I’m not going to lie… it seems every few months I find myself in a place of doubt, uncertainty, conflict. A place where I feel I’m not enough. A place where I find myself saying things like “I’m DONE! I can’t do this! It’s more than I can handle! Who do I think I am giving advice with all my issues?” Should I be feeling like this as a coach? Maybe I’m in the wrong field! Yes, I’m in the right field! Yes I am enough. Yes I can do this. Yes! Yes! Yes!
Darn PTSD! It’s a beast! Thank God for therapy and JESUS!
Although I know I’m not alone in this battle, it can be a very lonely and confusing experience. But when you are called to make an impact; make a change; do something out of the ordinary; step outside of your comfort zone; go against the grain; call light to the dark; or do things you never thought you could do, it’s going to require something bigger than you. It’s going to cost you something. It’s going to push you into an unknown place, a place you don’t like. And that can be scary!
This month is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Each year I share a bit of my survival story on social media and at local events focusing on the different types of abuse (because it’s not always physical). AND each year, I’m combated with all the reason why I should have kept my mouth shut and quietly embraced just being out of it. Why I shouldn’t give details about what took place. Why I shouldn’t bring up the pain. Why I shouldn’t have said ANYTHING! How my story is NOT as bad as someone else’s. How I should leave this to those with a little more experience and expertise in the field. Every year there will be at least one person to declare “it’s over, let it go”; pushing me into a world spin of mixed emotions about having shared my story.
But this year was different! This year when the private message came, I smiled (I was ready for it). When the post went up about how people should celebrate being free and how talking about it was an indication there was still healing to be made, I remembered the message I got the day before of how my story helped a young lady realize she, in fact, was in an abusive relationship. The judgement of those that could not fathom the impact this traumatic event had on me could not silence me. Sharing my story did not mean I wasn’t healed or wanted to cause pain to my abuser but that I wanted to help another woman NEVER walk through that pain alone like I did. Sharing my story allowed me to reclaim the power that I gave to my abuser every time I kept quiet about what I experienced. Sharing my story got me a step closer to complete healing.
It was liberating not to feel a need to justify my decision to share my story. It felt empowering to not care what people thought or how they felt about me telling my story. My recovery was no longer based on what others thought was appropriate. It was all about what I needed to move forward in my personal healing. It was about using my story to tear down the myths and lies associated with abuse.
We are overcome by our testimony. Yet people want you to be quiet and sit in the pain of it. They want you to be silent because they are simply validated by your misery. When you no longer cater to their needs, they lose their hold over you. You don’t have to prove who you are to anyone except the person in the mirror. She is the ONLY one you must justify your feelings or emotions to. Most people are basking in their own misery and want you to bask in yours. Your testimony is a time to celebrate what you’ve come through. You do not have to be afraid to share it out of fear of what others will say.
The whole idea of feeling like you are not enough or that you can’t do this – is a direct reflection of you comparing yourself to others or trying to live up to expectations of others. You were created for this. Your road may be difficult, and the path may be bumpy. You may have to step over a few stumps every now but it gets easier with time. The road may become harder but how you navigate it will become easier.
Do I still have those moments where I want to throw in the towel? YUP! I probably always will. Because now I realize it’s not because I’m not equipped for the assignment but that the assignment is bigger than me and I CAN’T do it on my own. I need GOD to help me. I need HIM to hold my hand through it. I need HIM to go before me and fight the battles that I am no longer required to fight.
Do you avoid sharing your story because of how others have perceived it and your interpretation of it? Do you allow the expectations of others to control how you view your ability to do what you’ve been called to do? Could you relate to parts of this blog? I’d love to hear your thoughts share them below.
Until Next Time,
