Establishing boundaries and creating self-trust go hand in hand. The more you set and honor your boundaries, the more you begin to trust yourself and believe in yourself. The more you trust yourself, the healthier your boundaries become and the easier it is to implement them.
Many survivors struggle with setting boundaries because they are afraid of offending someone or have never felt comfortable standing up for themselves. They question whether what they desire is feasible, healthy, or fair. They are accustomed to having their needs minimized. They have been told on many occasions NO to things they truly desire. They often question themselves and just as often compare themselves to others.
Theodore Roosevelt pinned the quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. Giving the impression when you compare yourself to other, you will never truly find joy. Having a standard by which you live even when comparing it to someone else, is not in itself a bad thing. However, looking at their situation as unattainable or minimizing your accomplishments as it relates to theirs, now that will rob you of happiness.
Everybody has challenges. You can find a person deemed the most successful, most beautiful, most accomplished and versed and I guarantee if you speak with them in detail, they will have a laundry list of items that challenge them. We are all on a journey to a better version of ourselves.
Self-trust is trusting your abilities, judgement, and qualities. Self-trust is loving yourself through your mistakes and being willing to use them to be better. Self-trust is listening to the small or loud voice telling you, you deserve better. Self-trust is walking away from things that cause you to question who you are and what you want. Self-trust is dismissing negativity that presents itself as a form of criticism. Self-trust is opting out of things that previously hurt you despite your dismissal upsetting someone else. 
Establishing healthy boundaries, gives you permission to live according to the rules you establish for yourself. Healthy boundaries provide consequence to those that break your trust or values. Boundaries do not keep good people out; they keep unhealthy qualities out.
When a person challenges your boundaries many times – NO MOST TIME – it’s because you have set a standard against a behavior they have been allowed to do in the past. That, my friend, is not your problem. If what they have been used to doing, does not set right with you, it is a problem and it is theirs. Give yourself permission to say NO, to stand up for yourself and what you want, to address things that don’t set right with you. Those that truly love you will be accepting of your choice. Those that push back – well they may have a like for you, but they don’t love you the way you need them to.
I know it’s hard to accept that someone you love cannot reciprocate that love. But remember every time you accept their limited love and lack of respect for you, you are robbing yourself of the love you deserve. You are telling the little girl inside of you that she is not enough. You are telling the adult version of yourself that she’s not trustworthy. You have ultimately taken on the role of an abuser in your own life.
But how do you develop a stronger trust in yourself when you have never been taught? Baby steps! You take baby steps! You start small. If you stumble, you get back up, wipe yourself off and do it again and again and again. There is no magical formula for developing self-trust, especially if you have been put in a position where your choices have caused you pain. But here are some strategies.
- Forgive Yourself – Understand the person you were when you made those choices, were making choices based off what appeared best at that time. Those choices may have been appropriate at that time. And even if it did not render the best outcome, you learned something from it.
- Love Yourself – The same love you freely give to others, give to yourself. If you would not say it to a child, don’t say it to you. Self-love is something that does not come easy if you’ve witness trauma. You blame yourself for everything. Gotta stop that. You deserve love especially from yourself.
- Be Patient with Yourself – Rome was not built in a day. Deconstructing self-doubt and re-establishing a healthy dialogue with yourself won’t be either. You would never reprimand a baby for peeing on herself, yet you belittle yourself for trying. No, No, No!
- Cut Off Negativity – Stop it in its tracks. FIRST begin with your own negative talk and behaviors. When you start showing yourself unconditional love, it will be hard to accept disrespect from others. When you find yourself repeating the negative things others have said to you, stop! That is your trauma speaking.
- Prioritize Yourself – Give yourself 21 days to totally focus on you and your wants. Be selfish with your time, your energy, and your thoughts. If it doesn’t benefit in your journey towards self-trust, don’t do it. It’s only TWENTY-ONE days. I promise they will be okay.
I can’t wait to hear all about your journey to self-trust! Join us on one of our platforms: Facebook or Mighty Networks. I look forward to connecting with you.
Until then,
