There are times I struggle with feeling of NOT being ENOUGH! During these times, I tell myself I’m not doing enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not small enough. I’m not smart enough. That I should be further along in my journey. I think about how I wanted things to be and how they actually are. I think about things I should have or could have done differently. Things I could have said differently. I think about how I should have said YES when really wanted to or NO when I needed to. I think about how I wish I had spoken up for myself more. I think about how much I settled.
Then I think about the individuals that walked away after promising to always be there. I judge myself harshly when I fall back into the habit of putting the wants of others before my needs. Yea, read that again. I put the WANTS of others before my NEEDS! I criticize myself for not being further along in my recovery. I look at the seemingly successful lifestyle of others and measure myself against it. I isolate myself in hopes that no one will see just how NOT ENOUGH I am. I poke fun at every flaw I have until there is nothing left to poke at. I become impatient and sabotage myself with my words and my actions. I hide from anyone that could possibly see the destruction and call me out on it. I loathe myself in hopes it will help me find motivation to do better and be better.
In the words of Lori Deschene – “We cannot hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.”
I had to realize tearing myself apart, searching for small or large discrepancies (differences), comparing myself to others, measuring myself according to the fictitious images portrayed on social media was only causing more pain. Hadn’t I suffered enough? Hadn’t I felt enough pain? Hadn’t I experienced enough turmoil to last a lifetime? I can now say YES, I have! I was simply inflicting pain onto myself because I had become accustomed to feeling pain.
I hope you CANNOT relate to this… but I also know there is a possibility that at least one reader will relate.
When you find yourself deep in the hole of despair, self-hate or destruction, I need you to focus on these 6 principles.
- You are NOT there anymore. It’s so easy to get trapped in what was that we forget what IS. Our minds are muscles. They need to be stretched every day or they will go back to what’s comfortable. Unfortunately, as survivors, comfort is pain. But you aren’t there anymore. Stretch out of it!
- No one is PERFECT. Many times, we see ourselves as NOT enough because we are searching for perfection. We are looking for everything to be right! I shouldn’t feel this way! Says who? Recovery takes time and will NEVER be perfected! It just take consistency.
- Your mind is playing tricks on you. I already said the mind is a muscle. But it also is deceitful. Isn’t funny how you only remember the good things from that bad situation when you are doubting who you are? Your mind is fighting change. It’s okay. You don’t have to give into it. In fact, life is made up of choice on what to let go of and what to keep.
- ONE day at a time. We are constantly planning. This year has taught me plans mean NOTHING! Every plan I made for this year was changed. When you find yourself overwhelmed, stop and ask, “what can you do in the next few minutes to make things different?” then do it! ONE day at a time – that’s all can we do.
- It’s OKAY to not be okay. I hate when someone says “it’s gonna get better!” YES, it is but right now it doesn’t feel like it! You must be okay with NOT being okay and avoid people that make you feel like your NOT OKAYNESS is a crime! We ALL have moments. The thing is not to stay there and being around people that make you question your feelings, – NAH you can have that!
- Fantasies are NOT reality. Let’s be real, most of us are comparing the lies and facade we see on social media as reality. I don’t know about you but the picture you see on social media is NEVER the first picture I take. There is ALWAYS a retake. Stop looking at what people show you, as reality. IT NEVER IS!
We can always find something or someone to compare ourselves or our situation to. But I’ve learned that when I compare myself to others it takes me back to a place of discontentment, isolation and depression. I begin to do things that aren’t healthy for me mentally or physically. I settle for things that I would NEVER allow a friend to settle for. I shutdown when I need to stand the tallest. I am so critical of everything around me that it disgusts me. ALL because I’m comparing myself to someone else. Someone else’s fantasy!!
Did you know there is someone praying to be where you are right now? All they want is to get to the place you are RIGHT NOW! They are willing to give anything to be there. In fact, remember when you prayed to be where you are right now? Remember when you would have given anything to be right where you are?
You are enough! You are in a good place. You may not see it but the fact that you want more, is evidence you are not ready to give up quite yet and that my friend is when the transformation can begin.
Until NEXT time,
