QUESTION:
I’m embarrassed to write this but I promised myself I would get help. I am in a relationship that in the past has been abusive. He hasn’t hit me in a long time. I know this relationship is not good for me but it seems I can’t let it go. I’ve tried to end it but I love him and feel he’s the one. He promises me he will change but I honestly can’t see much change. I really don’t know what to do. What do I do now?
ANSWER:
WOW!! I’m so proud of you for your honesty. It’s hard to know something is bad for you but want it anyway. It’s even harder when everyone around you is constantly reminding you of how bad it is. Most women stay in abusive relationships way too long. We hold on to the belief that the abuse will stop. We hope that our love will be enough to eventually change him. We even pray that God will send a miracle. Yet nothing changes in fact if we are honest it only gets worse.
Baby girl, I wish I could wave a magical wand and your situation would change but I’m no fairy godmother. In fact, if I had that ability I would wave that wand my way. What I can tell you is you need to make a decision. You need to decide what is best for you. No one can make that decision but you. I get the impression you are more concerned about what’s best for him than what’s best for you. You said you know the relationship is not good for you BUT you’re still in in it. You said he promised to change BUT he hasn’t.
Actions speak louder than words any day. If a person say they are going to do something but then they don’t, you can count that as a lie. If a person does one thing while saying something else – most likely they are “doing” what they wish they had the nerve to “say” they would do. What I mean is this… he may have stopped hitting you and if not this response would have been different. But he is still being abusive if he isn’t treating you the way you desire to be treated. Regardless how much love you show, you cannot change anyone and you definitely can’t make anyone love you.
WHAT DO YOU DO? Learn to love yourself. Learn to date yourself. Learn to be kind to yourself. Learn to be patient with yourself. Take the time to find what you really desire in a mate. Clearly you haven’t done that. You are attracting the “toad” in him because that’s all you feel you deserve. Straighten up your crown and demand to be treated like the queen you are. As long as you sit by the pond with the toads you will never enter into the palace and be treated like royalty.
To the woman in an abusive relationship: I know you think you don’t have a choice. But you do. I know you think no one cares about you (he’s told you that a million times). But I care. I know you don’t see how you are going to make it. You really don’t need to. What you need to know is the longer you stay in the situation, the worse it’s going to get. Today it may be yelling, tomorrow it could be hitting by the next day you may not be alive to tell what happened. In no way am I telling you what to do because I really do believe you are able to decide what is best for you. You may not know how you will do it and that’s okay. There are people available to help you with that. All you need to do is make a decision that you are ready for the abuse to stop. I am praying for you. I am praying that you will see how special you are and that you will come to understand that love does not hurt. I pray that you will realize you are unable to change anyone and you cannot make someone love you. You can always reach out to me at info@tinabaileyonline.com or send me a private message on Facebook at Tina Bailey Online.
