I took a mental health day! I sat in my chair sipped on coffee until I didn’t want any more. Then I poured myself a big glass of water, opened my blinds and stared out the window. My mind was completely blank. There were no real thoughts at all. Then I thought about all the things on my to do list and smiled realizing I was NOT going to tackle any of them today. I had other plans and things to that must be dealt with once and for all!! I was taking a mental health day!
Let’s back up and see why it was so important for me to take a moment and regroup
I found myself sitting at my desk and out of the blue tears started rolling down my face. It freaked me out like what was going on? Why am I crying? Why am I emotional? I really couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I was just being motivational and encouraging and here I sit crying. Why?
I started thinking about all the things that had went wrong in my life and what I could have done to prevent them. I found myself contemplating going back to the things that I asked God to deliver me from. I don’t mean just thinking about it, I picked up the phone to make the call. Thankfully the tears started falling and distracted me. I had temporarily lost my mind. I fought through hell to break that soul-tie why would I even entertain re-entering that dysfunction?
I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes, so I could go to the bathroom and pull myself together. I stood in front of the mirror and gave myself a pep talk ‘Pull it together! You are stronger than this! This is totally unacceptable! There is nothing wrong with you! Stand up straight and walk like the queen you are! YES!! I talk to myself like that – try it before you place judgement!
I returned to my desk ready to tackle the rest of the day and just like that, the tears started rolling down my face again. I realized I was slipping into a mild depression! So, I did what I tell my clients – reach out! Don’t allow yourself to slip into a place you fought to get out of.
I called a member of my support team and after a brief conversation and prayer, I felt better and was able to finish the day. But I knew upon leaving, I would not be returning to work the next day. I needed to get my head together and figure out what this was all about.
I thought I had dealt with all the feeling associated with the abuse, the separation and ultimately the divorce. I had forgiven him and had forgiven myself. I had moved on. I had the therapy bills to show it!
I, then, had to be honest with myself -I had dealt with it, I had forgiven but I was still grieving. I was entering the final stages, but I was grieving. I started doing some research on grieving and found very little about grieving someone that is still alive.
I read how it could take up to a year for every 10 years you are with a person – what that’s three years! Then they say add additional time if the relationship was toxic or abusive. Man, ain’t no body got time for that!! I’m ready for this to be over and done with!
Then I read this quote – You only struggle because you are ready to grow but aren’t willing to let go. Drew Gerald
Well, dang!!!! I have to deal with these feelings if I wanted to move on. I have to step up to the plate. I have to cope with what I was really feeling. I had to deal or stay stuck. So it went like this – I am angry. I am hurt. I am embarrassed. I am full of ashamed and guilt. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I was ABUSED!!! But wait – I knew all of that! I had already acknowledged that. BUT I hadn’t let it go!!!
I hadn’t let it go! I was still holding on to so much anger and pain! Although I had healed a lot; there was a part of me that was a lot I was still holding on to. I was so mad! Like when would this stop! When would this end! So I set deal with it once and for all. I wanted answers. I want to know why. I was pissed. Maybe the research was right – it does take time to get over all the pain.
So, on my mental health day. I sat and allowed myself to accept where I was in the process. I gave myself the space to cry and to grieve and to be angry. I gave myself permission to be okay with not being okay. And the funniest thing happened – NO TEARS!! Like, where were the freaking tears! I sat aside a whole day to allow the tears to fall and nothing, absolutely nothing happened!
That’s when I realized by facing my fears and given room for me to feel what I so desperately wanted to avoid, I took control over them. I won the battle. Now do I believe it’s completely over? NO!! But I will give way to the feelings as they come. I will stop being so hard on myself thinking something is wrong with me and that it’s wrong for me to express my feelings.
My mental health day was a good day and it didn’t involve a glass of wine at least not yet – it gave me an opportunity to check my mental health and see that all is well after all.
Until Next Time,
