December is one of my favorite months of the year! Maybe because it’s the month we celebrate Christmas (my favorite holiday). Maybe it’s because of all the lights and sparkles. Maybe it’s because people tend to be nicer this time of year (hoping St. Nick would drop off something nice) Maybe it’s because I get to spend a little more money without feeling guilty. Maybe it’s because I get a chance to sip on my favorite cappuccino while listening to Christmas songs. I’m not sure what it is but I love December!
Well this year, I’m excited and a little scared because December will forever mark an even bigger significance in my life. It’s the beginning of a new beginning. It’s the start of a new chapter. It’s an opportunity for me to do something I’ve never done before. It’s a chance for me to explore an area of life I’ve never explored. It’s a chance for me to redefine ME!
After 30 years of marriage, a lot of ups and downs, a lot of smiles and tears, I am a single woman (it feels funny typing that)! I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. It’s still fairly new (it’s only been 14 days since I signed the paperwork). I’m sure there will be blogs were I’m excited, happy, pissed off, and downright angry and I intend to embrace each of those feelings and grow from them.
I must admit at first, I was in shock! I couldn’t believe it actually happened. I mean I had been with the same man for over 30 years and in a matter of 6 minutes (yes 6 minutes) it was over. The day of the hearing I was devastated! I left the courthouse and couldn’t remember where I parked my car. Imagine me walking around downtown looking for my car!! For the first time since the separation I felt tears roll down my face (I want to think it was because I couldn’t find my car). I couldn’t understand why I was crying now. Shouldn’t I be happy? Shouldn’t I be celebrating?
Well it wasn’t a time of celebration for me. I went through all the emotions: guilt, fear, anger, pity. Then I was in disbelief and shock. This had to be a bad dream and we were going to wake up, my kids would be young again, my marriage would be full of love and sparkle and everyone would be in their proper place. Well I woke up and everyone was in their proper place!!
I took a deep breath and released all the self-doubt, all the mental anguish, all the hurt and pain. I released all the anger that I felt over the infidelity and abuse. I released the desire of trying to change someone into what I wanted them to be instead of allowing them to be who they wanted to be. I released my hope of making it right. I released my desire to hide the inevitable. Basically, I released.
So, help me say goodbye to November and welcome in December with all its thrills and excitement. Let it bring happiness and freshness. Laughter and joy. Hope and tranquility. Peace and a whole lot of love.
Until Next Time,