First let me give a disclaimer: I grew! I matured! I embraced who I am and who I’m not! I was stretched into a better person, a better leader, a better mother and a better friend. I learned the importance of fervent pray and consistency. I learned to set boundaries and make my needs clear. I learned that those boundaries shielded me from this month being even more dramatic. With that disclaimer alone, you can see that October tried to take me out! But it did not win. I’m still HERE! Thank GOD!
You would think that by now I would be able to identify the little tricks that arise to distract me and rob me of my focus. But NOPE, not yet! They sneak up on me, tie my shoe laces together,
push me down and take off running. One day I will learn to either check my shoes before I take off after them or turn the other way and completely ignore them. The ladder probably won’t happen any time soon.
One scenario, I’m sure others will follow….
I was given the grand opportunity to sit on a panel at a Domestic Violence training. The facilitator asked questions that brought out parts of my story that I had NEVER shared verbally to a large group. Although I had dealt with my personal shame and guilt through therapy, I still carried this extreme loyalty to my abuser and his reputation. I felt I had somehow sharing certain parts of the story was a betrayal to him. I couldn’t wrap my mind around where this sense of loyalty had come from. But somehow, I had violated it and I felt horrible.
The whole situation made me shut down, isolate myself and feel an extreme amount of shame. I was depressed and withdrawn from my loved ones. I didn’t want to look myself in the mirror. I questioned my abilities as a leader, as a mentor, as coach, as mother as a WOMAN!!
What had I done?
At the end of the day I realized – I grew! I gained strength. I reconnected with my purpose. I made myself a priority. I took back my dignity! I took back my power! I made myself proud! I stood up and decided I would not allow anyone to take my voice again. My voiced mattered. My story deserved to be shared and I could not allow fear of those that refused to see the truth to stop me from embracing mine.
I declared a do-over!
I wanted a chance to help that woman that approached me at the end saying how she could relate to my story. I wanted to be able to look her in the eye and say, “but look at you now, you are strong, beautiful and you are free”! I wanted to reclaim those hours that I laid in the bed thinking I’d done something wrong. I wanted to reclaim the time I wasted thinking they must have thought I was crazy staying in the abuse for so long. I wanted to push aside the thought that someone in the room knew him and was telling him what I said. I wanted to proclaim that whatever they thought or who was there was none my business and not care. I wanted to sit tall in the chair as I share my story so that when I looked at the video I wouldn’t see a scared young girl but a mighty warrior. I wanted a do-over!!!
And when I finally realized my story deserved to be heard and that I had survived things that many did not. When I picked my feelings off the floor and decided to never lay them down again. When I decided to NEVER give anyone power over me again. When I decided that I have NOTHING to be ashamed of. When I decided that he did not deserve my protection – I gave myself a DO-OVER!
I stood in the mirror with tears rolling down my face and declared I am worthy! My story deserves to be heard. I declared I would never allow the feeling of emptiness to overtake me again. I declared I will walk with my head held high and know that I did the best I could at the moment and now that I know better, I will do better.
So, for anyone sitting on your story thinking that by sharing your experience it will violate a self-issued protective order against your abuser, let me be the first to tell you “IT WILL NOT! Your loyalty is to you and your healing. Telling your story will be difficult but it will help with your healing process. You are not seeking revenge you are seeking healing. You are identifying your pain so that you can heal. You are snatching back your power. You are releasing the hold your abuser has over you. You are declaring that you are a survivor! You are taking control of your life. And that I am proud of you.
Until Next Time,
