I don’t know about you, but I haven’t always been very loving or kind to myself – who am I fooling? There are times I’m still NOT very kind to myself!
When I find myself being nit-picky over everything I do or say, I have to stop and re-adjust my crown. Because if I don’t see myself as a QUEEN, no on else will. If I don’t love myself unconditionally, no one else will. If I can’t show myself grace, no one else will.
However, let me be very transparent; I hate to even write this. Because once you write something, it’s available for the entire world to see. But my judgmental attitude towards myself cause me to be judgmental towards others! YUP! IT DID! Tell the truth shame the devil. When I was in the height of my food addiction, I turned my nose up on those that couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to weigh over 300 pounds or couldn’t understand it was an addiction. When I was hiding the flaws of my marriage, I judged those that didn’t want to hear me complain about it or understand why I didn’t just leave. When I was disgusted by my lack of self-esteem, I called my confident sisters cocky and bougie. When I doubted my ability as a coach, I got mad at those who were further along but didn’t want to share their secrets to success. UMM, the audacity!
Everybody talks about self-love. How important it is and why we must show ourselves love. But they never tell us what it is or how to do it. I don’t mean those blogs where they tell you to take yourself on a date, buy yourself flowers, etc. I mean what the heck is self-love. How does it show up? How do I stop hating myself when that’s all I’ve ever done? How do I show up for myself when no one else ever has? How do I let go of the crave associated with how I currently see myself? YES, you can crave toxicity! We can talk about that later! Enough of the bubble baths and flowers – let’s get real!
What is self-love? One of my favorite definitions is: Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Let’s break that down. Having a high regard – making it a priority. For my OWN – not comparing to others. Well-being – making sure I’m okay. Happiness – not looking for someone else to validate and affirm me. Self-love does NOT mean you are self-centered or narcistic or that you have the grandiose ego! It simply means you are willing to make your happiness and well-being a priority in your life.
But if you’ve never been given permission to do that, it can be difficult. Well, I’m giving you permission! I’m saying it’s okay for you to make yourself a priority. I’m saying it’s okay to be happy. I’m saying it’s okay to protect yourself. I’m saying it’s okay to love yourself. I’m saying it’s okay to make sure you are well. I’m saying it’s okay to say YES to yourself.
Maybe you don’t need permission. Maybe you do a good job showing yourself love. Can I ask you a question? Why are you playing small? Why are you settling for a job you hate? Why are you in a relationship that does not serve you? Why are you making excuses for going after that promotion? Why did you pass on the dress you loved because your friend didn’t like it? Why are you comparing yourself to others? Why are you doubting your abilities? Why haven’t you signed up to take that class? Why are you limiting yourself to your comfort zone? OKAY I know that was more than A QUESTION! But you get the point.
The lack of self-love does not always show up as hateful words. It can show up as subtle biases or comparisons, negative thoughts or unappreciation for the person you see in the mirror. It can show up in limiting beliefs or allowing imposter syndrome to keep you from moving forward. It shows us in judging your sisters. It shows up using religion as the standard in which to live. Pause – God loves you as you are. He does not measure you by your abilities or lack thereof but by your love for Him and desire to make Him Lord of your life.
Survivors of trauma often battle showing love, receiving love, and knowing what love is. So why are you being so hard on yourself for not knowing? It’s a process. It takes time to learn to love yourself after you have been taught you aren’t enough. Give yourself grace. Get up. Straighten your crown. Hit the reset button. And try again. When stumble, get up and do all it all over again as many times as you have to That, my friend, is self-love!
Until Next Time,
