If you were raised in church or around an older person, you have most likely heard the saying “many didn’t make it but I was one of the ones that did”. Many times, it was said during testimonial service followed with how God had delivered them from some horrific situation or circumstance. Until recently, I was one of those that used it; like many of the other religious clichés’, without meaning or thought. It wasn’t till I had a true wake up call and had to fall on my knees that I finally got it. We take so much for granted but understand – one decision can change your life for ever.
Many didn’t make it but I was one of the ones that did.
For months(who am I kidding – years), I walked around like everything was great and my life was picture perfect. I put on the mask and wore it well (had even blinged it out so it didn’t look like a mask). I would send words of encouragement and talk about how great life was. Listen – all those people posting on social media saying life is great ALL the time – THEY LYING!!!! I can say that because I was one of them. I was lying! It was all about the image!
One day I had a real come to Jesus moment and I had to be real with myself (actually it was after a session with one of my clients – but I digress). I asked myself – Tina, what are you doing? What are you trying to prove? Who are you trying to impress? It was time for me to be honest with myself. I had fallen back into my old habits. I was again trying to control what people thought of me. I was more concerned with the image I portrayed than being true to myself. I was doing things I didn’t want to do because it was the “right thing” to do. I was saying yes when I wanted to say no. I was putting on a smile when inside I was crying. I was eating to cover up the pain I was feeling. I had begun to distance myself from loved ones. I was pushing away the things I loved to cater to the things other people liked. I had allowed my need to control the situation or what others saw the situation to be (codependency) to take control of my life AGAIN.
I will do a video as well as write a blog about codependency; but for now – Codependency can be defined as an effort to control and/or manipulate a situation to get a result then getting mad when that result is not received. For example, showing unconditional love in hopes of getting it back. Offering forgiveness in hopes the person would see your pain and never hurt you again. Doing things not because you want to but because you don’t want to make someone mad.
My life was a mess and I didn’t know how to fix it. But I had to figure it out because I am Ms. Fix-it!! My life was out of control and it was driving me crazy. But I had to figure it out because I am Ms. Control-freak! I couldn’t understand how THIS could be happening to me, again. I ALWAYS tried to do what was right and what everyone expected me to do. (Or did, I?)
The facade was taking its toll on me and many days I just wanted to give up but knew I couldn’t because the people were looking. I was tired. I was tired of hurting. I was tired of lying. I was tired of wearing the mask. I was tired of acting like everything was okay. I was tired of trying to be everything for everyone. I was tired of trying to be the super-saint. I was tired of having to act like my life was perfect. I was tired – physically, mentally, and emotionally.
God has a way of sending you help in ways you least expect it. Someone commented on a prayer I had posted several months ago. In this prayer, I asked God to reveal the things in my life that I had put before Him and to give me the strength to let them go. To remove the comfort that I had found in them, so I would no longer desire them in my life.
I never expected Him to actually do it. I never expected this prayer to roll around and be a mirror for me. This was for my friends on Facebook – not for me. I was good. My life was perfect. I was doing just fine wearing my mask and encouraging others to take their off. I was doing just fine. But no, I had to post this prayer and God called my bluff! Wearing the mask became uncomfortable. Hiding the pain became unreasonable. And I had placed them all before the only person that could heal them.
You see it could have been just as easy for me to keep living that lie. I could have continued to deny myself an opportunity for God to work through the pain I was trying to cover up because I felt I had to impress someone. I could have stayed right there in that pain. I could have died in that pain or as a result of that pain. Sadly, many will.
Many didn’t make it but I was one of the ones that did. Many women remain in bad situations out of fear of what people would say. They stay out of fear of what they think the alternative will look like. They stay because someone told them to give it one more try. They stay because they think it’s the “Godly” thing to do. Some even stay because they have become comfortable in the pain.
I just want to ask you one question – Is your “comfort” worth living a lie and going to hell over? God loves you unconditionally and provides you with an opportunity to do whatever you desire; however, He said we should have NO OTHER GOD before Him. Has that man, friend, job, circumstance or situation become a god? Are you using a mask to cover up the hurt it’s causing? (Okay I said one question – I lied!) But don’t allow your mask or the situation you think you are covering up with your mask to replace God in your life. Be one of the ones that makes it. Be one of the ones that allows God to heal the pain behind the mask. Hey – we can do it together!!
Until Next Time,