Life can be jacked up at times!! I mean you think everything is going well and then suddenly, out of nowhere, the rug is pulled from under your feet. Stop fooling yourself! You might not want to admit it but I will – I felt when they started pulling the rug. I felt the small tugs and I felt the tugs that made me dizzy. I lost my balance a couple times but popped back up determined to ride it out. Then there were times, I fell so hard, it left scars. But I wasn’t going to let some scars keep me from what I wanted. I didn’t just ask for the rug, I begged for this rug. I asked God to fix this rug. I invested deep – lots of money and time into this rug. My whole life was centered around this rug. I went back on several occasions to get this rug. It was mine and I wanted it! At any cost, I was going to have it even if it killed me in the process!! Wow, haven’t I been here before?
I’ve thought long and hard about how to share my story or whether to share it at all. Because haven’t I already been down this road before – I mean I have a published book about it! Same thing different day! But I realized that was my shame speaking. That was me wanting to look good in the sight of others. That was me putting that darn mask back on and trying to hide. That was me trying to control everything.
I will say the shame and control won for a while. In fact, it really wasn’t a fight. I gave into it because I didn’t have any fight left in me. I decided to just continue and let what happens happen. I’d go on with life like all is well – no one will ever know. I can hide it. But when you have one of those relationships where you do everything together and then suddenly you are never together – well people start talking (and boy can people talk). The funny thing to me was when people started walking up to me on the street asking am I okay? I want to say “why what happen?” Or you hear lies and try to figure out did that happen and I just didn’t know about it. Or people start avoiding you because they don’t know what to say (okay all you’ve done is show me your shallowness – get over it – I have – well sort of). Or you have the super saints saying it’s gonna work out – I’m praying for you – (I be wanting to say what’s gonna work out? Or please don’t I’ve prayed enough – sorry but not sorry) Ya’ll keep praying for me – I’m a work in progress!
So, here’s the scoop! You can read in my 1st book (click here) about the infidelity, about my co-dependency and insecurity, our control issues, abuse blah blah so I’m not touching that. What I will say for purpose of my blog is during my last separation from my husband I grew up. I went from the naïve teenager portraying an adult that was insecure and seeking love by pleasing others to a woman who knew her purpose, understood her self-worth and was determined to continue to learn more about this new person. For four years, I walked around trying to juggle being the person I was and the person I was becoming. I was miserable! It wasn’t that I didn’t love my husband. I did and always will. But I was learning to love myself and wasn’t willing to get up every morning, put on a mask and act like life was perfect when it wasn’t. I didn’t want to walk on a carpet that was forever moving. I was tired of living in a home where the foundation wasn’t stable. I wanted to trust what I was being told and not second guess myself when I didn’t. I wanted to be proud of the person I saw in the mirror.
I wasn’t called to settle or to be mistreated and neither were you. I can’t tell you what to do in your situation I only knew what I had do in mine. So, if you are looking for me to tell you, you are looking in the wrong place. It took me 4 years and lots of therapy to figure out what was the best move for me and I’m still not sure every day. But I do know I’m at peace knowing I gave my very best. I do know I’m not looking over my shoulders to see who’s watching me. I do know I don’t worry about if I’m doing everything right. I will never do everything right and I’m okay with it. But that was the cross I had to carry. You must carry your own.
I don’t know what will transpire from this point on but I’m excited to see it. I invite you to join me for the ride as I settle into my new norm.
Until Next Time,
