things you should have done that “may” have changed the outcome. You beat yourself up and find ways to blame yourself. Do you see the pattern? You are inflicting pain on yourself for what someone else did.
BUT when you forgive you free yourself from that anger. When you forgive you stop the negative talk in your mind. You can change the images and thoughts you have about the situation. You provide an opportunity to break free of the bondage the hurt/person has over you. You place blame where blame is due and allow them to take responsibility for what they did. You stop blaming yourself for someone else’s actions or behaviors. Now do you see the pattern? You no longer allow that pain to bind you.
It is important for you to understand –
- Forgiveness is not something you do for the other person. It is something you do for yourself.
- Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is an action.
- Forgiveness is not pardoning what they did. It is refusing to allow them to have power over you because of what they did.
- Forgiveness is not saying what they did didn’t hurt you. It is saying they will not continue to hurt you.
But how?
Forgiveness is something you DO every day. You have to make a conscious decision to let go of the pain. Unfortunately, forgiveness don’t come with feelings. It can only be completed by actions. I will go into further details in a later post but the first thing to do is: STOP SEEING YOURSELF AS A VICTIM!!! The actions of others is NOT a reflection of you. The choices they’ve made is a complete reflection of themselves and the issues they have within. If a person will hurt you, many times it’s because of the hurt they are experiencing themselves.
There may be times when you have to disassociate yourself with the person that caused you pain and that’s okay. Just because you don’t allow them in your presence does not mean you haven’t forgiven them. It simply means you have decided to place a boundary to protect yourself. Remember your job is to make every effort possible to take care of yourself.
Until Next Time,
Tina
