Last night during a meeting I heard a quote ** “nothing changes, if nothing changes”. This quote not only sums up the last year of my life but could possibly be the mantra for my life.
Sometimes change requires you to do some thing drastic. Something that scares you a little bit or a whole lot!! Something that challenges everything you’ve ever known. Exactly a year ago today, I decided to make such a change. A change that would not only change life as I knew it but change the entire view of what life was. I remember the day like it was yesterday. In fact, sitting earlier this week, it was hard for me to believe it has been a year. Where did the time go?
On this day a year ago, I jumped. I mean really jumped!! I jumped into an unknown area. An area I’d never experienced before. An area that not only made my heart beat a little faster but made me excited and queasy at the same time. An area I’d wanted for a long time but was too afraid to move into. An area that I knew was necessary but was willing to avoid if possible. An area that would change not only my life but the lives of everyone connected to me. I knew by making this jump, I would not be able to go back or things would be worse than ever before. It took me three years to gather the courage to make this jump.
I prayed. I fasted. I sought help from people I trusted. Yet even though I knew what I had to do, the thought of doing it scared me! I would even say paralyzed me.
Iyanla Vanzant quoted – “if your dreams don’t make you pee on yourself just a little bit, they aren’t big enough”. Big dreams are scary. They require you to dig into a place unknown.
What was my dream? To build a life I loved and to love the life I live. I dreamed of a life full of peace and tranquility. A life where I was loved and not tolerated. A life where I wasn’t afraid to be me. A life where I could laugh and be genuine about it. A life where I was truly happy. A life where my dreams mattered. A life where I slept in peace. A life where I looked forward to waking up because I had something to look forward to. But that life also scared me because I knew it would require me to make changes that I didn’t know how to make.
After three long years, lots of prayer, hours of counseling, repeated signs that the situation was not going to change unless I made a change, I jumped. I moved out of my house into an apartment. I left my comfort zone. I leaped – fear attached but I leaped! I said good-bye to drama, chaos, turmoil and lies. I made a conscious decision to live MY life not the life someone else felt was appropriate for me.
I remember the first night in the apartment, everybody had left and I was laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling. With tears rolling down my face, my heart pounding uncontrollably, feeling confused yet excited, I asked myself “what the hell did you do?”
The next few months were full of queasy stomachaches, rapid heartbeats and lots of praying but today I can say. I have it all!!! I love the life I’m building. It’s full of peace and tranquility. I laugh from a place I didn’t know existed. I am surrounded by people that love me and not just tolerate me. I look forward to each day knowing something great is going to happen. I am no long afraid to live. I actually look forward to living.
It’s been hard for me to celebrate the last 365 days because I felt it would be wrong. I felt it would make the last 30 years of my life a waste. But that’s the furthest thing from the truth. I can celebrate the person I have become, realizing the things I learned over the last 30 years have been a part of the awesomeness that is developing. I can look at the last year and see how much I’ve grown. How much I’ve learned to trust myself. How it’s okay to say “no” when I need to and “yes” when I want to. How taking the time to care for myself has made me a better mother, grandmother, daughter, and friend. How making that original jump has given me courage to continue to make jumps.
So today I celebrate my one-year anniversary. Not with balloons or cake. But with honor and respect for who I am and who I am becoming.
Until Next Time,
**I would love to give credit to the person who originally made this quote but I couldn’t find it on the internet. So, if you know who it was drop it in the comments below.
