Bob and Weave!! I can hear those words being yelled at me as my brother prepared me to stand up to the playground bully. He would throw punches and if they connected, he would yell, “Bob and Weave! Protect yourself at all costs. Never give anyone a clear jab at you. Make them work for it.” Then he would proceed to throw another punch. I got good. I soon was able to predict when the jabs were coming and was able to avoid contact.
Looking back, I realize that bully was a frail little boy, afraid of his own shadow and my fear allowed him to hide his insecurities. The things he used to torment me with, are the things women across America are paying for. My lips. My butt. My smarts. Only at the time I didn’t know they were assets; I saw them as liabilities that were used as ammunition from the enemy. For a moment I became a bully using my words to ward off the vicious attacks on the playground. As the bully was making his way to me, I would make sarcastic remarks about how he struggled with his schoolwork or how his clothes were dirty. Anything to keep him at bay and soon, he found another victim. I didn’t have to bob and weave anymore; I just needed to distract the opponent and make him work for it.
Soon that opponent became my own insecurities. Equipped with the lessons I’d learn from my brother and the playground bully, I learned to Bob and Weave avoid direct contact at all costs. Never allow them to get a clear jab at you. Make them work for it! So, when I would experience any type of pain, I would sweep it under the rug, put on my big girl panties and go into defense mode. I would act as though there was NO PAIN. I would do whatever was needed to bounce back from the sucker punch that connected and made me question who I was. This became normal practice. Soon it became the way of life, and I became stoic to anything that threatened to cause pain. It became something I would simply adjust to.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I admitted I was a victim of my own defenses. I kept trying to figure out why I continually attracted toxic and abusive people into my life. Why I would dismiss those that didn’t mistreat me but hold tight to the ones that did. . Why I would settle for less than I deserve or desired. Why I would justify the behaviors of others but discredit or minimize my own successes.
To Bob and Weave is defined as a repeated attempt to avoid dealing with a problem. I would minimize my emotions or disappointments to avoid dealing with a problem or causing conflict. I would deflate or disassociate from the toxic behavior blaming myself for the misbehavior of others. I would isolate myself from anything that could appear too good to be true because I believed it would eventually cause some type of harm or pain. I would never give credit for my accomplishments because that would set me up for some type of failure later in life. I would highlight my own imperfections before someone else had a chance. I would only allow myself a moment to feel because anything longer could potentially cause a spiral in my emotions, and I would lose control. Yes, I am a control freak – even if control was gained by avoidance.
Trauma has a way of torturing you even through your healing process. I will never give into the trauma or its effects, but I have learned to give space to how I feel at the moment. As I navigate my own healing, I can see how childhood trauma set me up to accept traumatic episodes in my adult life. Now, I take the time to mother the little girl in me. I take time to check in with her and see what she needs at the moment. I try not to dismiss the feelings of hurt or disappointment. I try not to make her suffer again for her inability to bob and weave. I try not to become her bully or abuser. I try, which is all I can do at the moment. But the stronger I get the less I have to try. The stronger I get the more I can DO. No more bobbing and weaving. I’m facing things head on. I’m making a conscious decision to commit to my recovery, being patient with myself as I process the hurts and standing up to the bully even when it’s me.
As you go through your own self-discovery, it’s important to bring truth to the table and digest it. You cannot dismiss the mishaps that happened in your life and expect to be able to digest the things that are hard to swallow. You must chew them bit by bit and spit out the things that you no longer need. I will be the first to admit Bobbing and Weaving was part of my every day. Standing up to fear was and is difficult. But I know that some hits are necessary. They allow me to see how strong I am. They allow me to grow. They allow me to learn. They allow me to prepare. They allow me to stand firm in my own convictions. They allow me to set boundaries. They allow me to dismiss the things that no longer serve me. They allow me to be the person I am unapologetically. They allow me to be the BOSS – Bold, Optimistic, Strategic and Self- Reliant. They allow me to be the CEO of my own life. They allow me to demote, promote and terminate anything that no longer provides substance to my life. They allow me to be Tina – the woman for women.
Until Next Time,
