Q: Why do women tina talkstay in abusive relationships? If it’s so bad why don’t they just leave?

A: This question was personal to me. Because not only have I asked someone this question but I’ve been asked this question. It gets to the point that you don’t tell anyone what’s going on because you know they will never understand. I used to say I was staying because of the kids. I would say it was because of finances. I would even say because God didn’t tell me to leave yet. And although those reasons were true, they weren’t enough to stay if I really wanted to go.  I had to come clean and be honest with myself. I stayed because I didn’t think I deserved any better. I stayed because it had become the norm. I stayed because although it hurt I knew what to expect (it was comfortable).

Now having said all of that let me make something clear….Please don’t throw in the face of a person that is in the midst of an abusive situation all the reasons she need to leave.  She really don’t need to hear that and she needs to make up her mind as to what is best for her and come to grips with what is keeping her in the situation. You may have your own thoughts as to what’s best and you may even be trying to keep her safe. But telling her what to do is the worst thing you can do.  Because now you are taking away her ability to choose what she “wants” to do. Basically you are no better than the person abusing her.

You see things can be extremely bad. There can be all the signs of abuse. There can be physical evidence:  bruises, broken bones, swollen eyes, etc.  But until she has made up in her mind that she is ready to leave she will keep going back and you reminding her of how bad of a choice it is, will only push her into his arms faster. Just be patient with her. Just love on her. Just remind her that you are there for her. Let her know that you care about her and that you know she is able to make the best decision for herself (even if she don’t believe it).

To the woman in an abusive relationship: I know you think you don’t have a choice. But you do. I know you think no one cares about you (he’s told you that a million times). But I care. I know you don’t see how you are going to make it. You really don’t need to. What you need to know is the longer you stay in the situation, the worse it’s going to get.  Today it may be yelling, tomorrow it could be hitting by the next day you may not be alive to tell what happened. In no way am I telling you what to do because I really do believe you are able to decide what is best for you. You may not know how you will do it and that’s okay. There are people available to help you with that. All you need to do is make a decision that you are ready for the abuse to stop.  I am praying for you. I am praying that you will see how special you are and that you will come to understand that love does not hurt. I pray that you will realize you are unable to change anyone and you cannot make someone love you.  You can always reach out to me at info@tinabaileyonline.com or send me a private message on Facebook at Tina Bailey Online.hotline numbers