Today marks 6 months since my mother gained wings. Saying “I miss her” is an understatement. I think of her every day, every moment of the day. Some days I smile thinking about some smart comment she would have made. Some days I think about how beautiful she was in the last dream I had of her and it reminds me she is NO longer battling with chronic pain or her own sadness. She had started talking about how much she missed her loved ones, so in my heart I knew it would not be long, but I just wasn’t ready. Then there are those days where I am mad as hell. I want to yell. I want to scream. I want to just lay in my bed, pull the covers over my head and cry because the pain penetrates so deeply. Some days I feel I cannot breathe because I miss her so much. I find myself constantly bouncing between anger and sadness then guilt and sorrow.
I find myself waddling in self-pity; asking questions like: Did I do enough? Did she know how much I loved her? Should I have made her come live with me? Would she still be alive if I had of done something different? I think about the times I could not talk to her because of some business meeting. Or the days I would get frustrated because she would call me three times to tell me the same thing. God how I wish I could get one of those random calls. I wish she could tell me how Big Grand, Aunt Betty, Jesse and my Dad are doing and more that she could tell me “she’s okay!” I wish I could just have one more day with her. This pain hurts!!! It is just unfair. No one should have to bury their Mom. And no one should have to bury their child. Death sucks!
As soon as I typed that, the thought came to mind “we are born to die”. Death is a part of life. We are not created to stay here forever. God created us to fulfill an assignment and once that assignment is complete, we are called back home to sit with Him and admire the work. I like to imagine my mom sitting with my Dad saying, “look at our baby girl!” I truly hope I am making them proud.
THE BRICK
Life is not always fair. Things happen that cannot always be explained. Somehow, they always seem to happen at the “wrong” time. But when we look back, we realize they happened at the best time. God knew when we could handle it. He knew it had to happen when it did. Only He knows what’s necessary for the next growth experience of our lives.
I look at it like jumping hurdles. We NEVER start off jumping high hurdles. We must build confidence and stamina. We must learn to trust ourselves and our coach. We must get over the fear of falling or failing. Such is life – it’s a big obstacle course filled with hurdles! The difference is most of the hurdles seem to appear out of nowhere. But if you look back you can see they were strategically placed and each one made you stronger than the one before. God knew my first loss could not have been my mom! I may not have been able to deal with that kind of pain. He also knows that whatever comes next, I will be able to get through it because of what I’m learning now.
The storm you are experiencing right now, is not designed to break you. It is designed to build you. To help you build strength. To teach you to trust in yourself and in the process. You will get through this and YOU WILL be better because of it. Okay, you knocked down the hurdle meaning you laid in bed crying or eating a pint of ice cream but you are still here! Girl, get up, dust yourself off. Take a few steps back, look forward, gain momentum, run and JUMP! You can do this! I believe in you. LET’S GO!
Until next time,
