Most survivors of Domestic Violence have had years of torment; yet they are expected to mentally resolve that torment just because the relationship ended.
Don’t talk about it. The past is the past. Let it go. You are not there anymore – stop revisiting it. If it still bothers you, you are not healed. Blah Blah Blah. I’ve heard it all. What they don’t tell you is the storm may be over but there is still debris that must be cleaned up.
No one tells you how simple things can cause your mind to shift back to the horror. No one tells you that it can affect every relationship you will encounter; even nonromantic relationships. No one tells you that there may be times when you crave the good days of the relationship. No one tells you there could be a constant battle within where you blame yourself. No one tells you how the case is not innocent until proven guilty but guilty until proven innocent. No one tells you how to deal with healthy love because you’ve never experienced it. No one tells you how you will require constant reassurance that what you do is enough. No one tells you how you will struggle to trust yourself. No one tells you it’s hard to accept kindness without feeling as if they want something in return. No one tells you it’s okay to set boundaries that protect your mental health. No one tells you about the debris that still needs to be cleaned up.
You got out, you survived, NOW, you must assess the damage. You must figure out how to deal with the debris that was left. I recently shared this thought with someone that reminded me; sometimes it’s so dark during the storm, you can’t even see the damage until the sun comes out. That hit hard and prompted me to change the dynamic of this post. The sun coming out can resemble a better life with a great relationship, prosperity, hope and new found freedom but one memory can rob you and hold your thoughts hostage.
I will not say… “You are not there, get over it” because that is the biggest bunch of BS ever. What I will say is “let’s clean up the debris so you can celebrate surviving the storm!” Let’s count your blessings. Let’s acknowledge the pain and create systems that help you maneuver through your relief efforts. Let’s create a vision for a life you can look forward to. Let’s get honest with how you feel so you can stop allowing the negative inner critic to make you question your worth. Let’s fight together.
When disaster strikes, they call for a state of emergency. They pull together resources from all over. They don’t try to handle the relief efforts alone. The bring in professionals. You cannot do this alone. You are not expected to do this alone. You may have had to in the past but you don’t anymore. You need a support group.
The best thing I ever did was create my own support group: a counselor, a life coach, and a confidant. This group helped me clean up the debris. Every now and then I find some broken branches or glass laying around, but I know how to navigate around it until I am able to pick it up and discard it properly. I hope you caught that… there is a time to address things. NEVER feel like you must deal with something immediately. The worse thing we can ever do is try to face pain when we are already worn down from something else. You cannot allow it to linger but you CANNOT fight when you are already feeling defeated. Your support team will help you move through the pain, so it don’t sit too long.
If you don’t get anything from this brick, I hope you realize you are NOT alone. We all are trying to clean up debris from a storm that ran out of rain a long time ago. There is no timeline for the cleanup, it will NEVER look the same again BUT it can look better.
I’m cheering for you and willing to be part of your reconstruction crew when you are ready. just let me know. Until then be good to yourself. You are the only one that can identify the debris that needs to be cleared.
Until Next Time,
