(This post can be a trigger for those battling abuse- know you are not alone)
I thought if I loved harder, if I gave more, if I was quiet then maybe just maybe the pain of betrayal would subside and I would be loved by the one person I wanted love from the most.
Well, the pain did not subside. In fact, it grew. Before I knew it, it had become something I could no longer contain or control. It began to leak outside of me. It began to spill on every aspect of my life. It became the catalyst for everything I did or didn’t do. It became the curriculum of how I interacted with others. I began to teach people that I didn’t matter, that my feelings didn’t matter, that my existence didn’t matter. The pain became a part of my identity. I felt like a piece of property. I had become something to do. I had become a part of an image. I had become something easily discarded once something better came along. Sadly, I began to view myself as “just something”.
Something that was lost….
I had lost my self-respect. How can you respect yourself when no one else does?
I had lost my pride. My existence was in making others proud and that wasn’t happening.
I had lost my desire for better. The pain had become embedded in me and was all I could feel.
I had lost my scruples. What once seemed right was turning wrong and what seemed wrong was made to feel right.
But then it happened. The lights began to blink. The page turned. I could hear the sounds of reality. I could feel the sting of the pain. I could breathe the stench of anger. Wait! I wasn’t breathing, in fact, there were hands wrapped around my throat and someone was yelling in my face. The blinking lights was me going in and out of consciousness. The pages turning was my inner self realizing this could be the end. The sounds of reality was my kids yelling – asking if I was okay. It was their screams that snapped me into reality. I knew I had to do something, if not for me for them.
Yet I remained a piece of property for many years after that; feeling I couldn’t do better. Feeling I didn’t deserve any better. Feeling this was the life I was destined to live.
Maybe I’ll just love harder. I’ll just give more. I’ll just sit quiet. I’ll overlook the affairs. It has to get better. It will get better. I heard the preacher say “speak things into existence”. I will speak harmony and peace into my home. I will speak love into my relationship. I will give respect and soon it will be offered to me. I will speak it – God will hear it and make it right.
Why is this taking so long? I know our time schedule is different than God’s but surely He sees how desperate I am. Surely, He sees that I’m hurting. I’ve heard all my life that “He cares about the least of them” surely, I must at least be a part of that group. Then why hasn’t he answered my prayers. Why hasn’t he come to see about me? Why hasn’t He made this pain stop? Maybe I don’t matter to Him. Maybe He don’t care about me….
But you see God did care about me. He was constantly giving me a way out of the situation, I decided to stay. Every prayer I prayed – He answered with a blessing on top of what I asked for. Yet I was so consumed with the needs of others, that I took the answered prayers as a way God wanted me to help them. I didn’t see that it was God giving an opportunity for harmony and peace into my home, in my own mind. I couldn’t see it was God allowing me to feel loved by Him and ultimately learn to love myself. I couldn’t see God was giving me the tools I needed to learn to respect myself and be a better version of myself. I couldn’t see because I was expecting it to look different. I was lost in my own expectations instead of the expectations of God and His desire for me as His daughter.
Don’t allow the pain to become louder than God’s voice. Cry out to Him. Ask Him for help. He will send it I promise. I cares more about you than you could even imagine. You are the apple of His eye. You are a beat in His heartbeat. Your concerns are major to Him. You see just like God heard my cry – He will hear yours and deliver you from it – if you allow Him to do so.
Intimate Partner Abuse (domestic violence) is real. There are women battling this war every day. Holding on to scraps in hope to one day be able to make a meal. Ladies, if you are in an abusive relationship. You don’t deserve to be mistreated. That is NOT love! Love does not hurt. Love does not hit. Love does not belittle. Love does not shame. Love does not control. You can take your life back. I know it seems hard, it was hard for me too. But I promise you it will be worth it. If you have a friend that is in an abusive relationship, be patient with them and be strong for them. You cannot force them to do anything they don’t want to do but you can show them how much you love them by being there when they ask for help.
Until Next Time,
