Talks with Tina

Are You That Person??

by Coach Tina | May 9, 2018 | Focus, Talks with Tina

Are you that person? You know the one that is ALWAYS doing for others! You provide the need before they even ask. You must have a direct connection with some higher power because you know exactly what they need – you can feel the need and quickly jump to fulfill it!!

Girl, stop fooling yourself! You ARE NOT that in tune nor that powerful! You are just being busy! Nosey! Controlling! And seeking attention!

Yep! I said it! And I mean it! Why can I say that? Because I was the same way! I was busy trying to be everything for everyone else, hoping they would turn around and do some of those things for me. And when they didn’t – well, I got mad! Depressed! And SALTY! Like how dare they not do for me when I’m sacrificing and doing so much for them?

You are who you are. You do what you desire because that’s who you are. You have a heart of gold and people just don’t appreciate it.

Well here is the catcher… people don’t appreciate it because you don’t appreciate yourself. Instead of focusing all your attention on what you think others need how about focusing on what you need. Ooops!!

You go over and above and then complain about what you did – are you doing it because you want to or because you want something in return?
You let them borrow money then remind them how you were the only one that helped them out – that’s not helping!
You answer the call in the middle of the night then tell your girlfriend about it the next day – gossiping is not cute!

Instead of focusing on what you think others need, jumping to fill in all their “emptiness” try thinking about what you need.

Are you lonely? Find something to do. Are you tired? Get some rest. Do you lack purpose? Pursue it.

You can’t fill your own tank trying to fill someone else’s — that’s not how it works. Fill your own tank so that you have the resources and ability to help someone else. You should be sowing from abundance not lack. Because believe it or not it will show!

So again, I ask – Are you that person? Dig deep inside and find out what you are lacking it’s probably all the things you are doing for others and complaining about!!!

Until Next Time,

by Coach Tina | Apr 29, 2016 | Talks with Tina

QUESTION:

I’m embarrassed to write this but I promised myself I would get help. I am in a relationship that in the past has been abusive. He hasn’t hit me in a long time. I know this relationship is not good for me but it seems I can’t let it go. I’ve tried to end it but I love him and feel he’s the one. He promises me he will change but I honestly can’t see much change. I really don’t know what to do. What do I do now?

ANSWER:

WOW!! I’m so proud of you for your honesty. It’s hard to know something is bad for you but want it anyway. It’s even harder when everyone around you is constantly reminding you of how bad it is. Most women stay in abusive relationships way too long. We hold on to the belief that the abuse will stop. We hope that our love will be enough to eventually change him. We even pray that God will send a miracle. Yet nothing changes in fact if we are honest it only gets worse.

Baby girl, I wish I could wave a magical wand and your situation would change but I’m no fairy godmother. In fact, if I had that ability I would wave that wand my way. What I can tell you is you need to make a decision. You need to decide what is best for you. No one can make that decision but you. I get the impression you are more concerned about what’s best for him than what’s best for you. You said you know the relationship is not good for you BUT you’re still in in it. You said he promised to change BUT he hasn’t.

Actions speak louder than words any day. If a person say they are going to do something but then they don’t, you can count that as a lie. If a person does one thing while saying something else – most likely they are “doing” what they wish they had the nerve to “say” they would do. What I mean is this… he may have stopped hitting you and if not this response would have been different. But he is still being abusive if he isn’t treating you the way you desire to be treated. Regardless how much love you show, you cannot change anyone and you definitely can’t make anyone love you.

WHAT DO YOU DO? Learn to love yourself. Learn to date yourself. Learn to be kind to yourself. Learn to be patient with yourself. Take the time to find what you really desire in a mate. Clearly you haven’t done that. You are attracting the “toad” in him because that’s all you feel you deserve. Straighten up your crown and demand to be treated like the queen you are. As long as you sit by the pond with the toads you will never enter into the palace and be treated like royalty.

To the woman in an abusive relationship: I know you think you don’t have a choice. But you do. I know you think no one cares about you (he’s told you that a million times). But I care. I know you don’t see how you are going to make it. You really don’t need to. What you need to know is the longer you stay in the situation, the worse it’s going to get. Today it may be yelling, tomorrow it could be hitting by the next day you may not be alive to tell what happened. In no way am I telling you what to do because I really do believe you are able to decide what is best for you. You may not know how you will do it and that’s okay. There are people available to help you with that. All you need to do is make a decision that you are ready for the abuse to stop. I am praying for you. I am praying that you will see how special you are and that you will come to understand that love does not hurt. I pray that you will realize you are unable to change anyone and you cannot make someone love you. You can always reach out to me at info@tinabaileyonline.com or send me a private message on Facebook at Tina Bailey Online.

Why do they stay? (Talks with Tina)

by Coach Tina | Apr 8, 2016 | Talks with Tina

Q: Why do women stay in abusive relationships? If it’s so bad why don’t they just leave?

A: This question was personal to me. Because not only have I asked someone this question but I’ve been asked this question. It gets to the point that you don’t tell anyone what’s going on because you know they will never understand. I used to say I was staying because of the kids. I would say it was because of finances. I would even say because God didn’t tell me to leave yet. And although those reasons were true, they weren’t enough to stay if I really wanted to go. I had to come clean and be honest with myself. I stayed because I didn’t think I deserved any better. I stayed because it had become the norm. I stayed because although it hurt I knew what to expect (it was comfortable).

Now having said all of that let me make something clear….Please don’t throw in the face of a person that is in the midst of an abusive situation all the reasons she need to leave. She really don’t need to hear that and she needs to make up her mind as to what is best for her and come to grips with what is keeping her in the situation. You may have your own thoughts as to what’s best and you may even be trying to keep her safe. But telling her what to do is the worst thing you can do. Because now you are taking away her ability to choose what she “wants” to do. Basically you are no better than the person abusing her.

You see things can be extremely bad. There can be all the signs of abuse. There can be physical evidence: bruises, broken bones, swollen eyes, etc. But until she has made up in her mind that she is ready to leave she will keep going back and you reminding her of how bad of a choice it is, will only push her into his arms faster. Just be patient with her. Just love on her. Just remind her that you are there for her. Let her know that you care about her and that you know she is able to make the best decision for herself (even if she don’t believe it).

Is This Abuse? (Talks with Tina)

by Coach Tina | Mar 30, 2016 | Talks with Tina

Question: My friends say I am in an abusive relationship but I don’t think I am. He only hit me once and promised never to do it again. He’s very passionate about things and sometimes he gets loud to get his point across. My friends say that’s not normal. He reminds me of my dad. He was like that. He would get upset when we didn’t do what he told us and would beat us. At least my boyfriend never does that he just yells. I just have to pay better attention. Do you think this is normal behavior?

Answer: My heart goes out to you for having lived a life that requires you to accept being yelled at as normal behavior. We all get upset from time to time and we will say things that we don’t mean. However, if you are in a situation where you are afraid of being “punished” for not doing something, that is abusive behavior. You mentioned that your boyfriend reminded you of our father when he yells at you. I’m curious to know how that makes you feel. I don’t want to read more into your question than there is but it seems as if you are justifying your boyfriend’s behavior by what you were accustom to as a child. It also seems that you are quick to make sure you “pay better attention” to prevent the yelling from becoming physical. My dear, you do not have to live a life of fear. Fear keeps you stuck. It paralyzes you and you will never be able to move forward.

I don’t want to go any further without addressing the fact that he hit you. Yes, I read it clearly. You said it only happened once. Once is more than enough and you can believe that it will happen again. When you allow misbehavior it is guaranteed to continue. I don’t know what led up to the behavior and it really don’t matter. What matters is the fact that you think it is okay. You were not created to be abused whether it’s through someone hitting you, yelling at you or playing mind games with you. Abuse is abuse and should not be tolerated.

You think your friends are being judgmental and hard on you but they are just concerned about your safety. They want you to not only be safe they want you to be happy. They are bringing these things to your attention because they care about you. It’s good that you have friends that care about you.

It’s hard to think that the person you love could actually be mistreating you. It’s easy to blame yourself for the behavior because (1) it is what you were used to doing (2) blaming him will mean either he don’t love you or you are betraying him, which neither is true. He may love you but he has anger issues that you cannot help him with and you are not betraying him, you are protecting yourself or (3) it may cause worse behavior.

I will be honest with you addressing the issue could cause worse behavior therefore make sure when you address it you are not alone. Before you approach him, call and talk to the counselors at INTERACT or the Domestic Violence Hotline. The main thing is to make sure you are safe and don’t assume that additional abusive behavior will not occur. I pray that you both get the help you need. You are too important to God to live a life in fear.

Thank you for submitting your question.

Talks with Tina

by Coach Tina | Mar 24, 2016 | Talks with Tina

Y’all (in my southern voice) are forcing me to come out of my comfort zone. I usually focus my blog or posts on something encouraging or motivating. If a holiday is near, I may post something about it. There are two months that I set aside to bring awareness to abuse, April and October. Well as most of you know a couple weeks ago I did a blog called “Is Sorry Enough” and several people sent me messages wanting more information. Because of the many questions that stemmed from that blog, I’ve decided to dedicate one blog per week to discuss these issues. Here are a few of the questions that came up. If you have more, please feel
free to send me a message:

What makes a man abuse a woman?
How do you know if it’s abuse or just “the way he is”? (we are really gonna talk about this one)
How do I get out of an abusive relationship?
Why do women stay in abusive relationships?
What do you do if your friend is in an abusive relationship?

I realize you can not be YOUR BEST YOU if you are fighting you way through an abusive relationship. You will never know your own worth with someone constantly telling you you are worthless. However before we go any further, let me make a disclaimer. I am not a therapist. I am not a Psychologist. I am a domestic violence survivor willing to share what I know to hopefully help someone else.

One more thing, if you feel you are being abused, you probably are. No one can tell you what abuse feels like to you. Never allow anyone to tell you that you are overreacting or being sensitive. If it feels like abuse to you, that’s all that matters.

You were not created to be mistreated. You were created in the image of God and He loves you too much for anyone to mistreat you. We all know there are “circumstances” that seemingly prohibits a person from ending an abusive relationship but I beg you PLEASE if you are in a physically abusive relationship and you feel your life or the life of your children are in danger, please get help NOW. No relationship is worth your life.

I came across this list and thought it appropriate to share with you. If you see yourself in any of these situations, you are possibly an abused woman and you need to seek help. Sadly, I have to admit at some point in my life, I’ve seen myself in many if not all of these situations.

14 Characteristics of an Abused Woman

The 14 characteristics common to abused women are:

Abused women have to guess at what normal behavior is.
Abused women have difficulty maintaining their focus and drive.
Abused women are often paralyzed by their own negativity so they find it hard to start something new and an uphill struggle to see it through.
Abused women judge themselves without mercy.
Abused women feel they always have to justify themselves.
Abused women have difficulty being light-hearted.
Abused women have difficulty trusting.
Abused women take everything very seriously.
Abused women overreact and catastrophize even over small problems.
Abused women faithfully record every last criticism they experience and they discount praise.
Abused women usually feel they are different to other people as a result of their relationship.
Abused women need approval and affirmation and tend to look for it in all the wrong places.
Abused women are extremely loyal, even despite the evidence that their loyalty is underserved.
Abused women envisage a future that will be just as hard as the present.

If you know someone that can benefit from these discussions, please share it with them. If you have questions you would like me to discuss, please forward them to me. If you have something you would like to share with other women, please send me an email. Remember you are not alone in this, you can always send me a message here at info@tinabaileyonline.com or send me a private message via Facebook at Tina Bailey Online. No one should feel alone especially while dealing with something like this. I’m just a message away.

Until Next Time,