Not forgiving is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die – (quoted by many)
There was a time I had a really hard time dealing with offenses. If someone did something to me, not only did I make it personal, but I dwelled on it. I sat in the pain and allowed it to fester. I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to mistreat or harm me. I was that person that would do anything for anyone. I just found it hard to justify why someone would deliberately hurt me. Then things would take a turn and I would search to see if there was something I did that warranted the offense. Many times, I would justify it with anything I could. Until I had to acknowledge that some people were just mean, and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. 
I also had to come to grips with “hurt people hurt people”. Once I understood these lessons and realized I was doing myself a disservice by making the offense about me, I was able to change the way I looked at the offense. What they were projecting had absolutely nothing to do with me but what they were feeling about themselves. Their “inner me” was having a field day revealing all their insecurities and to combat it they were lashing out at anyone in their path.
So, in most cases I decided to get out of their path and allow them to project that pain on someone else. No longer would I allow people to spur their hate and anger on me when I had nothing to do with it.
Although that philosophy was awesome and provided a logical explanation of their behavior, I found it did not do anything for the pain I still carried around because of the attacks that had already taken place. I found myself emotionally, mentally, physically even spiritually drained. I didn’t want to commune with anyone. I isolated myself from people. I shut down emotionally. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t move forward with the plans I was making for myself. I was a mess.
That is when I realized – I needed to forgive. I needed to really whole heartedly forgive. I needed to let go of the strings that were binding me to that pain and the offenses. I needed to stop allowing what they did to control what I was doing now. But how? How do you move forward from something that had become a customary part of your life?
Well in this week’s blog we will talk about not only how to let go but what happens if you don’t! I will show you how holding on to unforgiveness truly is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die. Holding on to forgiveness robs you of so many things; the most important thing in my opinion, is it robs you of who you were created to be.
Many may deny that unforgiveness causes physical and emotional breakdowns in a person’s life. But tell me if you can you relate to any of these statements?
1. You have unexplained burst of anger. You just get mad for no apparent reason. Everything can be going well and suddenly you explode. And the person at the end of the explosion is usually the person who has offended you in some way but that don’t always have to be the case. You can explode on any one that is in your path.
2. You insist on making sure the offender knows they have offended you. It wouldn’t be right if you didn’t bring it to their attention. They would certainly feel bad if they knew how you felt and maybe right the wrong. Right? Are you bringing it to there attention to help them or to help yourself?
3. You are petty and malicious. You look for things to bring up about the offense or about the offender. You keep track of what they do. You take subtle jabs and possibly send rude messages making sure they are aware of your pain. You gossip about them to anyone that will listen. You look for their flaws to extenuate them. Are you getting better or worse by talking about them?
4. You do not take responsibility for your part in the offense. You can remember exactly what happened, when it happened, what you were wearing when it happened. You can remember what the person smelt like when they did it. But you seldom remember your response or what you did after the offense. It’s always their fault! You did NOTHING wrong?
Do any of those sound familiar? YES!! Then you have a forgiveness problem.
I could go down the spiritual road about forgiveness and remind you, if you don’t forgive, God will not forgive you. (Mark 11:26). But, I’ll leave that for another blog. Today I want to let you know you will NEVER be able to accomplish the goals and dreams you have, holding on to unforgiveness! You will become so consumed with what that person did, it will rob you of your focus, your passion, and your desire. Is it worth it? Is holding on to a grudge that someone has done worth you forfeiting what you desire to do in your life?
You can sit and make all the plans you desire. You can make the prettiest vision boards (y’all know I love a vision board), you can hire the best life coach (that would be me) or you can purchase every self-help book written. Until you clear your heart of unforgiveness, you will not fully fulfill your lifetime dreams or goals.
Are you ready to let it go? It will not happen overnight, but I promise by doing the exercise below, you will at least have a desire to forgive! You will have the tools required to forgive.
- Identify the offender. Choose someone low on your list for this first go around. Someone whose offense was significant but minor. I want you to experience what forgiveness feels like. Many of you are holding on to years of unforgiveness and this will help you feel it for the first time. You will do this with each person on your list.
- Identify your feelings associated with the offense. How do you feel when you think of that person? Do you have rage? Are you angry? Are you shameful? Guilty? Write down the feelings. Write down what you smell, the color associated with it. Write down every emotion you are experiencing right now.
- Let’s forgive. Look at what you wrote on your paper. Examine the feelings carefully. Now imagine if that person was feeling any of those emotions when they offended you. What if someone did something to them that cause those emotions to rise in them and to compensate for how they were feeling they lashed out on you. They were hurting, and you happened to be a vessel they used to release the anger.
Here’s an example. I was riding down the freeway and a car cut me off. I was so mad! I blew my horn! I yelled. I thought about how I could have had a wreck and never seen my child again. I called her all sorts of names. Then I stopped and thought what if she just got a call saying her child was sick or even dying? What if she didn’t see me because her eyes were filled with tears? What if she didn’t even know I was there because her mind was somewhere else? It made me look at the situation differently. I was okay. No damage was done. I prayed for her to get where she was going safely and everything in her life would be okay.
That’s what happens when you forgive. It makes you change the way you view the person that offended you. No, it doesn’t make it right. They shouldn’t have mishandled you. You didn’t deserve it, but they were hurting. It had absolutely nothing to do with you. It was their projection of their pain onto you. But it had nothing to do with you.
Now here is the hard part; you must make a choice; do you continue to blame them for what cannot be changed? Or do you refuse to allow their pain to hinder you from your goals. Your plans. Your purpose.
Give them back their emotions. Their hurt. Their pain and move on with your life. Remember forgiveness is not saying the offense didn’t happen; it’s saying I refuse to allow it to control my life.
Until Next Time,
